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humor-greats-public-domain

author stringclasses 8 values	book_title stringclasses 8 values	gutenberg_id int64 972 34k	year int64 1.86k 1.92k	text stringlengths 9 1.07k	char_count int64 30 1.07k	line_count int64 1 15
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton this season?" he inquired.	116	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Don't believe I have," answered the other.	43	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Well, they have decided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking," rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune otherwise expended in wages."	238	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is beginning to work smoothly, a lot of you fool northerners will come tearing down here and set 'em free."	177	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living."	71	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."	40	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making his way carefully, as was also a woman going in the opposite direction. In seeking to avoid each other, both slipped and they came down in a ...	444	7
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Doctor, if you will be kind enough to rise and pick out your legs, I will take what remains," she said cheerfully.	115	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Help! Help!" cried an Italian laborer near the mud flats of the Harlem river.	78	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"What's the matter there?" came a voice from the construction shanty.	69	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Queek! Bringa da shov'! Bringa da peek! Giovanni's stuck in da mud."	69	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"No, no! He no canna walk! He wronga end up!"	45	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	There once was a lady from Guam, Who said, "Now the sea is so calm I will swim, for a lark"; But she met with a shark. Let us now sing the ninetieth psalm.	169	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	BRICKLAYER (to mate, who had just had a hodful of bricks fall on his feet)--"Dropt 'em on yer toe! That's nothin'. Why, I seen a bloke get killed stone dead, an' 'e never made such a bloomin' fuss as you're doin'."	214	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	A preacher had ordered a load of hay from one of his parishioners. About noon, the parishioner's little son came to the house crying lustily. On being asked what the matter was, he said that the load of hay had tipped over in the street. The preacher, a kindly man, assured the little fellow that it was nothing serious,...	348	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Pa wouldn't like it," said the boy.	36	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	But the preacher assured him that he would fix it all right with his father, and urged him to take dinner before going for the hay. After dinner the boy was asked if he were not glad that he had stayed.	202	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Pa won't like it," he persisted.	33	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	The preacher, unable to understand, asked the boy what made him think his father would object.	94	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Why, you see, pa's under the hay," explained the boy.	54	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	There was an old Miss from Antrim, Who looked for the leak with a glim. Alack and alas! The cause was the gas. We will now sing the fifty-fourth hymn.	164	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	There was a young lady named Hannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. More stars she espied As she lay on her side Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.	172	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	A gentleman sprang to assist her; He picked up her glove and her wrister; "Did you fall, Ma'am?" he cried; "Did you think," she replied, "I sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"	190	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	At first laying down, as a fact fundamental, That nothing with God can be accidental.	89	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Hopkinson Smith tells a characteristic story of a southern friend of his, an actor, who, by the way, was in the dramatization of _Colonel Carter_. On one occasion the actor was appearing in his native town, and remembered an old negro and his wife, who had been body servants in his father's household, with a couple of ...	634	10
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	After the play he asked them to come and see him behind the scenes. They sat together for a while in solemn silence, and then the mammy resolutely nudged her husband. The old man gathered himself together with an effort, and said: "Marse Cha'les, mebbe it ain' for us po' niggers to teach ouh young masser 'portment. But...	552	8
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	In a North of England town recently a company of local amateurs produced Hamlet, and the following account of the proceedings appeared in the local paper next morning:	167	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Last night all the fashionables and elite of our town gathered to witness a performance of _Hamlet_ at the Town Hall. There has been considerable discussion in the press as to whether the play was written by Shakespeare or Bacon. All doubt can be now set at rest. Let their graves be opened; the one who turned over las...	343	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature.--_Shakespeare_.	143	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, To raise the genius, and to mend the heart; To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold, Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold-- For this the tragic muse first trod the stage.	234	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	An "Uncle Tom's Cabin" company was starting to parade in a small New England town when a big gander, from a farmyard near at hand waddled to the middle of the street and began to hiss.	184	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	One of the double-in-brass actors turned toward the fowl and angrily exclaimed:	79	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Don't be so dern quick to jump at conclusions. Wait till you see the show."--_K.A. Bisbee_.	92	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	When William H. Crane was younger and less discreet he had a vaunting ambition to play _Hamlet_. So with his first profits he organized his own company and he went to an inland western town to give vent to his ambition and "try it on."	235	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	When he came back to New York a group of friends noticed that the actor appeared to be much downcast.	101	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"What's the matter, Crane? Didn't they appreciate it?" asked one of his friends.	80	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"They didn't seem to," laconically answered the actor.	54	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Well, didn't they give any encouragement? Didn't they ask you to come before the curtain?" persisted the friend.	113	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Ask me?" answered Crane. "Man, they dared me!"	47	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	LEADING MAN IN TRAVELING COMPANY--"We play _Hamlet_ to-night, laddie, do we not?"	81	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	SUB-MANAGER--"Yes, Mr. Montgomery."	35	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	LEADING MAN--"Then I must borrow the sum of two-pence!"	55	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	LEADING MAN--"I have four days' growth upon my chin. One cannot play _Hamlet_ in a beard!"	90	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	SUB-MANAGER--"Um--well--we'll put on Macbeth!"	46	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	HE--"But what reason have you for refusing to marry me?"	56	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	SHE--"Papa objects. He says you are an actor."	46	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	HE-"Give my regards to the old boy and tell him I'm sorry he isn't a newspaper critic."	87	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain, had died to slow music.	94	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.	55	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	But the audience still insisted.	32	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.	70	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Ladies an' gintlemen," he said, "the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he says he's dead, an' he's goin to stay dead."	114	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Mrs. Minnie Maddern Fiske, the actress, was having her hair dressed by a young woman at her home. The actress was very tired and quiet, but a chance remark from the dresser made her open her eyes and sit up.	207	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"I should have went on the stage," said the young woman complacently.	69	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"But," returned Mrs. Fiske, "look at me--think how I have had to work and study to gain what success I have, and win such fame as is now mine!"	143	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Oh, yes," replied the young woman calmly; "but then I have talent."	68	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Orlando Day, a fourth-rate actor in London, was once called, in a sudden emergency, to supply the place of Allen Ainsworth at the Criterion Theatre for a single night.	167	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	The call filled him with joy. Here was a chance to show the public how great a histrionic genius had remained unknown for lack of an opportunity. But his joy was suddenly dampened by the dreadful thought that, as the play was already in the midst of its run, none of the dramatic critics might be there to watch his triu...	324	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	A bright thought struck him. He would announce the event. Rushing to a telegraph office, he sent to one of the leading critics the following telegram: "Orlando Day presents Allen Ainsworth's part to-night at the Criterion."	223	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Then it occurred to him, "Why not tell them all?" So he repeated the message to a dozen or more important persons.	114	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	At a late hour of the same day, in the Garrick Club, a lounging gentleman produced one of the telegrams, and read it to a group of friends. A chorus of exclamations followed the reading: "Why, I got precisely the same message!" "And so did I." "And I, too." "Who is Orlando Day?" "What beastly cheek!" "Did the ass fancy...	367	6
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	J. M. Barrie, the famous author and playwright, who was present, was the only one who said nothing.	99	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Didn't he wire you too?" asked one of the group.	49	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"But of course you didn't answer."	34	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Oh, but it was only polite to send an answer after he had taken the trouble to wire me. So, of course, I answered him."	120	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Oh, I just telegraphed him: 'Thanks for timely warning.'"	58	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star! How I wonder if you are When at home the tender age You appear when on the stage.	120	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	To one slice of ham add assortment of roles. Steep the head in mash notes till it swells, Garnish with onions, tomatoes and beets, Or with eggs--from afar--in the shells.	182	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	A pound and three-quarters of kitten, Three ounces of flounces and sighs; Add wiggles and giggles and gurgles, And ringlets and dimples and eyes.	157	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"I know a nature-faker," said Mr. Bache, the author, "who claims that a hen of his last month hatched, from a setting of seventeen eggs, seventeen chicks that had, in lieu of feathers, fur.	189	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"He claimed that these fur-coated chicks were a proof of nature's adaptation of all animals to their environment, the seventeen eggs having been of the cold-storage variety."	174	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	In a large store a child, pointing to a shopper exclaimed, "Oh, mother, that lady lives the same place we do. I just heard her say, 'Send it up C.O.D.' Isn't that where we live?"	178	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	An Englishman went into his local library and asked for Frederic Harrison's _George Washington and other American Addresses_. In a little while he brought back the book to the librarian and said:	195	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"This book does not give me what I require; I want to find out the addresses of several American magnates; I know where George Washington has gone to, for he never told a lie."	176	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows:	96	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last evening I was served with a portion more than twice the size of this."	154	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Where did you sit?" asked the waiter.	38	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"What has that to do with it? I believe I sat by the window."	61	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"In that case," smiled the waiter, "the explanation is simple. We always serve customers by the window large portions. It's a good advertisement for the place."	160	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Advertising costs me a lot of money."	38	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Why I never saw your goods advertised."	40	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"They aren't. But my wife reads other people's ads."	52	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	When Mark Twain, in his early days, was editor of a Missouri paper, a superstitious subscriber wrote to him saying that he had found a spider in his paper, and asking him whether that was a sign of good luck or bad. The humorist wrote him this answer and printed it:	266	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Old subscriber: Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward."	294	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Good Heavens, man! I saw your obituary in this morning's paper!"	65	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Yes, I know. I put it in myself. My opera is to be produced to-night, and I want good notices from the critics."--_C. Hilton Turvey_.	134	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Paderewski arrived in a small western town about noon one day and decided to take a walk in the afternoon. While strolling ling along he heard a piano, and, following the sound, came to a house on which was a sign reading:	222	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Miss Jones. Piano lessons 25 cents an hour."	45	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Pausing to listen he heard the young woman trying to play one of Chopin's nocturnes, and not succeeding very well.	114	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Paderewski walked up to the house and knocked. Miss Jones came to the door and recognized him at once. Delighted, she invited him in and he sat down and played the nocturne as only Paderewski can, afterward spending an hour in correcting her mistakes. Miss Jones thanked him and he departed.	291	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Some months afterward he returned to the town, and again took the same walk.	76	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	He soon came to the home of Miss Jones, and, looking at the sign, he read:	74	2
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Miss Jones. Piano lessons $1.00 an hour. (Pupil of Paderewski.)"	65	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be passing Daly's Theatre, and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a billboard covered with laudatory extracts from newspaper ...	343	5
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the corner of his eye.	146	3
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Say, have you seen this show?" he asked.	41	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Sure," replied the young man.	30	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?"	45	1
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Any good?" repeated the young man pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my life."	220	4
Herbert L. Fanning	Toaster's Handbook	12,444	1,914	"Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy hopefully.	47	1

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Humor Greats

Short humorous texts -- jokes, aphorisms, quips, anecdotes -- extracted from public-domain humor collections on Project Gutenberg. All source texts are pre-1929 and public domain in the US. Intended as a reference set of "gold" humorous writing for evaluation, few-shot prompting, and stylistic study.

19,354 entries across 8 books, spanning two clear registers:

Concentrated wit (authored):

Book	Author	Entries
The Devil's Dictionary	Ambrose Bierce	852
Miscellaneous Aphorisms	Oscar Wilde	552
Quotations from Mark Twain	Mark Twain	121

Period joke / anecdote collections:

Book	Year	Entries
Toaster's Handbook	1914	5,528
More Toasts	1922	6,428
Jokes For All Occasions	1923	2,556
The Jest Book	1864	1,903
Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun	1907	1,414

The first register -- Bierce, Wilde, Twain -- is the densest "gold." The second contains classic Victorian and Edwardian jest-book material of mixed quality; use it as a reference for period humor style rather than as peak wit.

Schema

Column	Type	Description
`author`	string	Author or compiler
`book_title`	string	Source book
`gutenberg_id`	int	Project Gutenberg book ID
`year`	int	Publication year
`text`	string	The joke / aphorism / anecdote body
`char_count`	int	Character count
`line_count`	int	Non-blank line count

Source books

Parsing notes

Each book was split on blank-line paragraph boundaries after stripping Gutenberg front/back matter and skipping the first 4% of body (preface / table of contents). A paragraph was kept as an entry if: it was 1-15 lines, 30-1800 chars, started with an uppercase letter / quotation mark / digit, and did not look like a ToC or all-caps section header. Bierce entries additionally required the WORD, pos. dictionary-format header to filter out his prose interludes. Twain's file had a 12% ToC which was skipped explicitly.

Expect some noise:

The Jest Book and Toaster's Handbook style conventions (numbered sections with titles like "VIII.--BEARDING A BARBER") mean titles sometimes appear mixed into the body text.
Italic markers from the Gutenberg plaintext (_word_) are preserved as-is.
Mark Twain's quotations are formatted as single-line fragments in the source; the paragraph-based parser undercounts them.

Intended uses

Reference / few-shot prompting for humor generation.
Stylistic evaluation: "does this text read like Bierce? Wilde? a period joke book?"
Pairwise preference collection: "which of these two aphorisms is funnier / more in-voice?"
Training data for humor classifiers (period vs. modern, concentrated wit vs. punchline).

License

CC0 1.0 Universal -- all source texts are public domain. Parsing and curation are also released under CC0.

Citation

Source texts courtesy of Project Gutenberg. Curation by Yoonho Lee.

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