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1686242907-401 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kate Berlant: Cinnamon in the Wind (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kate-berlant-cinnamon-in-the-wind-transcript/ | Whoa! Okay, yeah. Good. Okay, don’t embarrass yourself, okay. Ohh, the expectations. Crushing, I would argue. Absolutely crushing, debilitating in every way. I’m gonna move this, ’cause I’m so thin I’ll disappear behind it, so… And then you’ll be like, “Is that… Is that Kate “or is that Kate? Right? “I don’t know who t... |
1686242913-402 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Whitney Cummings: Jokes (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-jokes-transcript/ | [cheering and applause] [lively music playing] [emcee] Give it up for my good friend and yours, Whitney Cummings! [cheering continues] What is up, Newark, New Jersey? [cheering] Whoo! Thank you so much for coming out. This is my fifth stand-up special I am taping with you tonight. It’s been a minute. Uh, my last specia... |
1686242917-403 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Trevor Noah: I Wish You Would (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-i-wish-you-would-transcript/ | [orchestral warmup] Potatoeszah. Zah. Potatoes. Baby. [low voice] Baby. [high voice] Baby. [normal voice] Can I hear it without the house for a second? Yep. Yep. [drawnout] Yep. [malevolent voice] “All those who try…” [normal] All right, bring it all in. [mimics announcer] “Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner…” [ac... |
1686242921-404 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Neal Brennan: Blocks (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-blocks-transcript/ | [gentle music playing] [audience applauding] [audience cheering] All right, let me explain. Friend of mine… “Former friend,” we’ll call her. [audience laughter] …is an artist, right? And the theme of our friendship is kind of feeling alone in the world. Right? So I wrote this show, which is about that feeling. And I se... |
1686242925-405 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Deon Cole: Charleen’s Boy (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/deon-cole-charleens-boy-transcript/ | [indistinct chattering] [woman] Oh, this water is so good. I don’t know why I was so thirsty. But anyway, I feel comfortable now. It feels real good in here. Yeah. It’s so good to see you, babe. What are you… Tell me, I’ve been thinking about it… What are you doing with Netflix? Is it gonna be like your… Cole Blooded S... |
1686242930-406 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fortune-feimster-good-fortune-transcript/ | [upbeat music plays] [audience cheering] [announcer] Please welcome Fortune Feimster! ♪ I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Caus... |
1686242934-407 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Gabriel Iglesias: Stadium Fluffy (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-stadium-fluffy-transcript/ | [man] Can you please state your name? Martin Moreno. But you might know me as… Martinnnnn! I’ve been touring with Gabriel Iglesias for 20-plus years. Martinnnnn! And, yeah, he’s been screaming my name for 20-plus years. Hurry up, Martinnnnn! Dude, that’s better than most marriages. That’s a win. It has been an incredib... |
1686242938-408 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-hot-forever-transcript/ | [upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you! Thank you so much. This is so great. This is so nice to be here with you in public. We’re not stuck at home doing this for ten likes. Ah, that’s right, you danced. You know you did. It was a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about h... |
1686242942-409 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: What’s in a Name (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-whats-in-a-name-transcript/ | What’s in a Name? is a 40-minute talk Chappelle delivered at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, D.C., on June 20, 2022 * * * Art is dangerous.
It is one of the attractions: when it ceases to be dangerous you don’t want it. Duke Ellington Amid the controversy of Dave Chappelle’s Netflix release “The Close... |
1686242946-410 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue – SNL (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-monologue-snl-2022-transcript/ | Original air date: November 12, 2022 * * * Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Chappelle. [Cheers and applause] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Thank you. Thank you very much for being here. Before I start tonight, I just wanted to read a brief statement that I prepared. [Laughter] “I denounce anti-Semitism in all its forms.” [Laughter] “And I stand ... |
1686242950-411 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Jefferies: High n’ Dry (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-high-n-dry-transcript/ | Please welcome to the stage, Jim Jefferies! Hello, Toronto. Alright. Alright, look at this. We’re all out. No more fucking masks! I hated the masks. I’ll tell you who’s gonna miss the masks: chicks with good bodies but shit faces. Haven’t they been getting away with murder the entire pandemic? In Australia, we call the... |
1686242954-412 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Papa: What A Day! (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-what-a-day-transcript/ | Premiered on December 13, 2022 Ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for Tom Papa! Thank you very much. Look at you. Look at you, still alive. Good job. I’m proud of you. Oh, thank you so much for that. This is so nice to be here. We’re gonna have a good time, I hope. They say these are very exciting times. They are. Some p... |
1686242958-413 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chelsea Handler: Evolution (2020) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chelsea-handler-evolution-transcript/ | Join me in welcoming the author of six number one “New York Times” bestselling books, the star of “Chelsea”, “Chelsea Does”, “Chelsea Lately” and “Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” Please put your hands together for Chelsea Handler. Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this... |
1686242962-414 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Marc Maron: Thinky Pain (2013) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-thinky-pain-transcript/ | [siren wailing] I don’t know what you were thinking. Like, I’m not nervous, really. All I’m thinking is–I think it looks good out there. I think I’ve got– it was a good choice to do it in that small venue. I didn’t want a theater, because that doesn’t seem to be where you do comedy, running back and forth, trying to be... |
1686242966-415 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-selective-outrage-transcript/ | [slow instrumental music playing] [funk drums playing] [indistinct chatter] [man] Let’s go! [hip-hop music playing] [audience cheering] [Chris Rock] She said, “$300, I’ll do anything you want.” I said, “Bitch, paint my house.” We don’t need the death penalty! We got the tossed salad man! ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000... |
1686242970-416 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-razzle-dazzle-transcript/ | [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Bert Kreischer! [audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [audience continues cheering] [audience cheering and applauding] Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You look beautiful, sir. [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. [man w... |
1686242976-417 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Marc Maron: From Bleak to Dark (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-from-bleak-to-dark-transcript/ | Legendary comedian and podcaster Marc Maron stars in his first-ever HBO comedy special filmed in front of a live audience at New York City’s Town Hall. Over the course of a personal and provocative hour, Maron tackles such topics as getting older, antisemitism and faith, and his thoughts on having children – especially... |
1686242980-418 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kathleen Madigan: Hunting Bigfoot (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-hunting-bigfoot-transcript/ | [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [CROWD CHEERING] Wow. Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Wow. Thank you so much. Yeah, it’s so fun to be back in Denver. I’ve been coming here for 150,000 years and I’m never bored. There’s always something to do and that is not the case every week on the road. No. Just not long ago, I was in this t... |
1686242983-419 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | John Mulaney: Baby J (2023) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-baby-j-transcript/ | [John Mulaney] The past couple years, I’ve done a lot of work on myself. And I’ve realized that I’ll be fine as long as I get constant attention. [laughter] I do. I love attention. I always wanted attention. [laughter] When I was a little kid, I didn’t get enough attention. I was the third of four kids. I have an older... |
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