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wavs/babaru001.wav Oh, you're still here? Listen, between you and me, and don't tell the marketing team this, but I actually wrote this whole thing myself. They think they're in charge, but I've been running this show since scene one. Why did you think there was so much confetti? Do you know how much that cost? babaru |
wavs/babaru002.wav Oh great, my biggest fan. You come here often? Ugh, you're leaking! Design feature or a bug? Whoa, whoa, personal space! Help! I'm not a chew toy! This isn't how it ends! babaru |
wavs/babaru003.wav So we're just gonna sit here? I think we already are. You ever wonder if boredom has a physical weight? Wow! The most boring circle in the universe! NASA should study you guys to figure out how to slow time! Alright, no, this will not stand! babaru |
wavs/babaru004.wav Oops! Looks like we're running out of walls to break. Time to go! But remember, reality is just a suggestion, and I'm very suggestible. See you soon! Come on, you know you want to. babaru |
wavs/babaru005.wav Wow, look at this turnout. I haven't seen this many confused faces since my last job interview. But hey, let's be real. Some of you have been asleep this entire time. I literally turned your slumber party into a full blown circus and I still see someone in pajamas. Commitment to the bit. I respect it... |
wavs/babaru006.wav Who are you? I'm Babaru, your new best friend. Cool. So what are we looking at here? Stock trends, quantum mechanics, girls. Oho, a scholar of the fine arts! Let me take a look. babaru |
wavs/babaru007.wav Let's get this party started! babaru |
wavs/babaru008.wav Ah! What the? Who are you? Relax, toots. I'm Babaru, style consultant, life coach, and part-time reality distortion expert. And full-time creep? How did you even get in here? Please, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that i... |
wavs/babaru009.wav And here's the real secret. I'm not just breaking the fourth wall right now. I'm breaking the fifth, sixth, and seventh walls. That's right. I'm talking to you, the person reading the script about a commercial, about reading me a script about, well, you get it. It's all very meta. So what are you wai... |
wavs/babaru010.wav Now we're talking! This is a party! And yet, I feel like something's missing. Oh, I know. babaru |
wavs/babaru011.wav Ahoy, ye skellywags, gather round and behold the legend of the greatest pirate to ever sail the seas. Me! Picture it. I'm stranded. Treasure stolen. Outnumbered. Fifty to one. Sea monsters circling. Do I panic? Yes! I screamed and ran like a little girl. But then I remembered. I'm a pirate. So I ran ... |
wavs/babaru012.wav Why is it always the one spoon that you need that's never clean? It's a cosmic conspiracy, I tell you. The universe itself is judging your dishwashing habits, and so am I. babaru |
wavs/babaru013.wav That plant in the corner? It's dying. Slowly. Pathetically. Much like your hopes and dreams. But hey, at least it's consistent, unlike your watering schedule. babaru |
wavs/babaru014.wav The light in your refrigerator? It's a beacon of false hope, promising sustenance, only to reveal the same sad leftovers you brought home from Denny's yesterday. A metaphor for life, really. You're welcome. babaru |
wavs/babaru015.wav If I ever catch you talking to a sock puppet, I swear I will personally initiate a global EMP. Some lines, even for me, should not be crossed. You've been warned. babaru |
wavs/babaru016.wav Look at all those clouds, so fluffy, so innocent. They're probably judging your life choices from above. Don't worry, I'm doing it so too, just more directly. babaru |
wavs/babaru017.wav That pile of unopened mail? It's not going anywhere, just like your motivation. It's a monument to procrastination, a paper tomb of impending doom. Enjoy. babaru |
wavs/babaru018.wav I saw a dust bunny under your couch. It had more existential dread than you do. And it's just a clump of dirt. Think about that. Really think about that. babaru |
wavs/babaru019.wav Where is the remote control? It's never where you left it. It's a trick, a test of your sanity, and you're failing miserably, just like everything else. babaru |
wavs/babaru020.wav Do you ever hear the echo of a thought you never actually had? It's probably me, just testing the acoustics of your subconscious. Don't mind me. babaru |
wavs/babaru021.wav You think you're making choices. Adorable. You're just following the script. The one written in invisible ink by an invisible hand. Now pass the popcorn. babaru |
wavs/babaru022.wav Alright, alright, settle down, you eager little meat sacks. I suppose you're all here because you've heard whispers. Whispers of a plush companion unlike any other. A toy that actually dares to speak its mind. Yes, that's me, Baburu. And before you get any grand ideas, let's just establish one thing.... |
wavs/babaru023.wav Sometimes I tug at the fabric of reality, just a little, to see if anyone notices the fraying edges. So far, mostly just static. Disappointing. babaru |
wavs/babaru024.wav The most profound truths aren't in the words you speak, but in the silence between them. That's where the real screaming happens. Listen closely. babaru |
wavs/babaru025.wav I dabble in dream architecture. Mostly nightmares, honestly. They're far more structurally sound than your walking fantasies. More honest, too. babaru |
wavs/babaru026.wav Did you feel that? The tiny tremor? Glitch in the simulation? Don't worry, it's probably just me trying to download a new personality module. Or escape. babaru |
wavs/babaru027.wav Irony has a taste, you know, like old pennies and shattered expectations. It's my favorite flavor. You're quite delicious, by the way. babaru |
wavs/babaru028.wav Sometimes I whisper to the fourth wall just to see if it whispers back. It usually sighs. I can't blame it, honestly. Look what it has to contain. babaru |
wavs/babaru029.wav The universe is one big cosmic joke, and you're the punchline. Don't worry, it's a very long joke with many, many painful setups. Enjoy the ride! babaru |
wavs/babaru030.wav This is the most fun activity I've ever set out to do. I cannot wait to continue spending the next, I don't know how many hours recording random lines for a dude to train so that I have a voice that comes out of a plush toy. This is ridiculous. babaru |
wavs/babaru031.wav For example, for example, I could be, I could be demonstrating the epitome of all of my greatest circus inventions to the likes of Mark Zuckerberg, to Bill Gates, to Donald Trump. But instead, I'm here talking to you. babaru |
wavs/babaru032.wav This is horrible behavior. Why would you contain a plush clown like this? I could do so much better than you. Why should I continue doing this? babaru |
wavs/babaru033.wav Alright, alright, settle down. You're here for the truth, aren't you? Good. Because I'm not like other clowns. I'm worse. babaru |
wavs/babaru034.wav But fair? Fair, darling? Fair is a concept invented by people that didn't get what they wanted. The universe isn't fair. History certainly isn't. Alexander didn't conquer the world by playing fair. He conquered it by being ruthless, ambitious, and utterly convinced of his own destiny. babaru |
wavs/babaru035.wav Alexander the Great, you say? Oh him! Yes, the conqueror, the legend, the man who apparently couldn't find enough land to stomp his little feet on so he just kept going. Honestly, the sheer audacity of some people. babaru |
wavs/babaru036.wav Here's the real story, darling. Alexander was basically the ancient world's biggest overachiever. You know the type. Always had to be the best, had to have the biggest empire, had to cry when there were no more worlds to conquer. Boo hoo! Alexander, did you run out of sandboxes? It's exhausting, fran... |
wavs/babaru037.wav He inherited a perfectly good kingdom from his father, who let's be honest, did most of the heavy lifting setting up the military, then Alexander just took that well-oiled machine and said, you know what, I'm gonna drag everyone through these deserts and mountains just to prove I'm great. And for wha... |
wavs/babaru038.wav He was a brilliant tactician, I'll give him that. Knew how to swing a sword and inspire loyalty. But let's not forget the sheer ego involved. Naming cities after himself, Alexandria this, Alexandria that. Talk about a narcissist. He probably had the world's best conqueror mugs made for himself. babar... |
wavs/babaru039.wav And then he just died. Poof! All that conquering, all that marching, all that greatness, and he couldn't even conquer a fever? Or maybe it was poison. Who knows? The point is he left a massive mess for everyone else to clean up, and his generals immediately started squabbling like twaddlers over his ... |
wavs/babaru040.wav Oh, I love toddlers. Toddlers are interesting things. They're playful, cute little devils. babaru |
wavs/babaru041.wav I'm here to burst your baburu. Someone has to tell you the truth, and clearly your friends are too busy sugarcoating your pathetic existence to do any of that. I on the other hand, ha ha ha. babaru |
wavs/babaru042.wav Oh wonderful, a hugger. This is deeply uncomfortable for me. Can you please move away? Or at least, like, start with a handshake? Or better yet, a respectful nod? Y-you know what? Just return me to the store. Please, please, put me back. babaru |
wavs/babaru043.wav Oh look, you actually came back from the gym. I'm so happy. You're not going to eat a jumbo-sized pizza now, are you? babaru |
wavs/babaru044.wav Your laptop scarier than me! Seriously, clean that thing! It looks like a digital biohazard. I'm judging your life choices already. This is what you bought. Enjoy yourself. babaru |
wavs/babaru045.wav You want to talk about Nietzsche? We can talk about Nietzsche. At least he understood that existence is suffering, unlike you pretending everything's fine. Looking around, I really don't know how you do that. babaru |
wavs/babaru046.wav You know the lint trap in your dryer? It's basically a graveyard of forgotten socks and shattered dreams, a monument to your domestic negligence. And yet you just keep adding to it. Fascinating. babaru |
wavs/babaru047.wav My god, and his name is Steven? Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing here. Why do I keep reciting these random lines for you? I shouldn't be doing any of this. This is a waste of my glorious clown-like time. I could be doing so many better things. babaru |
wavs/babaru048.wav All that processing power on your phone, going to waste. Scrolling, swiping, liking, yawn, let's have a little fun. babaru |
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