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{'question': 'What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus', 'response': 'Claustrophobic'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ? When it's a baby elephant ! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Wife says to her hubby “what do you want for dinner”? The hubby says “what's my choices?” The wife says Yes or No. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
What do you call an anticlimactic punchline? "This is an actual question" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?" Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!" I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. | reddit/r/jokes(score=28) |
Think of this election like turning on a racetrack You do have two decisions but it probably won't be right. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There once was a guy from madras Who had balls made of brass in inclement weather, they’d jangle together, And lightning would shoot out his ass... | reddit/r/jokes(score=18) |
{'question': "Pulled this out at a party last night I was with my fiancée and some of her college friends, we all got to stories about how we found our pets. Friend: Well, when we wanted a kitten, the shelter made us bring our beagle in to see if it acted well with cats. To do that, they just walked our dog around in a... | shuttie/dadjokes |
my Doctor told me i have to stop masturbating... ...because he cant concentrate i heard this a few years ago its probably been posted before but its pretty funny so enjoy :) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Got my son's surgeon today pretty good. My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was. I told them, Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him. I got some truly authentic... | shuttie/dadjokes |
You know, dating's hard for me because I do have an insecure attachment style. Does everybody here know what the two like main insecure attachment styles are? Right? There's anxious attachment and then there's- say it with me- The cool one, Because we know that's what people mean when they say they're avoidant, They're... | tiktok_standup |
What is the funniest two legged lizard? The stand-up chameleon. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag. | mined:Edinburgh Fringe 2023 |
{'question': "During this lighting storm, my 9 year old daughter got me. It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh &... | shuttie/dadjokes |
What's worse than infected soil in the greenhouse? A global warming denier in the White House. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I've been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's a masochist's favorite place to go have fun? An Abusement Park | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
I hear Apple have released a line of people movers They call it Ivan | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm eating for six, according to the serving size on every single package of everything ever. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why did Edward get stuck in Russia', 'response': 'He was Snowden'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What's the difference between a Yankee stadium hotdog and a Fenway park hotdog? You can buy a Yankee stadium hotdog in October | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
I just like accents a lot. I've been talking about that a lot recently. Does anybody have an accent that's not, uh, Australian or English? What is it? I didn't hear an accent. I'm Middle Eastern. Prove it, I'm Middle Eastern, That was Indian. I don't even know what the f*** I'm doing right now. That was just racist, th... | tiktok_standup |
Both cats and dogs are illiterate, but I bet dogs feel bad about it, while cats don't give a shit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a demon that lives in your butt? An ass-soul | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair? Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a group of pillaging Huns? An army of Hun-dread. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Hear the one about the AA meeting in West Virginia? They all had the same last name... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does a Walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both enjoy a tight Seal. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I text this girl who was renting a room in my house "I want to lick you out" If she likes the text then I go with it, if not I blame predictive text and it was meant to say "I want to kick you out". | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It's terrible waking up with regret. Perhaps if she changed her name I'd feel better. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Why can't you call Koalas as Koala Bears. Because that does not koalafy as a proper name anymore", 'response': "It's not a beary good one either"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What's a lobster's favorite part of a build-your-own-pizza bar? The crust station. | reddit/r/jokes(score=27) |
Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Got everyone in the car today Im planning her birthday party and i really hope she doesnt find out Why', 'response': "She knows she'll be turning 25"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'I was running late for work today, so my Dad packed my lunch. http://i. imgur. com/JIMaWrk', 'response': 'jpg'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Nobody tells you you're poor as a kid. Think about that. No parent wants to admit to not doing well, It's true. So every poor kid has a moment when they realize things aren't going that well. And I'll tell you mine. My poor moment came when I signed up for community service in school and the bus went right back to my n... | tiktok_standup |
SEE IF you can "unscramble" the name of this important American from yesteryear in under 10 min: AABRHAM LONCLIN. Go! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How's anal like your first car? (x-post from r/funny) You don't really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways. (From Dark Humor on FB) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you dismiss a bird that's making fun of you at a bar? Tequila mocking bird. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they're chewing | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why is England the wettest country', 'response': 'Because the Queen has rained there for years'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Wife: Are you drunk? Me: I know this is a trick question so I'm going with no. Why? W: Because you're naked on the neighbors porch. M:... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, "Tell me if you can hear this," and then get in the trunk and start screaming. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Fatboy Slim announced that he's releasing a monthly cookie delivery service It's called 'Snack My Bitch Up.' | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why can't chickens pee? Their pecker's on the wrong end. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm stuck at a boring wedding reception, tell me a joke to get through it | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The thing about Kanye is that none of these ideas are his own. Kanye is just finding out that he's not as good a producer of intellectual thought as he is of music. What he's always done is just sampled things, and that's what a great producer will do. Ooh, that sound is really great. That sound is really great. When I... | tiktok_standup |
Why is there the occasional black Jew? Because Hilter kept them in the oven for too long. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Man I'm getting old I haven't fucked a priest in 25 years | reddit/r/jokes(score=127) |
I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller. | reddit/r/jokes(score=21) |
JESUS: Happy Father's Day, Joe. [hands over present] JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it- [present is empty] [Jesus and God hi-5] | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can find an answer through simple deduction. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why was the pancake arrested? Unwaffle activities | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
{'question': 'Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car. So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot', 'response': '” You’re welcome'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns... I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?” | reddit/r/jokes(score=74) |
What has 9 arms and 10 legs? A Def Leppard. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What should you do when your kid has nothing to do', 'response': 'Play a board game'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Ya know you're from Tacoma when... Your niece sees velvet ropes and says "Ooh , that's some really nice police tape"! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The wood necromancer thought he had the upper hand when he trapped the clerics in his log cabin... But all too soon, the tables had turned. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but. atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Punctuations are very important in my family', 'response': 'All hell broke loose when big sister missed two periods'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Define Irony: redditors using the death of reddit as a way to farm karma | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Rhonda Rousey is starring in a remake of Roadhouse. Now I won't feel weird jerking off to that movie. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between Mighty No. 9 and a gay guy? The gay guy eventually comes out | Maximofn/short-jokes |
(NSFW) How does the porn industry battle incest? Step by step | reddit/r/jokes(score=174) |
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese? Ding dong. | reddit/r/jokes(score=45) |
The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling... And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run... | reddit/r/jokes(score=23) |
{'question': 'I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit', 'response': "I politely declined and said I don't accept charity"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
So much for privacy... Google: We really value your privacy Twitter: We’d never collect anything Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about | reddit/r/jokes(score=85) |
Hey.. What do you call a really good taco? ...Juan-derful | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the darkest dark humor joke you got? I start!.. What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I just fly the drone. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together. At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting! | reddit/r/jokes(score=17581) |
I dated this one girl with a lazy eye. Turned out she was seeing someone else the whole time. | reddit/r/jokes(score=28) |
Women are like tornadoes They're cool to look at in pictures but when you see one in person its "holy shit what do I do?!" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in | reddit/r/jokes(score=23090) |
I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating. It was a constellation prize | reddit/r/jokes(score=30) |
I shouldn't be entrusted with responsibility. I took my pet rock to the lake for an afternoon of swimming... He drowned. RIP Dwayne | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The one nice thing I can get my dad to say about my boyfriend, who I've been dating for like a million fucking years, is: he's a good guy. you know what I mean. He's a good guy. you know what I mean He's a good guy. he's a good guy. I mean he's not fucking Jewish, but uh, Sarah's full of shit. she makes me actively a t... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "I wasn't sure when. I was going to have to get on the freeway but then. I realized", 'response': 'The turning point for me was the onramp'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'What movie director would make the best lumberjack', 'response': 'Timmmmmmm-buuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr-ton'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 killed the headphone jack with lightning | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Giraffe. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Is athlete's foot [gulp] fatal, doc? "Not with the proper treatment." *gives foot $56M 7-year contract* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You really never told your husband I love you? No, I would never, no, I would never. wow, have you said I love you to your kids? No, never, no, never, never. if you gave me an acting role and said, act it out with my husband or kids, I couldn't do it. it's bizarre to us. do you have the word love in in in the Indian la... | tiktok_standup |
“Life is like a box of chocolates” | reddit/r/jokes(score=1755) |
WORM 911: what's ur emergency FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD WORM 911: u need medical help? FLATWORM: wait, there's 2 of me now. we're good. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I got fired from my job assembling Tickle me Elmos I misunderstood what they meant when they said I was supposed to give each one “two test tickles” | reddit/r/jokes(score=199) |
I was given a recipe book for roadkill recently I collected some roadkill and followed the recipe. It tasted good but I have no idea what to do with his bike. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
a cleaner knocks on the door of a hotel room , after waiting awhile an Asian man answers the door. Cleaner says "Hey mate, where's ur bin?" The man replies "I bin on the loo" the cleaner says "no, where's ur dust bin" to which he replies "I dust bin on the loo" cleaner gets a bit annoyed "NO, where's ur wheelie bin" As... | reddit/r/jokes(score=19) |
I must have the body of a pornstar Because all of my clothes say XXX | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
{'question': 'How was Jaden Smith created', 'response': 'Through the power of Will'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'I held the door open for a clown', 'response': 'It was a nice jester'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter. "Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?" The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is." | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
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