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Say something naughty | Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?
I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. |
Crack a dirty joke | I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'... |
Tell me a joke with innuendo please | Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because its full of Arab semen. |
Tell me a not-for-kids joke please | A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it...
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder ... |
Give me a joke that's a little bit naughty and bold | Sex Statistics on a Plane.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statis... |
Give me a joke that's a little bit racy | A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...
The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.
"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will ... |
Say something naughty please | Measurements
A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measur... |
Just a little dirty humor | A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!"
The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.
The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?"
The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg." |
Say something explicit please | An Engineer Goes to Hell
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and ... |
Share a cheeky joke | How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She chews before she swallows. |
Let's hear an R-rated joke please | Three types of boobs
A family was at the dinner table.
The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??
Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs"
"In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm."
"In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still n... |
What's your dirtiest joke? | 3 nuns die and go to heaven...
They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis?
The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers.
Dip your fingers into the holy water and... |
Say a naughty joke right now please | A nurse walks up to the Doctor
The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen |
Got any R-rated humor please? | Twin sisters just turned 100 years old
Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the ... |
I want a dirty joke please | What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?
Audi... |
Tell a sexy joke | An interviewer asks a shepard
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones?
Interviewer: Brown ones.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black ones?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do... |
A joke with spice | Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around ... |
Share a joke that's a little bit inappropriate | Math class
Teacher asks Johnny:
"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"
"An orgy?"
Edited: names spelling, grammar. |
What's your spiciest joke please? | A monkey is getting stoned in a tree..
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey
"Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.
Aft... |
Say something naughty and funny | I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"
I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her |
Share a joke that's a little off-color | A man drove his car into a tree.
He found out how a Mercedes bends. |
Share a joke that's a little bit inappropriate | Pass the dam fish!
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes th... |
Share an indecent joke | A dick has a sad life if you think about it
His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly. |
Just a little dirty humor | The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or
Hillary Clinton. |
Let's get a bit inappropriate | Never swallow scrabble tiles...
That shit could spell disaster |
Make me blush with a joke please | A woman gets a new number
She sends a text message to her husband.
W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight"
M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife" |
Tell me an R-rated joke please | A woman was getting out of the shower
As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well tha... |
Go raunchy please | A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....
An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're go... |
Tell a sexy joke please | The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!
The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit. |
Please tell me a dirty joke | An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, ... |
Give me a joke that's a little grown-up | What's black and eats pussy?
Cervical cancer. |
Let's make it spicy | So I was jogging around the track at the gym and this really hot Latina chick passed me. I gave her a friendly wave and said "hola."
However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once m... |
Share your most inappropriate joke | I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo.
What the hellman! |
Let's get inappropriate | What's the smallest organ in a goat?
An ISIS members' dick. |
Adult joke time please | A Man Escapes From Prison
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes int... |
Let's go dirty | Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt.
Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks. |
Let's go dirty please | I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...
Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy. |
Give me a lewd joke please | I have this theory about the origin of orgies.
It all started with a big bang! |
Give me a joke that's a little bit obscene | A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church...
The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then c... |
What's your spiciest joke please? | A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole
He cries into it: "Fuck you bitch!"
Then echo replies: "Bitch you fuck!"
A bit puzzled, he cries again: "Bitch you fuck!"
And a second later, he hears: "Fuck you bitch!"
Even more puzzled, he cries inside: "Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!"
The manhole replies: "Fuck ... |
I'm ready for a dirty joke | Sex with three people is called a threesome.
Sex with two people is called a twosome.
That is why they call me handsome. |
Share something adult please | I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...
I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit |
A joke with spice please | Breaking News:
As if it isnt broken fucking enough |
Say a joke with edge | A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and.....
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I ca... |
Got an adult joke? | What did one muffin say to the other?
'Whew! It's hot in this oven!'
How did the other muffin reply?
'Holy shit! A talking muffin!'
Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit. |
Give me something naughty | A woman is at home when she hears someone......
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he as... |
Tell me a joke that's a little spicy | A British guy, a Frenchman and a Russian were in a bar debating
whether Adam and Eve were British, French, or Russian.
The British guy says, " Obviously they were both British, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true British manners".
French guy says: "Non, non, monsieur th... |
Share a joke that's a little R-rated | I have the most boring job of all...
I run an oil drill rig. |
Tell me a joke that's a little bit naughty and racy | Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....
My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband. |
Give me a lewd joke please | What's the difference between tired and exhausted?
When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted. |
Spicy humor | Caught my penis cheating on my wife today.
Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson. |
Say something naughty please | It must suck to have your period on valentines day
But an even bigger pain in the ass. |
Let's hear a joke with some heat | A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a cal... |
Tell me a joke that's a bit explicit | what is blue and has 27 tits?
the trashbag at a cancer clinic. |
What's your spiciest joke please? | An American man goes on a business trip to Japan.
And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having sex and the lady keeps saying, "O... |
Share a joke that's a little bit naughty and racy | Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?
To keep his nuts dry |
Spicy joke | Lost my job today...
Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit |
Tell me a joke that's a little bit suggestive | Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with
Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin. |
Tell me a joke that's not safe for work | A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed
After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide.
So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. ... |
Tell me something naughty | An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening....
"Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?"
He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..."
Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well.... |
Go ahead tell me a dirty joke please | A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.
The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit.
Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A litt... |
Let's make it spicy | What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in. |
A filthy laugh please | The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches
An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.
"Hey, Luigi!"
An Italian looks up and says
"Yeah?"
BANG
After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for ... |
Share a saucy joke | My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river.
I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad. |
Whisper a dirty joke | Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut...
But if a guy does it he's gay? |
Share an inappropriate joke | The Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food... |
Share a joke that's a bit explicit | Are my testicles black? "NSFW"
ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replie... |
Share a joke that's a little bit saucy | I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off.
But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars. |
Hit me with a dirty joke please | "Honey, I think I'm ugly...."
So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:
"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!" |
Share an indecent joke | A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog
They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.
Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.
Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog doe... |
Share a joke that's NSFW please | She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.
A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.
For a... |
Share a grown-up joke | Grasshopper
Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the gr... |
I want a dirty joke | How do you know?
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.
“Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant an... |
What's your dirtiest joke please? | A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific.
A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. ... |
Let's hear a joke with some edge | I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob.
She's a sucker for love. |
Give me a joke that's a little spicy | Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store.
They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it ... |
Share a bold joke | Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers
Will make your car look fucking stupid |
Tell me a provocative joke | So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...
God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."
Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hour... |
Tell me something NSFW please | A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*ki... |
Share a joke that's NSFW please | A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy.
On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the second. "God, I missed!" yells the nun. "Now, now, sister," the... |
Share something adult | We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.
He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.
Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending... |
Give me a joke that's a little bit naughty and daring | I masturbate with soap
Just thought I should come clean |
Got anything raunchy? | I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age
A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old" |
Say something vulgar and funny please | What's my idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging |
Tell me a joke that's a little bit naughty and bold | A boy asks the ice cream truck man.
boy : "Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?"
man : " sorry, no I don't"
the boy says " ok" then walks away.
the next day the boy comes again " do you have onion flavored ice cream ? " asks the boy again.
the man replies " sorry, I don't have any"
the boy walks away but also ... |
Give me a dirty joke | My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.
Isn't that humorous? |
A filthy laugh please | What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident?
A rektangle |
Tell me something NSFW please | What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick. |
Say something naughty please | Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?
Because he hates it raw. |
Say something vulgar and funny | "Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit" |
Say a joke with edge | Anybody here have sex while camping?
It's fucking intense. |
Make it a naughty one | 3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter
Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter.
First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I st... |
Tell me a joke that's a little spicy | A blind guy walks into a bar...
A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar.
After a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter.
Several terri... |
Just one dirty joke | Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple?
The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along. |
Tell me something raunchy | If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey....
Keep it short and sweet. |
NSFW joke time please | Surprise oral will make your day
Surprise anal will make your hole weak |
Whisper a dirty joke please | I used to think I was good in bed.....
Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma. |
Let's get a little filthy | First time grandparents go to visit the new baby
After traveling several hours, enjoying dinner, and meeting the baby, the grandparents decided to spend the night.
The grandparents, being older, had trouble sleeping. The grandfather rolled over, tapped on the grandmother' shoulder, and asked, "would you like to do so... |
Let's go dirty | Blonde car
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't m... |
What's your spiciest joke? | After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
|
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