text stringlengths 21 2k | source stringlengths 11 53 |
|---|---|
Knock knock Who's there? Not victoria | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face. By taking down the Christmas tree. | reddit/r/jokes(score=17) |
{'question': 'When Math majors graduate', 'response': 'Do they get degrees or radians'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Told my dad about watching Friends on Netflix... Replies with: "It's better than watching enemies on netflix." | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico? Because they couldn't find a virgin or three wise men. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'When does a joke become a “dad” joke', 'response': 'When the punchline is a parent'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I was so poor, my rich aunt died; in the will, I owed her twenty dollars. | mined:cinemablend.com / Rodney Dangerfield standup |
I would tell you all about my jokes about unemployment **but none of them work** | reddit/r/jokes(score=46) |
Are you a toaster? Because I wanna get in the bath with you | reddit/r/jokes(score=56) |
You ever told yourself to get out of bed and yourself didn't listen. You was like it's time to go on and get out of bed. now I'ma go on and get out of bed now. I'ma lay here ten more minutes and get my shit together ten more minutes When your body has given the fuck up. You start getting older. you gotta change shit. I... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': 'What do u call someone who steals creams from others', 'response': 'A creaminal'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
a blonde and an african walked into a bar, the african said he did a lot of hardwork to come to the states the blonde agreed!! | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to US. The keyboard adds an extra pound', 'response': '£'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
An english boat in german waters An english boat is sailing in German waters and the captain says to the coastguards "I'm sinking I'm sinking!". And the coastguard says "What are you sinking about?" | reddit/r/jokes(score=29) |
{'question': 'My friend asked to borrow some chloroform', 'response': 'I told him to knock himself out'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem... The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders." The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is the best part about fingering a gypsy while on her period? | reddit/r/jokes(score=35) |
My girlfriend is the square root of -100 A solid 10 but also imaginary. | reddit/r/jokes(score=75) |
What's the difference between a burger and a burglar? Cooking times. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I know 5 people who are clinically insane I'm two of them... | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's? Shakespeare (say it out loud) | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why couldn’t the dragon get a boner? He had a reptile dysfunction | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Justin Bieber's career died for your sins. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why do the /r/jokes moderators like chess? It's the only chance they have to mate. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. | reddit/r/jokes(score=12) |
Why should you slow down to let another car move into your lane? good karma. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year... You will still be just as single as when you started the movie. | reddit/r/jokes(score=143) |
What is a mixture of Hulk and Captain America called? Star-Spangled Banner. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do English pirates call each other? M80 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why does John Snow wear a Rolex ? Because he's a man of the nice watch | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I'm excited for the Supreme Court to finally let us know if gay people are human beings. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whats the difference between being hungry and horny? Depends where you put the cucumber | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What did the italian man with dementia have for dinner? Forgetti Bolognese. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
*rubs magic lamp*rubs harder and faster*genie semen sprays everywhere* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the coffee taste like mud? Because it was ground | reddit/r/jokes(score=22) |
My wife said "why do you always treat me like a cunt?" I didn't know what to say, so I just put 2 fingers in her mouth and licked her nose. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"Your son's been involved in a shenanigan" What kinda shenanigans? "It was just one shenanigan" You called me down here for one shenanigan? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did you see the article about Apple buying large, popular websites? Yeah, iReddit. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Disaste. Phew, that almost spelled disaster. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Is that a phone pillow? Let me see that. Hold on, You can bring it here. You can bring it here. Come here. This is only gift I'm taking on stage. by the way, It's so cute. Where'd you get this? Also, you're tall And you have braces- Very cute. Why don't you call me when you get lonely on tour? I can call you when I get... | tiktok_standup |
I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they're causing all new problems. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Oh my god, I can't see this. Okay, friendship test. What was the theme of my bar mitzvah? That's a good one. What's another sound that I make that I should be making in a scene when I don't have dialogue? Well, sometimes you do have dialogue and instead of the dialogue, you just call: Oh my god, I can't see this guy. W... | tiktok_standup |
What are the best white people jokes you have? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
An American woman went to a Hindu wedding in India... and bought some traditional clothing to wear to it. When she got to the wedding, she saw another guest wearing the same thing she was, and was very upset. "I can't believe I traveled halfway around the world, and someone wore the same dress as I did!", she cried. "S... | reddit/r/jokes(score=11) |
What do you call Asian quadruplets? 4chan | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I hear the inventor of auto correct died I didn't even know he was I'll | reddit/r/jokes(score=81) |
Are you having trouble finding your kids' name's on bottles of Coca Cola? Then I bet you wish you'd given them proper names instead of thinking you were clever by calling them Lake and Destiny. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Typical Kanye West If Kanye West would become a president wouldn't we all be living in Wild West? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window? He wanted to see a waterfall. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad golfer goes *WHACK* "shit" Bad skydiver goes "shit" *WHACK* | reddit/r/jokes(score=165) |
There's a horse in our front yard! Husband says to his wife. Honey look out the window, there is a horse in the front yard. She replies: that's no horse, that's a cow! Honey, I said look out the window, not in the mirror. | reddit/r/jokes(score=33) |
So I go to the kitchen and this is what I find on the counter. I have never in my life seen anyone cut an avocado this way through the seed. Hi, Can you explain to me your method for cutting this avocado this way? Usually we cut it lengthwise. That way we don't have to cut through the seed, You don't have to saw throug... | tiktok_standup |
Why did the Mexican take Xannax? Hispanic Attacks | reddit/r/jokes(score=28) |
You know how you'll see something a million times, but can't find it when you need it? That's why I stopped buying condoms. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I would like a warm hound please "Excuse me?" A flaming puppy "..." Fire canine "Do you want a hot dog, ma'am?" Yes. A scorching pooch | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Even though the country is called Iceland, its winters are actually quite mild. Guess they should have called it Chile | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Chuck Norris VS Superman Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I used to be a banker... But I lost interest in the job | Maximofn/short-jokes |
"Daddy, why is it dark at night?" It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process | Maximofn/short-jokes |
For those possibly wondering why the popularity of the emo movement disappeared If your social group is defined by a suicidal nature, don't expect it to last a long time | Maximofn/short-jokes |
you doing? you look like you baptized children. are you dead? are you an angel? why you dressed like that? you should get the whole outfit. they need to see her legs. you look like you underwater and you're not underwater. you look like you in a stream of baptized, pressed down, shaken together, anointed children. are ... | tiktok_standup |
{'question': "Just about to eat my soup when. I notice a fly struggling amidst the beef and potatoes. Ew. Me: Dad, what's this fly doing in my soup. Dad walks over, looks over my shoulder at the bowl, and says, Seems to me he's practicing his backstroke. Dad laughs; I groan", 'response': 'The cycle of unending dad joke... | shuttie/dadjokes |
Totally done with the history channel... Nothing but repeats. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
LAWYER: Your Honor, I'd like to approach the bench BENCH: I have a boyfriend | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Currently eating organic raspberries that I didn't wash over my kitchen sink, in case any ladies out there dig the whole "bad boy" persona. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said... >“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.” I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?! I’ve had thieves take my b... | reddit/r/jokes(score=96) |
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Her: Oh no, I've lost my jacket.. Me: *appears from the shadows* (whispers) you left it at the restaurant *slinks back into the shadows* | Maximofn/short-jokes |
I asked the bookstore clerk if he had Trump’s new book on border security. He said “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!” I replied, “ Yes- that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?” | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
What do you call two Caucasian fellows in a box? Saltines. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'How do chickens overthrow their leader', 'response': 'They stage a coop'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend whispered, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted, “Just ignore them.” | reddit/r/jokes(score=37) |
The doctor gave me 1 month to live So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car... A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!" | reddit/r/jokes(score=16) |
What do you call a Deer with... No eyes?: **No idea** No eyes and no legs?: **Still no idea** No eyes and no legs, having sex? **Still f*cking no idea** And where do you find it? **Where you left it** | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "In case your bicycle stops pedalling all of a sudden there's a simple reason for it", 'response': "It's too tired"} | shuttie/dadjokes |
{'question': 'I used to hate beards', 'response': 'But then it grew on me'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Who is Victor? Why is he allowed to write history books when he's so unreliable? | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched. | reddit/r/jokes(score=29101) |
A guy came to me at the bar the other day and said "Hey bartender, I don't have much money so give me a cheap shot!" . . I told him "your mom is ugly and your breathe stinks" | Maximofn/short-jokes |
You know what's good about pirate hookers? You can splooge in her good eye and run away without paying. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Just saw the coolest magic trick! Ticketmaster turned a $15 concert ticket into $38.95 | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': 'Took my ten year old to the dentist', 'response': 'The dentist told me he had a tooth decade'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
Your mother has terrible taste in children. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee. | reddit/r/jokes(score=20) |
{'question': 'If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up', 'response': '1GB'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
What's the name of the strongest duck out there? PSYtama. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
But she's just too hard-headed. A stay-at-home mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops. With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter, I'm a survivor. | tiktok_standup |
"Sir, I need you to explain your resume." Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters "Current job?" I pee on things I don't like | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do you call 64 white guys in one room One full Cherokee | reddit/r/jokes(score=15) |
Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I'm like right here D: you hear something? | Maximofn/short-jokes |
{'question': "Wife locked me out. Was going out to the garage to grab a soda, and as I'm passing my wife, she asks if I want a piece of cheese she's cutting up. I reply with I Quess-so", 'response': 'Got the best eye roll ever, go out, grab my soda, and when I get back to the garage door, she totally locked it lol'} | shuttie/dadjokes |
I hear mushrooms are good for your social life. They'll make you a really fungi. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What do creationists and neutron stars have in common? Density | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Did anyone hear about the fat priest? He never exorcised. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
What is reddit's favorite song? "Karma Police" by Radiohead. | Maximofn/short-jokes |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.