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115 | 23 | 0.88 | 115 | this actually happened a couple of years ago. i grew up in germany where i went to a german secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade (we still had 13 grades then, they have since changed that). my school was named after anne frank and we had a club that i was very active in from 9th grade on, which was dedicat... | confuse a 5th grade girl for a boy in front of half of her class. kids are mean. sorry sandra.** | gender-stereotyping |
16 | 12 | 0.79 | 16 | it was last october, but i'm feeling the fall-out from it the most today.
after my mom died from cancer last year, i started looking for my estranged father. i had only known him for a short time when i was 6 and barely remembered more than his name. i never knew why he left and my mom would not talk about him wit... | i found my estranged dad, thought i loved him after getting to know him, got to know him better and changed my mind. | telling my dad that i love him. |
55 | 10 | 0.85 | 55 | so i had the brilliant idea to use veet hair removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a trim and i had heard that veet leaves them smoother for longer. well i guess thats right when the skin has to grow back first.
pre-story: i tried this before and the results were great but i had decided to do it again becau... | had my balls burned by sauron and was left deveeted. | i was deveeted... |
90 | 20 | 0.92 | 90 | today i was going to have a bath after a long day of painting kids faces at a carnival. all would go well, except being the genius i am, i put in some epsom salts (i always do for my bath), and i grabbed my bottle of peppermint essential oil.
lately, i've been on a diy-pinterest-tumblr-let's-make-my-own-shit-and-be-f... | peppermint + bath = burning cold ladybits. | wanting a pepperminty bath. |
81 | 18 | 0.79 | 81 | i haven't had a bath in practically years so, after finally moving into a house with a bath, i decide to have one. having recently purchased a shiny new bag of weed, i thought combining the two would be a good idea.
picture this; a very cramped bathroom, no windows, a shitty extractor fan, closed door, steaming hot ba... | got too high and too hot in the bath, almost cooked myself like a lobster. | having a spliff in the bath. |
4 | 3 | 0.53 | 4 | this was like 2 and a half weeks ago maybe 3. so i left my house to meet up with my girlfriend at a spot in some sorta wood type thing near some nice houses. on my way i saw landscape workers working around the houses and cleaning. i meet my gf and go find a spot in the woods. the spot we went to seemed nice and lonel... | i had sex with my gf in the woods and got caught by landscape workers. | fucking my gf in the woods. [nsfw] |
21 | 9 | 0.86 | 21 | so, my oven is broken...and i'm out of cooking oil, but i want some french fries. so i search the internet and find that if you cover french fries with something, either napkins or another plate and microwave them, they turn out ok. so i tried it, i took to plates, smushed em together and put the french fries in the mi... | tried to microwave french fries and stuck my finger into a franken-fuck of pain causing first degree burns | trying to microwave french fries |
10 | 7 | 0.71 | 10 | this technically happened yesterday since it 1:30 am here, but i can't sleep because i'm worried.
before i start, let me set the scene. it's getting close to 6 on a mildly wet western north carolina summer day. not too much rain, but enough to get the grass wet, and i'm in the really mountainous part of wnc.
so any... | my truck went vroom vroom into a ditch. i tried to get it out, and it tried to kill me. after shouting "ole!" and getting scratched up more than a husband having sex with a kinky cougar, two rednecks helped me out of a perilous predicament. and now me, my testicles, and my truck are all safe and sound. | tearing through a friend's fence and nearly killing myself |
21 | 21 | 0.86 | 21 | earlier today, i was at the local county fair in the lovely county of adams in wisconsin. i was there to enjoy the fair, help out and have a wonderful day. however, later in the afternoon, i found myself in the rabbit, chicken, duck, goose and dairy barn. i was behind a row of rabbit cages with my cousin, which bordere... | i fucked up by mistaking a heifer's want for water as a want for attention, petted it, and screwed my hand up pretty bad. mainly the middle finger. | petting a cow. |
67 | 9 | 0.91 | 67 | so recently i have come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection and have been coughing a lot.
today, i was sitting in the cafeteria at my college when i felt a particularly big cough coming on. it was a very effective cough, and apparently too effective, because instantly i realized i had shat my pants. while... | i coughed so hard i shat my self and was happy about it. | coughing so hard i shat my self |
911 | 240 | 0.82 | 911 | so yeah it actually didn't happen today but about 5 years ago. i was still a virgin and kind of frustrated about it. you know how it goes "shit i'm still a virgin..."
so i was at this party and i heard that there was a girl which i heard she was pretty easy(let's call her easy girl from now on). so for the rest of the... | lost my virginity on someones driveway with a girl i didn't give a shit about and peed in her mouth. | girl gave me head, i thought i came...i was wrong![slightly nsfw?] |
20 | 2 | 0.77 | 20 | my boss had a stroke. he was hospitalized today. while a coworker was explaining his status i had my ear buds in and was laughing hysterically like a hyena at adviceanimals. | caught laughing during bad news | laughing at the wrong time |
0 | 2 | 0.42 | 0 | this happened this last weekend we all know that "i'm glad you came" song right? yeah i now will forever hate that song
let me rewind i am 22 years old and in college my mom and sister came to pick me up for the weekend because my car is at the shop
well anyways that song comes on my sister starts singing it and of ... | i told my sister i came on my mother last night because of a song she was singing | making a horribly inappropiate joke |
127 | 15 | 0.94 | 127 | every day i drive to a park and ride, which is about 2 miles away from my place. well this morning as i was leaving, i left my keys on the counter and locked the door on the way out. it was both my car keys and my condo keys and i had no way back in. my wife had left for work 5 minutes earlier; i tried calling her and ... | locked myself out of my car and condo, sharted, had to walk in the rain 2 miles to the bus. | locking myself out and thinking i just had gas |
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 | so, this girl in my class and i have been working on a number of projects lately and we've developed a great connection. there seems to have been a number of signals, her calling things "our song," texts for no reason, etc... the only problem was that i was her group leader (she was working under me) and i felt it in... | like a girl, finally decided it was safe to make a move, slept with a different girl, fucked everything up | sleeping with a girl other than the girl i like |
374 | 64 | 0.89 | 374 | (technically this is more of a three years ago i fucked up, but i digress...)
back in the good old school days, we had friday sport. this term, myself and a group of friends decided to join the representative touch footy team, and we were waiting for the bus to take us to our semi final match.
my friend was sitting on... | sat in my friend's lap, douchebag teacher dislocates my knee, kneecap decides to stay locked to the side until i got to the hospital, drugs then two weeks on crutches. | sitting in my friend's lap... |
8 | 5 | 0.79 | 8 | so i got a windows 7 ultimate disc and decided i should upgrade and start fresh. i decide that i will keep all my files (about 400 gigs) so i brought my laptop to school to hook up to one of the extra hard drives while i had decided to reinstall. so get to school and whats the first thing my dumbass self does? put the ... | i wanted to upgrade my windows but didn't back up my files so now i have 400 gigs of videos and school work to redo/redownload. | prematurely formatting my hard drive. |
8 | 15 | 0.59 | 8 | okay so this morning i woke up extremely tired, looking for a way to wake my self up (i don't go back to sleep easily, so i decided to wake up instead). i chose food (what else!?)
so i went to the kitchen, poured some cereal into a bowl and got a cup, got out the milk and juice (i have the same god damn thing every da... | woke up tired as fuck and poured juice on my cereal and liked it** | making breakfast |
4 | 4 | 0.67 | 4 | **warning!: wall of text which could easily be viewed as really fucking boring**
the background of the relationship is that we had met online and hadn't met yet. he lives 200 miles away from where i live, but my life's rather busy and he doesn't have a job right now (unemployment in his region is over 50%, so i don't ... | would be that **he effectively told me i should live in a region he hates and i admire because i clearly don't understand the political climate — in so many words, we should break things off.** however, it's much deeper than that. apparently, half his family is from said region (and it's the half he dislikes, of course... | asking for the truth from someone i would have been in a loving relationship with |
429 | 64 | 0.96 | 429 | i had my electronics class today and my professor gave us an assignment where we have to make something from nothing. nothing being the broken computers and other electronics that we could find in our workroom.
my group decided to build a boat, because honestly, hot gluing a block of styrofoam to a cpu fan is the eas... | i bricked my phone by giving it shock therapy with an oscillator.** | testing a speaker. |
17 | 7 | 0.75 | 17 | i seldom go to starbucks but today i decided i should go, well inner me decides, "hey! lets get a frappucino!" i'm lactose intolerant and coffee usually upsets my stomach, but hey i really wanted to go to try the new hazelnut frappe and this totally escaped my mind. just because hey i'm thirsty! so i order it and drin... | go to starbucks, shit myself. | going to starbucks. |
42 | 17 | 0.86 | 42 | this was actually a few weeks ago, but over the course of my relationship with my girlfriend we have shared quite a lot of intimate texts between each other. among those however are the rest of our texts, usually filled with sweet messages, thoughtful things, important life events, etc. i have my phone set to back up a... | accidentally backed up sexts to brother's computer, he discovered them, he now knows the things my girlfriend and i do in bed. | accidentally letting my 14 year old brother see my sexts |
124 | 37 | 0.87 | 124 | well it wasn't today but rather last night.... after a few drinks and a blunt (we are both ents), my boyfriend and i decided to "do the dirty" since its been a few days. we were getting really into it when he decides he wants to do anal again. i'm not a big fan but we have done it before and he knows to be gentle so i ... | i sharted on my boyfriend during sex. | sharting on my boyfriend |
2 | 4 | 0.47 | 2 | ok so first off i would like to say its not funny till the end so prepare to be like "o shit" and then "is this ever going to end" but enjoy.
so i was going downstairs about 2 hours ago to get something to eat and possibly to drink. while downstairs i notice my mother eating a salad, and naturally i was like fuck yea ... | i damn near killed my mom while being the "salad ninja" and had to explain what had happened to the paramedics while having a hitler mustache. | having a terrible choice in mustache at the wrong time... |
180 | 38 | 0.88 | 180 | this happened a few years back so i know its not today, but its my cake day and i do what i want.
so i was working at a fast food restaurant working the grill. it was a particularly busy day, and i didn't have a lot of experience on the grill. i was working with a few good friends and this girl lets call her cathy. n... | told a girl with burns on 90% of her body "i hope you burn yourself" | telling a girl i hope she burns herself. |
120 | 44 | 0.75 | 120 | after much pleading with my girlfriend i was able to convince her to have special sexy times. that's right, i was going to take my love canoe to the grand tetons! not only that, but i was going to, for lack of something clever, cum right on her neck, which sounds fantastic and foolproof! how naive i was to think that i... | tried to make babies in my girlfriend's eye. | during sexy times |
14 | 19 | 0.88 | 14 | i went on a road trip to visit my mom last week. it was my first time driving to nyc. my map app told me that it was a toll road so i pulled out $20 cash thinking it would be plenty. i'm from the midwest and i've never paid a toll that was higher than maybe $4. i've made the drive up i95 as far north as baltimore all t... | gas to get from ga to ny round trip was around $200. tolls and citations will probably end up being over half that. so much for my idea to take a spontaneous road trip and surprise my kids with a visit to grandma's house. | failing the jersey turnpike |
579 | 73 | 0.89 | 579 | okay, so i just got off work today and i had to tell this story somewhere. i work in a call center for a cable company for their tech support. today i got a specific call about something along the lines of "when i open internet explorer all that comes up is a giant white screen and i can never close out of the pages"
... | tried helping someone with a problem even though it was out of my realm of support and ended up looking at multiple pages of an elderly man's porn, then had to close it out for him because he didn't know how. tifu. | trying to help an elderly man use ie on windows 8 |
116 | 30 | 0.9 | 116 | technically it was not today but last friday, hope you forgive me there. also, forgive the bad english of a spanish speaker.
so i´m a nervous guy,and this week, the money my parents gave me for college went away faster than usual, because i had to buy some groceries on my apartment that i didn´t account for. now, i ... | jumped out of a bus, walked back home and got carried back to the hospital to find out walking normally was out of the table for the next two or three months. | jumping from a moving vehicle. |
9 | 10 | 0.67 | 9 | so, i was playing halo 4 at my friends house. we played like 5 matches, and i had been doing horribly.
we start up a game of free for all and we get at it. intense game. last 20 seconds and im tied with my friend who is sitting there split screening with me. i win by a kill.
herrs where i fuck up. i get so excited an... | im a loser at halo, win once, freak out, kick xbox, scratch disc, have to give him mine. | overreacting to winning. |
13 | 2 | 0.69 | 13 | ok, sigh. this happened last night.
my friend, brother and i went to go watch a movie at a local theatre. im getting over a stomach flu so ive been passing gas lately, sorry for the tmi. so we find a parking spot and i thought it would be funny to rip a huge one before we leave to see if the smell would still stay in ... | i forced a shart, cleaned up and stunk up a starbucks bathroom, and watched a movie commando. | forcing a shart. |
42 | 4 | 0.89 | 42 | because my nails are super thick and i have scissors instead of clippers, i tend to forget clipping them every now and then, causing them to get super long and, and some cases, super fragile.
while i was pacing around, killing time by listening to music, i stumbled down the mini-steps into the hallway, sending my righ... | suffered the agony of the feet, nearly passed out at the sight of my fuckup. | not clipping my toenails |
19 | 5 | 0.82 | 19 | it's the start of a glorious weekend. getting home from a long day, hanging out with close friends, getting the occasional call or text message to jump from one activity to the next. early evening i receive a text from what i believed, at the time, was a beautiful, yet intelligent woman i had been texting earlier that ... | make sure you know who you are testing, or else you may find things out about your associates that you wouldn't want to know. | not having proper names for the numbers in my phone |
55 | 30 | 0.79 | 55 | so today started like any other saturday. i picked up my buddy from his house and came back to mine to play some gamecube games. we got a bit hungry around 1-ish today and decided to get something we haven't eaten in a while. i offered my dad to buy him lunch and he said taco bell. i was hesitant because i never really... | i ate taco bell and arby's in the same day and i haven't left my toilet for a fucking hour with no tp! pretty sure my anus is bleeding** | mixing taco bell and arby's in one day |
9 | 5 | 0.71 | 9 | so i've been dating a girl for about 6 months. i'm bi, and she doesn't know that. i'm more sexually attracted to men, but i have more of an emotional attraction to her. anyway, today, we were sitting around bullshitting like we usually do. i decided i want to show her a new song that i found that i figure she would lik... | showed my girlfriend my gay porn collection, played it off as a prank. | showing my girlfriend my gay porn. |
0 | 9 | 0.48 | 0 | so there's this girl who works at a burrito place i like.
cool chick, we're friends, have been for a while.
so i'm thinking i'll go here for lunch.
she's working, and i starting talking to her, hitting on her, cuz she's hot and i'm a guy so fuck it, why not.
turns out, when i dated her friend a while back, and dumped... | i hit on a lez, and had to settle for measly taco bell. | hitting on my burrito girl |
25 | 19 | 0.64 | 25 | so some fucker is dancing between a two lane road whenever a lane gets fucking clogged (and by clogged i mean he can't fucking brake and wait like a normal person), thinking he'll get to his destination 4 minutes quicker. my previous two attempts to block him from getting to my lane and stop pulling that fuckery failed... | had a bad day turn worse due to fucking trolling ass driver or crap. good guy juan understands and we're done with it. | getting in a car accident. |
24 | 6 | 0.91 | 24 | i work as sales in a manufacturing/distributing company that sells paper and plastic products. long story short, a distributor contacts me and is interested in spoons, requests prices, i give, and then orders. he gives me a card over email, which i should've suspected, but i didn't since it was a large amount of $$ and... | accidently charged stolen credit cards up to $28k and shipped out products that are now gone. | losing the company i work for $28k usd.. |
0 | 0 | 0.38 | 0 | nothing too exciting with this tifu. i already submitted my university applications earlier and theres pressure on my parents to attend university because it's more prestigious and the odds of me getting a career post grad is higher than college, i also think it's part of their own benefit. but i wanted to apply to bot... | i delayed applying to college because i knew i'd have no parental support and i couldn't apply because my card kept being bounced back and declined. now the application deadline has passed. | not submitting my college application sooner. |
0 | 4 | 0.23 | 0 | this bar i have been going to has my little sisters friends sister bar tending there and this past sunday i said one the dumbest things. i had asked if her sister was single and whatnot, i pretty much just asked that in general because i thought my sister and hers where not friends anymore, i tried to say my bad and ap... | asked about younger sisters friend to her older sister out of stupidity and i now feel like the creepy guy even though i believe she was giving me grief about telling her after i apologized. | i feel like the creepy guy. just found this subreddit and figured it's the right place. |
10 | 10 | 0.63 | 10 | this actually happened yesterday.
i have a tendency to get really, really bored at work - because we have long periods of downtime. to keep myself awake i try to make myself physically uncomfortable. on my way in yesterday morning, i knew i had to drop a deuce, so i figured i'd hold it til after work to get me through... | yesterday, i held in my crap to stay awake, it didn't work, and after getting sent home from work i crapped myself in the car. | falling asleep at work and shitting myself |
293 | 62 | 0.91 | 293 | first all, for those of you that don't know what headsooth is, it is a chapstick like device which you apply to your forehead when you have a headache, it gives a deep cold/burning sensation which isn't pleasant and the best of times.
so there we were, pre-drinking before a night out, having a right old laugh ect. wh... | put headsooth on balls, searing pain followed | putting 'headsooth' on my balls |
17 | 4 | 0.67 | 17 | granted, this f-up is not too bad compared to many of the others here, but it is bad in my life. it actually occurred last thursday. my first class had been canceled, and i was running late for my other class. we were having a test in that class, so i wanted to get there on time. best way? to drive fast. keep in mind, ... | my car accelerated the best it ever has, next to a cop, while late... | learning that my local police force do indeed do their jobs. |
53 | 11 | 0.9 | 53 | it's been a couple weeks since i'd been to the gym. i got sick, i started a new job, life was generally being shitty and in the way. after some gentle encouragement from my girlfriend, i agreed that i really did need to get back on it and go back to working out.
cue yesterday, first day back to the gym. i had lost my ... | **i locked my keys in my locker, including the key for my lock. i then had to walk my fat ass up to the front desk, in my underwear, and ask the female front desk attendant for the bolt cutters so i could get my clothes, keys and everything else out.** | using a lock on my locker at the gym. |
0 | 13 | 0.5 | 0 | i did some nude photography/modeling a few years back, and while i love the pieces i did and do not regret them in the slightest, i don't particularly want seeing my friends, especially male friends, seeing me nude, mostly because i have *body issues* like every other woman it seems.
i was browsing reddit, and noticed... | almost sent a link containing a link of old nude photos to my friend, but he was a good buddy and didn't look. | accidentally sending a link of nude photos to a friend |
2,401 | 389 | 0.9 | 2,401 | throwaway for obvious reasons, but i thought you guys might find more humor in what happened to me than i do.
today i've been feeling particularly horny. i think it's a combination of pms (which makes me want to have a dick inside me in the worst way), and just thinking about the incredible sex i had this past weeke... | boss walked in, i orgasmed, he got hard. pretty sure he fapped too. | flicking my bean at work. |
71 | 33 | 0.88 | 71 | this will ^hopefully be the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that i will ever post.
my mother in-law just got new , expensive chairs before the family visits for the holidays^you ^already ^know ^where ^this ^is ^going
so my entire family is sitting around the house, and i am feeling 100% ok. i just put on some ne... | a river of the most ~~vial~~ **vile** shit you will ever witness erupted from me in front of my entire family. | trusting a fart. |
12 | 3 | 0.75 | 12 | this is going to start like most of these with a "this wasn't today but whatever". just shut up, y'all want to here a good story. so, me and my two best mates are out in zante. first ever lads holiday. if you've seen the inbetweeners film, that was roughly our expectations. and it delivered.
so i had never been sick ... | i don't blame you, that was one hell of a wall of text. got so fucked up on first ever lads holiday, ended up in the hospital on a drip. and in zante, there's not nhs like here in blighty. £££ | seriously over-did it in zante. |
15 | 12 | 0.77 | 15 | so today i had two exam finals and, i believed, a paper final due tomorrow. then i would be done or, so i thought. i had recently passed a macroeconomics course i had failed the last semester so i thought everything was golden.
today i drag myself out of bed after studying all night for my 7:30am final, go home, stud... | i passed a course i failed last semester, thought i was going to do well for the rest of finals. i missed the deadline for a final paper. now i'm going to fail this class and not get initiated into the first year of sisters for a new sorority on campus. | believing my last final paper was due tomorrow. |
34 | 4 | 0.84 | 34 | this actually happened a while ago, but so did everything else on this sub. this fuck up happened whilst i was still in highschool. i lived very far away from my highschool, so during my senior year i lived with my grandmother to save money on petrol. as you can imagine, my grandmother is not an avid user of the intern... | i watched so much porn whilst living with my grandmother that she kicked me out. also she found my porn-stash and was disgusted.** | watching porn at my grandmother's house |
75 | 16 | 0.93 | 75 | this didn't happen today, but i need to tell the world. here's the backstory:
a little while back, i was having a conversation with a friend of mine about what would be the worst thing to get beaten up with. we quickly settled on a dildo. just imagine getting into a fight and, instead of a knife, the guy pulls an e... | i bought a dildo and my dad found it and we aren't talking about it | purchasing a large, double ended, black dildo |
0 | 5 | 0.29 | 0 | so this isn't a 1 day fuck up but instead several weeks worth.
i am going to be brief with certain events here because i made a promise to z not to tell anyone what happened and as you will soon understand, it is safer if it just stays hidden. for the same reasons, i have used a thowaway.
a few weeks ago i got a call... | so from what i can understand, if people chat shit about me, i have to pretend it is fact because any form of defending myself just results in death threats. | trying to defend myself. |
752 | 210 | 0.79 | 752 | the nofap community recommended i post this to r/tifu
###how r/nofap ruined my only chance at a potential relationship
a couple months ago, i went on a 2nd date with a girl from okcupid. originally we planned to go snowtubing but the snow had melt. instead she invites me over for dinner. i get there, it's just ... | 21 days nofap, i go on my first date in over a year. i spend the night and paint the guest room. | nofap (not masturbating) before going on a date. |
0 | 2 | 0.42 | 0 | well, it's more of a 6 month slow-mo fuck up. the girl i love & who loved me was in the midst of the toughest 2 years anyone has gone through. i got so scared of my own shadow, constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing that might add more stress to her life, that i barely said anything. that didn't help at all. so de... | wasn't honest with my gf and she dumped me. | keeping my stupid mouth shut |
26 | 1 | 0.83 | 26 | i woke up this morning, somewhat hungover after a(nother) night of heavy drinking. it was about 1pm and time for lunch, so i went to the kitchen. i live at home and my stepmom was making lunch. she said "spillomanen, if i make us some wraps, then you make us something to drink" and who could possibly say no to such an ... | making soda is hard with a hangover | making soda |
967 | 73 | 0.92 | 967 | happened a few quarters ago, sorry i only discovered this place recently. i was in a helping relationship psychology class where we were given a task to practice one on one relationships with people who had small and manageable problems. we were assigned to record our sessions so our professor could check on our respon... | forgot to wipe usb stick name, handed my prof. what she thought was my horse porn collection | giving my professor a usb drive containing 'horse porn' |
108 | 35 | 0.89 | 108 | a few months ago i was at my girlfriends house and we went into the garage to get something to drink while we watched netflix. well while we were in there she was being frisky then started giving me a blowjob when we heard her mom out in the kitchen. we quickly grabbed some sodas and walked out. i still had my boner so... | got a boner and tried to hide it when we heard her mom, her mom ended up seeing it and just walked into her room. | flipping my boner up in my shorts at my girlfriends. |
46 | 10 | 0.86 | 46 | i'm a children's librarian in a small town where everyone seems to know each other. part of my job is working with our volunteers. a very nice girl (about 14) started volunteering a couple of weeks ago. one of my co-workers knows her family and we were talking about her before her shift one day. turns out this girl is ... | i relied on small town gossip for news and made a young girl tell me about her dad's suicide | trying to be encouraging to a teenage girl |
0 | 2 | 0.45 | 0 | my friends and i were in a car at a local park tonight. suddenly, 7 cars sped out of the parking lot in formation. my friend got instantly excited and followed. we thought we were going to see some fucked up shit. the anticipation was unreal. we even followed them into the next town. they eventually parked in a sketc... | followed a convoy thinking we were bad ass only to realize it was just a large latino family | being a part of a convoy |
5 | 6 | 0.67 | 5 | since i was about 10, i've had really bad acne and ultra sensitive skin, but it wasn't until a today (headed into my sophomore year in high school) that my parents decided i should get epiduo prescription medication for my face. i've tried all kinds of medication in the past and they didn't work, but my parents saw a c... | used prescription medication and spent two hours in the sun when it directly told me not to. | going outside |
63 | 13 | 0.88 | 63 | bit of back story: my boyfriend, "j", lives in an a one bedroom apartment with a currently unemployed roommate who made a makeshift bedroom where the dining room should be. his roommate,"w", gets money from his parents to pay rent/bills so he hardly ever leaves.
important to note: he has a dresser with a huge mirror t... | boyfriend and i had sex in shower without realizing roommate came back home. he probably saw my tits in the process. | assuming by boyfriend and i were alone |
17 | 7 | 0.75 | 17 | so a little background. i work in a manufacturing plant and today my job was to run parts out of our automatic press. well i loaded a coil of stock onto the feeder.
first fu: i didn't pay attention to which way the burr was facing on the coil.
now this doesn't seem important but when you run it through the straightn... | strap ons and burrs | not using three bands |
8 | 8 | 0.69 | 8 | sister's going out of town and taking her kids. "hey little brother, do you mind staying at my place a couple days and taking care of the pets?"
it's not a problem. the first part of the afternoon yesterday i got bored and rearranged the alphabet letters on her refrigerator into various immature phrases and vulgariti... | thanks to my quick reasoning and faster reactions, i grabbed my sister's tiny dildo. | house-sitting at my sisters. |
1,078 | 139 | 0.93 | 1,078 | so here's my story, happened just 15 minutes ago.
i just got back from the gym and had a shower. i decided to snap a pic of myself to send to the gf and also just as a general progress pic. so anyway, here's where the fuck up happens. as i opened the picture, i pressed this one button which i assumed was the "share" bu... | took a naked selfie for the gf and for "progress pics", end up accidentally sharing it onto the big screen tv downstairs which my parents were viewing. tifu. | trying to send nude pics to the gf |
20 | 4 | 0.87 | 20 | this actually happened last weekend, and i feel that i need to preface that i am a 28 year old female and i have camped many times, but i always make sure to have a potty nearby because my biggest fear is what happened.
i live in idaho and it's been 100 degrees every day for like a month and a half. some friends and ... | i am a grown professional female who doesn't know how to shit in the woods. | pooping in the woods for the first time. |
13 | 9 | 0.7 | 13 | to make days go by faster at work, i brought in a portable music speaker that i can set up wherever i'm working. so today, i was moved into a hall to clean floors while a cleaning crew worked on the walls. i plug in my ipod so we can all listen to music while working. this was in the morning, and everything went fine, ... | told some more senior workers to "fuck you, i won't do what you tell me." | playing music at work. |
0 | 7 | 0.33 | 0 | back story: my best friend and i have known each other for sixteen years and tell each other everything.
ok, so 6 years ago, my friend, let's call her c, starts dating a guy,z. z and c exchange virginities and break up soon after.
fast forward to 2 years ago when they got back together. c and z get engaged and c cheats... | talked to bffs ex fiancé and ended up fucking him. feel awful | fucking my best friend's ex |
301 | 68 | 0.93 | 301 | its a summer day and being a 16 year old female enjoying the days of being home alone, i decide to put my favorite broadway soundtrack *chicago* on. i hop in the shower to enjoy the jazzy tunes (because, who doesn't like to sing in the shower) and i don't bother to close the bathroom door because i'm home alone right? ... | did a sexy towel dance in the mirror after my shower with the door wide open to the *chicago* song "when you're good to mama" thinking i was home alone, but, my uncle saw it all. | assuming i was home alone. |
5 | 4 | 0.55 | 5 | this actually happened a long time ago and is actually one of my earliest memories of throwing up. when i was about eight i was at a party in my neighborhood when my stomach started to act up. i decided to walk home to go to the bathroom because i thought i needed to poop. i made it to my bathroom but nothing was co... | how are you this lazy? it's a single paragraph, read it! | not knowing the difference between needing to poop and needing to throw up. |
54 | 21 | 0.66 | 54 | this was actually about 4 years ago, but i think it qualifies as a fuck up. so anyway, i was sick with the flu or something, i had been home sick for a good week. i go to the bathroom to puke. what happened next, was pretty much one of the dumbest things i have done. i was trying to puke into the toilet since i felt li... | fuck you, read. | doing the wrong thing in the right place. |
7 | 5 | 0.74 | 7 | i was at my grandparents' farm today just walking around when i stumbled across a blue egg just sitting on the ground. it actually looked whole, but when i picked it up, i noticed it had a few holes in it where the unborn bird must have leaked out. it still had some weight to it though, so i figured that i could just t... | accidentally broke a rotten robin's egg into my hand. will never forget the smell. | getting rotten robin egg juices on my hand. |
14 | 8 | 0.82 | 14 | i work at a chain restaurant and lately we have had a lot of "coupon fraud." basically, this means servers steal stacks of coupons or print them from their computer under false emails (or snatch them out of local newspapers but this is more rare) and add them to all their cash checks. since they are their "own bank" an... | got a cool chick i had no problems with fired because she was profiting from coupon fraud. feels bad, man. | getting a friend fired from work. at least it was due to her own actions, but still. |
21 | 2 | 0.92 | 21 | so, this was actually a week ago on canada day, and i guess its more of a really awkward situation than anything else. anyway, it's canada day, and i don't usually bus, but its free today. take the bus downtown with some friends, have a great time. we split, i go to a teammates house for a bit then bus home alone, arou... | rubbed my phone in my pocket against a much older woman's ass in a crowded bus, made her think i basically humped her | being in a crowded bus |
30 | 6 | 0.95 | 30 | so last night i had a couple of people over and i got pretty drunk. after my friends depart from my place im feeling exhausted and want to go straight to bed, but first i had to piss. so i drain the pipes and head upstairs to my room. still drunk, i decided to browse the internet for a little bit. i realized i was way ... | hungover? better drink my own piss. | peeing in a gatorade bottle. |
40 | 62 | 0.75 | 40 | i'm not going to elaborate because i don't even know how to. pretty much, i totaled my car, my parents found out about my marijuana use, and i broke up with my girlfriend in 1 hour. oh, and i also became the biggest joke in school over my minecraft playing.
i'll elaborate in comments when i get my head straight, li... | i really fucked up everything good in my life in one hour. | tifu... a lot |
199 | 34 | 0.92 | 199 | so at my school there is a very attractive girl, she's an exchange student from portugal named mari. exotic, tan and a cute accent. a week ago i happened by her number because she desperately needed tutoring in chemistry and i am good at science. so i became her tutor, got her number, and 15 bucks an hour pays well. so... | i texted "prepare your anus, i'm coming in hot" to the most attractive girl at myself school because i don't know the alphabet. | accidentally texting the most attractive girl at my school "prepare your anus." then got a noise disturbance citation from the police. |
4 | 17 | 0.59 | 4 | throwaway for obvious reasons.
so i'm 14 and discovered masturbation a few months ago - this is to be expected of people to start watching porn and stuff. i had a soundcloud account linked to my facebook, and started listening to some porn to get me off. it normally helps me.
so since it's linked, i start listening t... | have soundcloud account linked to facebook, listen to some porn, and my mom finds out. | listening to porn |
99 | 14 | 0.85 | 99 | this one is pretty cut and dry...
work in a very small office. when one uses the bathroom there is no question about whether it is 1 or 2. thought since nobody was upstairs that i had clearance to let one rip. i immediately regretted that decision. a faster than usual dash to the bathroom probably alerted everyone dow... | never trust a fart at work. it may work once or twice but eventually you will shart and when you do there will not be any tp for you. because life. | trusting a fart while i was at work |
31 | 5 | 0.83 | 31 | i, 22f, am studying abroad in argentina this semester. as i am well aware, the country is currently in a state of economic distress and, as the unemployment rate is extremely high, many of the inhabitants have resorted to petty crime, such as pickpocketing, in an attempt to make ends meet. there's the background.
a fe... | got spat on and robbed while stoned and studying abroad in a foreign country without even realizing until it was over. | being high and foreign. |
1,579 | 294 | 0.95 | 1,579 | a wee bit of backstory: i don't drink hard liquor, i don't like it and it doesn't like me. i can drink wine and beer regularly with little to no issue but stay away from the hard stuff. amongst my friends and family there is a standing ban against two types of liquor specifically; vodka, because it makes me cry like a ... | i'm a light weight, i fight like a girl, and my wife has a wicked left. | getting black out drunk and biting my wife. |
56 | 24 | 0.89 | 56 | i'd been planning to switch banks for some time now. i have been stewing and stewing over the fact that my bank has started assessing a $6 monthly service fee if your account balance falls below $500 during any time during the previous month.
so they're charging me for being poor. if i was wealthy and could maintain... | got mad at my bank, closed my bank account, and then realized that my federal tax refund was scheduled to direct-deposit into that account. had to call them and beg to get it reopened. my pride is no more. it has ceased to be. | closing out the bank account that i had scheduled my tax returns to direct deposit into... |
100 | 20 | 0.94 | 100 | ok, so this happened a couple weeks ago in my research lab. this might be a little confusing if you aren't a scientist or chemist, but i'll try to make it readable for you non-scientists out there. btw, i am an undergraduate researcher, so you can imagine some of the stupidity that will ensue.
i work in a lab that tri... | i breathed a dangerous chemical because of stupid and unsafe lab techniques, and i should count myself lucky that nothing too dangerous occurred to my body because of it. now, i'm going to be the safest scientist ever. | breathing in dichloromethane at my research lab. |
0 | 3 | 0.29 | 0 | my fuck up actually started yesterday when i ate panda express for lunch and then mcdonalds for dinner. i'm usually a really healthy eater so the introduction of this food into my system hasn't been treating me well today.
so i was back in the bathroom to shit for the fourth time today and when i entered the bathro... | didn't lock the door and female secretary walks in on me with stall door open and pants around ankles while shitting | not locking the door to the bathroom |
0 | 2 | 0.2 | 0 | let me start off my saying i know it's only forty bucks so its kinda whatever, but just listen. so i went to the dump for my mom, which is about three minutes down the road. i get there with my two bags of trash which costs a buck. i pay the guy and get these ticket things you throw down the chute with the garbage. i p... | threw fuckin 40 bucks down the garbage chute and got back a minute too late to have any hope of getting it back because my dumbass didn't realize it. one expensive trash day. | throwing away 40 dollars |
10 | 2 | 0.94 | 10 | so i decided to take the fiance for a nice meal at a nearby japanese restaurant. a short trip on the bus would do us nicely...or so i thought...the front seats are priority seats for old people so i led the other half to the back of the bus and sat down.
not long afterwards my leg started getting a little chilly, no w... | used a bus, made my fiance and i sit in someone else's pee. | using public transport. |
737 | 73 | 0.94 | 737 | i work in a students union in an office upstairs. my friend works on the reception, right in the middle of the main entrance foyer downstairs. we both are big fans of the walking dead and are both pretty much up to the same point in the series, her always being a few episodes ahead. we love to discuss the show after i ... | people with downs syndrome are not likely to appreciate your zombie impression, no matter how good it is. ** | doing a zombie impression in the most inappropriate situation imaginable |
19 | 22 | 0.73 | 19 | so, to start off i am 13 years old and this all happened last sunday. i was messing around, not thinking, and was swirling a half dollar in between my teeth. as unlucky as i was, it slipped in between my teeth, went down my throat, tried to cough it up, made it even worse, and completely swallowed the damned thing with... | [accidently swallowed a half dollar, went to the er, and could actually die if it rips through my colon.] | swallowing a half dollar... |
25 | 5 | 0.84 | 25 | this actually happened a couple weeks ago, but i'll start with how things work. at the ups hub the loaders get packages that come down the belt from the sort aisle, then you load them into the semi trailer. that trailer might be going to florida, new york, or another state that your area covers.
well, sometimes the p... | i caused an entire hub of 5,000+ people to not get their paychecks for a couple days. | not checking if the bag that came down my belt actually went into my trailer or not. (i work at ups) |
5 | 8 | 0.62 | 5 | barely even 10 days ago, my mom got me a brand new samsung galazxy s4 for christmas. anyways, last night i went to my friends birthday party and after the party ended, my drunk self thought it would be a good idea to walk home. (the walk probably took around 2 hours but luckily it wasn't raining or too cold) midway thr... | got drunk and lost my brand new s4 the day before christmas | getting drunk |
992 | 92 | 0.96 | 992 | i'll admit this didn't just happen today. this was years ago, but i thought you all would enjoy it.
i was 18 years old and had just moved out of my apartment about a month prior. an acquaintance of mine moved into the same apartment 'block' as me a month before i moved out. this is important.
she held a party one su... | blacked out. trespassed. | after a party and woke up in my old apartment |
9 | 6 | 0.68 | 9 | so today was pretty horrible for me. also, throwaway because some people i know at school browse reddit and this subreddit quite frequently. and the last thing i need is someone to find out all of my dirty secrets
today was one of the last days of school (last official day for seniors is friday) and we had gotten our ... | put a love poem in the girl that i have liked for a while's locker. then accidentally signed "i love you" in her yearbook. | signing my crush's yearbook and leaving a note in her locker. |
1,699 | 525 | 0.93 | 1,699 | let me preface this with the acknowledgement that no, i am not a genius, but i *am* a reasonably smart guy. unfortunately, i am nontheless a *guy*, which also means when i'm horny, i'm motherfuckin *horny*.
i recently got a pretty gorgeous girlfriend who is also into harry potter and is generally pretty fantastic. it... | , i tried putting a bottle in my ass and it shattered, plunging me ino an infinity of pain and permanently bruising my manhood. also, my rectum.** | experimenting and exploding a glass bottle inside my ass |
72 | 8 | 0.89 | 72 | left the bar and stopped at my gf's house. her little sister was asleep, parents at work, little brother out. she was supposed to pick him at at 11, and it was only 10:20pm. so out of no where she starts fooling around with me, turns to a bj, but i'm buzzed so i tell her i cant finish and she tells me just to fuck her.... | ** drunkenly boned girlfriend on her couch and her brother saw us, sent her a creepy text | having sex with the front door open. |
23 | 3 | 0.91 | 23 | this guy calls in, we'll call him rick since that's his name and he's an asshole.
rick calls in and starts screaming at me:
r: listen! you tried to rip me off.
me: i'm sorry, what happened?
r: i was just in your store and you told me i could only get $10 for a coin that's worth $300!!!!
me: i do a... | i told an angry "customer" over the phone i fucked his mom while someone filmed it. | adding commentary. |
92 | 40 | 0.82 | 92 | i was a freshman in high school. i was in my last period class, biology. of course, my add kicked in and it was extremely hard for me to concentrate on what the teacher was talking about.
so i pull out a small spiral, with like 200 pages in it.
earlier that week, i had started a sort of insider with my friends to make ... | i wrote hundreds of dumb jokes in a notebook and my parents, teacher, and principal think i'm mentally unstable. | writing jokes in a spiral. |
28 | 3 | 0.8 | 28 | a bit of background: i'm almost certain that i have an overactive bladder.
it's an incredibly windy day in the city that i reside in. i'm driving through an industrial area where there is quite a bit of crime, and therefore are virtually no public restrooms as they most likely would be frequented by rapists and junkie... | pooped and peed all over a porta-potty while the door was ripped open by the wind. additionally, a kind old man was then exposed to my shameful doing. | thinking i had to urinate, and in turn spraying liquid diarrhea all over, just in time for an elderly man to walk into it. |
4 | 9 | 1 | 4 | average day at work, not too busy, not too slow either, i just recently quit drinking so i'm not completely focused today not that my job really requires my 100% focus 100% of the time anyways so i'm getting by just fine. i'm getting ready to go on my break while waiting for another co worker to come in at 5, he's usua... | turn around for a split second, little girl goes down. | not paying attention |
0 | 3 | 0.25 | 0 | so my day pretty much sucked.
let's start off with the shitty morning of me waking up early at 7:30. so i just sit on my couch and recollect my thoughts of my daily chores. half asleep, my mother comes upstairs saying we need to help my 90-year-old grandmother.
**shit just hit the fan**
so we scarf down a leftover pa... | i ate a wendy's frosty, got the shits, burned and tore my butthole into a gateway to oblivion, and clogged my only toilet | going to wendy's |
34 | 3 | 0.9 | 34 | yesterday evening my mother and i were walking through the mall. i turned my head to the left and saw a beautiful casual dress in the window of hot topic: black with a pink "galaxy" pattern and white stars. it looked like someone had put pictures from a telescope on it.
seeing that the dress was only twenty five doll... | didn't sit down while taking off my shoes, got a cramp, exposed myself to a store full of special snowflakes.** | not loosening my sneaker |
18 | 6 | 0.77 | 18 | *using a throwaway because well, who knows who reads this site. anyway, i never thought i would be worthy of a post here. not because i think i'm perfect, but because my fuck ups usually are not that notable. i was wrong.*
let me set the scene for you: my wife and i just moved in with some family. now by family, i mea... | i may have incidentally met dwayne johnson. | enjoying a few minutes outside alone at 3am, or so i thought |
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