text stringlengths 9 4.09k |
|---|
‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer #~# LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Blac... |
Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden’s Home Garage #~# Aides to President Joe Biden discovered at least one additional batch of classified documents in his home garage in Delaware. What do you think? |
Trump Condemns Courts For Forcing His Already Cash-Strapped Supporters To Pay $1.6 Million Tax Fraud Fine #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Declaring the penalty extreme and unjust, Donald Trump condemned the New York courts Friday for forcing his already cash-strapped supporters to pay a $1.6 million fine for tax fraud. “It is wron... |
Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, ... |
Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend. |
Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker #~# After 15 votes and multiple days of negotiations, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) finally won his bid to become speaker of the House. The Onion examines what concessions McCarthy had to make. |
Logan Paul Challenges Abandoned Pet Pig To Boxing Match #~# DORADO, PUERTO RICO—Vowing to put the animal in her place “once and for all,” internet personality and professional wrestler Logan Paul publicly challenged his former pet pig Pearl to a boxing match on Friday. “I heard you’ve been oinking a lot of shit about m... |
Nursing Home Keeps Elderly Residents Active By Shooting At Their Feet #~# WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun a... |
New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign #~# New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think? |
Kamala Harris Pops By Office To Print Out Concert Tickets #~# WASHINGTON—Peeking around corners and ducking past doorways in an effort to get in and out of her workplace unseen, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly popped by the Eisenhower Executive Office Building late Wednesday to print out concert tickets. Upon c... |
Dr. Scholl’s Increases Brand Awareness By Planting Products In Customers’ Purses And Claiming They Stole It #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to boost brand awareness among crucial demographic groups, Dr. Scholl’s confirmed Thursday that they would start planting their foot care products in customers’ bags and just claiming ... |
Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years #~# The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top age... |
Every Lie George Santos Has Told About His Life Thus Far #~# Rep. George Santos (R-NY) has repeatedly misrepresented his achievements, his career, and his heritage both before and during his time as an elected official. Here is every lie he’s told the public about his life so far. |
Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain #~# Copyrights on works from 1927, including Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story collection The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, have expired, making the works open to the public to legally share, perform, reuse, repurpose, or sample without permission or cost. What do you think? |
Dog Worried He Always One Initiating Petting #~# SAN RAMON, CA—Observing that it was somehow on him every time to roll over and nudge his owner’s hand with his snout, local canine Peanut reportedly expressed concern Thursday that he was always the one to initiate petting. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but just one... |
Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song #~# Rapper Dr. Dre has sent a cease-and-desist letter to U.S. politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, after she used his song “Still D.R.E.” in a promotional video. What do you think? |
Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now #~# WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Port... |
Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silenci... |
Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds #~# A recently released United Nations assessment found that the hole in the Earth’s protective ozone layer is on track to fully mend by 2066, following measures taken by world governments in the late 1980s to phase out ozone-depleting substances. What do you think? |
Mortuary Cosmetologist Opts To Give Client More Natural Decomposing Look #~# GALLATIN, TN—Citing the adage “less is more,” mortuary cosmetologist Rhonda Greenfield opted Wednesday to give her client at Bradford Funeral Home a more natural decomposing look for his upcoming open-casket viewing. “Corpses can look so overd... |
Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough #~# BOSTON—In an effort to keep things as stilted as possible, local man Terrence Williams told reporters he had memorized several awkward remarks for a first date Wednesday night in case it wasn’t going uncomfortably enough. “I always l... |
Signs Someone Is Catfishing You #~# With the significant increase in deceptive activity online, The Onion provides a handy guide to determine if someone is catfishing you. |
Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive #~# LINCOLN, NE—Noting the low attack rates among modern corn, a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Nebraska found that early humans selectively bred corn to be less aggressive. “Though ingenuity and careful breeding, early Nat... |
Bird Claims Its Mother Makes The Best Vomit In The World #~# DOTHAN, AL—Offering accolades for the homemade puke it grew up eating, a local barn swallow told reporters Friday that its mother made the best vomit in the world. “I know everyone says this, but no one can regurgitate like my mom does,” said the migratory so... |
Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil’s Congress #~# Supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro who refuse to accept his election defeat stormed Congress, the Supreme Court, and presidential palace in the capital, a week after the inauguration of his leftist rival, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. What do ... |
High School Teaches Co-Parenting Skills By Having Students Fight Over Who Gets Egg For Weekend #~# CALUMET, OK—In an effort to prepare the teenagers for the reality of rearing children, students at Calumet High School were reportedly learning co-parenting skills Tuesday by fighting over who got to take their egg home f... |
Woman Will Never Know Intimacy Like Passing Garbage Truck Drivers Slowing Down To Point At Each Other #~# HARTFORD, CT—Overcome with quiet melancholy as she witnessed the profound tenderness of the exchange, area woman Camille Rossner reportedly realized Tuesday that she would never know an intimacy like that of two pa... |
Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You #~# No amount of rent reduction is worth sharing an apartment with someone like you. Here are telltale signs your roommate actually hates you. |
Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting #~# Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think? |
Explosive Prince Harry Memoir Reveals William Used Too Much Tongue When They Kissed #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Divulging that the interactions with his brother often got physical, a passage leaked Monday from Spare, the explosive new memoir by Prince Harry, revealed that Prince William used far too much tongue whenever the ... |
Brazilians Terrified That Riot Could Lead To Tedious Congressional Hearings #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—In the wake of a pro-Bolsonaro mob storming the nation’s capital, Brazilians expressed terror Monday that the riot could lead to years of tedious congressional hearings. “Oh God, we’re going to have to sit through month a... |
McCarthy Elected Speaker After Far-Right GOP Minority Joins Rest Of Far-Right GOP Majority #~# WASHINGTON—Following a tense four days in Congress’ lower chamber that saw members of his own party vote to deny him the top spot 14 straight times, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was elected speaker of the House early Saturday m... |
Man Has Real Thing For Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Aryans Of Pure Breeding Stock #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying that the heart wants what the heart wants, local man Ross Weber told reporters Monday that he had a real thing for blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans of pure breeding stock. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s someth... |
Couple Loses Life Savings After Getting Scammed Into Having Baby At Hospital #~# CLEVELAND—Representing just one couple among millions who fall prey to the scam every year, Annalise and Patrick Callahan confirmed Monday they had lost their life savings after getting tricked into having their baby at the hospital. “Thes... |
Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report #~# HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfu... |
CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek #~# While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said. |
Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design #~# AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This... |
On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I... |
What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5 #~# Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5. |
What To Say If You Catch Your Partner Watching Pornography #~# Catching your partner watching porn can be incredibly embarrassing. Fortunately, The Onion has provided a list of the perfect things to say to address the situation. |
Man At Gym Listening To Pump-Up Playlist To Get Courage To Take Off Shirt In Locker Room #~# BOSTON—Putting his headphones over his ears and taking a deep breath, local man Dalton Griffith was reportedly listening to his pump-up playlist at the gym Friday to get the courage to take off his shirt in the locker room. “I ... |
Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it seemed like something he was supposed to do given his level of income and public renown, local celebrity Chris Hemsworth was reportedly thinking Friday about getting his pilot’s license. “I was just wondering what I should do now that I have a ... |
Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon #~# The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called “blasphemous communications on social media” and “persistent disobedience” after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on two s... |
Vatican Funeral Ends With Ritual Eating Of Pope Benedict’s Body #~# VATICAN CITY—In a requiem mass that followed strict liturgical protocol for a deceased head of the Roman Catholic Church, the funeral of Pope Benedict XVI reportedly concluded Thursday with the ritual eating of the former pontiff’s body. “Father, into ... |
Incredibly Productive House Of Representatives Assembles For 8th Vote In Just 3 Days #~# WASHINGTON—Defying speculation that the 118th Congress would get little accomplished during its term, the incredibly productive House of Representatives assembled Thursday for its eighth vote in just three days. “Less than 72 hours... |
Onion Sports’ NFL Week 18 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 18 games. |
How The House Speaker Is Elected #~# With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is electe... |
Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool #~# AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might ... |
Favorite Snack In Every State #~# Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state. |
Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer’s Disease #~# A study has found that the brains of some stranded dolphins showed classic markers of human Alzheimer’s disease, supporting the theory that “mass strandings” occur when one animal becomes confused and leads their pod into dangerously shallow waters. What do y... |
Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE #~# NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you leagu... |
Biggest Things People Hate About ‘Wife Guys’ #~# “Wife guys,” a term that has grown in popularity on social media, is used to describe men who base their entire personalities on being married to their wives. Here are the biggest things people hate about wife guys. |
Neurologists Confirm Nightmares Persist After Death #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on what happens to humans after they die, a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Neurology found that the nightmares will never cease, not even in death. “For decades, the consensus among scientists was that once life ended,... |
Kyler Murray Doing Everything Possible To Get Back On Xbox Live #~# GLENDALE, AZ—After receiving surgery to repair a torn ACL, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray reportedly vowed Wednesday that he was doing everything possible to get back on Xbox Live. “It’s been really difficult not to be out there competing i... |
New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits #~# New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you think? |
Fetterman Struggling To Adapt To Size Of Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—Banging his head against the top of the dome in the rotunda, newly sworn-in Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) told reporters Wednesday he was struggling to adapt to the size of the Capitol Building. “I didn’t think the transition from small-town Pennsylv... |
James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book #~# Bestselling author James Patterson is set to complete an unfinished manuscript by the late Michael Crichton, a story in which the imminent eruption of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano threatens a secret cache of deadly chemical weapons. What do you think? |
NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football #~# NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that t... |
Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in o... |
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits #~# While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said. |
Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime #~# TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Despite being the defining creat... |
France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25 #~# French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think? |
Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss knows best. “Our CEO knows exactly what’s right for company... |
White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52 #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Americans have made it clear they want to see younger leadership in the White House, and they’... |
Man Walking Dog Will Be Judge Of What Warrants Sniffing #~# BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly anno... |
Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly #~# CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from ... |
Biblical Archaeologists Uncover 2,000-Year-Old Poster-Board Photo Collage Displayed At Jesus’ Funeral #~# JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the events that transpired after the crucifixion of the religious figure, biblical archaeologists from the University of Oxford announced Monday they had uncovered a 2,000-year-old p... |
World’s Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000 #~# A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think? |
REI Introduces Fleece Supplements To Insulate Digestive Tract #~# KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time... |
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk #~# If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say. |
New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes #~# New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think? |
E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights #~# The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think? |
NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player #~# WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that the crew, which dro... |
12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé #~# LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year employmen... |
Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legal... |
Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor #~# DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “M... |
FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that it was important to always stay vigilant but not freak out about them or anything, the FBI released a list Tuesday of the 10 weirdest people who are actually harmless once you get to know them. “A... |
Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites #~# CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again. |
Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal... |
Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth #~# Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. ... |
Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States #~# Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said. |
Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have t... |
Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash #~# Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day read... |
Cheap Nation Falling Apart #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of incidents that called the country’s infrastructure quality into question, multiple sources reportedly confirmed on Monday that the cheap nation is falling apart. “Pretty much everything in this country is coming apart at the seams,” said Tempe, AZ sec... |
Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Letting out a sigh as he buried his head in his hands, the Dalai Lama reportedly was worried Monday that there was nothing more to life than feeling a deep connection with all existence. “Wait, so all ... |
Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look dif... |
Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, info... |
What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies #~# Even as Fox News anchors peddled lies about the 2020 election, newly revealed text messages reveal they privately mocked the 45th president and his false claims. According to the latest Dominion Voting Systems filing, here’s what Fox News anchors said... |
One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods #~# A new poll found that one in eight adults between the ages of 50 and 80 reported signs of addiction to highly processed foods, with symptoms including intense cravings, inability to cut down intake despite a desire to do so, and signs of withdrawal. What... |
Problematic Friend Argues That Kanye Makes Some Good Points About Shoes #~# CHICAGO—Causing everyone in the conversation to feel awkward about his concerning statements, sources confirmed Monday that their problematic friend began arguing that controversial rapper and designer Kanye West actually made some good points ... |
Week In Review: February 26, 2023 #~# It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible |
Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots #~# TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home i... |
Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards #~# A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think? |
War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about ... |
Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie #~# HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes... |
Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S. #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest nuclear arsena... |
Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked #~# U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Me... |
Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor #~# Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor. |
Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I ... |
Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire #~# MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time ... |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.