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15 | 9 | 0.78 | 15 | last night some friends and i got absolutely wasted. i woke up this morning to find that i missed my first class and had a test in an hour, i got up and instantly sat back down on my bed from getting so dizzy. i remembered that i had 2 36mg concerta that i was saving. thinking that it would help my hangover and help my... | took 72mg of concerta (ritalin) with a terrible hangover and fucked my entire day up. | taking 72mg of concerta after a night of heavy drinking. |
11 | 2 | 0.78 | 11 | reading the other guy's crazy story about fucking the fat girl while on mdma made me think back to the greatest fuck-up of my earlier years. this story's become part of my group's lore; gets brought up way oftener than i prefer. thought the tifu community might appreciate it. so, here goes... (massive wall of text ale... | asked out girl, she said yes, then no; went on a "date" anyway. she got wet.** | (well, a few years ago) and went on a date when i shouldn't have |
6 | 5 | 0.69 | 6 | my best friend is home for the first time in four months (she lives two hours away) so we decided to get super high. i get the sensation that i have to pee. i ignore it both because i am ridiculously high and my friend is telling a story....finally i get up to go to the bathroom, walk up the stairs and it happens....th... | got high and ignored the fact had to pee and pissed myself; tried to cover it up but they figured it out. | getting to high and ignoring the face that i had to pee. |
611 | 132 | 0.9 | 611 | this happened a few years ago, but it's probably my biggest tifu.
so i woke up one morning with an intense urge to vomit.
i start running towards the bathroom and make it four steps before i start projectile vomiting everywhere. i apparently also had diarrhea and the force of of me throwing up also caused me to shit... | had explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting and as i was running down the stairs i slipped in my vomit/shit and knocked myself out. didn't have to go to school. | woke up in a pile of my own vomit, feces, and blood. |
27 | 10 | 0.75 | 27 | this happened several months ago, but i just decided to post it here.
so a few months ago someone at my school committed suicide, the 2nd one in less than a month, obviously it was a very tough time for everyone. at his funeral, 2 kids were joking around (this may sound inappropriate, but it was appropriate, you'd hav... | made a suicide joke at the funeral for a kid who committed suicide, made everyone hate me. | making a suicide joke at a kid who committed suicide's funeral... |
50 | 19 | 0.83 | 50 | yes, it’s a poop story.
my girlfriend’s mom has been visiting for the past week and the three of us (me, girlfriend, and mom) have been doing fun, touristy day activities. yesterday my stomach was grumbly after a spicy meal. normal, though, right? i had a nasty shit in a public restroom at some touristy site and thoug... | went on a hike in the desert while having diarrhea and wiped with my hand. | wiping diarrhea off my hand during a hike with my girlfriend and her mom |
16 | 7 | 0.76 | 16 | so, i am at work when my bladder sends that little message to my brain to indicate its ready to be emptied. to the head (wc/bathroom) i go. in the head are two urinals with a privacy divider in between. a gentleman is all ready using one, so i pull up in front to the other and start my business. certain sounds are ... | went to the head, dude next to me excessively shook his snake and slung his urine onto my hand. | using the urinal |
39 | 14 | 0.76 | 39 | i woke up this morning next to my boyfriend having slept over at my house. woke up with morning wetness and by defult not given much thought of it since it's a normal thing to me. we had breakfast with my sister and had a very amusing conversation resulting in plenty of laughter. the sweater i wore made me sweat bullet... | vag stamp on cushion | leaving a "wing-mark" of my morning wetness on my parent's kitchen chair cushion |
49 | 11 | 0.85 | 49 | i look after people's houses while they are away sometimes. this one time i was at this particular house downtown chicago (river north) i had to drop one badly. every house i go to is usually on the market and usually as empty as it gets so using their master bathroom was as easy as checking to make sure they had adequ... | real estate agent caught me using the bathroom in a client's house, in my haste to get out and cover my tracks i didn't zip and the entire north side of chicago saw my dong before i noticed. i realize i should wear boxers now. | dropping a deuce in one of the houses i manage |
35 | 13 | 0.85 | 35 | tifu by not drinking enough water (for several days in a row, actually). i'm on new medications that each severely dehydrate me, and during the summer i had no problem downing a bottle of water and peeing every hour or so, but now that school is back in session i'm not able to do that anymore.
didn't really take note... | today i fucked up and had to shovel shit of out my own anus.** | not drinking enough water |
13 | 6 | 0.89 | 13 | if you're anything like me when it comes to brushing your teeth, you may find the task boring. i attempt to multitask while brushing, which usually extends the action. tonight's multitasking consisted of brushing, watching the daily show and redditing with my laptop. i was about 10 minutes into the brushing when the... | ** - holding in sneezes blows | caused nasal trauma |
23 | 9 | 0.91 | 23 | well, it was yesterday, but fuck it.
i have an ex girlfriend that lives about an hour from my place of residence (can't really call my frat house "home"). we've always been pretty cordial, and because there's never really been a fair shot for us to have a healthy, legitimate relationship, there's some feelings that h... | my dick wanted some, then got stage fright, which may have fucked up a friendship. | thinking with my dick. |
33 | 4 | 0.85 | 33 | i'm on the swim team. i'm not one of the good swimmers, but i still go because it's a good way to exercise.
so here i am at the end of practice. we're practicing our dives and such. my first two dives go well, just a slight belly flop. however, on my last dive, i didn't tuck my chin down and went face first.
at first... | i'm on the road to the olympics. | going swimming. |
78 | 26 | 0.93 | 78 | little bit of back story:
girl and i have been friends for going on 4 years now. we've really dragged each other through some shit over that time, failed relationships, a mutual friend's divorce, problems with school and work and life, etc. she's always been there for me when i needed someone to listen, and i've alway... | : i told my friend of the last 4 years i loved her. now she's in shock and i feel like an asshat. | telling my friend i love her |
1,337 | 330 | 0.91 | 1,337 | **context:** happened last week. i teach english abroad and this had been a topic of conversation in a hostel dorm room for several people.
i checked into a hostel, got up to my dorm, and quickly introduced to myself to the other 2 people in the room, lets call them mary and sue. mary was a nice girl from germany who ... | asked a girl if she was okay and got called a child rapist. | asking a girl, "are you okay?" |
4 | 4 | 0.57 | 4 | im currently a third year in college and the last time i wrote an essay since my first year. i've always been pretty terrible at writing and reading in general which is why i am a science major (to this day i question how i was admitted into any school). the reason i suck at writing analytical essays is because i can... | : told my ta i was illiterate instead of literal and she didn't correct me. | told my literature ta that i was illiterate |
60 | 22 | 0.9 | 60 | i was gutting my bathroom. just some remodeling. i tore the drywall out and got to the old insulation. i've never had a problem with insulation itching so i went at it bare handed.
gutting took no time at all. so i go to start putting new insulation in. after hours of the remolding i decided to take a shower.
now swa... | got insulation in my asscrack and hole. always wear gloves. | big time |
4 | 9 | 0.7 | 4 | i was babysitting and i had to use the bathroom, so i go in there and i remember noticing that the toilet bowl was a little more full than it probably should've been. but i went ahead anyway and when i flushed the toilet it started filling with water but not draining. i kinda just stood there while the water reached th... | the house i'm babysitting at now has a gross, flooded bathroom and a full toilet and sink. | while babysitting |
34 | 16 | 0.85 | 34 | it's nearly midnight, i have literally just got back from a&e, and truth be told im pretty tired, so please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes :)
so tonight, i got home from work, decided to catch up on my youtube subs (as i do every evening :p). so i was looking around for my headphones, after about 10 minutes of ... | decided to listen to some music, ear bud got stuck in my ear, had to spend the night at a&e waiting to get it removed, and i'll likely get an ear infection.** | listening to music. |
1,332 | 105 | 0.92 | 1,332 | i'm a bit of a slob. i leave my clothes lying around, i'll often leave soda cans and beer bottles at my desk for days before i expend the energy to toss them in the recycling, and generally the only time i make my bed is when i first put on a fresh set of sheets. so tonight i laid down in my unmade bed, same as any ... | fucked vomit | masturbating in an unmade bed |
79 | 10 | 0.92 | 79 | i [21m] work at a media corporation, and i was working on a high school sports story about a notable team of cross country girls. sorry to be vague, but i’m trying to leave out identifying details.
anyway, i was talking to the coach, and he was speaking about one of the girls in particular who is a star athlete, the s... | – tifu by misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed.** | misspeaking and suggesting a high school girl was well-endowed |
616 | 52 | 0.94 | 616 | well as the title suggests, we were on a road trip.
we had stopped at a petrol station about 10 kms back, but i chose not to go because of the appalling state of all of the rest rooms. what i had done at this particular stop was buy a whole bunch of snacks for the road, and subsequently eaten them all. so at this point... | shaken, not stirred. | holding it in on a road trip. |
15 | 5 | 0.75 | 15 | so this happened saturday night, but close enough. i was visiting a girl at her university. i found this girl extremely attractive and really wanted to make a good impression on her since this was one of the first times i had spent extended time with her. well we all started drinking saturday night and i had a bit too ... | i drank too much, puked in front of a romantic interest, now we are no longer speaking. | i got shitfaced in front of a romantic interest and basically ruined my chance |
0 | 0 | 0.38 | 0 | a long while ago in the middle of the night i needed to go to the bathroom so i got up and started heading to the potty(or thats what i called it at the time) and there was a laundry basket just sitting there.
so i tripped over it and hit my head on the side of the door frame. i dont remember much, but i remember seei... | i fell and hit my head on a door frame. stitches commenced | going to the potty |
898 | 78 | 0.91 | 898 | yesterday (wasn't today but close enough), i was sitting in my dorm room just doing some homework. out of the corner of me i see a fucking mosquito that has probably been the one pissing me off at night so i had a rush of adrenaline.
after a few attempts to clap it between my hands with little success, i wait for it ... | killed a mosquito and sounded like an asshole. | killing a mosquito |
6 | 5 | 0.6 | 6 | well, it didn't happen today, but you understand.
during the summer, my mom wanted me to get out of the house more, since we had just moved in town. so, i decide to start going to my local gaming store to play some magic: the gathering (a card game, for those who don't know). one day, i decided to stop at the nearby... | i left my brain at home, and sprained my wrist because i like to play card games. | being my nerdy self. |
1,144 | 152 | 0.94 | 1,144 | so my newlywed sister and husband are staying at our parents' house for the week. they just got here a day ago and since her and my brother moved out, my room is the only one that isn't used for storage. so they take my room (which is actually my brothers but i stole it when he left) and i took the basement. i like the... | i woke my whole house up to incredibly loud porn at 1 in the morning which i couldn't stop for a solid 120 seconds. i'll never know any longer time than those 120 seconds. | looking at porn with my tablet |
0 | 1 | 0.13 | 0 | so i'm on my school's cross country team, nothing big really a lot of conditioning and hard work, and this is my first year doing cross and i was advised by one of the other runners to never drink milk the day of a meet. well i really didn't believe him and today comes around now me wanting to test it out decided to dr... | read the damn post, it's not that long. | drinking at least half a gallon of milk before a meet (maybe nsfw) |
9 | 19 | 0.79 | 9 | first time telling a story here, so i apologize for any errors.
for the past 2 hours, i've been home alone. no one is in the house except for me. at around 6 pm, i start to feel hungry and because i can't cook food for sh**, i do the next best thing... order pizza. after literally 45 minutes of deciding, i order a pap... | i order pizza and use the restroom. delivery man comes 20-30 minutes earlier than expected and i drop a vase. he might have taken an extra $5 but in the heat of the moment, i couldn't remember how much i gave him. stuck with cleaning up a vase and the thought that i may have been cheated.** | thinking i'd have enough time to use the restroom before a pizza is delivered to my house |
17 | 18 | 0.77 | 17 | so recently i was browsing reddit and saw someone post how one way to get rid of skin tags is to tie dental floss around them. it cuts off oxygen until it dies basically and falls off.
about a month or 2 ago, i got what i thought was an ingrown hair right on my gooch. i picked at it and it eventually turned into a tin... | tied a piece of floss to my skin tag on my gooch, didn't realize it was still there when boyfriend went down on me and saw it. | skin tags on gooch + dental floss |
17 | 7 | 0.74 | 17 | background: 1 stick of butter = 1/2 cup. chocolate chip cookies require 1 cup of butter. rice krispy treats require 1/4 cup of butter.
i was craving a nice snack, so i decided to make chocolate chip cookies. the dough was coming out a little funny but i couldn't think why. it wasn't until i was about to bake them that... | fuck butter, fuck fractions, and fuck fractions of butter. | two desserts. |
162 | 32 | 0.9 | 162 | i just moved last week and today i noticed my furnace pilot light had gone out. after trying to light the pilot per the instructions on the unit with no luck, i decided that it might be dust causing low gas flow. this was a common problem with my old gas stove. so i took out a can of compressed air used for cleaning el... | cleaned furnace with compressed air and tried to light it. fireball ensued. | almost blowing myself up using compressed air before lighting a pilot light. |
249 | 36 | 0.92 | 249 | i'm at a weird stage in my life. i'm 28 and i just moved back to my hometown after quitting my job and moving to a bigger city months ago. long setup short, i figured out that i was leaving fixable problems and i'm kind of a dumbass. i think they call this the quarter-life crisis thingie now? oh, well. i wanted to come... | 28-year old staying with mom for the night had a wet dream, most epic amount of cum ever. had to sleep in naked shame without access to clean clothes or shower. like, so much sperm for real. like...i couldn't even pee this much cum if pee were cum. | trying to nofap |
0 | 2 | 0.33 | 0 | **background info:** in religion studies (a compulsory subject at my school) some idiot was supposedly having a spasm and said he was having an orgasm, not knowing the difference.
so i was on my commute home from school talking to my girlfriend about how school was (we're in different grades) and i started telling her... | told girlfriend someone said orgasm in my religion class on the bus, everybody stared at me | saying orgasm on the bus |
69 | 16 | 0.91 | 69 | so i am making the road trip back home after my second semester. i hadn't eaten since around 9 am central time, it was now 6 pm mountain time. i enter the convenience store, here begins our story down to fuckupville.
i walk over to the counter and place the items i have decided to purchase, fuck up number one, conveni... | don't fucking eat convenience store cantaloupe, ever** | trying to make healthy eating choices |
8 | 3 | 0.72 | 8 | so i get into the shower like on every normal morning, usually spend five minutes. however, today the soap/shampoo i usually use isn't there. aside from that, we have face scrub and this bottle of irish spring.
now, being me, not only am i tired as balls, but i also do not turn on the light. i cannot see what this soa... | my entire crotch is shocked by soap. | using irish spring "electrify" |
12 | 2 | 0.75 | 12 | so, basically i'm a little boy trapped in the body of a hairy mountain of a man. what is a popular thing for little boys to do? well, build potato cannons, obviously. but since i have a job, i can afford to make my cannon a bit more... *industrial.* this includes a [push-button barbecue igniter](http://www.spudfiles.co... | * turned myself into a human jumper cable because i'm too tired to make the connection that - button press = zap. | shocking the shit out of my hand until it was numb. |
0 | 3 | 0.43 | 0 | tifu, i bought my first bottle of wine since i'm celebrating finishing college and wanted to upgrade from my usual boxed variety or beer. unfortunately, i have never used a corkscrew and only managed to remove the cork half-way. instead of re-trying the corkscrew, i decided to try to pry out the cork using a knitting-n... | i can't use a corkscrew, ended up pushing the cork into the bottle of wine, and then couldn't drink it because of the bits of cork floating about. | i learned that i have absolutely no idea how to open a bottle of wine. |
0 | 0 | 0.36 | 0 | backstory: i'm working at a summer camp with very few employees (about 20). my roommate is a super nice guy whom i didn't know until this summer. i was gardening with a good friend of mine, and we started talking.
my friend commented that no other two workers at the camp would have been as productive as us. we were wo... | my roommate overheard me talking about how i don't think he's a great worker. | talking bad about a friend. |
6 | 9 | 0.6 | 6 | i'll apologize in advance for lack of formatting and whatnot, as i'm typing this on my phone.
i bought a sony vaio e series back in march that was suppose to come with sony imagination studio programs. i came to find that it in fact does not have these programs. went to the store and they said to call sony.
i googl... | hindu guy lied about being sony tech support then put viruses on my pc. called the real sony and hopefully my computer completes the restore process. | calling the wrong number for sony customer service. |
0 | 3 | 0.18 | 0 | let me start by establishing, i'm not a smart person.
after a great day at the mall with my sister, we decided to end our trip with some 25 cent candy. my sister immediately went for a handful of m&m's, while i took more time deciding on my treat. gumball? no, skittles? maybe, jaw breakers? nah. then i saw them. ... | never, ever, put a pile of sour crybabies in your mouth at the same time. just don't do it man. | stuffing my face full of sour candy |
14 | 15 | 0.64 | 14 | throwaway~
my roommate was out doing stuff with their family and i was washing my laundry with nothing clean to wear, and having just got out of the shower and dried myself i wanted to play some video games. i fired up the tv and started playing a game thinking that my roommate would be gone all day and wouldn't have ... | germophone roommate was away, sat on the couch naked after shower and they walked in on me. total and horrible awkwardness ensued. | sitting naked on the couch |
2,218 | 319 | 0.95 | 2,218 | i have a summer job working with insects in a lab. i do a lot of repetitive lab technician type work that includes changing the foliage (i.e. bug food) we have in a bunch of these modified plastic slushie cups that we've turned into cages, each with a pair of insects in them that we're mating.
before we can actually ... | accidentally pull two mating insects apart, the male's penis gets ripped off in the process and is left hanging out of the female. i feel pretty bad about the whole thing. | accidentally ripping the dick off an insect |
11 | 7 | 0.71 | 11 | i went to 7elven to get smokes and an ice coffee, no big deal. except i was kinda high which made me paranoid and kinda clumsy.
so i'm standing at the ice coffee machine beside a guy and his maybe 12 year old son while they get big gulps. me being the stoned idiot i am, i start the flow of deliciousness into my plast... | i spilled ice coffee all over a little boy and his father shamed me with just a look. | getting ice coffee. |
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 | today started out like any other day. i woke up, made myself bacon and eggs on a bagel, and called up a buddy to chill. we decided we wanted to go rock climbing, so i grabbed my gear and made my way to pick him up.
forces of the universe were clearly against us going climbing together. pulled over for speeding, turns ... | woke up, a bird kamikaze'd, i went climbing, then got threatened by a midget.** | going rock climbing. |
0 | 1 | 0.46 | 0 | well not today, but more like a year ago.... hell you don't care.
so i used to have a huge fear of the dark when i was 14. no biggy right? wrong!
i have a decent group of friends that skate like me and one of them asked me over to hang out. ended up staying over but didn't bring anything to sleep in so i asked him f... | was to pussy to go upstairs to my friends bathroom so instead pissed on the shorts he gave me but did clean i up. | pissing on my friends shorts. |
0 | 0 | 0.5 | 0 | i go on walks, long walks. during these walks i always bring a water bottle, or two, and drink constantly. now usually this isn't a problem, but today i felt adventurous and decided to walk all way to the other side of my neighborhood. no problem, i've done it thousands of times. just not with a full bladder.
now i s... | trust your bladder. seriously. | horribly underestimating how bad i had to pee |
15 | 4 | 0.77 | 15 | a little backstory - my grandfather passed away a year ago, leaving a car behind. the deal was then that provided i would drive my little sister to and from school every day, i could use the car untill i moved out of the house. i was 18 at the time and had just gotten my driver licence, so this was a sweet deal.
fast ... | : scourer+car=unhappy perents | washing parents car |
53 | 10 | 0.79 | 53 | so, i'm going to preface this story by explaining to you some things about my room. the latch to my door from the main hallway is very tricky. you have to push that nob in the center at just the right angle while the door is being pushed shut to squeeze the door in close to align the latching mechanism. my and my dad r... | today i fucked up by not making sure my door was latched while taking a naked bong rip, and being unfortunately revealed by the laws of physics | not making sure my door was closed |
5 | 5 | 0.6 | 5 | so, here's the deal.
i'll make this as short as possible. i don't want to talk about it.
i'm good friends with my ex's brother.
we hang out a lot and play guitar. he's a cool guy.
now, his friend tried to kill herself yesterday.
i give this whole speech about how she's gonna make it and everything.
he cheers up.
... | my friend's buddy tried to kill herself. she made it, i bragged about how i knew she would, then she died. | bragging about how "i knew it". |
32 | 12 | 0.81 | 32 | so tifu, well technically yesterday. so i am a male, as the username implies. however due to poor planning i ended up in a history class that focuses on women. as you would expect the teacher is a hard core feminist, and i am one of like three guys in the entire class. the teacher let’s call her ms. s is always complai... | spilled condoms on my teachers carpet makes me take a final in her class. | spilling condoms during office hours. |
745 | 150 | 0.89 | 745 | so i'm visiting my grandparents and uncle today for a sort of nice family get-together. they live downtown in a fairly small appartment; about 3 rooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom.
the problem is, i had eaten two entire buckets of extremely spicey buffalo wild wings, and had to drop a massive care package about an hour ... | my grandparents had to listen to me shit a mountain after eating buffalo wild wings the day before. | making my extended family listen to me rip ass. [probably nsfw] |
16 | 4 | 0.88 | 16 | so, this actually happened a few years ago, but i was reminded of it by reading another tifu post and thought is was worthy of this sub...
i was a college freshman at the time, and was leaving a marching band rehearsal when my car broke down. i managed to limp it to a gas station where i used a payphone to call for a r... | i chose boobs over brains and used my leg for an ashtray. | using my leg as an ashtray... |
20 | 5 | 0.86 | 20 | so there i am, looking to impress the little four year old i'm babysitting. i get up to the diving board, and i plan on doing a front flip like i have performed a million times. but alas, today is no normal day my friends, for fate had another idea in mind. i load up, and take a mighty leap into the water. and just ... | my fat ass decided to do a flip, flipped the diving board itself. | babysitting. |
25 | 3 | 0.88 | 25 | me narrating this post for those with reading difficulties - sorry that it's rushed, but any longer and it wouldn't let me upload: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0tsu21lrg8o
first off: this didn't happen today, it happened last friday, and it wasn't me, it was a co-worker; i thought it'd be ok to post though as i doubt he's a ... | co-worker wanted to leave with a bang - that he did, that he certainly did. | making the pizza oven at work explode |
7 | 5 | 0.7 | 7 | so after a very long period of planning today is the day i was going to plan a flight to amsterdam for my friends an i.
we all planned on sorting the flights and passport details at around 8. there's 6 of us and only 2 actually answered the phone. i finally get around to do the last 2 and they both have double barrel ... | have to pay an extra £140 on top of a £50 flight because im an idiot. | not knowing my friends names |
1,646 | 130 | 0.95 | 1,646 | [original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sjpsn/tifu_by_using_my_personal_skype_account_for_a/)
first off, i want to thank all of you who gave me a couple of good laughs last night and for the great support.
today, after my break i talked with hr, which is actually pretty much just one guy. he was really... | titler won the war. | update: titlers kampf mit hr |
14 | 4 | 0.79 | 14 | in one of my classes, (community college) we had a take home exam, and i swear that in the email that had the questions and in class my professor said it was due at 2:30 (or anytime from 2:30 to 3:45) on tuesday. i get to class at 3, after doing some double checking of my answers, only to find that my professor's door ... | i am illiterate | being late for an exam |
24 | 17 | 0.73 | 24 | this was last night, but i went ahead and posted it anyways.
so it was valentines day. my friend invited me over for valentines dinner, because she and i both have long distance relationships. let me just note here, that her parents don't know that she's having anybody over while they're out of town, and the same goes... | i went to my friend's house for dinner, her brother threw a wicked party while her parents weren't home, house got trashed, and i was involved because we didn't leave early enough. | staying at my friend's house for too long while her parents were away. |
30 | 16 | 0.82 | 30 | i recently moved away from this town i had lived in for a few years, and before i moved i decided i wanted to spend one final movie night with this girl who i had a major crush on.
so she comes over to my house and we are having a great time (at least i thought so) and i try to kiss her. she freaks out, jumps up, gra... | tried to kiss a girl before i moved away, and she ran out on me. | trying to kiss a girl |
0 | 5 | 0.44 | 0 | ok so it was tuesday but that doesn't matter, there was a soccer tornament on monday and everyone was tired so i offered to hook up my laptop. it just so happened that the only movie i had was starship troopers, so it came to the communal shower scene and the vice principal walked in he jumped the immediate conclusion ... | we watched starship troppers, the vp thought it was a porno and nearly fired the teacher and suspended me. | watching "starship troopers" in music class. |
24 | 12 | 0.88 | 24 | to start off - i hate my job and find this hilarious. i've told my dad and best friend so far and they both think this is a joke and are telling me to quit since i don't like working there anyway.
ok - so i work for a decent sized building, and i have a friend (let's call her amy) in the groundskeepers office that has... | if i get fired for saran wrapping my co-workers chair. i am putting that shit in bold on my resume'. | ceran wrapping my co-workers chair. |
10 | 11 | 0.69 | 10 | so me and my ex (we will call her laura) broke up almost a year ago after being together for 6 months. the break up was pretty smooth and consequently we have remained friends since.
well today i was on my way to the bus station after i finished college to start my hour long journey home. i am almost there when i get... | got a lift home with my ex after she had hardcore fucked a man ending with him filling her up with his man protein to only have her kiss me on the face only half an hour after her sexual encounter... | getting a lift home with my ex... |
15 | 6 | 0.87 | 15 | i had a nice seafood dinner this evening consisting of crab, scallops, and shrimp. everything seemed fine when i finished eating (my stomach grumbled a bit, but it's to be expected since i don't eat seafood very often).
a few hours go by and i'm sitting at my computer watching some netflix and enjoying a snack when i ... | never trust a fart after a seafood dinner.** | eating a seafood dinner |
8 | 3 | 0.81 | 8 | colossal fuckup today. i am in charge of waste management in the supermarket i work at, so part of that job is emptying the bins. i threw a bag into the dumpster today and it got caught on the edge so it was half in and half out at the end of the bin.
rather than taking the extra steps to climb down the dock ladder an... | took a 5 second shortcut, fell into a dumpster, went home with huge injury to pride and tiny injury to body. | taking a shortcut at work |
18 | 3 | 0.89 | 18 | i was told to wash a rug today that had a rubber backing on it and was extremely gross. i asked if it needed to be washed with the hose outside but was instead told that it could be thrown directly in the washing machine. i figured that if it could be put in the washing machine i could wash it on sanitize and it would ... | don't put rugs with rubber in washing machines, you will spend more time fixing your mistake then you would by washing it by hand. | washing a rug in the front load washing machine |
206 | 49 | 0.94 | 206 | backstory: i'm very heavily into computers. it's been my life since i was a kid. and due to brain tumor in my sr year of high school, which caused me to drop out, i never really got into the work force. i've had small side-jobs and cash jobs. but nothing i would call a "job"... but i've since fixed my life, got my ged,... | unemployed, desperate for job, accidentally delete my first call-back voice mail out of over-excitement. | deleting the voice mail from a future employer |
20 | 13 | 0.76 | 20 | i posted this in a very dead thread a while back. it took me a fuckin' ages to write, so i'm posting it here too. so it actually happened two years ago. but it was a pretty big fuckup.
it all happened in 2011. i was just learning to ride a skateboard, so my buddy and i took his $500 longboard and my $13 warehouse (new... | broke arm skateboarding, broke arm 3 months later by punching someone. arm was bent, needed surgery. wet the bed, had ultrasound. got internal bling. the toast was terrible.** | punching someone |
13 | 8 | 0.76 | 13 | i laugh now about it. i was making dinner tonight when my eye itched. like any normal human i rubbed it with the back of my hand. the problem: my hands were full. in the one was uneatable vegetable matter, in my dominate hand were some green onions. i somehow managed to rub my eye not only with the back of my hand, but... | i wiped my eye with an onion. | rubbing my eye |
12 | 6 | 0.69 | 12 | actually this was from last year but i have a lot of fuck ups from my freshmen year of college. who doesn't?
so it was my first quarter in college and i had an exam in my business law class which was at 8 am (i had no choice in taking the class). i decided to stay up late to study for it the night before. usually st... | i drank coffee before bed, pissed the bed and overslept, then didn't have time to clean up before i went to class.** | trying to stay up late and study. |
0 | 12 | 0.43 | 0 | so, it wasn't a today actually, more like a few days before last week, that i was having a conversation with my friends as usual. now, in my school, we go outside to eat lunch, so we're in the neighborhood walking down the street as i already stated, and we were walking down past a deli that nearly everyone buys at (an... | version: shouted fuck the police in front of my spanish teacher. | shouting profanity near a popular deli |
34 | 40 | 0.82 | 34 | this happened about 4-5 hours ago. so here it is, several days after valentines day and i'm walking on my college campus with my girlfriend to go pick up a package her mom had sent her containing lots of valentines day candy and such.
well we pick up the package and walk about 20 feet when out of nowhere a tall skinny... | kid tries to rob me, i choke him, he punches me, whoops he's mentally ill, cops come and tell me i might be arrested for a felony in the near future; all legal advice welcome** | using my mma skills on a mentally ill person (long) |
15 | 2 | 0.75 | 15 | this is a little story about the second time that i ever sharted. this happened a couple months ago, but i haven't told anyone because talking about sharts will probably not get me a girlfriend.
so, there i am in indianapolis for the big 10 football championship. i'm originally from nebraska and my friend got offered ... | i sharted at the big 10 championship and had to eat my way out of my underwear. | trusting a fart. |
15 | 3 | 0.82 | 15 | after a month of saving up to pay a super speeder ticket, i was finally out of debt (with *only* 6 points on my record... sigh) and had some money to spend. first thing that was on my list was an oil change and radiator hose fix for my 92 honda prelude.
so i arrive to the auto parts store and explain to the guy what ... | went to store for oil change and hose fix, forgot to properly lock down my hood, it peels off on the road. | forgetting to secure my car hood down |
14 | 6 | 0.86 | 14 | i've had a runny nose for the past 2 days. no problem. just use a whole bunch of tissues.
until tonight.
i really wanted some pops because i was hungry and nothing else caught my eye, so i ate a bowl of milk and the cereal.
i was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep when i shifted a bit. bad move. i start coughing (... | : don't drink milk when you have bad lungs, or you will end up like the dumbass i am. | gotta have my pops |
10 | 7 | 0.66 | 10 | first off, this happened over 10 years ago, back in elementary school, i have since learned my lesson and i feel horrible about my actions and wish that i could take it back. if i ever meet this girl again i will apologize profusely for the terrible way i bullied her.
back in third grade there was a girl, lets call h... | i bullied a girl who had plaque psoriasis so bad, that she started home-schooling. | bullying a girl with a chronic medical problem. |
783 | 89 | 0.89 | 783 | i am so sorry.
i am late 20’s, 5’7”, lean with muscles, getting nicely drunk at a house party that i don’t know the hosts, or their friends. but i was invited by a stranger at the first party i was at... i rolled in with no beers as i had no money but really, there’s almost always extra beers at the middle of the ev... | – i sprayed a quart of pee on all her clothes then disappeared | featuring beer, pretty girl, piss and cowardice |
42 | 3 | 0.89 | 42 | throwaway because i'm reasonably sure i got caught on camera.
so i have an athletic competition this weekend, so i'm trying to hydrate well this entire week. yesterday, i drank two gatorade bottles of water (64 ounces) in the last hour and a half of the workday. i had an event downtown, about a one-hour drive in traff... | somewhere, a guy just cleaned the floors at mcdonalds with my pee. | not using the bathroom. |
138 | 48 | 0.87 | 138 | so, i was sitting watching telly last night while tapping away on my laptop, working on an assignment. because it's the evening, and i'm an idiot, i was sipping on a hot chocolate because hey, it's cold. my cat is sat on the back of the sofa silently (unknown to me) watching the street outside, there are gasworks being... | spilt the worst liquid you can spill on a macbook, probably short circuited it, lost up to 5 years of stuff, and i can't get an appointment to have it looked at. | using a laptop as a laptop |
276 | 31 | 0.78 | 276 | my fuck up happened a couple hours ago. my great grandfather is 94, really ill and close to dying. i drove across the us to see him yesterday and all night, haven't slept since monday night. so i'm feeling pretty fucking tired.
i'm standing in the hall outside his room in front of the nurse's desk and i tell my wife "... | drove all day and night to see a dying grandparent. got to the hospital tired as shit and blurted out "i feel like death" in front of the nurses. | at the hospital |
30 | 13 | 0.66 | 30 | so i came home from school today and thought "i'm gonna be productive!" so i did some homework. this is were the fuck up starts.
so i was vacuuming everywhere! behind my desk, my bed and **on** the desk as i come by some old tissues i hid from when i had the "sniffles" and decided to vacuum that shit too (since my mom... | vacuumed up my "sniffle" tissues and vacuum combusts. | vacuuming |
16 | 7 | 0.63 | 16 | well it was lasyt night.
anywho, we weren at the bar and i go to the bathroom to pee after a few beers. the urinals were full so i go to a stall. i going pee and i see an empty glass on top of the toilet. so, for a reason unknown to myself i blast that fucker with beer colored piss and put it right back.
later on i... | woops | possibly making my friend drink nmy piss. |
10 | 2 | 0.81 | 10 | well technically it was saturday (or i suppose sunday if you're one of those assholes who says "anything after midnight is the next day", no fuck you its until i go to sleep asswipe"). so before we get into exactly what i did you're going to need some background information, because this isn't going to be some shitty t... | i'm pretty sure there won't be a second date. | vomiting in a lobby. |
21 | 19 | 0.74 | 21 | well, i have a new girlfriend. her name is caitlyn.
i live at home with my mom, grandma and great grandma (so much estrogen). anyway, my great grandma broke her femur a while back and can't walk. we don't leve her alone for extended periods of time.
start the story!
alright, so caitlyn and i grab some coffee after ... | gf meets great grandma. great grandma calls her another name. person with the same name texts me a r-rated message moment later. | letting my new gf meet my great grandma. (warning: long one) |
68 | 6 | 0.95 | 68 | this actually happened last night so i guess it's more like lnifu. anyway, i was watching tv, being generally lazy after putting the kids to bed and decided that during the next commercial break i'd go get my nightly snack. so the commercial comes on and i decide to try and pull a risky business slide across the kitc... | kitchen cabinet likes fiber brownies, fights me for it, i lose by ko. | trying to get a snack before the commercial break ended |
39 | 6 | 0.81 | 39 | as of recent i have been contenting myself towards the end of the day by (amongst other things) trawling through websites looking for a nice watch. when i find one, i often take picture of them with my phone and save them to compare them all at the end.
on this particular occasion, i had come across a multitude of ver... | i dickpic'd my own father. | asking my dad which watch he preferred |
21 | 5 | 0.76 | 21 | today i stopped at the local gas station to grab a cheap drink that came in a styrofoam cup. after i got home, i decided to make some supper and started cooking some ground beef on the stove. i soon needed something to put the grease in, so i grabbed a nearby empty sonic cup. i go about cleaning up and such and feel a ... | i drank grease instead of dr. pepper because i'm dumb. | taking a big gulp of meat grease |
15 | 3 | 0.71 | 15 | ok i know yall hate this but its a great story that happened to me 8ish years ago. enter a very hungry korinthia into the kitchen. ohshit.jpg leftover toasted raviolis! (for anyone not from the midwest, more specifically st louis, these are breaded and fried meat ravioli, fucking delicious) so i'm like no way i'm ruin... | threw water on flaming food in toaster glass door explodes leaves scorch marks on hardwood floors and ruins toaster. whoops | making a toaster explode |
571 | 94 | 0.87 | 571 | not today but last year.
so i'm a part timer working for the british army voluntarily. occasionally i work with cadets but mostly do paperwork. anyway now and again i get the chance to apply for more exciting work which can include having to visit quite senior officers.
so i was sitting at a desk filing in forms about... | saluted a major with my cock. | having another dick adventure |
6 | 5 | 0.57 | 6 | some backstory, my parents left me home alone for a week while they where in las vegas. so of course i tried to do what any teenager left home alone for a week would try to do, have a huge party.
with the plan in place i got some of my friends to help me setup, we moved almost everything that was breakable into sider... | hosted a party while parents where away, got shut down not even an hour in. parents dont trust me, and im the laughing stock of the school.** | having a party |
0 | 7 | 0.38 | 0 | i've been in a pretty serious relationship with a great guy for about 5 months now. we even started talking about a future together and i knew we would be going out for quite a while. i'm 20 f and he's 27 but the age gap doesn't bug either of us.
i'm away visiting my parents for a month right now, really really far f... | i'm a fucking dumbass | having a threesome |
0 | 6 | 0.52 | 0 | well, to start it off, throwaway for obvious reasons. a little back story: my sister introduced her friend to me a couple years ago, turns out she really liked me since she first saw me so i decided it would be best to not get too close to her, i had already had my girlfriend for a year, and i still do to this day. i'm... | depressed chicks are the horniest | trying to make a friend |
43 | 12 | 0.85 | 43 | was thinking about it, but fuck a throwaway.
so i read a comment on reddit a few days ago in the thread of "don't knock it til you try it" about how baby wipes were superior to toilet paper. there weren't any baby wipes in the bathroom at work, but there were some hand sanitizing wipes. i figured they were the same th... | wiped my ass with a hand wipe which was more alcoholic than most vodkas. | wiping my ass with a hand sanitizing wipe. |
33 | 17 | 0.88 | 33 | so i decided to take a little trip to the coast in italy, travelling alone so unfortunately nobody to help me keep my head screwed on. it started with a quiet sunset beer, absolutely stunning setting in a fairly sleepy town. i then met a group of australians and the beer drinking continued. cut to 3 hours later and i'm... | got really drunk and passed out in youth hostel kitchen topless to be later guided to bed by a stranger in the night. | having a naked nap in a youth hostel kitchen |
112 | 45 | 0.95 | 112 | today i decided to have a lazy day, basically lounge around in a shirt and shorts doing nothing apart from watching films.i hear a knock on the door and stand up to answer it forgetting that i am wearing shorts with buttons on the front.
i open the door to find a neighbour from across the road. i should mention she has... | i opened the door with my cock out to an old lady by accident. | greeting an old woman with my dick out. |
74 | 19 | 0.92 | 74 | a couple days ago i went through a round of physical therapy for my left knee; however my physical therapist must have felt like showing off to his cute new “intern”. as a result he had me contorting into all kinds of weird shapes, doing strange exercises and having me hold stretches longer than usual. because of his n... | got biofreeze on my ball sack; felt like i just dipped it into a bucket of ice water. couldn't clean it off; had to pick up wife from work. had frozen giggleberries for at least 30 minutes before relief. went to bed, my nutsack found another surplus of biofreeze; froze my ball sack again; gave up and went to bed. | getting biofreeze on my ball sack |
836 | 97 | 0.94 | 836 | so my family is having a big reunion this weekend and my mom wanted a specific kind of mosquito repellent that she could only find on amazon. since i have amazon prime, i said i would 2-day ship it to her house so that it could be there in time for the festivities.
also, last fall, my now ex-girlfriend was moving to ... | mom was expected package for her, addressed to me -- got a packed addressed to me, opened it - dildos. | sending my mom sex toys |
67 | 112 | 0.7 | 67 | alright, so i'm sixteen right now, and i don't have very good personal hygiene. in fact, i haven't brushed my teeth nightly for years.
anywho, my younger brother had a checkup about a month ago, and my mom liked the dentist and said that we should come in later and get me a few fillings. (i have tourette's syndrome, s... | * didn't brush teeth for ten years, went to the dentist, found that every tooth but one has a cavity or two, whole thing is gonna cost $5,000 and i still need to make five more trips. also, they had a tv above the chair playing "shrek the third" which i got to watch from beginning to end twice in one visit, which was p... | not brushing my teeth since i was six |
15 | 11 | 0.78 | 15 | so i brought my 3ds in the bathroom and most would expect that i would drop it in the toilet right? well,it went a bit differently. i set my 3ds down by the sink and after washing my hands it magically flew into the bubble filled sink. i panicked and quickly opened it to find the bottom screen all glitchy and messed up... | broke 3ds,no pokemon or smash bros. | bringing my 3ds into the bathroom |
27 | 3 | 0.86 | 27 | so, it started a few months ago when i went to go help my friend with his film project. it was one of those kinds of projects that required copious amounts of food-colouring blood and fake weapons, because he's a huge tarantino fan. i needed to carry a lot of stuff on me, so i carried it around in a backpack.
today, i... | left prop guns in my bag, bag gets searched at airport | packing at the last minute. |
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