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The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen
(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown... |
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an
issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV
and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big
pipe organ, and she's real... |
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Ross: Okay, sure.
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Subway,... |
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with
noodles?
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
revelation.
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
you gonna say?
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um... |
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica: What for?
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job
things.
(Monica exits.)
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
Frannie: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?
Monica: Ho... |
The One With The Sonogram at the End
The One With the Sonogram at the End
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us,
kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y... |
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!
Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days...
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the
kitc... |
Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on
with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to
share with the folks?
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise
you guys have been wondering what exactly hap... |
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the
baby's name?
Carol: Marlon-
Ross: Marlon?!
Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about
... |
The One With The Thumb
The One With the Thumb
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys!
All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the ... |
Monica: We're with you. We got it.
(Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of sight.)
Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this
giant karmic debt.
Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(Chandler tries to shrug noncha... |
Ross: ...What shoe?
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked
smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
(Dubious pause.)
Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future
boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I... |
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel: 'Indeed there isn't'... I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(They degenerate into bickering an... |
The One With George Stephanopoulos
The One With George Stephanopoulos
Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]
Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day,
I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, goo... |
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this
on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel: What are you guys doing here?
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping,
and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron.
You look like you're in a play.
Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look a... |
Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with
Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like
we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that
night... It was the first frost...
Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, s... |
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George
Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the
window.)
Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Monica: I see pizza!
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She
runs up and takes ... |
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
The One With the East German Laundry Detergent
Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
[Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.]
Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that... |
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together
tonight? You know, as friends?
Angela: What four of us?
Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose
as his girlfrien... |
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I
don't see suds.
Rachel: What?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross:... |
Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your
whites, and now, everything's kinda pink.
Rachel: Oh, everything's pink.
Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please
don't be upset, it could happen to anyone.
Rachel: Except it didn't. It happen... |
The One With The Butt
The One With the Butt
Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to
start.]
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's
picture! This is so exciting!
... |
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I
rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or
less.
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we'... |
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He
hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has
just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
All: Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica: Well, what's the part?
Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino!... |
The One With the Blackout
The One With the Blackout
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof and Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by: Ruth Curran
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is playing her guitar for the
crowd.]
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music
of... |
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go!
All: Come on.
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the
foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back.
Joey: We have a winner!
[Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monic... |
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice.
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not so much a question as..
more of a general wondering... ment.
Rachel: OK.
Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been wanting to, um....
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Ross)
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right.... |
The One Where Nana Dies Twice
The One Where Nana Dies Twice
Written by: Marta Kaufmann & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
With Help From: Rachel Stigge
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee break.
Shelley enters.)
Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese... |
Ross: Now she's passed.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are there.]
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(Monica and Ross enter.)
Rachel: So, um, di... |
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet
'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoeb... |
The One Where Underdog Gets Away
The One Where Underdog Gets Away
Written by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked ... |
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, ev... |
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a little
piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't
be with my family because of my disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lump... |
The One With The Monkey
The One With the Monkey
Written by: Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.)
All: Oooh!
Monica: W-wait. What is that?
Ross... |
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes over to their table)
Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is decorating for Christmas.]
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders off)
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kisse... |
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) There. Now there is.
Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
Joey: Uh, four.
Ross: Four.
Rachel: Five.
Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands)
Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching ... |
Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
Sandy: Yeah.
(They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them)
Joey: Hey, kids...
Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler) Look at him. I'm not
saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Janice: (Startles them) The... |
The One With Mrs. Bing
The One With Mrs. Bing
Written by: Alexa Junge
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Monica: Why?
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Monica: Oh m... |
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My
Guy playing in the background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to
him.]
Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the
mayor wants to rai... |
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to
bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside
and shuts the door)
Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Joey: Ross, how could you l... |
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot!
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on
their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.
Rachel... |
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