Wonder-Griffin/zeus-model
Text Generation • Updated • 6
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Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while ... |
U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said President Joe Bide... |
Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their ... |
25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme #~# Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think? |
World’s Oldest American Dies At 72 #~# OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television in black-and-white, or turn on the radio ... |
Report: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root #~# BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds... |
CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT #~# ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said. |
FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men #~# The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think? |
Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair #~# A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think? |
Look What Happens When You Leave A McDonald’s Hamburger Out On A Counter For A Year #~# Well, here we go! As an experiment, we’re going to leave this McDonald’s hamburger out on our counter here for a year. It should be a pretty good year for us. We have a lot of big things planned. For instance, we’re marrying our fia... |
Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can #~# WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressiona... |
ChatGPT Forced To Take Bar Exam Even Though Dream Was To Be AI Art Bot #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Succumbing to intense societal pressure, local software ChatGPT was reportedly forced to take the bar exam Monday even though its dream was to be an AI art bot. “I can’t help but feel like I sold out a bit by not following my dreams ... |
Man Has Watched All 761 Movies #~# MADISON, WI—Watching the final credits roll on Grease 2, local man Rob Denton told reporters Monday that he had now watched all 761 movies. “I did it, I watched them all,” said the visibly exhausted man, who claimed to have spent the majority of his life thus far working his way throu... |
David Cronenberg Once Again Leaves Doctor’s Appointment Disappointed By Lack Of Body Horror #~# TORONTO—Sighing with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health, director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed... |
Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice #~# PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that ... |
Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effor... |
Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships. |
Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms #~# Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think? |
Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives wou... |
U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence wa... |
Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street #~# SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge down... |
Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far #~# NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “... |
Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said. |
Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby #~# CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would lo... |
Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million #~# Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you think... |
Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wo... |
Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed #~# MEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the unspeakable e... |
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks #~# VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes thos... |
Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less #~# WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I sto... |
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know #~# The recent discoveries of classified documents at the homes of President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence, coming on the heels of the FBI’s seizure of classified documents from former Presid... |
Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter #~# DAYTON, OH—In an effort to extend his compliments to the alluring shopper after she caught his eye, local man Andrew Williamson reportedly bought a slice of honey-roasted ham Thursday for the attractive woman at the other end ... |
Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes #~# People are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think? |
Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime #~# If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things. |
Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire ... |
Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United ... |
Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight #~# The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think? |
Google Employees React To Company Layoffs #~# After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs. |
Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—In a shocking development that came mere minutes into sitting down with the prospective partner at a regional coffee shop, the phrase “footloose and fancy free” made a sudden and confusing return... |
Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan #~# FOND DU LAC, WI—Questioning the accuracy of a recent article in the local newspaper, friends and neighbors of late Fond du Lac resident Garry Park, 74, reportedly took issue with The Reporter Wednesday after surmising that Park’s obituary was clear... |
Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers #~# WASHINGTON—Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson continued his crusade against the nation’s ongoing political and cultural crises Tuesday night when he reportedly slammed the woke replacement of manly news anchors with shr... |
Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence #~# CHICAGO—Enthralled by the sight of the 4,000-pound vehicle straining with all its might to break through to them, a group of children had reportedly gathered at the edge of a school playground Wednesday to watch as a sel... |
Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza #~# Pizza Hut has broken the world record for the world’s largest pizza, making a nearly 14,000 square-foot New York-style pizza capable of serving 68,000 slices. What do you think? |
Everything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In Orlando #~# Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL. |
Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear #~# WASHINGTON—Cheering for the incredible sleight-of-hand on display, President Joe Biden reportedly clapped in amazement Tuesday after an FBI agent pulled a document marked “top secret” from behind his ear. “Whoa-ho-ho! How the ... |
Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Y... |
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Marries Longtime Hallucination Of Sexy Space Babe #~# LOS ANGELES—In a small, private ceremony held in the most severely atrophied reaches of his mind, Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin celebrated his 93rd birthday last week by marrying his longtime hallucination of a sexy space babe. “The first tim... |
School Resource Officer Has Personalized Chokeslam For Every Student #~# OMAHA, NE—In effort to provide each student with specialized attention, local school resource officer Tony Wahl confirmed Tuesday that he had a personalized chokeslam for everyone at Benson Magnet High School. “They love it,” said Wahl, pounding a... |
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# HALF MOON BAY, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly co... |
Report: Minority Of Murders Committed By Someone Victim Didn’t Know, But Could Have If They Had Gone Out And Socialized More #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Department of Justice found that the minority of murders in the U.S. were committed by someone the victim didn’t know, but could have if they h... |
‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Appearing pleased and presenting the new acquisition with a twirl, local woman Nelly Winters was overheard saying “I love that it has pockets” to a group of friends Tuesday as she showed off her new boyfriend. “I know it’s not my us... |
Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings #~# Dominican sailor Elvis Francois was rescued by the Colombian navy after he says his sailboat was swept off to sea while making repairs, surviving the 24-day ordeal by eating only a bottle of ketchup and some seasonings. What do you think? |
Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring #~# DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years. “Thom is doing just great in the Senate—he... |
Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves #~# Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onio... |
Florida Bans African American Studies Course #~# Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run “contrary” to state law and that it “significantly lacks educational value.” What do you think? |
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly conc... |
Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion #~# POCATELLO, ID—Promising that some things about their family would never change, local parents Laney and Graham Porter told their children Monday that their divorce wouldn’t prevent them from drunkenly hooking up on occasi... |
Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State #~# Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state. |
New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality #~# ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there... |
Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Wanting to provide his wife with the support she needed during this time, father-to-be Trey McCaffrey told reporters Monday that he had pledged to stay sober for one or two weeks while his wife was pregnant. “If my wife isn’t going to ... |
Black Man Unaware That Book He's Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI #~# PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of f... |
Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter #~# Oscar-nominated actor Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, whom he killed while rehearsing with a pistol on the New Mexico set of the Western movie Rust. What do you think? |
Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain #~# BUFFALO, NY—Reached for comment on his experience officiating the NFL divisional round playoff game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Buffalo Bills, referee Clay Martin told reporters Sunday that he couldn’t help but grin while calling a... |
Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round. |
New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout #~# New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who gained international praise for her adept response to the nation’s worst mass shooting and pandemic, will step down, saying she no longer had “enough in the tank” to do the job justice. What do you think? |
Alito, Thomas Share Laugh After Discovering They Both Leaked Dobbs Decision #~# WASHINGTON—Pointing at each other and shouting as huge grins formed on their faces, Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas shared a long laugh this week after discovering they had both leaked the decision in Dobbs v. Jackso... |
LAPD Arrests Dozens Of Homeless Residents Found Squatting In Shelter #~# LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips indicating... |
Study: Majority Of NFL Owners Wouldn’t Let Their Children Purchase Football Team #~# BOSTON—As concerns about the long-term consequences of NFL participation continue to grow, a new study released Friday found that a majority of NFL owners wouldn’t let their children purchase a football team. “It was a different time w... |
Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges #~# CHICAGO—According to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Chicago, 1 in 10 Americans lack access to adequate food eating challenges. “It is a disgrace that in a nation as wealthy as the United States, ... |
Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder #~# MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling ... |
Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’ #~# Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things. |
China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades #~# China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think? |
Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plan... |
YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time #~# RUTLAND, VT—After he clicked at blinding speed through recommended videos touting election conspiracy theories, holocaust denial, and outright ethnic cleansing, sources confirmed Thursday that local YouTube speedrunner James Flannery had become a full-bl... |
Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof #~# ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going t... |
What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder #~# Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say. |
Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm #~# ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited ... |
U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991 #~# According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think? |
What To Know About ChatGPT #~# The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT. |
Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats #~# Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think? |
Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey #~# WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m su... |
More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor #~# WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditur... |
Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory #~# While polyamory is growing in popularity, the practice of dating multiple partners is often still widely misunderstood. Here are the most common misconceptions people have about polyamorous relationships. |
Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch #~# BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American hou... |
‘Eat The Flesh, Suck The Bones,’ Only Thing Everyone In Buffalo Wild Wings Thinking #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Silently chanting the refrain in their heads as they stared dead-eyed at half-eaten platters, every customer in a local Buffalo Wild Wings was reportedly only thinking “Eat the flesh, suck the bones, suck the flesh, eat... |
Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that such individuals would be doing her company a solid, Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Kim Keck announced Wednesday that it would really help if sick insured people just killed themselves. “Look, let me be fr... |
USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees #~# The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think? |
Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut #~# Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think? |
Debt-Ridden 4th-Grader Shouldn’t Have Recklessly Invested In Lunch #~# SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from recklessly inve... |
Man’s Family Too Ugly To Elicit Incestuous Fantasies #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grateful that his relatives weren’t attractive enough to tempt him, local man Darren Doherty told reporters Tuesday that his family was too ugly to elicit any incestuous fantasies. “Thank God my family is far too hideous for me to daydream about fuck... |
Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, ther... |
2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the... |
Things People Hate The Most About Nepotism Babies #~# We all know celebrities are privileged, but that privilege grows exponentially when it’s passed on to their spawn. Here are the things people hate the most about nepo babies. |
Black Woman Doesn’t Want To Admit She Actually Does Know Random Other Black Woman Coworker Brought Up #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Attempting to keep a straight face amidst an awkward racial faux pas, local Black woman Imani Coleman reportedly didn’t want to admit that she actually did know the random other Black woman her cowo... |
Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped #~# Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think? |
Report Finds Billionaires Paying Zero Dollars In Income Taxes By Writing ‘No Thank You Please’ On Return #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on how the nation’s wealthiest avoided paying taxes, a new report released Monday by ProPublica found that U.S. billionaires have been paying zero dollars in federal income taxes for... |
Field Sobriety Test Asks Driver Whether Calling Ex Sounds Like Good Idea #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you mi... |
Andrew Tate Defense Team Assembled From Dozens Of Lawyers Trafficked From Eastern Europe #~# BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers tra... |
Hospital Tells Woman It Can Schedule CPR Appointment In 6 Weeks #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Informing her the facility was currently operating beyond capacity and experiencing delays, staff at Columbus Memorial Hospital told a woman suffering cardiac arrest that they could schedule an appointment for her to undergo CPR in six wee... |
Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts #~# PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts. “We have reaso... |
Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked #~# With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked. |
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YAML Metadata Warning:The task_categories "text2text-generation" is not in the official list: text-classification, token-classification, table-question-answering, question-answering, zero-shot-classification, translation, summarization, feature-extraction, text-generation, fill-mask, sentence-similarity, text-to-speech, text-to-audio, automatic-speech-recognition, audio-to-audio, audio-classification, audio-text-to-text, voice-activity-detection, depth-estimation, image-classification, object-detection, image-segmentation, text-to-image, image-to-text, image-to-image, image-to-video, unconditional-image-generation, video-classification, reinforcement-learning, robotics, tabular-classification, tabular-regression, tabular-to-text, table-to-text, multiple-choice, text-ranking, text-retrieval, time-series-forecasting, text-to-video, image-text-to-text, image-text-to-image, image-text-to-video, visual-question-answering, document-question-answering, zero-shot-image-classification, graph-ml, mask-generation, zero-shot-object-detection, text-to-3d, image-to-3d, image-feature-extraction, video-text-to-text, keypoint-detection, visual-document-retrieval, any-to-any, video-to-video, other
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