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0 | 10 | 0.38 | 0 | warning, wall of text.
i work at a mcdiabeetus. and we sell sweet tea, any size for a dollar, this being 'murica, it sells like crazy (especially the large sized), especially after april.
the tank in the lobby ran out of sweet tea so i was tasked with putting sweet tea in said tank. i do the routine, take the tank b... | i dropped a bucket of sweet tea and when cleaning it up, moved something turning off the water valve, shutting down water to the whole store. | spilling sweet tea everywhere and shutting off the main water valve. |
13 | 17 | 0.75 | 13 | so to start off, i am a medical cannabis patient. and because i cannot smoke by my house because my grandparents would kill me, i find time to smoke a half a mile from my house. so here i am driving along smoking a blunt, enjoying myself after a long day at work, when i decide i am finished. so i start rolling the cher... | smoked a blunt while driving home, tried to put it out, started a small fire in my car. i am a dumb ass. | smoking on a windy day |
39 | 5 | 0.86 | 39 | more like "two years ago i fucked up", in this case.
my high school was putting on a musical and i was on the crew because i wanted to participate, but don't like to sing in front of people. my job was to open and close the curtains at the appropriate times. easy enough, and i became close friends with all the cast me... | i managed to screw up by not shitting myself.** | pooping in a toilet |
1,242 | 209 | 0.93 | 1,242 | oh. my. god. this is fucking awful.
so brief background: i've been on adderall for a while, right? well the loveliest of side effects is that it makes your shit set up camp and just chill in your intestines.
technically you could say "yesterday i fucked up", but it is today that i am reaping the repercussions of m... | if i die tonight there's an 80% chance it's due to something shit related. | being a dumb shit and overloading on poop facilitators |
36 | 10 | 0.69 | 36 | about a year ago i was a part of the stage construction/ stage crew for my schools fall play. during the play the people in stage crew could stay there or go home. i was gonna go home, but then the director said i would need to fill in for some missing actors. right here is where it fucks up. i have a female friend i h... | i had a crush on a girl, she touched my dick through my jeans on accident and i ejaculated. | going to play practice |
0 | 13 | 0.35 | 0 | tifu while playing league of legends when one of a friend (whom i happen to have a huge crush on)'s friends started saying that he liked her. i flipped my shit, caused a scene, and more than likely lost a good friend because of it. so far, she's blocked me on skype and facebook and unfriended me on lol.
**update:**... | flipped a shit when i found out likes the same girl i do. pissed her off and won't see her again for a bit. | having envy |
142 | 11 | 0.93 | 142 | so i went to see my grandparents with my mom at a resort-like retirement villa. it was a wonderful place with lots of beautiful scenery and activities for the seniors to do with visiting relatives.
we ordered our food at the restaurant there and started catching up on things. while dining on some not-so-well cooked sh... | i mentioned a cemetery around my grandparents instead of just shutting my mouth like i should've. | answering a rhetorical question from my grandpa |
76 | 11 | 0.95 | 76 | i ran track in high school and run with friends as a recreational activity. i'll get right to the point. there's this cemetery that my friends both love and loathe. it's not your ordinary cemetery; it's huge and hilly with various ponds and such scattered. it's a very tiring route to run through, and i have only seen o... | decided to take a shortcut during my jog in a cemetery and fell in an open grave. | falling in an open grave |
0 | 9 | 0.39 | 0 | i just want to vent. i don't care if anybody reads this, and i haven't told anybody because i don't want to burden them with my emotional bs. i don't care if she ever sees this. she'll know it's her, but it won't matter; she still won't talk to me. neither will any of her friends. they think i'm scum. which is a pretty... | i'm an egotistical, arrogant douche who ruined my chance with a wonderful girl, but worse, i may have hurt her, and deserve everything that i get coming from her. | the most amazing girl |
309 | 62 | 0.92 | 309 | this happened a few nights ago, and i'm still trying to recuperate. so my friends and i had been planning this night several weeks prior and we were all really looking forward to it. but this night meant something more to me; the girl i've been interested in was coming and that was going to be the time for me to see if... | i ate a lot of tacobell, and ended up shitting myself while dancing with a girl i like. | eating tacobell before swing dancing |
25 | 11 | 0.77 | 25 | i was sitting across the room from my husband, both of us playing on around on our phones, when i decided it would be a good idea to send him a naughty photo i took for him. i was feeling a little frisky, so i immediately opened up my text message icon and inserted the photo and sent the photo.
i closed the screen ... | i sent the naughty picture to my mother instead of husband, still got laid. | almost sending a very naughty photo to my mother via text. |
12 | 1 | 1 | 12 | beforehand, as a non native speaker i'm sorry for my poor english. corrections welcomed.
back in december 2012, i had a shitty job that i was leaving. i already updated my résumé a few month earlier and showed it to my friends to check spelling, grammar & everything else. i was very confident that my résumé was perfe... | i have screwed up the dates on my résumé, so companies thought that i was unemployed for more than a year (instead of a few weeks) and i didn't notice for 3 months. i feel very stupid about it now. | my job applications |
18 | 9 | 0.92 | 18 | the thread below from /r/askreddit made me think of this story. it's over 3,000 comments deep, but i still wanted to share the wisdom we gained that day without it getting buried. i figured you guys would like this.
**warning : it's a long one!** i'll break it into two parts, my fuck up, and the one the other guys ... | ** - drank mystery booze, got groped, and my brother won a game by puking. don't drink strega!!! | drinking from an unmarked bottle |
115 | 27 | 0.78 | 115 | okay so this morning i got up late for class and decided that i could skip a shower and just do the ol' wet-my-hair-down-and-put-a-shit-ton-of-deodorant-on-to-make-it-seem-like-i-showered. it worked well enough and my day went on normally.
after class i get a text from my new-ish hot girlfriend (almost a month) askin... | i missed out on a blow job because i sprayed febreze down my urethra. | febreze-ing my dick |
0 | 0 | 0.4 | 0 | this wasn't today but last thursday.
i was asked to join a new group of friends for drinks. i haven't drank alcohol for about a month for various reasons and i was very behind on sleep, but i still wanted to join them.
so the night starts off normal until i decide to stop mixing my drinks and pouring straight admira... | new acquaintances, drink silly amounts of alcohol, made a great first impression and have initiated myself into the group by getting plastered. now owe a handle of admiral, and am nicknamed 180. | getting too drunk |
189 | 33 | 0.93 | 189 | this is my first time submitting a post to reddit, so bear with me as i no doubt make an arse of the formatting. i'm also warning you that this post is fucking horrible and involves not only a lot of blood where it shouldn't be, but a detailed description of my penis-cleaning procedure.
i keep some baby wipes in ... | i had a penis period. | tearing my penis and bleeding all over my bathroom |
17 | 13 | 0.83 | 17 | last night, by boyfriend and i got a pizza, and when we got back, i took the the pizza upstairs while he went to park the car. his designated lot is a good 15 minute walk from my complex, so i was left with the challenge of keeping the pizza warm while i waited for him to return.
no problem, i would just put the oven... | tried to warm a pizza, smoked out my entire apartment. | almost setting my apartment on fire. |
9 | 19 | 0.86 | 9 | my first post on reddit and it's in tifu. figures.
so this actually happened yesterday, but since it was less than 24 hours ago i figured it still counts.
i left my apartment to go pick up my kid and do some shopping for a sick friend. as i was pulling out of my complex, i realized that i forgotten my phone. se... | shut the locked door (that i thought was unlocked) with keys in the ignition and car running, waited 90 minutes to get it unlocked. | locking my keys in my car... while it was running. |
14 | 6 | 0.75 | 14 | this was on australia day but that wasn't long ago. we are drinking to celebrate our overtaking of this great southern land and we are in the pool (awesome in ground one, 2 metres deep). i invent a new drinking game where you take your bottle of beer, hold it in your mouth and have to swim underwater to the other side ... | invented a game where you swim underwater with your beer. drank some pool water, liquid shit all night. | inventing a drinking game called "the snorkel" |
130 | 29 | 0.92 | 130 | (long but worth a read)
so i'm in grade 12 chemistry class and as a part of our final independent study project (isu) each of us was to choose a pre-designed experiment that was deemed a 'magic trick' and perform it for a class of grade 9 students. my magic trick was called methane bubbles. link to an example for thos... | my chem experiment gone wrong breaks the ceiling, evacuates school in -20 c weather, floods several rooms and the library and sends 2 people to the hospital during lunchbreak (worth read for the story behind it) | sort of/almost setting my high school on fire. |
3 | 2 | 0.64 | 3 | (took place last week)
i went over to the suite of my good friend/occasional hookup partner to pick up a book i had lent her. she wasn't there and i really had to shit so i used the bathroom in her suite. naturally i played a few turns in words with friends while i pooped.
i stood up to wipe and put my phone on the... | ; i drowned my phone in shitwater and threw it on a poor girl's bed. | playing words with friends |
23 | 14 | 0.86 | 23 | i was golfing, and a fat heard of mallards were relaxing by the green about 176 yards out. i have played this hole many times before, and am pretty confident i can hit the green. 'thwack' i send the ball off, my hands hurt from a slight vibration, which means my ball wasn't going where i wanted it to. all of a sudden i... | today i hit a mallard with a golf ball from about 160 yards out, causing it to pass out in the water and die amongst a huge group of other ducks. | killing a mallard. |
6 | 8 | 0.75 | 6 | there are a few main people in this story; me, james, and xavier, austin, brian, and zack
the story of october 19th:
(tl;dr at the end)
it all started out six months ago with my group of friends at my school on a monday morning. the whole group was there (the names listed above) and james had just gotten to school. ... | me and my friends made an inside joke about our friend shooting up the school, someone overheard, told the police, and my friend is still being charged with two felonies. | making a joke with my friends |
27 | 12 | 0.77 | 27 | long read but multiple fuck ups.
so i get asked to bartend this wedding with a friend. i think fuck it and say yeah me and my best bud will do it. my friend says, "yeah i've bartended at a wedding before it's great you can get drunk with everyone and everyone loves it". my friend is my best mate, and brings the super ... | ** got trashed while getting paid at a wedding for some religious people, ruined my dad's shirt, stole shit and then sent a picture to the chick organising it about the whole ordeal. | getting drunk at a super religious wedding |
1,033 | 187 | 0.91 | 1,033 | so i'm at the office going on a usual mid week coffee bender which usually consists of three cups before lunch. i take my lunch break and have a smoke after. for those that don't smoke, drink coffee, or both, the coffee is the primer and the cig pulls the plug. so i go upstairs to the 26th floor where i work and head f... | thought my butt hole could be pluged like putting your thumb over a tiny hole in a garden hose. | pooping in my hand at the office |
26 | 7 | 0.74 | 26 | just a little background information first to get it out of the way. my boyfriend and i see each other once a week if we're lucky so when we do we usually get down to some dirty business after getting food and wandering around, stuff like that. i'm an eighteen year old female and he is a nineteen year old male, both l... | had accidental threesome with boyfriend's grandpa. | having sex. |
15 | 6 | 0.83 | 15 | one fine summer day 20 years ago my best friend & i decided to go to the mall. i was 13, it was the early 90's & so i decided to wear a [cropped shirt](http://img0.etsystatic.com/001/1/6387571/il_fullxfull.363369264_jqz8.jpg) sans bra since, well, i was not really in need of one yet. (it was also arizona in the summer ... | wore tiny shirt on a new ride & flashed a bunch of strangers. | going on a new amusement ride. |
38 | 8 | 0.9 | 38 | i am near sighted, and i can only recognize things by shape and color when i don't have my glasses on. my eyes were pretty dry this morning, so i went to put a few eye drops in. i had forgotten that i had an ear wax dissolvent bottle that looked exactly the same shape and size of my eye drop bottle. i thought i had my ... | don't put ear wax dissolvent in your eye | putting ear wax dissolvent in one of my eyes |
110 | 18 | 0.9 | 110 | so i work as an intern at a bank and on fridays most people go home early. well last friday my boss and i were practically the only ones in the still in the office after lunch so she allowed my to go home early, but offered to pay me for a full day. i've never been paid for not working before so i was stoked. i finishe... | apparently my boss was doing me a solid that she could get in trouble for and i went and told on her (by accident). | getting my boss in trouble with the people who write both out paychecks |
1 | 1 | 0.57 | 1 | *spoiler: there's no shit in this story*
so for a bit of context here. i live in missouri, in the us. i'm a guy in my late 20s and i work 3rd shift.
i was meeting my friend so we could watch a movie at her place. she was just getting off work, and i was about 10 min early to her place. but i didn't want to just ... | i hit a stationary object and fucked up my car, because i was 10 min early to a friend's house** | being early |
8 | 4 | 0.66 | 8 | just a normal day, at my friends house trying to take a shit. so i go to the bathroom, to take my shit, because that's where i usually take my shits. get into the usual position, take out my phone with my left hand and hold my dick down with my right so i can piss in the toilet. yea you guys know how it works. as i'... | pissed on myself because it was too damn hot in this house. | not being ambidextrous |
0 | 2 | 0.5 | 0 | little bit of background: winter 2013 college semester i started to fall for this girl that i meet through a mutual friend. fast forward to a week after school gets out, she goes home for the summer and i start working third shift, gotta make the money, so she breaks up with me. a week later she starts going out with h... | ex-gf used me as a place holder, shit on my heart, hung out with me yesterday, and stuck in my head today when i could have done something with hotgurl. | talking to a girl |
62 | 26 | 0.81 | 62 | okay, first of all this an old story and i just thought this would be the perfect place to tell it. this happened in high school, as everything does.
so i used to take the school bus home from school, and the bus ride was the best part of the day, because me and my friends were always up to something stupid, there are... | put a sign that said 'bomb on bus' on the back window of my school bus, and a crazy white bitch followed me to my stop to save the day. | making a terrorist threat |
31 | 6 | 0.87 | 31 | so today was my first day at work. i was told to be there at 8:00am. naturally, i didn't want to fuck up and be late, so i went to bed early and got some sleep so i can get up at 6:50am and get there earlier. you know, just in case something happens.
i wake up at 6:50 this morning, i take a nice hot shower and get re... | daylight savings time is fucking retarded.** | on my first day at work |
22 | 4 | 0.77 | 22 | so my friends and i went to venice beach and we all got fairly high. i have a lowest tolerance of all my smoking buddies, so when we were finished, they were all good, but i was feeling quite dizzy. as we were leaving, i started feeling worse and worse in the car ride and i felt as if my skin was melting and the car wa... | threw up while on the freeway with the window open, only to have it come back into the car and go into my friend's mouth. | throwing up in my friend's mouth. |
16 | 10 | 0.81 | 16 | yesterday was canadian thanksgiving, and instead of having the usual beaver drizzled in maple syrup (kidding) i ate a traditional meal with a bit of a twist. instead of turkey we had raw chunks of prime beef with a pasty sauce comprised of dried hot peppers and whisky. the good whisky.
anyways, turns out my stomach ca... | got sick trying to eat raw meat, sprayed nearly a tenth of my square footage with watery orangish-yellow fluids. | drinking a glass of water, and using it to pressure wash my house with orange fluid. |
17 | 4 | 0.76 | 17 | for context, i'm 5' 6-1/2" and 143 pounds (just got measured).
my company does a health risk assessment to give people incentives to be healthy. they take your height, weight, blood draw, etc. and if you are healthy you get money off of your premiums each month.
so mine was today. i did everything well and fasted bef... | going to melt a toilet later with red-hot magma shits | celebrating my health risk assessment with 2 panchero's burritos |
83 | 18 | 0.92 | 83 | my worst nightmare has come true. i papercut my eye with about 15 pages of paper. i got to an optometrist right away, and was able to take [a picture of a picture they took](http://i.imgur.com/dgkegv4.jpg). the yellowy bit is the damaged area. a papercut to the eye, particularly of this magnitude, hurts at least as muc... | good idea: do work. bad idea: unwittingly papercut your eye. | papercutting my eye |
49 | 6 | 0.89 | 49 | today, a lot of my extended family was over for thanksgiving dinner. i spent my summer working in kenya and i haven't seen a lot of family since i've been back, so i decided to grab my laptop and show them some of my photos. what i had forgotten was that last night i fell asleep after watching some porn and i hadn't ... | four generations of family members feeling awkward because i didn't close my porn pop-ups. | not closing my porn pop-ups. |
23 | 19 | 0.89 | 23 | biggest scare of my life, i almost died today.
i have been training at work as an electrical/electronics technician. i got burned on my hand today at work during a factory shut down from an arc flash made up of 480 volts of electricity and i don't know how many amps (i know it's a lot though, because it was the mai... | big bang, little boo boo. | almost getting electrocuted at work and dying. |
291 | 84 | 0.96 | 291 | this is probably the stupidest thing i think i have ever done. at least i feel like it.
a little background, i had a great weekend which didn't include a lot of sleep, so that is a factor. i also drive a standard (stick), which will also come into play.
anyways, going into work this morning and stopping at 7-11 for a... | didn't leave my car in gear when i went to get coffee, car rolled into the road, but caused no major damage other than my pride. | "why is my car traveling across traffic while i'm getting coffee"? |
23 | 30 | 0.79 | 23 | so my family and i went out for dinner as my mum and younger sister had just come back off holiday. i wanted something a little different than my usual gammon and chips, and i didn't have long to order so i just chose a simple burger and chips. (what can go wrong?!) well the food came and it was very nice. we paid and ... | i shat myself whilst i was naked and it sprayed all over my bathroom. | ordering a burger in the restaurant, instead of my usual gammon and chips. |
6 | 3 | 0.69 | 6 | earlier today i left a pepsi in the freezer to cool off. i felt like drinking it later so i didn't think to move it to the fridge before i went to sleep. i just woke up about an hour ago and was ridiculously warm. i decided i'd go drink that pepsi of mine. the moment i touched it, it instantaneously froze. i didn't thi... | today i fucked up by opening a frozen pepsi. | leaving pepsi in the freezer for a few hours. |
20 | 24 | 0.8 | 20 | it's 4 in the morning and i'm holding a piece of toilet paper to my balls. *why?* you ask? i'll tell ya why. around 3 in the morning, i get this bright idea, "if i shaved my balls, i wouldn't ever have to deal with it's nuisance again." and with that, i set off to my bathroom to shave my balls.
razor? check. scissors... | shave down, easy but prickly. shave up, smooth but bloody. | shaving my balls. |
7 | 1 | 0.79 | 7 | this wasn't too recent so forgive me, but i figure it's embarrassing enough to share.
so it's 8am and it's the big spanish final i'd been cramming for; i figured i'd do pretty well after all the time i spent studying. so i get there, tired as hell, get seated and wait for the test. there's a delay, so i'm sitting the... | fell asleep during an exam and woke up realizing i had a very visible erection that was probably seen by many people. at least i passed. :) | falling asleep in spanish |
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 | people of tifu, i hit a damn barn.
at work i was pulling an old flat-bed work truck from one of our fleet-customers, out of our shop. it was in for some maintenance work before the plowing season this winter. i backed it out of the garage bay, put it back in drive, started turning to squeeze it between the shop and t... | ; clipped a barn at work, was to embarrassed to tell anyone. boss heard it happen, might fire me. | hitting a barn. |
31 | 5 | 0.84 | 31 | i'm a student web developer and my boss was put in charge of creating a system to track incoming students for one of the colleges in my university that would enable student recruiters to more effectively reach out to students.
this quickly became exclusively my job, and has become more and more complex as time has gon... | **: anyone with a phone number in a system i built for a college at the university i go to is getting a call tonight congratulating them on their acceptance, accepted or not, because i forgot 6 lines of code. | causing non-accepted students to receive acceptance calls |
10 | 6 | 0.77 | 10 | i'm not trying to outdo any of the other tifu stories here, but this just happened to me five minutes ago.
i don't know about anyone else, but occasionally, i get huge... er.. zits inbetween my legs, not at my crotch, but on my inner thighs. sometimes these things get massive, like to the point that i'm worried i'll h... | tried to pop a crotch zit, became the fourth stooge. | trying to sit down. |
0 | 6 | 0.43 | 0 | let me just start off my saying i work very hard for any money that comes my way. i babysit up to 6 kids at any time, watching 2 children full time. i am severely underpaid though. i get maybe 20 dollars every few weeks, no matter how often i babysit. (thanks mom) it's incredibly frustrating to try to save up for thing... | i gifted some random person 70 dollars worth of clothing, which i worked very hard to be able to afford. crying. | letting paypal auto fill my info |
0 | 10 | 0.3 | 0 | so this happened a couple of hours before. we (me and my family) are on a cemetery (in my country we go there if its nov.1). so we are having fun, like joking etc. at the same time, this youngest son of my cousin is very hypertensive, like run here, run there, play here, and play there. at that time there are so many p... | we are having fun, tried to made a joke to my cousin that our nephew is still missing, she found out, yelled and crying while scolding us whom literally focused to me, cursed at her brother who laugh mildly. she got scolded by the mother because the way she is acting. and i'm sweating like a pig. and everyone is blamin... | fooling around |
464 | 166 | 0.88 | 464 | so i'll start by saying i'm totally straight. me and my dad usually have political arguments. daily actually. well often it gets down to views on human rights. gay marriage. well when it gets down to this i usually flip shit. i admit, i get out of control but he literally says shit like, "well if we let the gays marry,... | tried to defend gays to conservative dad, told him i was gay. | telling my conservitive father i'm gay. |
13 | 2 | 0.78 | 13 | this happened yesterday afternoon. i got up after only about 3 hours of sleep, feeling rather shitty. my wife and brother-in-law were prepping the house for the halloween party we had planned, and i was tasked with making the sweet tea. nothing to difficult, as i'm the designated sweet tea brewer most of the time. i se... | i poured hot tea into a giant cracked glass dispenser, broke the bottom off when i tried to move it and flooded my kitchen and soaked my pants in said tea. | pouring boiling hot tea into a cracked glass container |
76 | 40 | 0.8 | 76 | earlier today, i was playing pokemon x in my room when my big brother comes in and starts to trash talk my pokemon team. he was just joking, and we got to joke-trash-talking each other.
we started wrestling. well, during the fight, i accidentally kneed him…. really, really hard… right in his… berries. o__o he spent th... | accidentally hit my big bro in his no-nos, and now i live in fear of retaliation. scariest halloween ever. | now my vagina is worried |
0 | 7 | 0.31 | 0 | so basically. it's new years. yay! i went out for the first time. i'm 20 and my folks let me go to my friend's house party which ended up being a total disaster due to someone inviting high school kids. okay so after new years i'm looking for poon meanwhile carefully making sure i don't go near jailbait. i finally foun... | i fucked up my first day of 2013 by making some girl think i'm a creep rapist. | so i'm at a friend's new years party |
7 | 7 | 0.67 | 7 | so, let's go back in time, back when little ol' me was about six years old. ..
it was near midnight and the house was quiet, save for the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the hallway. i was waddling my way into the bathroom; i think i had too much to drink at dinner, and now my juice had come to pass.
so i pushed open ... | a toilet seat smashed my dick when i was six.** | taking a nighttime piss. |
52 | 16 | 0.87 | 52 | i used some of [this](http://www.amazon.com/unknown-daves-insanity-sauce/dp/b0007wuoum/ref=sr_1_4?ie=utf8&qid=1372962972&sr=8-4&keywords=dave%27s+insanity+sauce) stuff to give my tuna sandwich a little bit of a kick around an hour ago. come time for a trip to the bathroom prior to leaving for my shift, i discover that... | hot-sauce that can be used to strip the wax off your floors should be kept away from genitalia at all times. | getting dave's insanity sauce in my dick. |
11 | 4 | 0.69 | 11 | so, i decided it was time to wash the sheets. i have dryer issues so by the time i was ready for bed i was still sheetless. i went downstairs to a closet where i keep a bunch of climbing gear and military gear and pulled an old sheet out of the bottom of the pile of shit that is that closet. yeah, the sheet seemed kind... | that's how you get ants.**** | sleeping with multiple partners and they were all biters. |
97 | 24 | 0.92 | 97 | i know its not puking, shitting, or fucking my best friends sister, but damn it, its like someones sister raped me while shitting on my oatmeal.
i just got a job after basically being homeless for a bit, and bumming around living with my girlfriend's parent, i got a job working for an awesome company. they have a 401k... | 50% of first paycheck is waiting for me when i retire. i need to go stir my ramen.** | trying to plan for the future |
2 | 2 | 0.5 | 2 | i work midnights at a gas station so i'm the only one there on most nights. meaning i cannot afford to be late or the person i'm replacing not only gets pissed off but can risk going over on hours (god forbidden the damn place pays them an extra dollar for not clocking out on time). while getting ready with about 10min... | didn't take a shit before work and manager's daughter came into store while i was shitting. made hugeass deal over waiting 5 minutes. | not wanting to be late for work. |
0 | 1 | 0.29 | 0 | ok, so i get this friend request in the mail for one of those odd social networks with weird names with double letters in unusual places. usually, i just ignore those, but this one was perfectly translated in my mother tongue which is not terribly common, so i got intrigued and clicked on a link...
so, signup, blahb... | one should know better after 20 years on the internetz, not to click on every shit.** | spamming my complete addressbook with friend requests for an odd social network |
212 | 32 | 0.88 | 212 | i'm a blogger and associate editor for one of the big lgbt politics & culture blogs. yesterday i published a post about the hashtag #fuckcispeople trending on twitter, and it ended up being the last post of the day.
now, our style guide says that we don't use "fuck" or "cunt" as the subject of posts, but i figured th... | published a post at the end of the day with "fuck" in the title and landed our daily digest in everyone's spam boxes for the foreseeable future.** | cost the blog i write for %67 of its traffic |
36 | 3 | 0.9 | 36 | so i was there having an afternoon stroke, i finished up the job nicely as i've been away on holiday for 2 weeks the payload as to be expected was a lot larger than normal. so i finish up when all of a sudden i hear my mum coming upstairs so i quickly pull on my trousers and cover up in time she says someones at the do... | : my mum and friend saw my jizz patch in my jeans | answering the door |
534 | 137 | 0.88 | 534 | i know this sub has a lot of poop stories, but fuck it, here's one more. also, fuck throwaways.
so i haven't been eating properly for the past few days. you know, lots of fast food, lots of meat and potatoes, not much green vegetables. i usually poop very day, and recently, it's been getting increasingly difficult to ... | allowed myself to become terribly constipated. ended up lubing my fingers up with soap, sticking them up my butt, and pulling the shit out. never again. | letting myself get constipated |
135 | 59 | 0.81 | 135 | i love sunny d. it's sweeter than orange juice and reminds me of being a younger child. i decided to pick some up from the store, and i proceeded to drink it all in that day. (but not at one time)
shortly after, i got awful stomach pains after i finished the jug and proceeded to throw up.
i love sunny d soo much, tha... | ** i love sunny d, but it's bad. | drinking sunny d. |
77 | 20 | 0.86 | 77 | i had just moved house to a lovely close knit neighbourhood and naturally had about a million boxes of crap to sort through. this morning i woke up, threw on my fluffy pink dressing gown and continued like i had done for the past few days, just sorting through junk from my old house. in one of the boxes though i stumbl... | found some old darth vadar roller skates, wore them, neighbour caught me roller skating away from him in deep shame. | getting nostalgic. |
3 | 6 | 0.56 | 3 | it's friday evening and i'm stuck in school in drama boosters. having finished my work i was re-reading some attack on titan manga while everyone got on with their work. since we were working in a different room that was adjacent to our normal room, you could just about see that the lights were on. my teacher questione... | i'm a major cockblock. | offering to turn off the lights |
338 | 144 | 0.92 | 338 | thanksgiving at the in-laws'. kids were playing hide and seek. i stepped into the closet and stripped down to my bra to change my shirt for dinner.
when i left the closet, the kids were still looking for 16 year old nephew. found him in the closet that i was just in.
edit: we are related by marriage, not blood. | i flashed my nephew. | changing my top in a closet where my 16 year old nephew was hiding. |
12 | 4 | 0.81 | 12 | it's still thanksgiving in the us.
but now i've woken up from something shameful. i'm studying abroad, and yesterday (thanksgiving) our abroad group had no classes and a group potluck feast. i got up bright and early to start preparing, also started drinking. long story short, i passed out two hours before the feast a... | drank too early, too quickly, arrived two and a half hours late to school sponsored thanksgiving, sauced and sour, with half a tray of green beans and a bottle of sake. | getting drunk on thanksgiving |
1,072 | 347 | 0.91 | 1,072 | it's a bit of a long story, but bear with me.
this thanksgiving, after my sister's persuasion, i decided to go to her family's house, since everyone else was going to be going there. i would be there all week, and i didn't want to leave my pet hamster, buddy, alone for the holidays, so i brought him with me all the w... | my niece threw my hamster into the microwave and caused him to explode. | trusting a three year old with my hamster. |
37 | 21 | 0.91 | 37 | so today i decided for the first time to try to shave my pubic hair. i hadn't shaved it before, so the hairs were quite long. i tried going for it with the razor, but it wasn't working too well because the long hairs would get stuck in the blade. i decided to get some scissors and trim down the hairs first.
when i tri... | i was trimming my pubic hair and accidentally cut off a small piece of my scrotum. | accidentally cutting off part of my scrotum with a pair of scissors. [nsfw] |
7 | 4 | 0.81 | 7 | okay to preface, this actually happened a little bit ago, but nonetheless is a great account of the accidents that happen when you work in a warehouse.
so, one day at work i was lugging around my scanner, they are these fat ancient things called geminis. they are overly bulky, probably weighing a bit over a pound. i ... | i used to be a picker like you until i took a gemini to the face. | taking a gemini scanner to the face |
36 | 4 | 0.87 | 36 | so yesterday, i had an essay due for my english class. naturally, i worked on it the morning it was due, emailed the progress to myself and decided to finish it during my class break. so during my class break i head to the computer lab and i'm all inspired to write, i polish my final draft, it's a beautiful analysis of... | didn't properly save a masterpiece, re-wrote it as shit. | deleting my final draft 2 minutes before it was due. |
9 | 17 | 0.72 | 9 | this woman is nearly 40, i'm 18. she's a friend of my boyfriend's family, she drove him to the hospital once when he busted his face open when he was 7. she also happens to work with me. now, i'm sure most of you have seen or heard of that video going around about beyonce being satanist. well, she shared it on face... | made a middle-aged woman with elementary school mental capabilities mad, even though i still have to deal with her on a regular basis. | pissing off a friend of my boyfriend's family |
55 | 10 | 0.89 | 55 | last night i was feeling pretty lazy about dinner so i figured i'd keep it simple and make a sandwich. it wasn't until i was cleaning up the kitchen after eating that i noticed these large mold spots and condensation inside the bag of bread i just used. the bread had an expiration date of about half a month ago.
i ha... | i need to go the grocery store more often** | eating moldy bread |
27 | 6 | 0.8 | 27 | i was at a fast-food place with my friend and there was a guy working the counter. we decided to buy something and try and start a conversation with him, so i got a slushie. (it's one of those places where they give you a cup and you take it to a machine and push the flavor you want and the drink comes out) as i start... | embarrassment, mops, and soggy dignity. | in front of an attractive stranger. |
518 | 189 | 0.93 | 518 | for the past six months i've been plagued by a terrible case of scabies. i have tried everything to get rid of them.. washing everything i own multiple times, the medicine the doctors give you, tea tree oil, neem oil, borax powder on my clothes.. etc, etc. you get it.
so today. the next magic trick to get rid of the l... | tried every remedy for scabies, thought a cayenne pepper bath would kill them off, basically lit my entire body on fire trying to "soak" in the bath. | taking a bath |
24 | 24 | 0.77 | 24 | in need of a change i decided to go from dark brown hair to a light blonde and bright orange colour combo. bleaching went fine albeit damaging to my hair but it'll recover. now comes the orange. not realizing just how concentrated this colour was when i dripped onto my shoulder i thought nothing of it left it for a sec... | i dripped hair dye into a bright orange jizzing dick stain on my shoulder | dying my hair. |
20 | 9 | 0.76 | 20 | i have two roommates where i live and last night one of them wasn't home. me and my other roommate had a few drinks and, wow, what do you know: there's my roommates computer sitting in the corner.
all of us knew what had to be done. log in, mess with facebook. it's a bold move, but we had to see if it would pay off. ... | grandmothers don't like penis enlargement for their grandsons. | making my roommate's 84 year old grandmother cry. |
1,527 | 428 | 0.92 | 1,527 | so i'm on spring break her parents go to her brothers baseball game that's an hour away but take separate cars.
i sneek into her house anyways and we enjoy some alone time for the first time in 2 months. we're good, we're cuddling and the garage door opens.
scrabble to get on clothes success. but no time to get down ... | - i'm beta as fuck when it comes to her parents** | now i'm stuck in my girlfriends closet [help] |
37 | 14 | 0.9 | 37 | okay, this actually happened quite a few years ago, but since i didn't know about tifu back then, i figured i could tell it now.
quick backstory, i have had ibs for most of my life. i have had more emergency stops at fast food restaurants, truck stops, and convenience stores than i count. mercifully, i've only shit ... | shit myself in car, pull over on the side of the road and plaster myself in diapers, cop pulls up and decides this is too weird for him, runs away. | shitting my pants and then a cop shows up |
0 | 7 | 0.44 | 0 | a little back story - my girlfriend and i are both 16 and this is my first major serious relationship. we've been "official" since february 26th and she's met my parents and i've met hers.
so she picks me up from school today and we finished up some math and english homework together. after that my bestfriend and his ... | made out/felt up girlfriend, dad walked in, dad is pissed, privileges stripped, girlfriend is embarrassed and crying. | making my girlfriend cry. |
19 | 4 | 0.92 | 19 | i'm in vacation in california, so as always we bring our surfboards and longboards.
today we were going to trestles, to get to the actual beach you have to hike a paved path(takes about 10 mins). so i bring my long board and ride it down no problem. when we were coming back (uphill) my flip flops keep falling off my ... | i ruined my trip. | riding my longboard without shoes |
1 | 8 | 0.44 | 1 | ok, so this is how i got rid of all computers in my home. we lost our desktop computer to a virus my little bro gave it by trying to get minecrft for free.
after that we had only a laptop to use as a computer. i had been on the laptop, watching youtube videos, when i decided i should make a vine of me eating a panca... | i spilled koolaid on my laptop, it doesn't work, and we don't know what to replace in it. if anyone knows a good place toget a laptop for a low price, please leave a comment | spilling koolaid on my laptop |
257 | 38 | 0.81 | 257 | ok so just got out of class. for the past few classes this 8/10 has sat across the lecture hall from me. i was reading a post on r/4chan, link below, when all of a sudden i realized she sat next to me today. i’m reading this post about anon fucking up with a girl when she comments about him playing pokemon. out of no w... | hot girl approached, didn’t know if real life, just read exact scenario on 4chan and ended up pretty much reenacting it | turning 4chan into real life |
23 | 16 | 0.7 | 23 | dear redditors,
the events that transpired took place on sunday morning but it has taken me this long to deal with the repercussions of said fuck ups. today i break the norm and put the tl;dr first.
i struggle with how to tell about how the events transpired. should i post my original tifu which is scrawled on t... | got wasted in new orleans, picked up by a woman who the police say was probably a hooker oh and, by the way, might also have been a man (fucking gross- no offense to those that swing that way just my own preference) and then got robbed for my trouble. | a woman and subsequently robbed. |
6 | 2 | 0.63 | 6 | so i was very drunk at 3am in town whilst out with some friends. i decided to rip a piece of foam from some scaffolding in the street (was going to use it as some kind of foam sword). the a police officer shouts at me and in my drunken state i thought i was in serious trouble so i ran. i looked behind me and the offic... | - ran from the police for no reason, got clothes lined. | being drunk |
20 | 6 | 0.83 | 20 | i was at a party out at a friend's house. decent sized event; bonfire, beer pong, barbecue, heavy drinking; the type of thing i'd typically avoid like the plague but a buddy of mine and his girlfriend really want to go so i do.
i only knew the friend and the couple that i rode with, and i'm designated driver, so natu... | i lit my face on fire trying to light a cigarette in a campfire and put it out in a kiddy pool. | trying to light a cigarette |
14 | 5 | 0.86 | 14 | from last friday, but whatever: i was out walking along the cliffs near my college campus with a friend of mine, and he broke out this very small pipe (maybe three inches) to smoke some weed. i don't smoke often, but i had nothing to do, so i took a few hits.
the damn pipe shot ash in your mouth every time you took a... | said that *things* could happen to girls walking alone well within earshot of a girl. she turned to look at me and she saw me, tongue out, with my fingers all over it. | insinuating i was about to sexually assault a girl. |
65 | 34 | 0.93 | 65 | i just got home from work, and decided to wash my cares away with a hot, cleansing shower. i felt inclined to listen to music while i showered, but of course i didn't realize this until i had already completely disrobed. alas! my laptop was in the kitchen, and it contained all my tunes. since my roommates were still at... | forgot kitchen blinds were open while reveling in my post-work nudity** | letting the neighbor kids see me naked |
311 | 122 | 0.9 | 311 | here i was, minding my own business, watching the filthiest dirtiest smut i could find, because i'm just classy like that, and i really got more than i bargained for.
it starts off so innocently, as it always does. me sitting here nude, contemplating my next honorable maiden, sifting through the garbage to find my gol... | amateur performer finances the moneyshot and really pays for it | misjudging the force of ejaculate. |
16 | 1 | 0.8 | 16 | i studied my ass off for a test 2 weeks prior, and the day finally came..except that i didn't bring myself a pen and highlighter. i had the materials for the multiple choice but not for the essay that sooner came with it. unfortunately my teacher is one of those people who will chew you out for forgetting your stuff, a... | purposely bombed a test i studied the most for because of forgetting a pen and highlighter. | not bringing my supplies |
22 | 8 | 0.92 | 22 | it was a half day at my school today. i woke up as normal, at 6:30 in the morning. ereyesterday, i had pulled an all nighter, and yesterday, i fell asleep at 2 am. i was pretty tired, but i could deal with it. i was going to just take a nap for a few hours, it was 6:30 in the morning, and i didn't have school until 11:... | failed all of my classes 1st quarter of senior year because i didn't wake up from a nap. | sleeping 10 hours instead of 2. |
32 | 7 | 0.88 | 32 | i'm a us navy sailor, which means i wear a uniform at work. this uniform has a hat (spoken "cover") associated with it, which i am not normally allowed to wear inside. the normal way to keep your cover with you for this uniform is to put it in a cargo pocket at your knee; my current supervisor (who i will just call chi... | i was in a rush to shit, my hat fell into the water before my shit did. | shit on my hat. |
58 | 17 | 0.92 | 58 | in the grand scheme of fuck-ups, this one is relatively minor. but here it is anyway.
reddit, i hate cooking. the fact that we need to eat to survive is something i view as an inconvenience. if science could develop some sort of tablet that provided us with all our needed nutrients and calories i would be a happy camp... | forgot to clean my crock pot, pot filled up with nasty ass mold. | forgetting i used my crock pot. |
0 | 1 | 0.33 | 0 | tifu getting a speeding ticket going 84 in a 70 on my way to school. i fucked up by a. not asking the officer at the scene to write my ticket down b. i fucked up the amount of work i had been doing so i could set aside car payments and gas money for the winter months on top of that i was saving for a nexus 5 because th... | tifu 600+ dollars half of that was a month of car payments for when i work in the winter and the other half was for a nexus 5. | getting a speeding ticket |
16 | 13 | 0.85 | 16 | i decided it would be a great idea to cut up an entire brick of cheese and eat it with chips and salsa on sunday.. worst idea i could have possibly imagined involving cheese... sharp stomach pains, gas, bloating, this is some grade a constipation. best part is i have a speech in the morning, i have this terrible feel... | don't eat huge amounts of cheese, it will create immobile masses of fecal matter that cause problems.. | eating an entire brick of cheese in one day |
34 | 20 | 0.76 | 34 | so i woke up this morning and my phone notified me that ten emails, saying message not delivered. i was kind of confused, but i was more focused on getting ready for the day, so i pretty much forgot about it. around 9 o'clock i got an email asking "is this real or spam?" this was when i remembered about those failed te... | if you got an email from... err sorry. | spamming everyone |
0 | 0 | 0.25 | 0 | we're moving house but can't move directly into our new one. everything has to go into storage and friends houses by monday for a time. doing a look round of everything that can fit in my car in the space left was the brushes and mop. my so has not stopped going on about it. | i'm a house moving idiot | i packed the mop up 3 days before we moved out. |
33 | 2 | 0.76 | 33 | this wasn't today, but i just discovered this sub, so here goes.
back in college, i worked in a shoe store. i'm very helpful and also very annoyed when ignored, which is by far my biggest pet peeve. this middle aged man (ah = asshole) was admiring our fine selection of fashionable footwear and i approach him from behin... | asshole ignores me. i insult. he no can heary. i am asshole.** | openly berating a deaf man. |
13 | 9 | 0.79 | 13 | im a 24 year old female that is lactose intolerant but dairy is my favorite food group. i put cheese on everything and worry about the consequences later.
i'm doing last minute work on the endocrin system for my anatomy and physiology class and i'm not getting far because i'm grossing myself out by browsing the wtf s... | cheese grits gave me the shits. | tifu..... just reset the counter. |
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