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1686241698-101 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICHARD PRYOR’S MONOLOGUE AT THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE [ 13/12/1975] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryors-monologue-saturday-night-live-1975/ | Saturday Night Live, Season 1: Episode 7 Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Pryor! Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool. Miles always gets women... |
1686241702-102 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN ON ABORTION AND “PRO-LIFERS” | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-pro-life-abortion-and-the-sanctity-of-life/ | George Carlin on the 1996 HBO special “Back in Town”, blasting “pro-lifers”, conservatives and generally “anti-women” entities such as the Catholic Church. Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place, huh? Boy, these conservatives are... |
1686241706-103 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID WHEN I WAS HUNGRY (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-im-sorry-for-what-i-said-when-i-was-hungry-2016-full-transcript/ | [audience chanting] Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! Fluffy! [chanting continues] Give it up and make some noise for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias! -[song playing] -[audience cheering] [song continues] [song fades] Chicago! About time we do a special here. [audience cheering] Before I say anything else, you guys, a big hand for my frien... |
1686241709-104 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M NOT FAT … I’M FLUFFY (2009) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-im-not-fat-im-fluffy-2009-full-transcript/ | [energetic music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] – El Paso, Texas, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ – What’s up, El Paso? [crowd cheering] Thank you guys, very very much. Oh, my God. Ah, I got chills. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. [laughs] Thank you very much. Thank you. Whoo. I missed you too. S... |
1686241713-105 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Gabriel Iglesias: Hot And Fluffy (2007) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-hot-and-fluffy-2007-full-transcript/ | [Latino-style music] [audience cheering] (male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen! From Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure. [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a... |
1686241716-106 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker (1999) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-bigger-blacker-1999-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen… live from the world-famous Apollo Theater… in Harlem, New York. Are you ready? Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock! What’s up… New York? There’s Brooklyn in the house. Well, I’m from Brooklyn. Shit, look at this. White people are up top tonight. You know, I was just in my hotel, a little while ago, on m... |
1686241720-107 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RUSSELL BRAND: MESSIAH COMPLEX (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-brand-messiah-complex-2013-full-transcript/ | ♪♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) ♪♪ (man speaking German) (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen… Russell Brand. ♪♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone who hears your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who cares ♪ ♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪ ♪ Someone to hear your prayers ♪ ♪ Someone who’s there ♪♪ (ch... |
1686241724-108 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL MAHER… BUT I’M NOT WRONG (2010) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-but-im-not-wrong-2010-full-transcript/ | In front of a live audience at the Raleigh Memorial Auditorium at the Progress Energy Center for the Performing Arts in Raleigh, North Carolina, the Emmy-nominated host of Real Time with Bill Maher performs an all-new hour of stand-up comedy. Among the topics Bill discusses in his ninth HBO solo special are: Whether t... |
1686241728-109 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Pablo Francisco: Ouch! Live From San Jose (2006) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pablo-francisco-ouch-live-san-jose-2006-full-transcript/ | “Are you ready?” “Brokeba…homies”. That’s good. It’s about a six on that one. “Are you ready?” Pablo! Pablo! “All right, here we go.” No, that’s a three at most. “Alright. Hey.” “Hi, I’m William Hung. Hello.” That’s about a seven. Pablo! Pablo! “Are you ready? Are you? Are you ready?” Yes, I’m ready. Okay. Alright. Her... |
1686241732-110 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | SARAH SILVERMAN: WE ARE MIRACLES (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-we-are-miracles-2013-full-transcript/ | “Few comics could get away with such
an irreverent act, but Silverman pulls it
off with her disconnected style that
blends vulgarity and vulnerability.”
— CHICAGO-SUN TIMES Hey, I like your knee socks. They’re not knee socks. They’re fashion tights. It’s all one… whatever. You wouldn’t get it. Yeah, I do. You mean ... |
1686241736-111 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic (2005) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-jesus-is-magic-2005-full-transcript/ | I said ‘Shut up, you stupid twat’ And… – Oh my God. – I know. Because… And then I’m like: ‘Oh fuck, what did I just do?’ But then the audience loved it. They went nuts. And she looked like an idiot, like they’re all like, she is a stupid twat that should shut up. – That’s awesome. – So it was like felt really good. So ... |
1686241740-112 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL MAHER: LIVE FROM D.C. (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-maher-live-from-d-c-2014-full-transcript/ | Broadcast live on September 12, 2014 from the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. * WOMAN: At the tone, the time will be…
KEITH OLBERMANN: From the Warner Theatre… [Audience cheering] In Washington, It’s “Bill Maher, Live from D.C.” [Applause] And hello again, everyone. I’m Keith Olbermann, Reporting live from up here ... |
1686241744-113 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Kill The Messenger – London, New York, Johannesburg (2008) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-kill-the-messenger-london-new-york-johannesburg-2008-movie-script/ | What’s up? Yeah! Yeah! What’s up, Johannesburg? What’s up, New York? What’s up, London? Ah! Yes, I’m in Jo’burg! I finally made it! Whoo! Now let’s hope I make it the fuck out of here. Cos it is violent right about now! And I ain’t talking about the jungle. Man, oh, man, it’s good to be here, man! It is so good to be h... |
1686241748-114 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | PATTON OSWALT: ANNIHILATION (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-annihilation-2017-full-transcript/ | Comedian Patton Oswalt returns to Netflix with “Patton Oswalt: Annihilation.” The deeply personal and powerful stand-up special dives into the last year of Patton’s life, following the passing of his wife, and how he worked through the pain and grief by finding humor. Oswalt also explores topics including the angst of ... |
1686241752-115 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Paul Mooney: A Piece of My Mind – Godbless America (2014) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/paul-mooney-piece-mind-godbless-america-transcript/ | Let me see if I could go down some of these credits ’cause we’ll be here for two days if I do them all. Let’s see. Of course, he’s a writer for the great Richard Pryor, the Saturday Night Live. Also, he wrote for Red Fox, Sanford and Son, Good Times, Which Way Is Up, Bustin’ Moves, Hollywood Shuffles. He played Sam Coo... |
1686241756-116 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-buried-alive-2013-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be... |
1686241760-117 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AZIZ ANSARI: LIVE IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-live-in-madison-square-garden-2015-full-transcript/ | Thank you so much. Thank you very much, New York. Holy shit. This is Madison Square Garden. Oh, my God. Bring the house lights up for a second. Let’s just see everybody here a second. Bring the house lights up. Thank you. Thank you so much to all 12,000 of you predominantly white people that showed up tonight. I really... |
1686241764-118 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JUDAH FRIEDLANDER: AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE UNITED STATES (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/judah-friedlander-america-is-the-greatest-country-in-the-united-states-2017-full-transcript/ | I think being an American is a preexisting condition. My hair used to be black. Now every year white hairs show up. Next year more white hairs moving in. It makes me mad, makes me sad ’cause it means my head is getting gentrified. And… there is nothing I can do to stop it. Pretty soon I won’t be able to afford it. But ... |
1686241768-119 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CRISTELA ALONZO: LOWER CLASSY (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/cristela-alonzo-lower-classy-2017-full-transcript/ | What’s up, San Antonio? Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, I’m so excited to be here! Thank you, guys, for coming out. I love San Antonio. I got here last night. And I asked this chick, “What do you guys do here for fun?” – And she’s like… – “I’ll tell you what to do.” “You’re gonna drink, you’re gonna get plastered, you’re gonna end th... |
1686241771-120 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jack Whitehall: At Large (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jack-whitehall-at-large-2017-full-transcript/ | Filmed on location at the Eventim Apollo Please welcome Jack Whitehall. Show business, baby. Show business. Wow! How amazing is this? Here we are at the record of my first ever Netflix special. Yeah. I don’t know why I’m talking into this. I’m on a head set. I doubt that’s even on. I doubt that is even… I mean, not eve... |
1686241775-121 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CHRISTINA PAZSITZKY: MOTHER INFERIOR (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/christina-pazsitzky-mother-inferior-transcript/ | Christina P is a female comic with a dark sense of humor who refuses to be forced to choose between the classic “madonna/whore” stereotype that many female comedians are shoehorned into. She talks about being a mother and parenthood from the perspective of a true individual, rather than having her femininity being shti... |
1686241779-122 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies (2009) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-howard-live-dingledodies-2009-full-transcript/ | [# Kasabian: Club Foot] [Cheering] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome to the stage… Russell Howard! [Cheering] Hello! Well! Well, well, well! That was a fairly nice welcome. Thank you very much! I love it here. I love Brighton, it’s fantastic. What l love is how people go, ”Fuckin’ watch out! It’s full of poofs.” ”An... |
1686241783-123 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICKY GERVAIS LIVE 2: POLITICS (2004) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-2-politics-2004-full-transcript/ | The Houses of Parliament, home to British politics. But you don’t need to come here to see politics. Politics is everywhere… everywhere… everywhere… everywhere… Transport, Law and Order, N.H.S., Education Teachers moaning and that Defense. So the next time you’re walking around your town, open your eyes and see the pol... |
1686241787-124 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Anjelah Johnson: Not Fancy (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anjelah-johnson-not-fancy-transcript/ | Not Fancy was filmed at the City National Grove in Anaheim, California. Anjelah Johnson talks about touring and prepping for her trip to Europe, her teen-inspired wardrobe (and jewelry collection), marriage and of course her family. The following is the full transcript of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise... |
1686241791-125 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | SARAH MILLICAN: CHATTERBOX LIVE (2011) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-millican-chatterbox-live-2011-full-transcript/ | – Five minutes, Sarah. – I’m just gonna go and have a quick snack. (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican. (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent... |
1686241795-126 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-im-your-girlfriend-2016-full-transcript/ | (techno music playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Whitney Cummings! (cheering)
I have to pee. I’m good! What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. Thi... |
1686241799-127 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-i-love-2014-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t... |
1686241803-128 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RUSSELL HOWARD: RECALIBRATE (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-howard-recalibrate-2017-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr. Russell Howard! Thank you very much indeed. It’s nice to be happy. ‘Cause the world’s awful at the minute, isn’t it? How depressing is the world? Look at politics in this country. The right are too right and the left are too left. And none of them speak for us. It’... |
1686241807-129 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CRAIG FERGUSON: I’M HERE TO HELP (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-im-here-to-help-2013-full-transcript/ | – The first time I saw Craig Ferguson, I was in the hospital on morphine, And the nurses came in and I was laughing my head off. And they said, “what is going on?” I’m like, “this guy’s so funny!” – I’m excited just to be in the same room as Craig. He’s my celebrity crush, actually. We’ve already talked about this. I g... |
1686241811-130 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: Equanimity (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-equanimity-2017-full-transcript/ | “Equanimity” was shot in Washington, D.C., and it covers the material that Chappelle developed in his monthlong stint at Radio City Music Hall in 2017. [“Killing Me Softly with His Song” playing] [woman vocalizes] ♪ I heard he sang a good song ♪
♪ I heard he had a style ♪ [camera shutter clicks] ♪ And so I came to se... |
1686241814-131 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: The Bird Revelation (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-bird-revelation-2017-full-transcript/ | Recorded at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles in November 2017 [Dave Chappelle] Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean. You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in. So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s funny. [audience laughin... |
1686241818-132 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-live-at-the-apollo-2013-transcript/ | Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And ... |
1686241822-133 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DAVE CHAPPELLE: HBO HALF HOUR (1998) – Traduzione italiana | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-hbo-half-hour-1998-traduzione-italiana/ | Ho iniziato a 14 anni, è stato allora che mi sono reso conto. Wow, dieci anni prima di me. Sì, ma ho una curva dell’attenzione bassissima, sto già pensando di smettere e far qualcos’altro. Sapete quale fu il mio primo lavoro? Dovevo mettermi un costume del cazzo da biscotto e distribuire volantini per un ristorante all... |
1686241826-134 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DAVE CHAPPELLE: THE BIRD REVELATION (2017) – Transcripción completa | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-bird-revelation-2017-transcripcion-completa/ | Original English transcript here [Dave Chappelle] A veces, decir algo gracioso es cruel. ¿Me entienden? Es difícil estar en esa situación. Yo digo muchas cosas crueles, pero deben recordar que mi intención no es ser cruel. Solo lo digo porque es gracioso. Y todo es gracioso hasta que nos sucede a nosotros. [“Revelation... |
1686241830-135 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DAVE CHAPPELLE: EQUANIMITY (2017) – Transcripción completa | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-equanimity-2017-transcripcion-completa/ | Original English transcript here [“Killing Me Softly with His Song”] ♪ I heard he sang a good song ♪ ♪ I heard he had a style ♪ ♪ And so I came to see him To listen for a while ♪ ♪ And there he was This young boy ♪ ♪ A stranger to my eyes ♪ ♪ Strumming my pain With his fingers ♪ ♪ Singing my life with his words ♪ ♪ Kil... |
1686241834-136 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DYLAN MORAN: LIKE, TOTALLY… (2006) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-like-totally-2006-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Dylan Moran! Hello! Hello! Yes, yes…hello. Hello, it’s very nice to be…and… You may as well be in London… while you`re being. Fantastic place. Cosmopolis. People from every corner of the Earth,… every creed, every religion, every culture come here to vomit in minicabs. ... |
1686241838-137 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CRAIG FERGUSON: TICKLE FIGHT (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-tickle-fight-2017-full-transcript/ | Comedian and Emmy-winning television host Craig Ferguson brings his quick wit and offbeat humor to the stage as he returns with his second Netflix original one-hour stand-up special. Performing before a packed-house at Montreal’s Ludger-Duvernay Theatre at the 2017 Just For Laughs Festival, Ferguson tackles topics incl... |
1686241842-138 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Craig Ferguson: Does This Need To Be Said? (2011) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-does-this-need-to-be-said-transcript/ | It’s a great day for America, everybody! I’m always delighted to be in Nashville. I’m always happy to be in the south. I feel this great affinity with people in the south, because I share your pain. I know what it’s like to have everyone in the world think they can do your accent better than you can do. Right? And then... |
1686241846-139 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jerry Seinfeld: I’m Telling You for the Last Time (1998) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerry-seinfeld-im-telling-you-for-the-last-time-full-transcript/ | The special aired live on HBO on August 9, 1998 from the Broadhurst Theatre in New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld. Thank you. Thank you. That was very, very nice. Thank you very much. Thank you. Standing ovation. Now I know there’s always a… Scuse me? Perfect start of the show. Thank you. I know it’s n... |
1686241850-140 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | TODD BARRY: SPICY HONEY (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-barry-spicy-honey-2017-full-transcript/ | [fire crackling] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Todd Barry. [applause and cheering] Thank you. Oh, my God. -[cheering continues]
-[Todd] Ooh.
[Todd] Oh yeah, that’s how you do it. Oh, my God. Thank you. Aah! Nothing like that comedy special applause… that you only got when you do a come... |
1686241854-141 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MAZ JOBRANI: IMMIGRANT (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maz-jobrani-immigrant-2017-full-transcript/ | [Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” playing] ♪ Swingin’ while I’m singin’ Givin’ what ya gettin’ ♪ ♪ Knowin’ what I know ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Maz Jobrani! ♪ We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ... |
1686241858-142 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ELLEN DEGENERES: THE BEGINNING (2000) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ellen-degeneres-the-beginning-2000-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome Ellen Degeneres.
Thank you, thank you.. Thank you very much. Yeah, woo… This is a very emotional night for me, you have no idea, ehm or maybe you do now. This has been quite a journey for me and… to lead to this night, because since I made the decision to come out three years ago…... |
1686241862-143 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | FAHIM ANWAR: THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fahim-anwar-theres-no-business-like-show-business-2017-full-transcript/ | ♪ ♪ – Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Fahim Anwar! – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming to my special, guys. Really cool to be shooting it here in L.A. I’ve lived here for, like, ten years now, and I don’t love it, just because everyone out here is trying to make ... |
1686241866-144 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MICHELLE WOLF: NICE LADY (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michelle-wolf-nice-lady-2017-full-transcript/ | Comedian Michelle Wolf (The Daily Show with Trevor Noah) stars in her first HBO special — an hour of stand-up featuring her observations on feminism, dating, and other social issues. Nice Lady is directed by stand-up comedian and writer Neal Brennan – [music playing] – [chatter] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michell... |
1686241870-145 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL HICKS: LIVE AT LAFF STOP, AUSTIN, TX, AND COBBS, SAN FRANCISCO, CA (1993) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-live-at-laff-stop-austin-tx-and-cobbs-san-francisco-ca-1993/ | Recorded Live at Laff Stop, Austin, TX, and Cobbs, San Francisco, CA (Spring and Summer 1993) Well, folks, this is kind of a sentimental evening for me because . . . this is my final live performance I’ll ever do, ever. No biggie, no, no, no, no, no hard feelings, no sour grapes whatsoever. I’ve been doing this sixteen... |
1686241873-146 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-disgraceful-2018-full-transcript/ | Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here [Internal link] Filmed at the Paramount Theatre in Denver [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… [audience whistling] Tom Segura! [audience cheering and clapping] [inaudible dialogue] Whoa! What’s up? Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was ama... |
1686241877-147 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-let-me-explain-2013-full-transcript/ | The show starts with Kevin at a party with friends and fans. Some of the fans start getting on his nerves by saying things that they say Kevin said-he denies it and accusing him of doing things that he says he didn’t. One fan even accuses Kevin of being a LAB, which stands for ‘Local-Ass-Bitch’ and it refers to where h... |
1686241881-148 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kevin Hart: What Now (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-what-now-2016-full-transcript/ | In the film’s spy sub-plot, set before the events of the performance, Kevin is an agent for MI6 [Agent 0054] and attends a poker game event with his date Money Berry [Halle Berry], only for it to go horribly wrong.
In the performance portion, which takes up most of the film, was filmed live on August 30, 2015 in fron... |
1686241885-149 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Tucker: Live (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-tucker-live-2015-transcript/ | [upbeat music playing] [exhaling] [indistinct conversations] [crowd cheering] [inaudible] [audience cheering uproariously] What up? Stop! Stop! [audience applauding] I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’al... |
1686241889-150 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill (1999) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-dress-kill-1999-full-transcript/ | ‘San Francisco. ‘Town city of gleaming spires. People live here. ‘Golden Gate Bridge. ‘The Romans came here. They built buildings with things. ‘Ducks. Cows. Cows who look weird. ‘And convicts.’ (# Spooky modern jazz) ‘Criminal element. San Francisco is no exception. ‘Criminals who look quite ordinary ‘but are more crim... |
1686241893-151 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIMMY CARR: FUNNY BUSINESS (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-funny-business-transcript/ | [classical music playing] [applauding and cheering] Wow! Good evening, London. You well? -[audience] Yes! -Fabulous. You are in very safe hands this evening. I’ve been doing comedy now for, uh… money and sex. It’s going very well. I live in North London now, and a guy came up to me in the high street near where I live.... |
1686241897-152 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Stewart Lee: Stand-Up Comedian (2005) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-standup-comedian-full-transcript/ | Recorded on 10 March 2005 at The Stand, Glasgow Pre-show music: ‘The Breath of Coldness’ by Evan Parker Stewart appears. Music changes to ‘Mr. Lee’ Stew invites four people onstage. He gives them party poppers and tells them to explode them on his signal. They do so and return to their seats, leaving stew alone at the ... |
1686241901-153 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-never-scared-2004-full-transcript/ | Chris Rock pulls out all the stops in his no-holds-barred stand up comedy special which aired in April 2004 on HBO. Gleefully making fun of rap music over the years, the Jacksons, Kobe Bryant, R. Kelly, Krispy Kremes, strippers “paying themselves for college and giving a smart lap dance while wearing clear heels,” the ... |
1686241905-154 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BRIDGET EVERETT: GYNECOLOGICAL WONDER (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bridget-everett-gynecological-wonder-2015-full-transcript/ | Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater ( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you w... |
1686241909-155 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | D.L. Hughley: Unapologetic (2007) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/d-l-hughley-unapologetic-transcript/ | [Audience cheering] (DL Hughley enters from stage left with his head cocked and grabs the microphone) Hey now! How yallll doiinnnnnn. How yall doin chocolate city? Goddamn. Now, there’s some good looking people around here. Give yourself a round of applause. [Audience cheering] That’s nice! It’s a mixed audience too, m... |
1686241913-156 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Izzard: Unrepeatable (1994) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-unrepeatable-transcript/ | Recorded at the Albery Theatre in March 1994 1. Opening Numbers Well… God! God! Jesus… Eh, hello… ( hums a tune ) So – yes, showtime. (hums opening showtime tune) Actually, it’s kind of a crummy beginning, just walking out and going like this, isn’t it? I haven’t really got beginnings worked out; I really- I think in t... |
1686241917-157 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking (2013) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-laughing-and-joking-transcript/ | Recorded at the London’s Hammersmith Apollo (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jimmy Carr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thanks very much. Good. Good. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE continues) That’s… …far too kind. Well, let’s crack on, shall we? Good evening. Are you well? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – F... |
1686241921-158 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-being-funny-transcript/ | Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s n... |
1686241925-159 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Katt Williams: Great America (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-great-america-transcript/ | [announcer] You seen him on Pimpin’ Pimpin’. You seen him in American Hustle. You seen him in Friday After Next. He is single-handedly shutting the Internet down. Give it up for the king of underground comedy, Mr. Katt Williams! [audience cheering] [“Bad and Boujee” playing on speakers]
♪ Smokin’ on cookie in the hotb... |
1686241929-160 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BRIAN REGAN: NUNCHUCKS AND FLAMETHROWERS (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-nunchucks-flamethrowers-transcript/ | [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome Brian Regan! [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause]
Well, it was m... |
1686241933-161 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BRIAN REGAN: STANDING UP (2007) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-standing-up-2007-full-transcript/ | ♪ [Rock] [crowd cheering] [man] let’s give a big, warm welcome to Mr. Brian Regan! [Crowd roars] all right. Thank you! Thank you. Thanks. [Cheering] thank you very much. Appreciate that. [Laughs] [cheering continues] all right. [Whistling] thank you very much. Wow. Man, oh, man. That is very, very nice. Thank you for c... |
1686241937-162 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | TODD GLASS: ACT HAPPY (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/todd-glass-act-happy-transcript/ | You’re… You’re… You’re… fun, you’re talented, you’re great. Look at this face. Look, right? All the positivity, you take it out there… By the way, this is a small room, 75 people, but play like it’s 80. And act happy, you hear me? We always have to look happy. Oh, cos that’s how you’re happy? -Fuck. Ladies and gentleme... |
1686241941-163 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | EDDIE IZZARD: STRIPPED (2009) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-stripped-2009-full-transcript/ | (AUDIENCE CHEERING) London! London! London. London. There’s only one London in the world except for all the other ones, which is really annoying. CouIdn’t there just be one? Thank you very much. But we were called Londinium by the Romans. And we said, ”No, we’re not gonna do that. ”We’re gonna change some of the vowels... |
1686241945-164 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DANA CARVEY: STRAIGHT WHITE MALE, 60 (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dana-carvey-straight-white-male-60-2016-full-transcript/ | Thank you. Man! Let’s talk about the phenomenon that is Donald Trump. People angry already. “What? I’ll kill you!” “Donald Trump, okay? Donald Trump, all right?” I do him a little effeminate. I don’t know why. I just do him, like, a little soft, little bit of lotion, little bit of ChapStick. I just do, you know. I mean... |
1686241949-165 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | FRED ARMISEN: STANDUP FOR DRUMMERS (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fred-armisen-standup-for-drummers-transcript/ | [man] Drummers only tonight. Drummers only. Not bad. All right. [drumroll] [crowd cheers] [crowd cheers] Have you guys ever checked into one of those newer hotels, like the W Hotel, like a sort of very futuristic-looking hotel, with like sort of white shag carpeting everywhere? And for some reason, this is the music th... |
1686241953-166 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-tamborine-transcript/ | [indistinct overlapping chatter] [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally s... |
1686241957-167 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ari-shaffir-double-negative-transcript/ | Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-minute called Adulthood; both filmed on the same night at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Shaffir took only a brief intermission to change his wardrobe and the lighting, keeping the same crowd in the house. Children [♪♪♪] [a... |
1686241961-168 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Bring the Pain (1996) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-bring-pain-transcript/ | [Announcer] Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C. Are you ready? I said, are you ready? It’s time to bring the pain, give it to me for Mr. Chris Rock! How are you? Washington! D.C., chocolate city! That’s right! Home of the Million Man March! That’s right, the Million Man March! That had all the type of black... |
1686241965-169 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Izzard – Glorious (1997) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-izzard-glorious-1997-full-transcript/ | (Siren) Well, Times Square. I just had to do a show right here and it’s brilliant to do it in Times Square because there’s always a bunch of people who can hang around and watch me talk complete rubbish. (d Suede: Filmstar) D Filmstar, propping up the bar d Driving in a car, it looks so easy d Filmstar, propping up the... |
1686241969-170 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DAVE ATTELL: ROAD WORK (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-attell-road-work-transcript/ | [Cheers and applause] – you guys ready to meet your headline act? Let me hear you. [Cheers and applause] – holy. – Come on, people, a little noise here. [Cheers and applause] your headliner, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the best comics in the entire business. Please give me a warm, loud round of applause for the one... |
1686241973-171 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mike Birbiglia: My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-my-girlfriends-boyfriend-2013-full-transcript/ | Wow. Hey, thank you. Thanks. Thank you, guys. Hey, Seattle. Nice to see you. Look at this. Look at us. We’re here. This is crazy. It’s insane. So about five years ago, pretty much everyone who I know started to get married, and that was strange for me because I don’t really believe in the idea of marriage. And that wou... |
1686241977-172 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | STEWART LEE: 90s COMEDIAN (2006) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-90s-comedian-2006-full-transcript/ | Recorded on 10 March 2006 at Chapter Arts, Canton, Cardiff PRE-SHOW MUSIC: MILES DAVIS’S KIND OF BLUE VOICE OFF: Please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome onto the stage Mr Stewart Lee! Thank you. Ah. It’s great to be back. Um. Now, I’m going to, I’m going to tell you a story, right, it’ll take about, um, an hour and fifte... |
1686241981-173 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ADEL KARAM: LIVE FROM BEIRUT (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adel-karam-live-from-beirut-transcript/ | A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
Recorded at the Casino du Liban, Beirut Hello. Wow, this is great! This is great! Good evening. Good evening! God rest his soul! Hello there. “Hello.” So bored! How are you all? This is so cool. That much! Hello up there. Good evening! Yeah, I see you. It’s like you’ve arrived from outer space... |
1686241985-174 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Ricky Gervais: Humanity (2018) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-humanity-transcript/ | Hello. Hello! How you doing? Great. Thank you. Wow. Calm down. Shut the fuck up. Thank you. What a lovely welcome. I’m gonna try my hardest tonight. You’re thinking, “Relax, we’ve had our money’s worth just seeing you.” What? You’re a legend. Shut up! What is he? I’m not a god. I’m just an ordinary guy, you know, going... |
1686241989-175 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Marlon Wayans: Woke-Ish (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marlon-wayans-wokeish-transcript/ | How the fuck we doing, DC? We good? That music gets you hyped, man. I see why there’s so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs. It’s the music, man. Make you feel like you punched your best friend in the face. “I’m hyped! I’ll punch a n*gga in the face with a right!” “Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit. You did the same shit to me wi... |
1686241993-176 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICKY GERVAIS: 2012 GOLDEN GLOBES OPENING MONOLOGUE | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-2012-golden-globes-opening-monologue/ | Cheers.
Oh – So where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you.
Hello, I’m Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.
[Audience cheers]
Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hos... |
1686241997-177 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: You Are All Diseased (1999) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-you-are-all-diseased-transcript/ | You Are All Diseased is the 16th album and 11th HBO live broadcast stand-up special by comedian George Carlin, recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City How’s Everybody Doin’? Thank you… So let me ask you something. Let me ask you how’s everybody doing tonight huh? Good well f*ck you! Just try... |
1686242001-178 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: PATTON OSWALT (1999) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-patton-oswalt-1999-full-transcript/ | (Announcer) from New York City, Comedy Central presents Patton Oswalt (cheering) Thank you. Thanks. Oh, thank you all for coming out. This makes it nice, having an audience for my special. Thank you very much. You know, remember when you were a little kid, and your friends would be out playing a game like cowboys and I... |
1686242004-179 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GREG DAVIES: YOU MAGNIFICENT BEAST (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/greg-davies-you-magnificent-beast-full-transcript/ | ♪ Now I’m not trying to be rude ♪ But, hey, pretty girl, I’m feeling you ♪ ♪ The way you do the things you do Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe ♪ ♪ Baby, give me that toot-toot Let me give you that beep-beep ♪ ♪ Running my hands through my ‘fro Bouncing on 24s ♪ ♪ It’s the remix to “Ignition” Hot and fresh out the kitchen ♪... |
1686242008-180 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Griffin: Undeniable (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-undeniable-2018-full-transcript/ | [♪♪♪] [notification beep] [♪♪♪] [cheers and applause] [♪♪♪] What’s happening, y’all? Wassup, Boston? [cheers] Go on, sit down sit down, y’all. Let’s get at it! Yes, indeed, feedeede. I had to come to Boston and finish it off ’cause right now, n i g g a, the world is fucked up, n i g g a. N i g g a, you got hurricanes t... |
1686242012-181 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous At Radio City (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-kid-gorgeous-at-radio-city-full-transcript/ | [organ music playing] Welcome to Radio City Music Hall. It’s time. Any questions? No. Walk with me. [eerie organ music playing] [mechanical whirring] [audience applauding and cheering] Good evening. Hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice to meet you. Jon Brion, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to see me at Radio City Mus... |
1686242016-182 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | KAVIN JAY: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kavin-jay-everybody-calm-down-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! Now, please put your hands together for the guy whose name is in the title, Kavin Jay! Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this ... |
1686242020-183 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-hard-knock-wife-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! ♪ What y’all thought Y’all wasn’t gon’ see me? ♪
♪ I’m the Osirus of this shit♪
♪ Wu-Tang is here forever, motherfuckers♪
♪ It’s like this ninety-seven ♪
♪ Aight my n i g g a s and my n i g g arettes♪
♪ Let’s do it like this♪
♪ I’ma rub your ass in the m... |
1686242024-184 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DOUG STANHOPE ON NATIONALISM | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-on-nationalism/ | From No Refunds, recorded at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City (March 12, 2007) Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you’ve never met. All of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever. If you’re American you’ll go, ‘Fuck the French. If we hadn’t saved their asses in... |
1686242028-185 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | NIKKI GLASER: PERFECT (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nikki-glaser-perfect-2016-full-transcript/ | * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * I cannot touch that thing * It is not mine * I do not take, I do not take * * No matter how you shine * I cannot take a gift * That isn’t true * * I love myself, I love myself * * Too much to love you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, ... |
1686242032-186 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BRENT MORIN: I’M BRENT MORIN (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brent-morin-im-brent-morin-2015-full-transcript/ | Shot at the Gramercy Theatre, New York The special opens with a confrontation between Morin and a security guard (comic Leonard Ouzts), who demands to see a backstage pass. Morin insists this is his Netflix taping; the guard says he cancelled his subscription, pushes Morin against the wall, and only relents at the behe... |
1686242036-187 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE O2 LONDON (2018) – PRINCE HARRY & MEGHAN MARKLE’S ROYAL WEDDING | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-royal-wedding-2018/ | This is so amazing, so many of you here, to see me.. huh!? I feel like Meghan Markle… this is dope! That was like the most amazing experience. I didn’t know that the Royal Wedding was going to be this weekend. I didn’t know it was gonna be today. I planned my show long before them… I knew that I loved you before he kne... |
1686242040-188 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | KEVIN JAMES: NEVER DON’T GIVE UP (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-james-never-dont-give-up-full-transcript/ | Recorded at New York City’s Beacon Theatre ♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Siege ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪
♪ And when you hear the sound Of the drum ♪
♪ We’ll be saying, “Here we come!” ♪
♪ Yeah, here we come Hey, here we come ♪
♪ Huh! Here we come ♪ ♪ Here we come ♪
♪ Yeah, here we come Hey, here we come ♪
♪ Hey, here we come ♪
♪ Here w... |
1686242044-189 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | KEVIN SMITH: SILENT BUT DEADLY (2018) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-smith-silent-but-deadly-transcript/ | Hey, man, I’m Kevin Smith. And moments after we shot the show you’re about to watch, I came into this room downstairs at the theater in Glendale, and had a massive heart attack. They talk about, like, “I killed onstage. I died onstage.” I thought I killed that night, and I came backstage and almost died. So enjoy the s... |
1686242048-190 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MICHAEL MCINTYRE: HELLO WEMBLEY! (2009) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-mcintyre-hello-wembley-transcript/ | (INAUDIBLE) ANNOUNCER: Wembley, please welcome Michael Mclntyre. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) McINTYRE: Good evening. (WHOOPING) Hello, Wembley! (LAUGHING) Ah, good. And how are you? Good evening. Welcome. Welcome to my show. It’s Saturday night! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Now, obviously, there would’ve been various different reaction... |
1686242052-191 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RON WHITE: A LITTLE UNPROFESSIONAL (2012) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-a-little-unprofessional-transcript/ | I told you to shut up. Hey, baby, what the hell are you doing? What? Ron, you promised. You know how I get when all that jabberin’ starts. It just makes me crazy sometimes. You know how I am. Get in. You have a show to do in four hours. Oh, baby, we gonna make it to that show, you don’t worry about that. You just get t... |
1686242056-192 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RUSSELL PETERS: ALMOST FAMOUS (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-almost-famous-2016-full-transcript/ | -Yeah, Russell! Oi, Russell! Your mother is so fat. What the hell did you say to me? Do I look like Ryan’s mom? Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad. Oh, DDR. So good. His best buddy is in the house. Best what? Best buddy. Oh, my God. Thank you. All right! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Canada’s own and the pride of Bram... |
1686242060-193 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RUSSELL PETERS: OUTSOURCED (2006) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-outsourced-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, please, if you say that, gentlemen. My man, [MIXED] Russell Peters! Yeah, brothers know his name. Here he is, guys! Russell Peters! [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES] All right. How you doing? All right. All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders. Look at this audience, man. Everybo... |
1686242064-194 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bill Burr: The Philadelphia Incident (2006) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-the-philadelphia-incident-2006-transcript/ | NEW!
The full transcript of Bill’s monologue at the SNL is now available here In 2006 Bill Burr and many of the regular comedians of The Opie & Anthony Show were on The Traveling Virus Comedy Tour, hitting large venues around the nation. Things went south when the tour came to the Philadelphia. From the jump, the unr... |
1686242068-195 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-chewed-up-transcript/ | Filmed at the Berklee Performance Center in Boston, March 1, 2008
Hello, alright… thank you, alright f*ggot how you doin’ Sorry, I called him a f*ggot. I miss that word, k’now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never meant gay. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know what gay was, I hadn’t been told that people... |
1686242072-196 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: THIS IS ME NOW (2018) – Full transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-this-is-me-now-transcript/ | Jim Jefferies returns to Netflix with his third Netflix Original stand-up special, Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now. Performing at the Eventim Apollo in London, the comedian and host of The Jim Jefferies Show unapologetically keeps it real when he opens up about the challenges of being a single father, reflects on the tim... |
1686242076-197 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICKY GERVAIS: LIVE IV – SCIENCE (2010) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-iv-science-transcript/ | (THUNDERCLAP) SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago, in a castle laboratory, (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) sort of like Frankenstein’s, you know, science turned abomination, a mad doctor’s dream to create a human being from the body parts of other human beings. A bit pointless, really. He wanted to create the world’s finest comedian. Popular... |
1686242080-198 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Deray Davis: How To Act Black (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deray-davis-how-to-act-black-transcript/ | [male announcer] ATL, get ready for the man of the hour! A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL He’s sold out tours, you’ve seen him on TV and in movies representing Chicago, soon to be one of the legends of laughter the hood hero, DeRay Davis! [cheering, applause] [hip-hop music playing] ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪ ♪ Ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Ha... |
1686242084-199 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BRAD WILLIAMS: DADDY ISSUES (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brad-williams-daddy-issues-transcript/ | ♪ bluesy rock music ♪ ♪ energetic pop rock music ♪ – Southern California, are you ready to have a good time tonight? (audience cheering) Get excited, make it loud, for Brad Williams! ♪ hard rock music ♪ (audience cheering) – What’s up!? (audience cheering) What’s goin’ on everybody!? (laughing) There’s no way I can liv... |
1686242088-200 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Hannah Gadsby: Nanette (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannah-gadsby-nanette-transcript/ | [“Bobby Reid” plays]
♪ There’s blood in the water ♪
♪ Won’t you cut me down? ♪
♪ ‘Cause people keep on calling ♪
♪ Won’t you cut me down? ♪
♪ Bobby Reid, won’t you please ♪
♪ Cut me down? ♪ Thank you very much. Thank you. Might’ve peaked a bit early, but… Welcome to my show. My show is called Nanette. And the rea... |
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