ups float32 0 96.6k | num_comments float32 0 4.51k | upvote_ratio float32 0 1 | score float32 0 96.6k | documents stringlengths 1 32.4k | tldr stringlengths 0 2.32k | title stringlengths 1 289 |
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50 | 13 | 0.77 | 50 | i was on skype on my tablet as i went to the toilet iming a friend. i don't multitask very well, so i forgot one of the most important things to do before pooping. i think the best part was when i realised and told my mate who just freaked out because i was talking to him on the john! | forgetting to pull my underwear down before i pooped. | |
115 | 23 | 0.88 | 115 | this actually happened a couple of years ago. i grew up in germany where i went to a german secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade (we still had 13 grades then, they have since changed that). my school was named after anne frank and we had a club that i was very active in from 9th grade on, which was dedicat... | confuse a 5th grade girl for a boy in front of half of her class. kids are mean. sorry sandra.** | gender-stereotyping |
14 | 11 | 0.78 | 14 | i tend to leave half-drank beers in my garage. usually no more than a day old, often i'll end up finishing them off the next day. last night there was a millipede outbreak. little buggers were everywhere, including my beer when i drank it today. burned my mouth, firehosing it all over myself, the walls, and the ground ... | drinking a beer | |
16 | 12 | 0.79 | 16 | it was last october, but i'm feeling the fall-out from it the most today.
after my mom died from cancer last year, i started looking for my estranged father. i had only known him for a short time when i was 6 and barely remembered more than his name. i never knew why he left and my mom would not talk about him wit... | i found my estranged dad, thought i loved him after getting to know him, got to know him better and changed my mind. | telling my dad that i love him. |
0 | 2 | 0.42 | 0 | flashback to the past, almost exactly one year ago. you’re 25 and currently at your peak on many levels. your physique is at its best it’s ever been and you’re excelling in your professional life. you just completed a big project, you’re driving home with a big smile on your face and amazing prospects are waiting. your... | how hard can you fail at something? | |
55 | 10 | 0.85 | 55 | so i had the brilliant idea to use veet hair removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a trim and i had heard that veet leaves them smoother for longer. well i guess thats right when the skin has to grow back first.
pre-story: i tried this before and the results were great but i had decided to do it again becau... | had my balls burned by sauron and was left deveeted. | i was deveeted... |
20 | 13 | 0.75 | 20 | i was in line at kfc and he was counting pennies in his hand in front of me. he turned around and said if i could spare some money for his lunch since he recently became homeless. the situation seemed genuine so i gave him $10.
right after he said bless you and walked out of the restaurant and across the street to a l... | giving money to a "homeless" man | |
29 | 15 | 0.8 | 29 | alright, reddit. gather round and hear of my shame.
first, you must know, that i am white. very white. fucking blindingly white. i can handle sun - even have a tan - in places that are usually exposed (e.g., my forearms), but not in others.
like my back and shoulders.
well, i was at a pool party for the graduation o... | taking off my shirt | |
0 | 5 | 0.14 | 0 | the other day me and my brother were playing black ops 2 and he had the mic and a girl came into the lobby we were in. he and her started talking while we were playing. they became friends on xbox and facebook. a few days later i told her who i was and sent her a friend request on facebook and xbox. she hasn't responde... | pushing the wrong button. | |
90 | 20 | 0.92 | 90 | today i was going to have a bath after a long day of painting kids faces at a carnival. all would go well, except being the genius i am, i put in some epsom salts (i always do for my bath), and i grabbed my bottle of peppermint essential oil.
lately, i've been on a diy-pinterest-tumblr-let's-make-my-own-shit-and-be-f... | peppermint + bath = burning cold ladybits. | wanting a pepperminty bath. |
0 | 0 | 0.09 | 0 | at the moment, a few of my printer ink cartridges are critically low, and have been for quite a while. my parents usually go shopping at costco each weekend, and are usually already gone by the time i wake up.
i kept missing out on the opportunity to "drop off" the empty cartridges before they are gone.
this week, i ... | assuming there would be no costco shopping this weekend | |
220 | 70 | 0.92 | 220 | i was at a park that had a festival going on to support cyclists, i was by myself looking for a place to smoke from my dugout. i wanted to be somewhat hidden so while the area was packed there was a gap in between which looked to me like a great little place to sneak a toke. i go over to the spot and sit down, aaannd i... | stabbing myself in the leg with a knife. | |
81 | 18 | 0.79 | 81 | i haven't had a bath in practically years so, after finally moving into a house with a bath, i decide to have one. having recently purchased a shiny new bag of weed, i thought combining the two would be a good idea.
picture this; a very cramped bathroom, no windows, a shitty extractor fan, closed door, steaming hot ba... | got too high and too hot in the bath, almost cooked myself like a lobster. | having a spliff in the bath. |
62 | 11 | 0.78 | 62 | i hit cancel when adding over an entire new album worth of pics and figured it wouldn't download any of them.. dead wrong. it downloaded so many pictures. they have been up for like two days now. some were nsfw party pics that i wouldn't even let myself be tagged in, and pics of this guy i used to talk to that were shi... | uploaded the wrong pics on facebook | |
137 | 38 | 0.9 | 137 | ok, so i've been seeing this stunning girl for a while and things are going really well, but today i fucked up. while going down on her, i got a tickle in the back of my throat (possibly a hair, i don't fucking know), and i coughed, in a big way. right into her pussy. i blew a raspberry into her pussy.
she was bewil... | coughing into a girls vagina while going down on her. i effectively blew a raspberry into her pussy. | |
0 | 8 | 0.45 | 0 | so i've been living in a big house with 9 other guys. we had a cable company come in while most us were gone for a few days. i was living there with 1 other guy.
one of my roommates, lets call him sam, left a note in his room with an arrow pointing to where he wanted his cable outlet installed. i went in the room a fe... | taking a joke too far and now i'm really scared | |
10 | 7 | 0.71 | 10 | edit: *by sink i think i mean basin. in the uk we call it a bathroom sink.*
let me preface this by saying i've been going through a bit of a rough time since chewing on a spider in my soup at work just less than 48 hours ago. it seems that since then, spiders have been trying their best to get their revenge on me almo... | peeing in the sink. | |
4 | 3 | 0.53 | 4 | this was like 2 and a half weeks ago maybe 3. so i left my house to meet up with my girlfriend at a spot in some sorta wood type thing near some nice houses. on my way i saw landscape workers working around the houses and cleaning. i meet my gf and go find a spot in the woods. the spot we went to seemed nice and lonel... | i had sex with my gf in the woods and got caught by landscape workers. | fucking my gf in the woods. [nsfw] |
0 | 0 | 0.23 | 0 | i work at a day camp for my summer job. its a good job and doesn't pay that bad. i had been having problems with some coworkers for awhile, and felt like i kinda had no friends there. there are some coworkers that are nice to me, but i dont hang out with any them. anyway, things got heated a couple days ago at work, an... | resubmitting this with the proper title this time. hope you can forgive me | |
21 | 9 | 0.86 | 21 | so, my oven is broken...and i'm out of cooking oil, but i want some french fries. so i search the internet and find that if you cover french fries with something, either napkins or another plate and microwave them, they turn out ok. so i tried it, i took to plates, smushed em together and put the french fries in the mi... | tried to microwave french fries and stuck my finger into a franken-fuck of pain causing first degree burns | trying to microwave french fries |
10 | 7 | 0.71 | 10 | this technically happened yesterday since it 1:30 am here, but i can't sleep because i'm worried.
before i start, let me set the scene. it's getting close to 6 on a mildly wet western north carolina summer day. not too much rain, but enough to get the grass wet, and i'm in the really mountainous part of wnc.
so any... | my truck went vroom vroom into a ditch. i tried to get it out, and it tried to kill me. after shouting "ole!" and getting scratched up more than a husband having sex with a kinky cougar, two rednecks helped me out of a perilous predicament. and now me, my testicles, and my truck are all safe and sound. | tearing through a friend's fence and nearly killing myself |
3 | 1 | 0.55 | 3 | my boyfriend is in my school's marching band. sports are huge at my university and tickets sell out very, very quickly. boyfriend was really wanting me to get a student sports package which guarantees you seats so i can watch him in the band this year. he reminded me to do it back in july when we were in san francisco ... | being forgetful. | |
0 | 1 | 0.2 | 0 | my dad was recently cheated on by his wife and so i greeted him this morning with a nice cup of coffee and a question of how did his dick taste? | talking back to my father | |
21 | 21 | 0.86 | 21 | earlier today, i was at the local county fair in the lovely county of adams in wisconsin. i was there to enjoy the fair, help out and have a wonderful day. however, later in the afternoon, i found myself in the rabbit, chicken, duck, goose and dairy barn. i was behind a row of rabbit cages with my cousin, which bordere... | i fucked up by mistaking a heifer's want for water as a want for attention, petted it, and screwed my hand up pretty bad. mainly the middle finger. | petting a cow. |
109 | 42 | 0.92 | 109 | [throwaway]
after a long day at work, i came home to my family being gone--cooling off at the public pool. being the normal "home alone dude", i decided that it's been a while since i've had a good fap. i opened up chrome, had a decent experience, closed off the tabs, and sat down to watch some tv.
shortly after, my wi... | selling out my son | |
1,492 | 218 | 0.91 | 1,492 | warning: nsfw
_____________________________________________________________
okay so today, i was jerking off, and i had just "finished". i exited out, and on the tab below, i had the picture of the seal born at the new england aquarium. (this one: http://i.imgur.com/6hy2lgg.jpg ) my computer is just in front of my bed... | with a picture of a seal | |
9 | 5 | 0.65 | 9 | and again on our honeymoon.
>fil: "you're in good shape! have you been working out?"
"yeah, started about 6 months ago. i'm looking to be in the best shape of my life come wedding day!"
>fil: "oh! but you play sport, don't you? so you'll be getting in shape for that too?"
"well, i guess, but the season won't have s... | chatting to my future father in law, made it sound like i was getting in shape to properly decimate his firstborn daughter on our wedding night. | |
67 | 9 | 0.91 | 67 | so recently i have come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection and have been coughing a lot.
today, i was sitting in the cafeteria at my college when i felt a particularly big cough coming on. it was a very effective cough, and apparently too effective, because instantly i realized i had shat my pants. while... | i coughed so hard i shat my self and was happy about it. | coughing so hard i shat my self |
49 | 18 | 0.89 | 49 | i have a bit of a fear of disembodied eyes in darkness, where some creepy reflective eyes seemingly not connected to a face float about behind some poor unsuspecting person.
but anyway i was walking to the toilet and i see 3 pairs of disembodied eyes floating towards me like something out of my worst nightmare. i proc... | forgetting i had 3 cats. | |
0 | 7 | 0.29 | 0 | tifu. i am currently working at a temp agency until my full-time job landscaping can start (it's because of the bad weather up here in ontario). i went to the temp job yesterday from 3pm-11pm. i told them i'd be fine to work from 7am-3pm the next day. i decided i'd stay up since i had slept until 1:30pm yesterday. well... | no showing work | |
6 | 7 | 0.76 | 6 | i went to go study with a friend outdoors. there are these nice chairs and small tables on a raised terrace, and we decide to go there. i sat down, and realized that the chair was a bit small for my hips. you see, i do even lift.
i was getting settled in, but little did i know the small decorative holes in the back of... | sitting down. | |
3 | 2 | 1 | 3 | first off, the title alone tells you i don't know jackshit about cars. i can check the oil, i can inflate the tires, i can even change a tire, but apparently i can't even clean corrosion from my battery terminals without making one stupid mistake. i tried to do a little preventative maintenance of my own and ended up f... | killing my car battery with coca-cola. | |
0 | 8 | 0.42 | 0 | so i'm a junior in high school and my "friend" takes my phone. i ask for it back and as a joke i search up some terms like porn, kinky porn, kinky midget porn and even more porn. i hand it back to him and he finds the terms. he practically shows the entire classroom including the teacher. i really doubt most people kne... | searching midget porn | |
50 | 25 | 0.95 | 50 | ok so. i live with my boyfriend. our toilet is broken and we have to manually fill it up. i had to take a dump soooo bad. so i waited til he was sleeping. i do the deed and flush. suddenly, every tap in the house starts vibrating. it was like something out of a cartoon. seriously. so i started frantically running aroun... | clogging my boyfriends toilet and thinking it would be a good idea to empty it. out the front of his house. | |
33 | 15 | 0.98 | 33 | tl; dr: giving blood then playing hero to a girl is a bad idea.
so today was our school's blood drive, i sign up with great enthusiasm and notice my friend who happens to be a girl is in the same slot as me. we go together to the blood drive bus and get signed up, strapped in, and they tap our veins. it takes about 10... | playing hero after giving blood | |
911 | 240 | 0.82 | 911 | so yeah it actually didn't happen today but about 5 years ago. i was still a virgin and kind of frustrated about it. you know how it goes "shit i'm still a virgin..."
so i was at this party and i heard that there was a girl which i heard she was pretty easy(let's call her easy girl from now on). so for the rest of the... | lost my virginity on someones driveway with a girl i didn't give a shit about and peed in her mouth. | girl gave me head, i thought i came...i was wrong![slightly nsfw?] |
36 | 17 | 0.8 | 36 | technically, this was a couple of years ago but whatever. it was around 11 pm and i was in my parents dining room on my laptop screwing around on facebook. i noticed my ex had posted a couple of pictures and decided to have a quick look. i've always found it interesting how even the least bit of skin can make me succum... | ejaculating on my carpet | |
20 | 2 | 0.77 | 20 | my boss had a stroke. he was hospitalized today. while a coworker was explaining his status i had my ear buds in and was laughing hysterically like a hyena at adviceanimals. | caught laughing during bad news | laughing at the wrong time |
45 | 8 | 0.92 | 45 | so, i was masturbating, and had a giant orgasm that made me clench m teeth really hard.
my tooth felt weird, and apparently, i chipped it.
now it hurts and my tooth is crooked.
i orgasmed so hard i chipped a tooth. what the hell is wrong with me. | masturbating so hard i chipped a tooth. | |
0 | 0 | 0.29 | 0 | in a process of it this morning, i ripped the shirt around the chest area about good 3~4 inches. ugh it was my only light purple color shirt. | wearing a shirt without unbuttoning it first | |
192 | 42 | 0.78 | 192 | i feel like there has been an influx of "this happened x amount of time ago but anyway...." type post. while these stories can be interesting it's not something that you did today or hell even in the past couple weeks. personally, i enjoy this subreddit because it allows users to a) talk about a bad situation. but it a... | a little trend i've been noticing on tifu... | |
0 | 2 | 0.42 | 0 | this happened this last weekend we all know that "i'm glad you came" song right? yeah i now will forever hate that song
let me rewind i am 22 years old and in college my mom and sister came to pick me up for the weekend because my car is at the shop
well anyways that song comes on my sister starts singing it and of ... | i told my sister i came on my mother last night because of a song she was singing | making a horribly inappropiate joke |
127 | 15 | 0.94 | 127 | every day i drive to a park and ride, which is about 2 miles away from my place. well this morning as i was leaving, i left my keys on the counter and locked the door on the way out. it was both my car keys and my condo keys and i had no way back in. my wife had left for work 5 minutes earlier; i tried calling her and ... | locked myself out of my car and condo, sharted, had to walk in the rain 2 miles to the bus. | locking myself out and thinking i just had gas |
348 | 91 | 0.87 | 348 | i got up all groggy n shit, was all like "shit, i gotta pee. cool, i dont have a boner." i sit down, with my good posture and a halfy goin on, i peed right through the gap and into my pajama pants. i didnt notice until my left foot started getting warmer than usual. that hasnt happened since i was in grade school. i wo... | peeing with a chubby | |
0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 | so, this girl in my class and i have been working on a number of projects lately and we've developed a great connection. there seems to have been a number of signals, her calling things "our song," texts for no reason, etc... the only problem was that i was her group leader (she was working under me) and i felt it in... | like a girl, finally decided it was safe to make a move, slept with a different girl, fucked everything up | sleeping with a girl other than the girl i like |
374 | 64 | 0.89 | 374 | (technically this is more of a three years ago i fucked up, but i digress...)
back in the good old school days, we had friday sport. this term, myself and a group of friends decided to join the representative touch footy team, and we were waiting for the bus to take us to our semi final match.
my friend was sitting on... | sat in my friend's lap, douchebag teacher dislocates my knee, kneecap decides to stay locked to the side until i got to the hospital, drugs then two weeks on crutches. | sitting in my friend's lap... |
0 | 1 | 0.42 | 0 | today i fucked up by reading tifu while my teacher was explaining my exam and what we were going to do at our exam. | browsing tifu | |
8 | 6 | 0.73 | 8 | i was at my girl's house today and her parents left to go watch a game. so i decide to move in and start putting my hand down in her pants, i finger her and she starts moaning. we were in the living room because nobody was there, as she was moaning i looked around and i see her brother pass by me, i stare at him for a ... | fingering a girl. | |
0 | 11 | 0.42 | 0 | dirty sex toys were found, and i have to be out by the end of the month... | my landlord did a surprise inspection when i was out of town. | |
44 | 11 | 0.89 | 44 | first of all, this occurred many years ago, but that doesn't change the amount of fuckuppery that took place.
so, i was in grade 6 or 7, it was november 11, and my school was having a remembrance day assembly. the assembly was typical - poems, a couple videos, etc, and then one of the younger grades had a song that th... | having a really loud fart during a remembrance day assembly | |
8 | 5 | 0.79 | 8 | so i got a windows 7 ultimate disc and decided i should upgrade and start fresh. i decide that i will keep all my files (about 400 gigs) so i brought my laptop to school to hook up to one of the extra hard drives while i had decided to reinstall. so get to school and whats the first thing my dumbass self does? put the ... | i wanted to upgrade my windows but didn't back up my files so now i have 400 gigs of videos and school work to redo/redownload. | prematurely formatting my hard drive. |
13 | 8 | 0.57 | 13 | some friends of mine convinced me to play catch with them, but we didn't have a ball, so one of the kids found a sharpie, and i didn't wash my hands after.
now that i think about it, the pen did smell like ass, but i thought all black sharpies smell like ass. besides, if someone was gonna stick a sharpie in their butt... | playing catch with some friends, now i have pink eye. | |
77 | 13 | 0.86 | 77 | this happened 2 minutes ago. me and my girlfriend were laying in my bed at my parents house relaxing (long distance relationship so things heat up fast) and naturally we start fooling around. i'm feeling good she's doing great, and were both really into it, and this is where the fuck up begins.
in the heat of... | not closing the door. | |
8 | 15 | 0.59 | 8 | okay so this morning i woke up extremely tired, looking for a way to wake my self up (i don't go back to sleep easily, so i decided to wake up instead). i chose food (what else!?)
so i went to the kitchen, poured some cereal into a bowl and got a cup, got out the milk and juice (i have the same god damn thing every da... | woke up tired as fuck and poured juice on my cereal and liked it** | making breakfast |
2 | 4 | 0.52 | 2 | okay, so this technically happened about a week or two ago, but i didn't decide to post it here until just now.
so my friends and i were walking down the hall before first period. this woman (whose face i never actually saw) was walking the opposite direction, carrying a lot of stuff. i saw her drop something small an... | helping someone pick something up | |
5 | 11 | 0.59 | 5 | so here i am chillin in bed, my bong besides me with a packed bowl.. i decide to roast the little bugger and upon taking this huge rip while my lungs expand i tilt back a little too far and, i end up swallowing a gulp of week old bong water (daily smoker too). shocked is an understatement...i did everything i could to ... | smoking weed | |
4 | 4 | 0.67 | 4 | **warning!: wall of text which could easily be viewed as really fucking boring**
the background of the relationship is that we had met online and hadn't met yet. he lives 200 miles away from where i live, but my life's rather busy and he doesn't have a job right now (unemployment in his region is over 50%, so i don't ... | would be that **he effectively told me i should live in a region he hates and i admire because i clearly don't understand the political climate — in so many words, we should break things off.** however, it's much deeper than that. apparently, half his family is from said region (and it's the half he dislikes, of course... | asking for the truth from someone i would have been in a loving relationship with |
425 | 42 | 0.85 | 425 | a family has contacted me to paint a portrait of their grandmother who is dying. emails have been sent back and forth about how they want it done, what i'm going to charge, and i just sent one now with the last line being "do i have a deadline?" as soon as i clicked "send" my stomach flipped. i've never wanted an email... | being an insensitive idiot in an email i can't get back. | |
38 | 31 | 0.66 | 38 | some of you may remember this post from 4 months ago, (tripping in gym class and kising a girl by accident). well, she (emily) and i (mark) are still going strong, we've been on about 15 dates, kissed numerous times, and, (can't belive i'm saying this) she put out once. this was all thanks to one redditor, (i cant reme... | kissing a girl and embarrasing the the shit out of myself. | |
18 | 12 | 0.76 | 18 | i showed my mom my tumblr blog today. everything was going great; she liked my pictures, but we never made it past my first page. after seeing my blog she wanted to make her own.
after hearing her say that, i realized. oh my goodness, my mom will be able to see my blog and all the pictures of half naked men in that i ... | showing my mom tumblr | |
429 | 64 | 0.96 | 429 | i had my electronics class today and my professor gave us an assignment where we have to make something from nothing. nothing being the broken computers and other electronics that we could find in our workroom.
my group decided to build a boat, because honestly, hot gluing a block of styrofoam to a cpu fan is the eas... | i bricked my phone by giving it shock therapy with an oscillator.** | testing a speaker. |
0 | 3 | 0.23 | 0 | hey bitches. today i had a fucks ups cause i took a wee wee and got some piss dribbles on me hands and when i went to wash my hands i forgot bout those urine droplets and i cusped my hands together to get a drink, allowing for my leak and my wawa to mix and run down my throat. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee | drinking piss dribbles | |
112 | 57 | 0.8 | 112 | my sisters boyfriend sexually assaulted me in my sleep. i knew no one would react well, but i told them anyway. now my little sister hates me because she thinks i tried to seduce her boyfriend because he told her i did and he rejected me. she believes him. my other family think i had a ptsd reaction or did what he said... | telling the truth and now my whole world is falling apart. | |
9 | 30 | 0.86 | 9 | this i've liked for a while tells me she likes me, and she wants to text me over break. she puts the number in my sketchbook on wednesday. today is thursday, last day. usually, i have my sketchbook, but i didn't have anything i wanted to draw, so i left it in my locker all day. when the time came to go, i didn't have i... | forgetting girl's number in locker over spring break. | |
17 | 7 | 0.75 | 17 | i seldom go to starbucks but today i decided i should go, well inner me decides, "hey! lets get a frappucino!" i'm lactose intolerant and coffee usually upsets my stomach, but hey i really wanted to go to try the new hazelnut frappe and this totally escaped my mind. just because hey i'm thirsty! so i order it and drin... | go to starbucks, shit myself. | going to starbucks. |
42 | 17 | 0.86 | 42 | this was actually a few weeks ago, but over the course of my relationship with my girlfriend we have shared quite a lot of intimate texts between each other. among those however are the rest of our texts, usually filled with sweet messages, thoughtful things, important life events, etc. i have my phone set to back up a... | accidentally backed up sexts to brother's computer, he discovered them, he now knows the things my girlfriend and i do in bed. | accidentally letting my 14 year old brother see my sexts |
16 | 9 | 0.83 | 16 | my life has gone to hell recently. about a month ago, my ex and i broke up, which i am over now, but then today happened.
it was a normal schoolday, and i had gotten home. i dropped my phone, cracking the inner screen (which means it won't work anymore), and in addition, there was a break in the motherboard of the phon... | my phone, and my computer. | |
7 | 2 | 0.65 | 7 | my cat likes to sit on my toilet as i'm showering. probably because he likes how warm the bathroom gets as i'm showering. and my house had (or has in this instance) a mouse. so the other day i jump in the shower. and sure enough my cat is sitting on the toilet, as usual. so i'm showering and i decide to shave my pubes.... | my cat is going to be the end of me | |
0 | 1 | 0.15 | 0 | bitches, man. | now down is jealous. | |
44 | 18 | 0.8 | 44 | forgive me for any grammar mistakes, i'm not very good with words
so, i was watching my little cousin fiddling around on my moms ipad, just playing games and the usual until he stumbled across bachelor party photos. thank god this wasn't my mom's bachelor party, it was actually a distant aunt's, i saw some of the foll... | watching my little cousin use my mom's ipad. [possibly nsfw] | |
27 | 8 | 0.89 | 27 | i say today i fucked up but really it was on st patricks day.
being irish, st patricks day is a big deal to us and that means getting shit faced and having a good time, and thats what i did. i got pretty drunk, went to a club and had a great st paddys day. there were bands playing and it was genrally just a great nigh... | trying to jump over a wall... | |
124 | 37 | 0.87 | 124 | well it wasn't today but rather last night.... after a few drinks and a blunt (we are both ents), my boyfriend and i decided to "do the dirty" since its been a few days. we were getting really into it when he decides he wants to do anal again. i'm not a big fan but we have done it before and he knows to be gentle so i ... | i sharted on my boyfriend during sex. | sharting on my boyfriend |
8 | 10 | 0.71 | 8 | i swallowed a prozac capsule with some water and things seemed fine. about 10 minutes later, i burped and what looked like *smoke* puffed out of my mouth.
i was alarmed, but then remembered the pill i had taken. i'm guessing it became lodged in my throat somewhere and dissolved, and i burped up the powder.
the powder... | swallowing a pill wrong. | |
785 | 378 | 0.9 | 785 | throwaway because she reads here some times.
so i bought a tablet because i was moving, and planning to keep my gaming computer in a public area. the intent was for the tablet to be, primarily, a medium for streaming porn to private parts of the house where i could enjoy it and not be creepy with porn in the living ro... | letting my crush use my tablet during band practice | |
25 | 10 | 0.93 | 25 | so closing time rolls around at the restaurant where i work and i see that one of the waitresses is emptying the ice machine into an almost full bucket with water. i thought that it would be really heavy if she filled it up all the way so i decided i would help out and dump it out for her before she finished, making it... | inadvertently turning down a kiss from a very attractive coworker. | |
2 | 4 | 0.47 | 2 | ok so first off i would like to say its not funny till the end so prepare to be like "o shit" and then "is this ever going to end" but enjoy.
so i was going downstairs about 2 hours ago to get something to eat and possibly to drink. while downstairs i notice my mother eating a salad, and naturally i was like fuck yea ... | i damn near killed my mom while being the "salad ninja" and had to explain what had happened to the paramedics while having a hitler mustache. | having a terrible choice in mustache at the wrong time... |
8 | 3 | 0.88 | 8 | well, today was farming day, and i was needed to do a lot of job outdoors. so i thought about applying mosquito repellent on my skin to not to be distracted by stings. there was two bottles of spray on the shelf - mosquito repellent and "do not apply directly on skin" tick repellent. guess what spray i used without loo... | using tick repellent directry on my skin | |
1 | 1 | 0.36 | 1 | using my spare-throwaway account for this...
right, i went to the shops are bought myself some chocolate milk (there is a bloody amazing brand of it in the shops) and i came home, browsed reddit on my phone for 15 minutes, then went to drink my milk. as i was drinking some, my little sister comes up to me and says "gi... | not sharing the chocolate milk... | |
0 | 10 | 0.42 | 0 | it's my birthday today and i'm skimming the edge of life right now. what do i mean by that? i've got two bald tires on my car and one has a slow leak. i have to pump that tire up (150 strokes) to get it to 30 lbs of pressure almost every time i have to drive anywhere. at least i have a car that runs. my wages were just... | i found a wallet... | |
13 | 8 | 0.76 | 13 | so reddit, i think i may have just fucked up real hard. i decided to get a late night snack in the dark, so i grabbed a hotdog bun from the package. in hindsight, it did feel a little stale, but i'll get to that later. so i get back to watching a movie and eating my delicious hotdog bun, when i realized, 95% done with ... | eating molding bread | |
2 | 5 | 0.75 | 2 | so i forgot to get my mother a gift on mothers day and i though it would be fine. although what i did forget to also do is even say happy mothers day to her. i should have said something before but now my mom's upset thinking that i don't like her. i'm mad at myself that i even stopped this low. it's not that i don't l... | forgetting mothers day | |
63 | 22 | 0.88 | 63 | i woke up around 10, and as i walk out my room, i stretch and whack my left elbow against the door frame. (you know the tingling sensation you get, i got that strong.) i go to the bathroom and i make my way to the stairs.
(my house is weird so it's set on four levels with three sets of stairs. the middle set is made o... | jumping down a load of stairs and landing on my dog. | |
37 | 14 | 0.81 | 37 | so i got shitface drunk last might.
on my way home i decided to stop in an alley and take a piss.
i ended up writing my initals beautifully in the snow.
i figured it would be a good idea to take a picture and post it to facebook seeing it was going to be spring.
well i'm shitfaced and the flash on my camera wasn't ... | taking pictures of my piss in an alley. | |
5 | 8 | 0.7 | 5 | (this actually happened yesterday, but whatever)
stupid brainfart. i forgot, the women's room is right next to the classroom and the men's room is across the hall. i didn't even realize until i noticed there were no urinals. when i walked out, i saw a girl i know about to walk in. i just muttered "wrong bathroom" and... | walking into the women's bathroom. | |
49 | 10 | 0.86 | 49 | this actually happened weeks ago, but i still find it amusing.
anyway,
it was a cold wednesday morning, meaning late start at my high school, so i have extra time to do whatever in the morning if i don't sleep in. me and my father always go to bojangles' where my uncle is the manager on wednesday mornings to eat and ... | coughing while driving | |
180 | 38 | 0.88 | 180 | this happened a few years back so i know its not today, but its my cake day and i do what i want.
so i was working at a fast food restaurant working the grill. it was a particularly busy day, and i didn't have a lot of experience on the grill. i was working with a few good friends and this girl lets call her cathy. n... | told a girl with burns on 90% of her body "i hope you burn yourself" | telling a girl i hope she burns herself. |
0 | 0 | 0.23 | 0 | technically it was yesterday, but whatever.
yesterday i wanted to check my balance and get a bit of cash out so on my way to uni i stopped off at the atm. i took my card out from my wallet and put it into the machine, but i noticed that i accidentally put some paper in as well as the card. seeing as it still managed t... | at the atm | |
0 | 3 | 0.21 | 0 | *note: before i begin, this is more of a funnier fuck up...just sayin'
this morning i walked into my school all happy and shit and saw my ex,sitting by the wall. like the nice person i am i walked over to say hi and ask her how her morning was going. that was my first mistake. apparently our 4 month seperation and she... | cussing in front of 3 teachers... | |
120 | 44 | 0.75 | 120 | after much pleading with my girlfriend i was able to convince her to have special sexy times. that's right, i was going to take my love canoe to the grand tetons! not only that, but i was going to, for lack of something clever, cum right on her neck, which sounds fantastic and foolproof! how naive i was to think that i... | tried to make babies in my girlfriend's eye. | during sexy times |
38 | 15 | 0.87 | 38 | so i'm an electrician at a failing electrical company and due to lack of work my boss decided to let me have a easy/boring week of stripping the insulation of a bunch of cable. after 2-3 days of this the blade of my stanley knife was becoming rather blunt and was having to use more force than necessary. so, i replace t... | of my thumb | |
7 | 1 | 0.85 | 7 | [here's the pic after day 2](http://imgur.com/6jek6gh)
i bartend and around 2:30am last saturday night, i reached down for a whiskey bottle (f u fireball!) and didn't realize it was broken as i grabbed it.
ended up with ten stitches in my ring finger on my right (dominant!!) hand... i couldn't do anything for all of ... | getting in a fight with a whiskey bottle at work. the whiskey bottle won. | |
63 | 35 | 0.85 | 63 | so, i went to practice tonight, like any other night. tonight being the start of the season, we were picking our numbers. it went something like this
coach- alright pog232 what number do you want
me- how about 44
coach- no, grizzly (big ass defender, hence the name grizzly) has that
me- ok what about 69?
(this goes on... | accidentally bringing up the death of my coaches son. | |
2 | 3 | 0.6 | 2 | i bought new glasses a year ago and new lenses into my old frame at considerable cost, subsidized by insurance. i figured i wouldn't need vision care for at least another year, so i did not renew coverage january 1.
now i have spots and other freaky things in my vision. | not renewing my vision coverage jan 1. | |
14 | 19 | 0.88 | 14 | i went on a road trip to visit my mom last week. it was my first time driving to nyc. my map app told me that it was a toll road so i pulled out $20 cash thinking it would be plenty. i'm from the midwest and i've never paid a toll that was higher than maybe $4. i've made the drive up i95 as far north as baltimore all t... | gas to get from ga to ny round trip was around $200. tolls and citations will probably end up being over half that. so much for my idea to take a spontaneous road trip and surprise my kids with a visit to grandma's house. | failing the jersey turnpike |
33 | 8 | 0.77 | 33 | once upon a time i stuck a sewing needle into a syringe to use as a prop for a drawing i was doing. kept it in case i wanted to do something else with it.
months later i'm cleaning/reorganizing the upstairs of the house (i have free reign of the 3 rooms + bathroom) so things are haphazardly thrown in piles. my mother ... | it looks like i do iv drugs | |
4 | 3 | 0.63 | 4 | this actually happened a few years ago. i was hanging out with a friend at a school dance, and a ping-pong ball rolled our way from a nearby table. i picked it up and gave it to my friend because she wanted to hold it for some reason. she looked at me before throwing the ball and yelling, "fetch!" playing along, i ran ... | chasing a ping-pong ball. | |
579 | 73 | 0.89 | 579 | okay, so i just got off work today and i had to tell this story somewhere. i work in a call center for a cable company for their tech support. today i got a specific call about something along the lines of "when i open internet explorer all that comes up is a giant white screen and i can never close out of the pages"
... | tried helping someone with a problem even though it was out of my realm of support and ended up looking at multiple pages of an elderly man's porn, then had to close it out for him because he didn't know how. tifu. | trying to help an elderly man use ie on windows 8 |
7 | 1 | 0.67 | 7 | i was trimming around my ears with my beard trimmer that has an adjustable length attachment, it adjusted from #4 to #1 and now i look like just bieber.. | trimming around my ears.... | |
116 | 30 | 0.9 | 116 | technically it was not today but last friday, hope you forgive me there. also, forgive the bad english of a spanish speaker.
so i´m a nervous guy,and this week, the money my parents gave me for college went away faster than usual, because i had to buy some groceries on my apartment that i didn´t account for. now, i ... | jumped out of a bus, walked back home and got carried back to the hospital to find out walking normally was out of the table for the next two or three months. | jumping from a moving vehicle. |
284 | 48 | 0.88 | 284 | hey reddit. you know the way when, whenever you cum... you get really tired after?
yeah. so i made the mistake of masturbating. in bed. late at night. while tired. here is what transpired.
you see, i have weird fetishes. i'm the first to admit that. transformation? fuck yeah. hyperendowment? hell yeah motherfucker! l... | falling asleep with really kinky interactive porn on my computer screen |
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