ups float32 0 85.2k | num_comments float32 0 4.51k | upvote_ratio float32 0 1 | score float32 0 85.2k | documents stringlengths 3 32k | tldr stringlengths 1 2.32k | title stringlengths 2 289 |
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56 | 13 | 0.88 | 56 | this actually happened yesterday. i drank a healthy amount of water so naturally, i went to use the restroom. let me paint the setting for you... there are two urinals, one enclosed by a wall to the left, a small divider in the middle and one to the right. the divider goes from your torso to your hips... not the whole ... | i was at the urinal, our vp walked in and stood at the urinal next to me, i glanced over out of the corner of my eye and peed all over the floor right in front of his foot. splashes were made and his shoe was wet with urine. | urinating on the vice president of my company's shoe. |
12 | 3 | 0.76 | 12 | so yesterday my friend graduated from college and we had a party to celebrate later that evening. friends and family attended from out of town including grandparents. overall it was pretty normal until it got late and we all started to drink. at around 4-5am in my drunkenness i thought it was a good ideas to get the bo... | got drunk, shot an arrow through grandparents car, no monies to fix :( | bringing a compound bow to a grad party |
67 | 28 | 0.8 | 67 | so this happened about 20 minutes ago i'm literally waiting in the emergency room to see if i can save my nipple. anyways i have my nipples pierced never really had any issues with them until today i showered like always being careful not to catch the jewelry on my loofah and everything was going great until i was get... | sliced nipple open by accident waiting in er to see what the consequences are | slicing my nipple open |
49 | 6 | 0.91 | 49 | as with most of these posts, this was not today, but over last christmas break. to start, i'll give a bit of backstory as to why i was in a hotel.
backstory: over christmas break, my family usually drives about 19 hours to see extended family in another state, we drive because we have two rescue dogs we don't want to ... | went to bathroom at night, tried to be a hero and fix the broken toilet, ended up flooding the entire room and pretty much the whole fucking hotel somehow. | using a hotel bathroom. |
16 | 0 | 0.86 | 16 | this is really a yifu, but as this incident put me straight on the express train to the border of crankytown and dead-tiredville, the write-up had to wait a day.
i am visiting a friend a couple states away this weekend. on my way to see him, i thought i'd stop one state away to do a hike that partially a warmup for wh... | a forest service ranger told me about a shortcut i could take to avoid a rockslide. i didn't really look for his shortcut and wound up bruising my butt cheek and spraining my finger when i fell on the rocks i could've avoided. | not following a forest service ranger's advice, earning a sprain and a bruised butt for my folly |
81 | 58 | 0.88 | 81 | dear reddit,
first off, i'm an alcoholic. it is what it is, i could be worse things, i could be better things. my wife believes she has my drinking "under control" (she's extremely domineering, she runs the house), because she monitors when i drink and how much i drink.
she's not especially knowledgable about the t... | blew up my wife by hiding 190 proof alcohol in a water bottle next to the wok. | hiding grain alcohol in a water bottle |
43 | 7 | 0.93 | 43 | first off this actually happened today. about ten minutes ago in fact so i am typing this with one eye open and the other all fucked off.
anyways to the story. i'm a prep cook in a restaurant and so part of my job is lifting various things like boxes of bacon or a 40 pound block of cheese or the occasional big ass fuc... | tried lifting too much weight pulled a muscle and got cooling spray in my eye. | getting muscle relaxing cooling spray in my eye |
5,474 | 460 | 0.91 | 5,474 | so my mother uses cbd medical patches for her knees and back. she's had multiple surgeries. these patches help her more than the pain pills ever did to be honest. anyways, we were at work, we own a business together. her knees were hurting really bad and she had forgotten her pain pills; she doesn't like using the patc... | accidentally gave mom a thc patch instead of a cbd patch. accidentally got mom high. | accidentally giving my mom a thc medical patch instead of a cbd medical patch. |
21 | 6 | 0.75 | 21 | obligatory "this happened a while back." about five years ago.
so i was living with my sister and her husband for a few months, and when they would both go to work i would be at home with the dog. so after playing some wii golf and watching some daytime tv one afternoon, i was bored so i decided to explore the house t... | played wii golf, got bored. explored house, found real golf clubs/balls. decided to putt indoors until i had better ideas, i.e. take a backswing, which broke expensive crystal chandelier. spent weekends picking up dogshit as punishment. | playing golf in the house |
69 | 12 | 0.89 | 69 | so i got a new job as a qa lead at some great startup and today was my first day. because previously i have walked to work due it to being close to my residence, i decided to get a vespa scooter to commute to work (through london) instead of taking the tube. i passed my cbt and i even practiced my route to work over th... | i fell off my vespa on my way to a new job on my very first day and broke my foot. | breaking two bones in my foot in my commute to my first day at a new job |
1,247 | 237 | 0.87 | 1,247 | this fuck-up didn't happen today but 3 years ago, when i was exactly 15 years and 10 months old (this is important).
note: where i live, there is a law that prohibits children/people under 16 to be outside later than 11pm if they are not accompanied by their parent/guardian.
it was 11.30pm on a saturday, i was drinki... | i lied to the police that i was 16 when i was 15 thinking they would arrest me if i told the truth; they arrested me for lying.** | thinking that policemen are all assholes |
3,637 | 244 | 0.92 | 3,637 | obligatory (the last two months)ifu, since i'm an idiot.
so my partner and i run a excursion business in a popular tourist spot. the tours we offer are quite costly, multi-day trips, so not something you book on a whim.
typically, people book/arrange them in winter to do them in summer. so we make about half of our ... | i incorrectly configured our ssl certificate, causing us to drop from top 3 to page 10 in google searches. we lose us upwards of 5000$ in profit before i realise the fuck up. | not correctly configuring our ssl certificate and losing 5000$ in profit. |
89 | 20 | 0.83 | 89 | some background info: this all took place over the course of the last school year when i was 13. i have always done well on state tests (above average) but i don't do my homework, which fucked my grade. all of my past teachers had given me some slack since they knew i knew the material and passed the tests and i always... | acted edgy, gassed the school, got homeschooled, now i don't have any friends. | being an edgelord to make friends. |
54 | 11 | 0.81 | 54 | it was very late at night after a party and i was tasked with getting the car (i'm on my p's) as my parents were slightly intoxicated. everyone was waiting outside the apartment where the evenings festivities had taken place and since there were no parks and it was so late at night, i waited in the middle of the street... | i was impatient, ran over mums foot, ambulance called, police called, everything fine, still feel guilty. | running over my mother (sort of) |
115 | 24 | 0.86 | 115 | first of all, i'd like to assure you that i'm actually smart. i'm a physics student so i generally understand how things work. but sometimes my mind just goes blank and that's what happened here.
now to the fuck-up itself. this weekend i had to go to another town. i was staying in the apartment of some acquaintance of... | tried to use someone else's gas stove with the wall protecting cover down and was very surprised when it exploded. | forgetting how gas stoves work |
19 | 4 | 0.87 | 19 | my wife has always wanted a bloodhound and i found a breeder a few hours away. i contacted her, had some fantastic conversations from the day their dog conceived, throughout the pregnancy and to the day the pups were born. i told her i wanted a boy and my wife and i started planning on a kennel and how we would introdu... | why the fuck isn't rule 11 listed on the rules sticky? oh, and the tl/dr is that tifu by not paying a deposit quickly enough to get a puppy and now my wife is going to cry | not paying a deposit quickly enough |
162 | 16 | 0.92 | 162 | this didnt actually happen today but about 2 weeks ago. in french class we were doing a movie project, and one day during it i had finished translating my lines from english to french, so i asked my french teacher if i could go to the stairwell to record the opening narration for the movie. being the amazing lazy teach... | i go to my schools stairwell to record audio, can't hear a thing, school goes into lockdown, and i make way to the classroom without a clue what is going on and try to jiggle the door, the class thinks i'm the intruder. the school police officer yells at me. | being a threat to my school. |
91 | 37 | 0.92 | 91 | disclaimer: this actually happened a few weeks ago, but i have finally found the time to write it down now. also, towards the end, things get a bit bloody, so be forewarned.
i am currently attending college in my freshman year. most of the year went by well, until a few weeks ago. my college, like many others, has a l... | i was climbing into a steam tunnel at college and the 200 pound cover fell on my head. i get transferred to two different hospitals, one of them by helicopter, (at the exact time i turned a year older), and ended up with a broken skull, seventeen stitches, and a massive forehead scar. | dropping a 200 pound metal grate on my head and getting medical airlifted (on my birthday) |
17 | 3 | 0.8 | 17 | happened about week ago.
essentially a buddy and i were biking on our normal route, the usual. i dunno why but we had a little race of sorts to one of our stopping points (where we rest, drink water and stuff). so of course, he beats me to the spot. now, seeing this, i decided to yell "pancake" as kind of a warning cr... | screamed pancake, got distracted by screaming pancake, nose-butted my friend's shoulder, fucked up my nose. | yelling pancake while on a bike |
69 | 12 | 0.97 | 69 | so some jerk at work cleared their raw mince beef cookery scraps away by forcing them down the kitchen sink’s plug hole.
fast forward 2 days and the meat is now stinking out the kitchen and the sink is not draining. there being no plunger to hand, i poked a straightened clothes hanger through the clogged plug hole whi... | buy a plunger | cleverly treating myself to a putrid meat shower |
96 | 13 | 0.81 | 96 | this happened yesterday, but i didn't realize the consequences until today.
i had to drive 6 hours by myself to pick up my sister. when i got to her house, she wanted to send my mom a picture showing us together (it had been awhile since i had seen my sister).
i wanted to look nice in the pictures, because my mom wou... | my vanity (and flamin' hot cheetos) made me get a 2nd degree burn on my lips. | trying to look nice in a family picture. |
30 | 26 | 0.83 | 30 | please don't make the same mistakes.
my background:
first of all i'm a 19 year old in my last year of high school, i live in croatia in a lower class family. both of my parents are unemployed and haven't worked in years. my mother has severe mental illnesses and my dad is a physical invalid, they are also very old (56... | gambled away all my saving i made this summer. money i should be spending on clothes and food. | gambling away all my money |
4,713 | 383 | 0.93 | 4,713 | tl;dr at bottom.
so, this happened when i was in middle school. our school had a ski club, where we would take buses out to our local ski resort and do some downhill skiing. this was by far the most favorite activity in the winter, and about half the school would go to each event. we would always look foward to friday... | i made half my school wait on hot, cramped buses for over 3 hours because i lost the key to my locker at a ski resort, ended up finding it in my pocket the next day. got the school to cancel the club for the rest of the season and almost got one of my teachers fired. | making half my school wait on hot, crowded buses for over 3 hours |
3,931 | 445 | 0.93 | 3,931 | so, i like to think of myself as a funny guy. i'm sure the majority of the people i've met would completely disagree, but i deserve gold stars for my persistence if nothing else. besides, haters gonna hate.
and just as those haters will hate, so too will airport security take any half-arsed terrorism jokes extremely s... | airport staff made a terrorist joke at me, i returned the joke and now i've missed my flight and am out of pocket and patience** | with airport security |
77 | 37 | 0.97 | 77 | so my older brother was turning 21 two years ago, and i thought it'd be a really nice surprise to buy him a ticket to japan as a present as we hadn't really gone overseas or had an amazing trip to anywhere in the world so i thought it'd be such an amazing experience for him and so i went to our local flight centre to b... | wanted to do something special for older brother by purchasing a plane ticket to japan, only to have it changed and no showed and leaving a hole out of my pocket. | buying my older brother a ticket to japan |
22 | 22 | 0.7 | 22 | actually (as usual) this didn’t happen today but about a year ago when csgo gambling was still a big of a thing... so let’s go.
i was casually gambling on a common csgo gambling site. i deposited some skins and they just wouldn’t show up in my inventory on that site... so i typed in the chat that there’s a problem wit... | dumb me gave all his valuable csgo skins to some random person on the internet after a system failure on a gambling site and lost all of them... $300 in the sink! | getting scammed for nearly 300$ of cs:go skins... |
5,222 | 481 | 0.88 | 5,222 | yup, i'm back. same dude that posted last week after taking a double dose of laxatives the day before a concert after being super constipated, and regretted it the next day.
well, first off, i'm still taking the laxatives (at the doctor's order), but they've stopped working. i have been able to shit a little bit, but ... | couldn't shit, so i took laxatives to make me shit. now i can't shit and can't handle emotions whatsoever. please be careful taking laxatives if you take other medications so you don't accidentally end up suicidal. | thinking my laxatives weren't strong enough part 2: i accidentally became suicidal. |
42 | 29 | 0.77 | 42 | this has only recently occurred to me as a memory of a deed done as a child, that i could only describe as the most horrible thing i'd ever done.
we were living in london at the time, and being part of a large family, we had certain chores we did on a rotation. one night, after a sumptuous feast of my mothers arroz c... | scrubbed a cast iron pot way too hard, and destroyed a family heirloom in the process. | being a bit too enthusiastic about scrubbing the pots and pans |
118 | 18 | 0.93 | 118 | (oblig: didn’t happen today, but last weekend)
let me first set the scene here, these are mostly relevant details, i promise. last saturday my two roommates and i hosted a friends thanksgiving, or “friendsgiving” at our house. it was pretty fun, we drank beer, played games, ate hella food and bullshitted (bullshat?) w... | i got high while watching saw, got spooked and blew chunks all over the bathroom floor | watching a horror movie on drugs. |
58 | 24 | 0.84 | 58 | obligatory, was not today but summer of 2015.
i had a [g-tube](https://www.google.com/search?q=g+tube&rlz=1c5chfa_enus707us707&oq=g+tube&aqs=chrome.0.69i59j69i60l3j0l2.794j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=utf-8) in my stomach because i dealt with dysphasia and couldn't eat by mouth. i had been online looking for cheap and easy... | i poured nutmeg down my feeding tube and it got clogged for a few hours until i had to go the er to get a new one and be judged by the er staff. | trying to get high with nutmug |
48 | 10 | 0.89 | 48 | this is probably the stupidest way to hurt yourself, but here goes: i was playing the drums at a group drumming session (not using a drum kit because it's chinese drums) with a few members of the team, and the sticks for the drums are imported from taiwan. i don't know what kind of wood they use for those drumsticks, b... | drumstick bounced off the drum off a stroke and ripped open an old injury on my chin. blood dripped from my chin without even knowing it. not fit for public display. | drumming too hard (nsfw) |
37 | 19 | 0.9 | 37 | i’m a premed swashbuckler with a degree in biology. recently, about october 9, i received a job offer as a medical scribe from a company (scribekick) in a city about 4 hours from where i lived.
they were rather excited, and presented a start-date just about a week and a half away, meaning i would have to hustle to ge... | i thought i had a job, moved & signed a lease only for the job to get canceled, leaving me stranded. | moving to a new city for a job |
158 | 45 | 0.96 | 158 | this happened a few weeks ago but i kept forgetting to post the tale on a weekend when bodily fluids are allowed!
during my morning pee i was feeling pretty congested and grabbed some tissue to multi-task. initially i felt a bit of pressure and an uncomfortable sensation from my lady bits, uncomfortable might be a dow... | blew my nose while peeing, tore something in my urethra and learned that women shouldn't blow their nose while peeing. | blowing my nose while peeing and basically tearing my urethra. |
55 | 22 | 0.85 | 55 | so my boyfriend, his friend and i went to amsterdam for a couple of days. i'm european and have been there before, they haven't. they've tried weed before, i have never.
so i feel like it's time to try some. we go to a coffee shop (in amsterdam, weed is legal in these places called coffee shops) that's got a pretty ho... | got high at the airport, threw up on the floor, made me and my bf miss the flight. | getting high for the first time at the airport |
105 | 18 | 0.94 | 105 | this happened back in middle school.
my family was poor, and as such i qualified for the reduced meal program. this meant i got breakfast/lunch for just a quarter. which was pretty cool as it was far better than anything my mom would have sent me for lunch.
well somewhere mid year there was about a week stretch where... | forgot my quarter for lunch at school for a week everyone thought i was anorexic and made a big stink about it | forgetting my quarter for lunch |
96 | 64 | 0.92 | 96 | my girlfriend told me she has no hair beneath her eyebrows, and that she would prefer a clean shaven guy. (at least around the groin for sure)
now i shave my face daily, so i figured i could tame the jungle with ease. however that has proven to be untrue. i took a pair of regular scissors cut the majority off no probl... | girlfriend prefers clean shaven groin. i try to shave my bush for the first time in my life. balls so itchy i want to scratch them with a cheese grater. | trying to shave my pubes for the first time |
726 | 110 | 0.91 | 726 | today at work i accidentally crashed a row of shopping carts through a 5 foot tall 4 and 1/2 foot wide window. subsequently about 150lbs of glass came crashing down onto a full pallet a bottle of water cutting open at least 11 of the cases, resulting in the world's biggest workplace hazard of glass and water on a tile ... | today i broke a window that costs more then i make in 3 weeks time and i'm pretty sure they're going to fire me tomorrow. | breaking a $900 window with a shopping cart. |
26 | 5 | 0.77 | 26 | so as u can tell from the title it didn't happen today. it was valentine's of this year and me and my new girlfriend wanted to stay home for the evening. i told her to come mine and i'll cook dinner, get some wine, watch tv etc.
everything was going great, we had music on, i was getting ingredients ready on the count... | i invited over new girlfriend for dinner to spend our first valentine's. i tried to show off knife skills and i cut my finger open and couldn't get it to stop bleeding. | slicing open my finger on first valentines with my new girlfriend |
15 | 11 | 0.81 | 15 | this did actually happen today. it started after i came home late from work due to dealing with a particularly picky customer so i was in a rush to get back to meet the girl that was coming over. i needed to get a couple loads of washing done before tomorrow but because i was held back at work i only had time to do one... | in a rush i mixed my colours in the wash and ended up with pink underwear which a girl i was having over saw and now thinks i’m a little too camp for her, so i won’t be seeing her again. in my rush i also left coins in a pocket which broke my machine. i’m listening to everything my mother has to say in future | not listening to my mother |
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