score int64 0 48.5k | body stringlengths 0 39.7k | title stringlengths 1 300 | id stringlengths 6 6 |
|---|---|---|---|
1 | Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?" | I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore | 5tz52q |
0 | Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven .
I'm so sorry. | What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ? | 5tz4dd |
0 | ...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said "Have a nice day!" But I didn't so I sued him. | I recently went to America.... | 5tz319 |
1 | A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The teacher ... | Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.” | 5tz2wj |
0 | He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman. | You hear about the University book store worker who was charged for stealing $20,000 worth of books? | 5tz1pc |
0 | Because the p is silent. | Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight? | 5tz1o1 |
0 | To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking. | Why women need legs? | 5tz0ef |
1 | Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer. | I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted | 5tz04j |
0 | Character actors! | How did TV studios make words appear on screen before computers? | 5tz02q |
0 | You follow his fresh prints. | How do you find Will Smith in the snow? | 5tz02h |
15 | I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. | Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? | 5tyzxh |
0 | ... Anal Destiny. | Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without... | 5tyzx4 |
0 | Oh and it's also Valentines day | Happy try not to jump off a bridge day! | 5tyze2 |
3 | I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track." | My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" | 5tyytx |
1 | cuz all they do is Tweet | If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump | 5tyyo2 |
0 | But my back was sore and I couldn't reach. | I was going to get a headjob for Valentines Day | 5tyxrb |
3 | When she woke up after 6 months and 3 days, the doctor told the mother: "While you were in a coma, we had your brother name your children. One is a boy, one is a girl."
The mother, with a disappointed and angry look on her face told the doctor: "Why my brother? That guy is an idiot. So what did he name them?"
The mot... | A mother went into a coma after giving birth to twins | 5tyx6v |
2 | An epileptical. | What do you call an exercise machine with a strobe light? | 5tywci |
2 | ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. | My dad has a heart of a lion | 5tyt6c |
3 | But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane. | Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork. | 5tyqqw |
0 | Welcome to India | A monkey is getting stoned in a zoo... | 5tyqqi |
62 | A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The ... | I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction )) | 5tyqag |
1 | I dont have any, go ask your fava | What did the mommy bean say to her son when he asked for money? | 5tymmf |
1 | And save $300 instantly. | When You Break Up At 11:59 Tonight | 5tymff |
4 | But I can't A4'd it. | I wanted to buy an Audi. | 5tylhy |
1 | It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother.
The lyrics are "Oh, Nana, What's My Name?" | I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song | 5tyl5a |
0 | Lesser people. | What are minorities? | 5tykxd |
3 | Because all of his cells have built a wall. | Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant? | 5tyk3b |
2 | my neck was stiff for 4 hours | i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night | 5tyj4u |
11 | The Ruler | What is the king of all school supplies? | 5tyii8 |
12 | Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.
His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business.
He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, ... | A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off... | 5tygzy |
1 | A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut ... | A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female !! | 5tygyu |
5 | A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue whe... | A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” | 5tygq5 |
3 | Because interest in the Bond is so low. | Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film? | 5tyfyh |
2 | Happy pocket empty day. | Pocket empty day ! | 5tyfoj |
2 | …but she probably isn't available. | I want to see that new movie coming out with Scarlett Johannson… | 5tyf21 |
3 | He has no compass and he has lost his sense of direction.
Suddenly he sees a caravan on the horizon. He jumps, shouts and waves his arms to get their attention, and, oh joy, they notice him and move in his direction.
But his happiness is short lived, as the travelers turn out to be mean and sadistic. They rough him... | Man gets lost in the desert. | 5tyezd |
37 | You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.
| Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl? | 5tyess |
0 | All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire. | Site of the 2017 Dane county massacre. | 5tyegn |
0 | A small child asks his father:
Boy: Dad, where did I come from?
Dad: The Stork, son.
Boy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork? | He fucked what? | 5tyef7 |
0 | I told her she should try the kitchen | My wife wants to eat somewhere shes never eaten before for V-Day | 5tyeec |
4 | In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. | I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today | 5tydto |
6 | "The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!" - says the first.
Next day the second woman tells to the others:
"That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious."
Next day the third woman appears with her eye blacked.
"What happe... | 3 women talk | 5tydjg |
1 | The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall | There are two types of people | 5tydi6 |
3 | Someone stepped on its mouse. | Why did the computer squeak? | 5tyd57 |
3 | Your moms bed. | i found a place where the recycling rate is 98%. | 5tycln |
6 | My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighi... | Valentine's day fights | 5tybk6 |
0 | She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one | I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister | 5tybdq |
14 | A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day. | What's the difference between you and a Calendar? | 5tybdd |
0 | He tried to make eggs. He broke the yoke.
Yoke! Oh! Oh no! | Julian Lennon messed up breakfast | 5tyanf |
3 | 'Hello!?'
'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!'
'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!'
'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?'
'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another ... | A guy calls home | 5tyajc |
0 | This post. | I found a place where the recycling rate is 100% | 5tyabb |
11 | I'm a dog.
Happy Valentine's Day! | Roses are gray. Violets are gray. | 5ty9jc |
0 | Don't worry, we have our Trump card. | I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America | 5ty9am |
7 | They said thank you. I said don't mention it. | I bought my friend an elephant for their room. | 5ty7fl |
0 | But I'm laughing braces I just farted. | You're laughing because I'm laughing. | 5ty56m |
2 | She said "Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia." | This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said "Life's too short and it can end at any time." | 5ty3r5 |
2 | But only once | TIL you can drink lava | 5ty39a |
1 | Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand. | First woman on mars. | 5ty36v |
1 | I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot" | Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme. | 5ty2u6 |
2 | José and Hose B. | What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter? | 5ty2qy |
3 | ... and he said "Fuck the Police" | Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of... | 5ty263 |
2 | Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute.. | Bad Advertisement | 5ty1st |
4 | Cacti are thorny
I just can't help that
You make me horny | Roses are red. | 5ty14u |
4 | And they are very private. Ever since they were young they wouldn't talk about sex publicly, but instead developed a code phrase: Doing a load of laundry.
One night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks "D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?"
Mary looks at Se... | So Seamus and Mary are an elderly couple | 5ty0wy |
5 | It's all just flake news. | These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me. | 5txziy |
1 | A young Native American boy goes up to the chief of his tribe and asks "Chief, how did we get our names?"
The Chief looked at the boy and said "Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard... | Why do you ask? | 5txzbr |
0 | Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke. | Those ads actually ran. | 5txyle |
1 | Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion.
One night a blind man stops by the stand.
"What would you like to purchase today?" asks the cashier.
"Oh, nothing" the blind man says, "I was just *looking* around!"
An few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand.... | There's a bizarre black-market concession stand in North America which sells only human body parts | 5txxuo |
54 | Should have cooked it on aloha temperature | Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today | 5txxsu |
12 | Because its full of Arab semen. | Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? | 5txxq7 |
13 | A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she... | A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it... | 5txwsv |
3 | Yeah I figured you wouldn't know. | What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row? | 5txvq7 |
2 | Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster. | The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump. | 5txvd6 |
7 | A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom. The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it.
A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the ma... | A Man Gets Really Drunk | 5txv65 |
3 | I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. 🇩🇰 | What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? | 5txurc |
1 | He was also a serial killer. He liked to dig up the corpses of women and use their skin to furnish his house. After the police arrested him they discovered a whole morbid collection of objects. He had a belt made out of ears, a lampshade made from stitched together faces, they even found a labia menora. | Did you hear about Leatherface's jewish cousin? | 5txuaa |
1 | Is one mile closer to the stone. | A milestone | 5txu52 |
9 | I do it on Christmas and Easter. | I floss religiously. | 5txtyd |
3 | But this Guy Fawkes. | I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin, | 5txtk8 |
1 | The attic | What part of the house got busted for drugs? | 5txte1 |
10 | Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table. | Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter? | 5txsm2 |
14 | I have a couple of ideas:
1: Dinner
2: Movies
1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2? | An optometrist asks a woman out on a date | 5txs4x |
1 | He made him an offer he couldn't understand. | Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? | 5txs3z |
9 | The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!" | A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar | 5txrfd |
19 | A Brazilian. | How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? | 5txrcr |
2 | One day it just clicked. | Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years. | 5txr27 |
0 | Must be something in the pussy they're eating | They say only men and lesbians can be funny... | 5txpo9 |
0 | A Submarine.
| What’s long and hard and full of semen? | 5txomv |
39 | Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.
Son: But dad, there's only one person. | Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? | 5txoil |
3 | He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize. | Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door? | 5txohj |
25 | He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine b... | A man is shopping for cattle in 1886... | 5txnv8 |
2 | As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own | I thought of the first Fleshlight | 5txnr5 |
6 | Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
... | Doctor, are you sure he was Dead? | 5txnqz |
4 | He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!" | Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey? | 5txn3n |
16 | So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning. | A lot of women turn into great drivers... | 5txmyo |
4 | Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase? | Valentines Day Flowers | 5txmlh |
2 | Espn2 | #1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina | 5txm9l |
6 | He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's... | A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years | 5txluy |
0 | And he gets to live in the White House to boot! | Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years? | 5txlkj |
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