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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin... ...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his. | reddit/r/jokes(score=523) |
I asked my wife if was the only one she's ever been with. She replied, "yeah, the others were at least sevens or eights." | reddit/r/jokes(score=35) |
What does a black guy do after sex? 15 to life. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager? She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What to hear a joke about jump rope. Never mind I’ll skip it', 'response': None} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What’s more ironic than waking up tired? Dying in the living room. | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry? She had a filthy habit | reddit/r/jokes(score=225) |
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? | reddit/r/jokes(score=54) |
I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut. | reddit/r/jokes(score=34) |
I Just got fired from the orange juice factory. They said I could not concentrate | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'The problem with diarrhea', 'response': 'It runs in my family'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was...... I was home schooled :( | reddit/r/jokes(score=132) |
Why didn't the 18 year old want to touch the piano keys? They were minors. | reddit/r/jokes(score=35) |
If Trump REALLY wanted to lock up Hillary... | reddit/r/jokes(score=61) |
"I ~don't own~ a TV." *Binge-views 8 hours of Netflix in bed.* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I bought a new thesaurus but it's terrible Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible | reddit/r/jokes(score=127) |
{'question': 'How do trees access the internet', 'response': 'They log on'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Sorry we don't serve faster than light particles here. Sorry we don't serve faster than light particles here. A Tachyon walks into a bar. | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
My companies biggest customer is the state of Missouri. I guess it's safe to say Missouri loves my company. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Dad joked my boss today Boss: The new soldering iron is pretty sick. Whitej10: How sick are we talking', 'response': "I don't want to make any illness worse by using it today"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A pun walks into the bar and 10 people drop dead Pun in, ten dead. | reddit/r/jokes(score=59) |
Two wind turbines are having a paddle 1: What's your thoughts on renewable energy? 2: I'm a big fan. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A chinese couple moves to Africa and the woman soon becomes pregnant. 9 months later, the woman gives birth to a half African and half Chinese baby. The man names the baby Sum Ting Wong. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Dadjoked a co-worker. She was saying that her dream was to move to Italy to teach abroad', 'response': 'I replied, just one'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun? Try as hard as she might, she just couldn’t kick her habit. | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY'RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him? | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
Have you heard? Michael Jackson is dead. Yes, Are you sad about it? For me it's a little bit like when Diana died: I couldn't give a fuck. What was P Diddy's parties like? I'll be honest with you, love, I feel bad for P Diddy because there's never been a worse name to have in court, Did he? Yeah, he did. Lee Evans is b... | tiktok_standup |
You know why those automatic sensor sinks save water? Because none of them fucking work | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I tried being a barber for a while but I just couldn't cut it. Bonus joke: Had to buy a stepladder the other day, I never knew my real ladder. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene? To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef. | reddit/r/jokes(score=14) |
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet. | reddit/r/jokes(score=23061) |
What do you call a dog woth no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he's not coming | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'When it comes to eyeball jokes', 'response': 'The cornea the better'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a Pakistani outpost? I don't know, I just fly the drone... *(Please don't hate me)* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you tell if your roommate is gay? If his dick tastes like shit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
We saw a Taliban bukkake film the other night. It was much the same as a normal porn film, except there was a much bigger explosion over her face at the end. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Puns make me feel numb Math puns make me feel number | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
I know pretty well how batteries must feel I'm rarely ever included in things either. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's Cock | reddit/r/jokes(score=13) |
What's a bananas favourite business to own? A peel-estate business | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why did the boy spit out his breakfast', 'response': 'Because it was waffle'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I was going to make a joke... But I fainted | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the 11 year old junior paleontologist and 50-cent music lover with cancer receive from the one wish foundation? A Rap Tour | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive.. Suddenly, they’d find me attractive | reddit/r/jokes(score=134) |
{'question': "Proud father moment Dropping the kids off this morning and my daughter says, I'm tired. I didn't sleep well. My son pipes in, Hi, tired", 'response': "I'm Luke"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': "Why couldn't the robot finish its pizza", 'response': 'It would take too many bytes'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Holmes said to his brother, "Mycroft, all this heroin that Watson administers is making me terribly constipated." And Mycroft responded, "No shit, Sherlock?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why is titty fucking a girl the most romantic way to make love? Because it's when you're closest to her heart. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I like my bagels like I like my women; lightly toasted with sesame seeds and a little butter. I don't understand this joke format. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames. | reddit/r/jokes(score=733) |
Decade: 10 years Century: 100 years Millennium: 1000 years Together forever: 8 months!!!!!! | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
I quit my job at the helium gas factory I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice | reddit/r/jokes(score=228) |
What do they call beautiful women in England? | reddit/r/jokes(score=99) |
{'question': 'My wife just gave me a restraining order', 'response': 'Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
How do al-Qaeda like their toast? Bean-laden | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'My wife and I drove past a store called Sav Mor I said to her, That sounds too hard', 'response': "I'd prefer to save more with ease"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
My girlfriend called me a pervert... but what does she know, she's only 13 years old. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
It's hard, though, because I am a little racist, I admit, Because I used to drive for Uber, and that'll make you racist. I'll tell you that Black women- y'all are the worst. Black women will talk about you on the phone to their friends while you're driving there. His car smell like hot dogs And I'll be like: is there a... | tiktok_standup |
Netflix. I love it so much because I used to illegally download anything and everything. but since getting Netflix I don't download anything anymore. Who knew the way to stop piracy was to give people access to some movies. Not all movies, not movies you're interested in, not even movies you've heard of, Just some movi... | tiktok_standup |
If there's a tornado, you should go to the Cowboy's Stadium. Because there's no chance of a touchdown there! | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
Honey, remember our first date?" "Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?" "No, I forgot my password. It's the security question. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Where is this? a door opened? Hi, Yes, that's fine, Come in. Why are you late? That's not a Jewish tradition. What are you talking about? A Russian tradition is to come without buying tickets and taking over the place. So Russian Jews, those are the worst kind of Jews. Hey, I used to say that about Ukrainian Jews, but ... | tiktok_standup |
Expect some precipitation later tonight. Because I'm about to make it rain on deez hoez. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What has four wheels and flies', 'response': 'A garbage truck'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I ate some Tesco burgers last night. I think it's given me the trots. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
One time at Christmas I had too much to drink and I shat myself on a train. Okay, we'll try that again without the foggy. yes, I remember We've all been there, Jim. One time at Christmas I'd had a bit too much to drink and I shot myself on a train, and This is like a really bad version of Spartacus. but instead of, Ins... | tiktok_standup |
Why does a space rock taste better than an Earth rock? Because it's meteor | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? You can't take a joke.... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why are so many C-dramas suddenly suspended from broadcast? Chinese comedian Li Haoshu, better known by his stage name House, made a joke during a stand-up show that defamed the People's Liberation Army by using their model good style of work, capable of winning battles- to depict two stray dogs chasing a squirrel. Now... | tiktok_standup |
What do girls always wear to math class? Alge-Bras!! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
The fella said I was making love to a white girl one time, right, That's why, sisters, I slipped. but I'm back And I make it up, this white girl and I give that old African man dingo that make love like. no, let me know, my boo doo, My boo doo is honey. She couldn't handle it. so I say I'm gonna do the same thing to he... | tiktok_standup |
Me: C'mon. Dog: No. Me: Let's go. Dog: No. Me: Please? Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!? Me: It's just rain. Dog: I already pooped in your shoe. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What's red and orange and looks great on hippies? Napalm | Maximofn/short-jokes |
WEDDINGH NIGHT What is long and hard and a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask nicely. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A gay couple decides to have some fun and play hide and seek... Jim: if you find me, I'll give you a blowjob! Mike: and if I don't find you? Jim: I'll be behind the couch. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
When is decency going to be cool again? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I said queer intentionally and explicitly, because that's what I am. To me, queerness is that I'm hungry, but I don't know for what of sexualities. My sexuality is just a salad from McDonald's. It's confusing to some, appealing to others. Either way, I'm loving it. | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "A son asks his dad. Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son. Dad: Of course. Son: Who invented the light bulb. Dad: Thomas Edison. Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead", 'response': 'Dad: Son, when it was lights out and da... | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'Why do melons have to get married in a church', 'response': 'Because they cantaloupe'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'I couldn’t attend my friend’s wedding', 'response': 'In hindsight, RSVP-ing “Maybe next time” wasn’t the best idea'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anais ! Anais who ? Anais cup of tea ! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
How to create a clean joke Step 1. Find a dirty joke Step 2. Clean it | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Black Jews Whats the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven | Maximofn/short-jokes |
NSFW My friend stopped over the other day So I took the toilet paper off the hanger and left a dildo in its place. If he thinks he's getting my TP he can go fuck himself ! | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'What would we call a hurricane after gender reassignment', 'response': 'A himmicane'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': "Was grumpy the other day and my wife accused me of being HANGRY . After pondering. I commented, nope,. I'm", 'response': 'HORNERY!'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Every Woman has a V, What am I? I start with a "v" and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? I'll post the answer in 10 minutes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did Laketown pass new emissions regulations? They had a major Smaug problem. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What does H in United States Of America stands for? | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
What types of trees never get Christmas presents? Knotty Pines. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
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