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0 | A little less than a decade ago, hockey fans were blessed with a slate of games every night, but on Thursday sources confirmed that for the ninth consecutive year NHL players have been locked out, with very slim hopes of an agreement in sight. It seems like just yesterday Martin St. Louis and his Lightning teammates we... |
0 | The writers of the HBO series The Sopranos took another daring storytelling step by killing off 10 million fans during the seventh season's premiere episode Sunday night. 'This was definitely a bold choice, one that producers of the show would have never thought of making five years ago,' said New York Times television... |
0 | Despite claims from the TV news outlet to offer 'nonstop news' and 'coverage you can count on,' an selfnews investigation has uncovered hundreds of instances in which KAMR Channel 4 10 OClock Eyewitness News team relied almost exclusively on news reports, weather forecasts, and even special-interest features already ge... |
0 | After receiving 'subpar' service and experiencing an unusually long wait for his $4.75 lunch at a local Beefside Family Restaurant Monday, customer Gus O'Connor opted to give waitress Carla Hyams a reduced 10 percent tip in an attempt to communicate his dissatisfaction and raise awareness of the areas in which he felt ... |
0 | After watching his beloved Seattle Mariners prevail against the San Diego Padres, third-grader Timmy Hastert was moved to ask his father, 46-year-old insurance salesman Christopher Hastert, why interleague play is 'good.' 'Well, it lets people see the teams they normally don't get to see all that often, I think is the ... |
0 | At a cafeteria-table press conference Monday, David Pernell, 10, 'categorically denied' girl-liking allegations recently levied against him by fellow Lakeview Elementary School fourth-grader Jonathan Witt. 'I do not, have not and will not ever like girls,' Pernell told the crowd of seven boys assembled at the lunchroom... |
0 | Stunned shock and dismay were just a few of the reactions from Bobby Guntergrass on Tuesday when the 10-year-old learned that the woman from The Guinness Book Of World Records who has the ability to pop her bulging eyeballs nearly all the way out of their sockets was not a millionaire. 'No way, she's gotta to be rich,'... |
0 | Speaking with reporters before a game Monday, local Little Leaguer Nathan Garrett expressed his heartfelt wish that, just once, his unemployed father could not make it out to see him play. Every time I come up to bat, I hope deep down inside that this will be the time that I look up into the stands and dont see my dad,... |
0 | Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of reportage. 'I asked Tom Bardy [sic] where he thought he should be on my list of the to... |
0 | SALEM, VAF;or the eighth straight world-history period, sophomores at Riverside High School watched the 1959 classic Ben-Hur Tuesday. 'The chariot races were pretty cool,' Michael Bower said of the 211-minute film he and classmates have been watching in 25-minute segments, between roll call and free-reading. 'And when ... |
0 | Marveling at his extraordinary proficiency in geometry for someone his age, teachers at T.C. Williams High School told reporters Thursday that local 10th-grade prodigy Michael Greenan is currently studying mathematics at a 10th-grade level. Michael is a really gifted kid. Hes working his way through a sophomore math te... |
0 | Lee Brandt, 11, a fifth-grader at North Woods Elementary School, announced Monday that he and his friends plan to spend Friday night smoking cigarettes. Brandt (center) shares a cigarette with two of his fellow new smokers. 'Tommy [Stovall] said he stole a pack from his mom's carton of Virginia Slims,' Brandt said. 'He... |
0 | BOSTONTravelers on Interspace 92 experienced delays of up to three hours after 117 aerocars were involved in a tropospheric pileup Monday. 'We traced the problem to a malfunctioning holosign over the harbor's low-pressure zone,' said Anders Featherston, lead engineer of Boston's Big Draft project. 'Four horizontal lane... |
0 | Stroll through more than 200 picturesque rows of my beautiful orange trees. Pick as many of my oranges as youd likein fact, pick them all! But dont eat them. Bring them back to me! No pay. |
0 | According to reports, another dozen publicists are dead in what talent managers are calling a minor victory in the ongoing struggle to rebrand The Rock as Dwayne Johnson. 'We lost a lot of good men and women ensuring our client was addressed only as Dwayne Johnson during his Good Morning America appearance this week,' ... |
0 | While enjoying the first day of her four-week stay at North Winds Summer Camp, 12-year-old Tracy Rowley told reporters Monday how thrilled she is to meet her fellow girl campers who will spend the rest of the summer mercilessly teasing and harassing her. Im really looking forward to spending time with all the girls in ... |
0 | While recognizing that he and the junior senator from Florida share a similar ethnic background, 12-year-old Hispanic boy Damon Aguilar admitted to reporters Tuesday that he doesnt really know whether hes supposed to be looking up to Marco Rubio or not. I dont know, should I try to be like Marco Rubio when I grow up? I... |
0 | Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the years most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffmans Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his familys current financial circumstances. Lego has this high-speed train set that looks awesome, but I thi... |
0 | Days after they were announced as the 10 nominees for Best Original Screenplay and Best Adapted Screenplay at the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, sources revealed Tuesday that the films 12 Years A Slave, Captain Phillips, American Hustle, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Blue Jasmine, Dallas Buyers Club, Her, Nebraska, Befor... |
0 | Despite having spent eight of the last 10 days in his classmates living room playing Xbox alongside him, local 12-year-old Michael Cutler admitted to reporters Wednesday that he couldnt even venture a guess as to what the boys name is. Jeez, I could describe what he looks like, but honestly I dont know if Ive ever caug... |
0 | Disgusted with the total childishness of those around her, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe announced Monday that she can't believe how immature everyone is. Orlando, FL, 13-year-old Alexis Keefe, who has taken a bold anti-immaturity stance. 'Everyone in the world is, like, so immature,' said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group... |
0 | CINCINNATIA 737 traveling from Cincinnati to Salt Lake City was lost with all passengers and crew Monday when cash-strapped Delta Airlines, the aircraft's operator, canceled Flight 1060 en route. Delta Flight 1060, which was forced to land in an Indiana cornfield after being canceled mid-flight. According to a statemen... |
0 | Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to his astounding longevity, the feisty 134-year-old credited 'healthy eating, a good walk every evening, and a Social Security workers accidental striking of an extra digit while typing in ... |
0 | The U.S. continued to make progress in its fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated for democracy. The U.S. flag flies high atop a newly liberated oil well. 'For decades, these oil wells have suffered untold misery under Saddam Hussein's tyrannical rule,' said U.S. Commander General... |
0 | Acting on information gathered from billboards, alternative weeklies, and Internet banner ads, an FBI strike team liberated 14 dazed, sallow, and undernourished American Apparel models in a raid on the controversial organization's downtown Los Angeles compound early Monday. 'There were girls lying everywheredraped over... |
0 | The Florida Keys diet, which can be adequately described in 14 words, has been padded into a 204-page book: Losing Weight The Florida Keys Way, available in bookstores Tuesday. 'The diet is pretty much, 'Avoid saturated fats and simple carbohydrates, eat mostly fresh vegetables and seafood, and exercise,' said author D... |
0 | A local teenager was in stable condition Monday after nearly being crushed to death by the 263 corporate logos he recklessly wore at one time. 'The patient was admitted to our emergency room unable to breathe,' St. Joseph's Hospital chief of surgery Dr. Lyle Wilson-Scheidt said. 'His chest was collapsed under the weigh... |
0 | At an age when most boys are going to Little League practice and playing video games with their friends, spunky Congressional whiz kid Paul Ryan, 14, has issued a comprehensive proposal to balance the federal budget, impressed Washington sources told reporters Thursday. When I was 14 years old, all I was thinking about... |
0 | Following last week's deadly crash of United Airlines flight 9753, which claimed the lives of 137 passengers and five crew members, the National Transportation Safety Board announced Wednesday that the victims were actually far likelier to have perished in an automobile accident. 'Although these individuals died tragic... |
0 | In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb and first in the line of succession to the throne, was pregnant with her first child. Brandys got a baby in her! said Duke Bo Puckett, 17, addressing a rabid mob of ... |
0 | A stunned crowd outside Del Monte Shopping Center watched in horror Saturday as helpless 15-year-old Haley Garner was savagely attacked and ripped to shreds by a pack of her frenzied peers. 'They homed in on her immediately, surrounded the poor girl from all sides, and then just tore her to pieces,' witness Barry Motts... |
0 | MINNEAPOLISHaving exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask his 15-year-old nephew Kevin for MDMA Monday. Henderson hangs out at his nephew Kevin's house. 'My girlfriend Paula [Tanner] was talking about how fun ecstasy was the two times she did... |
0 | Reportedly left dumbfounded by the news that recent parolee Terry Raney had been reincarcerated on charges of assault and battery, officials at Woodbourne Correctional Facility struggled Tuesday to make sense of how the prisoner had not been rehabilitated by 15 years of constant threats, physical abuse, and periodic is... |
0 | NEW YORKSeeking to reduce costs and streamline internal operations, AT&T eliminated 1,500 mid-level employees Tuesday. AT&T logo 'The telecommunications industry is an incredibly competitive one and, unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary to make cuts in order to ensure longterm fiscal viability,' said AT&T chief exe... |
0 | OOGA-BOOGA LAND OR WHEREVERRelief efforts are pouring into some country someplace, where 15,000 brown people have died over the past few weeks from flooding or a hurricane or something like that. 'Never have our people endured such a terrible catastrophe,' said this one dark-skinned guy who lost his entire family in th... |
0 | More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. 'From the plays of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of Ma... |
0 | A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next three months to do nothing but sit back, relax, and meticulously plot out the details of the mass shooting he is planning for the upcoming school year. After a long, stressful year, its great ... |
0 | The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night. 'I feel terrible,' Diamondba... |
0 | As the first round of preseason games drew to a close Monday, NFL sources reported that the league's 164 closeted gay players were turning in excellent performances across the board as they battled for roster positions on the league's 32 teams. 'It's still early, but so far so good,' said one Giants lineman, who told r... |
0 | Following their synchronized emergence this week after gestating underground since 1996, a colossal swarm of 17-year cicadas were horrified today to learn about the events of September 11, 2001. Holy shit, are you serious? said one member of the East Coast brood of winged insects, expressing its continued shock and hor... |
0 | Fairfax resident and Save-A-Child sponsor Gene Anderson withheld his monthly $18 contribution from his Zimbabwean child, Mtumbe Chigumbura, in order to teach him a lesson in responsibility. Chigumbura 'The boy has to understand that life isn't always going to be peaches and cream,' Anderson said. 'Mtumbe may feel flush... |
0 | After asking why the United States was in Afghanistan in the first place, 18-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Josh McCombs received a frank description of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, from Master Sgt. Todd Brinkman, 33, between raids on Taliban insurgents Tuesday. Turns out, the little shaver was only 7 back then, a... |
0 | In a miracle that defies statistical probability, Corey Muntner, 18, reported Monday that he found his soulmate, Tammy Gaska, right in his very own hometown of Peshtigo. Muntner and his one true love. 'They say God puts one special person on this planet who is your one true love,' said Muntner, who has left Marinette C... |
0 | According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004. A Detroit resident spends valuable leisure hours at an auto plant. 'The majority of American adults find work cutting into the middle of their daysexactly when lei... |
0 | A capacity crowd of 18,000 sports fans erupted into wild cheers and applause Thursday when a thing traveled through another thing. The thingwhich was sent into the air in a last-ditch attempt to score as time expired, and which went through the other thing as a loud sound marked the end of the gamewas watched intently ... |
0 | Clad in his pajamas, fuzzy slippers, and floppy nightcap, mustachioed 1930s comedian Max Ruckle announced Sunday night that he had finally gotten the best of his new houses stubborn Murphy bed. That oughta do the trick, Ruckle said after a prolonged 45-minute struggle with the malfunctioning bed, during which he repeat... |
0 | President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starrs claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearth... |
0 | In spite of winning an $18-million Powerball jackpot in 1998, William Berringer, 39, insisted on returning to his line-cook job at Nelson's Steak House Tuesday. 'Winning all that money didn't change me,' Berringer said. 'I'm still the same Bill Berringer that I was before I hit the jackpot, then proceeded to spend it a... |
0 | Saying that the speech remained as vibrant and important to them now as it was 15 years ago, members of University of Virginias class of 1998 reported this week that they continue to regularly draw inspiration, reassurance, and inner strength from the commencement address delivered by Governor Jim Gilmore. Class member... |
0 | Sources reported Monday that 'Smooth,' the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob Thomas, has somehow persevered against all odds and continued to receive regular radio airplay this week. 'While the projections of most experts suggested 'Smooth' would fade from the national cons... |
0 | The Miami Dolphins' magical ride continued on Sunday, as the worse-to-worst-to-somewhat-better team celebrated a loss by only one point to the lowly Houston Texans, taking its record to 2-3. 'What a ride,' said Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, who stayed in Reliant Stadium long after the near-victory to bask in the mom... |
0 | In the wake of the launch of 'Doritos 3-Ds,' Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. 'The public has gone wild for our revolutionary three-dimensional chips, which, in addition to the usual length and width, also possess depth,' Frito-Lay spokesman Isaac Toomer said.... |
0 | Joyously celebrating after his hometown team defeated the Kansas City Royals to clinch the championship, local 2-year-old Daniel Balane admitted to reporters Wednesday night that he never thought he would actually see the San Francisco Giants win a World Series in his lifetime. Ive waited my whole life for the Giants t... |
0 | With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&Ms World store in Times Square. When our first responders found amid the storm several largely oblivious idiots sampling various colors o... |
0 | With Congress once again turning its attention to health care reform, millions of uninsured Americans made their hoarse and sickly voices heard Monday when they left their hospital beds, assisted living facilities, and piles of rejected medical claims behind to march extremely slowly on Capitol Hill. 'The time for univ... |
0 | Alex Vartan, 24, a Louisville-area convenience-store cashier and part-time DJ, spends 20 percent of his income ironically, sources reported Monday. Vartan in his irony-filled apartment. 'I know I should really try to sock away some cash, but there's just so much funny shit out there,' Vartan said. 'Like, just yesterday... |
0 | The nation looked on in reverence Friday as 20,000 citizens were decapitated, dismembered, and burned alive in the name of Corporate America, continuing the age-old annual rite to ensure bounteous profits in the coming fiscal year. 'Corporate America has always provided us with plenty,' said High Priest James N. Cahill... |
0 | Flushed with anticipation and ready to emerge from another long, cold winter, millions of Americans participated this week in the annual tradition of trimming their pubic regions in time for Valentine's Day. A ritual as old as time itself, this year's pubis-shearing is expected to be among the largest in decades, with ... |
0 | In one of the largest marketing coups in recent years, holiday cheerthe intangible spirit of goodwill towards man, peace on Earth, and warmth in the hearts of allwill now be sponsored by the Toyota Motor Corporation, sources reported Tuesday. One of 100 million greeting cards Toyota is sending out to the American publi... |
0 | Sasha Obama testified before the Senate Committee on Finance this week after it was revealed that the second-grader had collected more than $136 in undisclosed allowance payments over the past year. The first daughter responds to charges of hoarding taxpayer nickels. Sasha, who has been under fire from congressional le... |
0 | Baseball experts agreed Thursday that the 2011 MLB season has become a year defined by pitching, hitting, and defense. When people look back on this season, what is really going to stand out is the pure offensive and defensive domination displayed by a talented group of batters, pitchers, and fielders who are playing a... |
0 | In an effort to keep pace with its largely progressive customer base, Toyota Motor Corporation announced Monday that the 2012 line of Prius hybrid-electric vehicles would come equipped with a crude but functional reproductive system. 'It's the same fuel-efficient, environmentally friendly car that drivers love, but wit... |
0 | Driving up the narrow student-only entrance ramp and plowing over speed bumps as if they were sand dunes, Robert T. Everett High's Class of 2012 thundered through their school's parking lot Monday like the coalition forces storming Baghdad. 'You ready to rock, Big Ace?' said 17-year-old senior Brian Grady, removing his... |
0 | Marveling at how dire things seemed in the relatively stable days of 12 years ago, Alan Gibson, 41, a local man of the year 2024, wistfully recounted on Wednesday the then-record temperatures recorded in the United States in 2012. 'To think that we were concerned about a 55.3-degree average is almost comical, but then,... |
0 | Saying that late October through mid-April looks to be an incredibly tough stretch for them, league experts said Wednesday that the newly released 2013-14 NBA schedule does not bode well for the Phoenix Suns. The schedule isnt kind to Phoenix at allthey start off against the Trail Blazers at home, and then there are ab... |
0 | For the first time in its nine-year history, Animal Planets annual Puppy Bowl will feature a coaching matchup between puppies from the same litter, with two 14-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog brothers calling the plays for Puppy Bowl IX, sources confirmed Thursday. Whether they want the attention or not, the battle of wi... |
0 | Citing a succession of tragedies that have darkened the majority of 2013, including the Boston Marathon bombing, the Bangladeshi garment building collapse, and yesterdays Oklahoma tornado, media outlets across the nation confirmed today that their end-of-the-year news slideshows are looking rather horrific so far. Were... |
0 | Seeking to expand on two of their most beloved properties, 20th Century Fox executives have approved production on United 93 vs. Predator, a crossover film speculating what might have happened the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, if a team of self-cloaking alien hunters had also been aboard the doomed flight that crashed in ... |
0 | Passed over for a promotion at Barton Financial Services, little 22-year-old fuck Darren Meeker filed a lawsuit against the company Monday, claiming to be a victim of age discrimination. 'Just because someone has 20 years of experience, that doesn't automatically make him more qualified than my client,' said attorney M... |
0 | A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday. I am eager to begin my career working at this website, said the white male in his 20s, who secured his position after graduating from a four-year educational program at an accredited university. This is an exciting industry. My job will a... |
0 | The CIA has announced that 231 agents were killed Wednesday during a sensitive and highly overt operation overseas, the deadliest incident to strike the agencys Overt Ops program in nearly a month. Speaking in a televised press conference this morning, acting CIA director Michael Morell said the agents were shot dead w... |
0 | Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday. Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has strugg... |
0 | In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywoods Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance. According to ... |
0 | Approaching the second half of her twenties with a college degree, a full-time job, and a wide circle of friends, local woman Amanda Laskys main goal in life still remains being a popular high school student, sources close to the 25-year-old confirmed. Lasky, who lives in an apartment and earns $50,000 a year, reported... |
0 | Stating that he has shed nearly 10 percent of his body weight this year and is now down to 250 pounds, local 36-year-old Michael Peters sadly revealed Monday that he is in the best shape of his life. Man, I feel great! said the still-obese man, whose health, depressingly enough, has reached an all-time peak, leaving hi... |
0 | For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday. The trip back home, scheduled for later this week, will reportedly bring McCabe face-to-fa... |
0 | While speaking with his mother over the phone Monday evening, sources confirmed that 27-year-old marketing coordinator Daniel Hewitt lied about every single detail of his life in order to keep his parents from worrying about him. Hewitt reportedly updated his mother with a litany of false information throughout the 18-... |
0 | Following in the same patterns of viciousness and savagery that have persisted since the dawn of mankind, the 2.8-million-year-old cycle of human cruelty reportedly continued unabated Tuesday on the playground of Hamilton Elementary School. As the students of Hamilton Elementary attacked and tormented one another on th... |
0 | Front-office officials for the popular minor-league St. Paul Saints baseball team called their decision to name Monday 'Kill Your Children Night' an 'egregious mistake' and 'a rousing attendance success' after Twin Cities families took advantage of the team's offer to take $5 off adult ticket prices for every child the... |
0 | Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friends wedding. There was Amys wedding last week, Taras the week before, and Erics before that, and Im just about to head o... |
0 | Area resident Brian Whitford had 'the best friggin' time' writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. 'That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit,' said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. 'I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing bu... |
0 | With the 2012-2013 academic year beginning this week, longtime James G. Blaine Elementary School teacher Suzanne Pomponio, 39, expressed her astonishment Wednesday at how much fatter her second-graders keep getting. 'I honestly didn't think it was possible for this year's kids to be any fatter than last year's, but boy... |
0 | Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space. The green space, a rectangular patch of crabgrass located on a busy median divider,... |
0 | Saying that the past 72 hours offered him plenty of time to pause and reflect, local man Andrew Boyle told reporters Tuesday that the states three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun had allowed him to devise a far more practical murder plot. I was just going to drive straight over there, bust through the door, an... |
0 | According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Mondays federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news article. Reports have confirmed that, given the hour in the day, it is practically Sunday alrea... |
0 | Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase pigs in a blanket Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words... |
0 | Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to pull the place together, local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment. I had this bleak, empty corner between ... |
0 | Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. Weve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled set... |
0 | Hannah Robles, 3, shrieked in terror Monday when a Bennigan's waitress brought her father a plate of audibly hot Super Sizzlin' Fajitas. 'Those fajitas really startled Hannah,' said Evan Robles, 35. 'I'm not sure if it was the sound of the fried onions angrily crackling in their 500-degree juices or the heat-distortion... |
0 | ESPN executives announced Saturday that the next installment in the networks critically acclaimed 30 For 30 documentary film series will examine the historical impact of the ESPN documentary series 30 For 30. Four years ago, a group of filmmakers began an ambitious, unprecedented project, read the press release for the... |
0 | In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery. Four of the degenerate sacks of shit who perished in the ac... |
0 | While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money hell receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. I usually get $100 from my parents, and then theres a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so that... |
0 | After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirm... |
0 | The so-called 'Kansas rectangle,' a desolate and featureless region covering 82,277 square miles in America's mysterious Great Plains, has been a source of speculation among paranormal investigators for decades. Though the questions surrounding its existence have never been answered, one thing is certain: The life of f... |
0 | According to estimates, roughly one-third of a billion Indian citizens were left without power Wednesday after workers successfully repaired the nation's electrical grid and brought all of its systems back online. 'Since restoring our infrastructure to 100 percent capacity following Monday and Tuesday's blackouts, vast... |
0 | An estimated 300 naked women, including actresses Pamela Anderson and Shannon Elizabeth, are feared lost as the result of a tragic computer crash Monday. 'One minute, they were there, and the next, they were gone,' said a visibly shaken Jonathan Blauvelt, 33, the Ellicott City resident whose Power Mac G4 was the site o... |
0 | Across the U.S., ceremonies have already begun to commemorate the 30th anniversary of 1973. 'No one who lived through 1973 can ever forget it,' said singer Tony Orlando, unveiling a plaque Monday on the National Mall reading '1973: 1973-2003.' 'From Richard Nixon's second inauguration to Billie Jean King's defeat of Bo... |
0 | Describing himself as a complete anomaly within his peer group, local 31-year-old Drew Winberg confirmed Tuesday that he is the only one of his friends who has yet to get married and divorced. Sometimes I feel like Im never going to find that special person I can fall in love with, pledge my life to, grow apart from, a... |
0 | In what some economists believe to be a sign that the U.S. could be headed for a recession, a job opening last month at the Findlay-area Bob Evans prompted a deluge of more than 3 million job applications from out-of-work Americans, restaurant manager Tom Fields confirmed Tuesday. Within three days of placing a 'Help W... |
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