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He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!" |
When she butt dials someone, it's an entire area code. |
I just dread them |
And are now fed-up |
1) PUBG
2) Minecraft
3) Long distance relationships |
...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls? They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack.
Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut. You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket an... |
unfinished!
and sad :( |
The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driv... |
He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him |
Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”
“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”
Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks.
They ret... |
And it all gets divided by a corona |
So I stuffed her in a freezer and I am watching Tiger King |
Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week. |
...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."
The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."
Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oi... |
It’s my longest running joke of the year. |
So I covered myself in camouflage clothes and paint and walked around Disneyland. |
...jokes on them. I got laid off today. |
He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the fores... |
Gorgonzilla |
A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.
Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka,"
The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoot... |
Aloofa |
I saw those women, and I shouted:
"Why are you 3 women walking down the street, there is nothing down there"
And then they turned around and flew away...
Apparently, it was just some birds |
Start with a live, intact female frog.
Step one: Place the frog's left rear leg over your right ear.
Step two: Place the frog's right rear leg over your left ear.
Step three: Extend your tongue.... |
An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.
The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing a... |
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but... |
A rip off |
What does that say about men who ride bicycles around?
Or men who just walk to where they're going? |
"Would you like fries with that?" |
A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up.
After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the supply closet. I then casua... |
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a... |
Bamboo |
After a week of his Jeep being at the motor pool General Johnson called down to inquire of its progress.
Mechanic: Motor Pool
Gen Johnson: yea! Is General Johnson’s Jeep ready yet?
Mechanic: You mean fat ass Johnson?!?!
Gen Johnson: BOY! DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU’RE TALKIN’ TO???!!!
Mechanic: No...
Gen Jo... |
Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I... |
It’s a period drama. |
Kinder surprise. |
"Existence is futile" |
Edit: un-presidented |
I thought to myself... Hispanic buying. |
I T O U T F O R Y O U |
One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.
The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to ... |
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her. |
And a Czech one, too... |
They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill. |
Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%. |
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first. |
A farmer had three daughters each one had a date for the night. The farmer being very protective locked all three of his daughters in there room, so he could meet their suitors.the first suitor gets to the door and says hi I’m joe I’m here for flow where going to the show is she ready to go, the farmer looks him over d... |
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."
The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!" |
Because we all just finished a 31 day March! |
Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc. |
Instead, he's known as a simp on the barbie. |
A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) I don't know
E) Can you repeat the question |
They can't control their pupils. |
They had great Pharaoh-mones |
They give 'em the electric car |
which was lucky because he trod on a land mine |
stand by the corner it is usually 90 degrees |
But never your out stinks. |
The fish got battered! |
‘Really’ I said
‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’
That’ll teach her to be funny |
Jack was in a party with a bunch of friends, everyone was having fun and stuff, and proposed a game:
*Hey guys! Let's see who can do the best bird impression!*
His friends mocked him for proposing such a stupid game.
Jack got pissed and flew away. |
Well actually |
"No soap radio?" |
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence post and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says “I’ve got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but ... |
Entities |
I once knew a nun with a filthy habit.
But she was able to take it to the dry cleaners.
The cum n' coke stains were particularly hard to get out.
The mission was know for its cumin and cola themed fundraisers.
These were usually followed by an orgy.
Of evidence the nun led a boring life.
Of being devoted t... |
Now he’s in a pickle. |
Hoe Hoe Hoe! |
If you had to choose between going on a bender with the lads or taking your partner out for a romantic dinner.....
Which bar would you meet your mates in? |
The guy said, “See.” |
But I checked and what I was told was true though |
Because they do it in five positions |
"Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas"
Luke ignored him and continued to to fight.
But he whispers again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas"
Luke stops fighting and says "Ok, what are you going on about?"
"I have felt your presence" |
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
As the sun dips in the sky, he... |
They can cube the number 2. |
It’s just the flu. |
Well, mind your own business. |
And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.
W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"
The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead." |
Halloumi |
I promised to take steps to avoid them. |
Ancient Chinese should receive credit for toilet paper, guy who invented it was named Wi Ping. |
No se |
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in Augus... |
Why did the artist lose the gun fight?
He didn't draw his gun fast enough! |
They will disappear, just like magic, one day they will just disappear... |
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?
**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**
**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young m... |
..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.
Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000.
Colonel Smith choo... |
The last present I bought for her was a really loud stereo system. Not only did the bitch turn it down, she turned it down. |
What happens in vegas stays in vegas |
Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"
Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"
Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"
Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas." |
''Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years!''
''I saw it on Jackass last night''
''my dad did it as a kid''
''Yes i'm sure the power is off''
''it'll only hurt for a coupe of days''
''see? i'm now afraid of heights''
''you're all pussies''
''What are you gonna do, shoot me?'' |
Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!
lawyer: how high can you raise it now?
the man raises his hand to a very low place
lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?
the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go. |
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. |
only one cause they don't like to share the spot light |
They’re calling it The Manhattan. |
He says that he doesn't like cannibalism; too stringy and only good with mustard. |
to search for good jokes. to search for good jokes. |
A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo. So t... |
Inside jokes |
Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out. |
Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!
911: How do you know he was a painter?
Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job. |
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