id stringlengths 6 6 | score int64 0 48.5k | title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k |
|---|---|---|
5txko2 | 0 | Sure Fire Pickup Line. “Get in the car bitch……I got a gun!” |
5txkjs | 0 | Why did Michael Brown cross the road?. He didn't. He's dead. |
5txkf9 | 3 | The term OP on r/Jokes. Is pretty ironic |
5txk4p | 0 | I'm an avid supporter of the Flat Earth Society!. I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere. |
5txju2 | 5 | People in California.... At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!"
___
They can't make up their *dam* minds. |
5txjhw | 3 | I took ribeye to the top of Everest.... The steaks could not be higher. |
5txja2 | 8 | A man finally buys tickets to bring his family to the super bowl.... He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would m... |
5txj9n | 10 | Why do the riot police show up at concerts early?. To beat the crowd. |
5txj4q | 0 | Would you say 5 plus 7 is 13. or 5 plus 7 are 13? |
5txinv | 3 | Jaws. Two guys are hitchhiking down the highway. At the same time an older couple is driving on the same road. The man has diarrhea something fierce. Every few miles he has his wife pull into a service station. Finally she gets tired of this and tells him “I’m not stopping. If you have to go that bad, hang your ass... |
5txijz | 1 | My substitute teacher had diarrhea.... She couldn't control her Pewp Hole. |
5txidp | 33 | Sex Statistics on a Plane.. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual stati... |
5txid4 | 0 | YEE HAWWW LETS ROUND UP ALL THEM DIRTY N-. Crowd : D:<
Me: Nazis. . . . .
Crowd: *Sigh of relief*
Me: Especially Hans . . . . .Fuck Hans. |
5txhvu | 20 | A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay.... The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him.
"Hey," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will... |
5txgny | 1 | Police arrested two guys in the riots. One for looting batteries, the other for throwing fireworks.. They charged one and let the other off. |
5txepd | 8 | A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead. Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs |
5txeab | 0 | Have you heard of the new LGBTQ Music Awards?. Yeah, they’re going to name it “The Trannies” |
5txe5k | 1 | Joe bought a gun . . .. Joe bought a gun. He walked right into the sporting goods store, up to the gun counter, and picked out a semi-automatic .12 gauge shotgun with a box of buckshot shells. The entire process took no more than twenty minutes.
Joe left town and drove for a couple hours before exiting the highway an... |
5txdts | 0 | My pal is a comedian.. He woke me up late last night and asked if I could write a few gags for his set in a couple of days, because his mom just died and he was busy with her funeral. I agreed to help him out and asked if he had a topic in mind.
He said, sorry, I'm too upset to be thinking about chocolate right now.
... |
5txcdx | 4 | Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road?. To get to the udder side. |
5txc36 | 4 | I got kicked out of a grocery store.... for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle. |
5txbr9 | 3 | What do you say to a Woman with no arms or legs?. Nice Tits. |
5txbj3 | 37 | Measurements. A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measu... |
5txbgj | 4 | [NSFW] Did you hear about the guy whose house was overrun with cats?. Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle. |
5txbd0 | 47 | I am going out with my valentine tonight. I wish I could post it on different sub |
5txaon | 3 | I've been suffering from an extreme form of memory loss. alt-zheimers |
5txagl | 33 | A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!". The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.
The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?"
The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg." |
5tx9do | 18 | Relationships are a lot like algebra.. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? |
5tx93d | 7 | Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?. They used a cumin shield. |
5tx8td | 30 | An Engineer Goes to Hell. An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and... |
5tx887 | 4 | How do you find Will Smith in the snow?. You look for the fresh prints. |
5tx7rl | 3 | I first realized we were a poor family when on my birthday I asked for the new sweet iphone.. And got a candy apple. |
5tx7im | 1 | If Harry Potter were about pirates:. "It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR" |
5tx7di | 7 | An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better. The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested."
The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell ... |
5tx607 | 8 | When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day. I agreed and realised way later that included sex |
5tx604 | 7 | It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work.... But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow. |
5tx5ur | 98 | My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace". So I got her nothing. |
5tx58b | 1 | US Politics are. Hillaryous. |
5tx4yx | 8 | Women are time and money. Women = time • money
Time is money
Women = money^2
Money is the root of all evil
Therefore
Women = Evil |
5tx4dz | 0 | What's a ninjas favorite drink?. WWWAAAATTTAAAAr... |
5tx34v | 6 | A pecan walks into a library.... The librarian says, "so do you live in one of those little round houses?
Pecan says, in a nutshell, yeah! |
5tx274 | 0 | I used to be a fan.... But now I'm just an air conditioner. |
5tx20x | 2 | I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said "I love you and only you". I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards |
5tx1o9 | 2 | My wife is very anti-kids and I finally got her to agree on how many kids we'll have. We're having two litters. |
5tx1gz | 4 | Donald Trump makes the best deals.. Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time. |
5tx0ba | 0 | 3 old ladies are sitting on a bus. The first one says - it's windy.
Second one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday.
Third one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink. |
5tx0au | 21 | You know your girlfriends a keeper. If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats |
5tx06v | 2 | I've never done drugs before.. I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ...
can I get an ounce of cocaine?
look pal, I only sell grams!
fuck it, give us an ounce of grams then! |
5twzm5 | 0 | Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the middle of the night?. Crib death |
5twzc8 | 14 | I need help writing a BDSM joke.. I'm having trouble working out all the kinks. |
5twxgc | 12 | Whats black and screams?. Stevie Wonder answering the iron |
5twvwj | 8 | When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF?. When he realized it just wasn't going to work out. |
5twvdf | 26 | How do you know if you have a high sperm count?. She chews before she swallows. |
5twvbp | 5 | So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused. and ended up fucking her dad... :/ |
5twvb3 | 4 | Roses are red Violets are blue. I’ve got genital warts soon you will too |
5twufa | 141 | A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.. They start to feel some light precipitation
"I think it's raining" says the man
"No it's snowing" replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man.
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"... |
5twu7y | 3 | My girlfriend doesn't know any Metallica songs. She couldn't name One |
5twtj4 | 2 | I have an inferiority complex. but it's not a very good one. |
5tws6c | 25 | Three types of boobs. A family was at the dinner table.
The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??
Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs"
"In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm."
"In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still ... |
5tws5q | 6 | You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it?. You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes. |
5twrpv | 21 | 3 nuns die and go to heaven.... They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis?
The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers.
Dip your fingers into the holy water an... |
5twrk1 | 18 | A nurse walks up to the Doctor. The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen |
5twqzh | 109 | I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray. He was a seasoned Veteran |
5twqm6 | 6 | One snow day a mother is making brownies for her kids. She accidentally knocks her youngest son's jar of bb's into the brownie mix. She says "oh it'll be alright"
Several hours after the brownies were done her youngest son comes to her with tears in his eyes and says "Mommy, when I was using the restroom I was peeing ... |
5twqis | 5 | A man is served whiskey on a flight. A man is served whiskey on a flight.
The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too?
Priest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips
The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a c... |
5twqfa | 11 | A Chinese man is at a wedding. And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor."
And the Chinese man says, "What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese."
To which the Jewish ... |
5twnq8 | 10 | How do you castrate Vladimir Putin?. Kick Donald Trump in the chin. |
5twna3 | 1 | Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?. Because their Great Igloos melted. |
5twly8 | 4 | Knock knock. KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA |
5twl6q | 6 | What type of investment do chemists prefer?. They have an affinity for bonds. |
5twl2f | 0 | Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.. D J Trump: Fake News! |
5twk7e | 4 | What do you call a lesbian cavewoman?. A Troglodyke! |
5twj6j | 9 | What did one boat say to the other?. Are you up for a little row-mance? |
5twhrn | 1 | Colleagues. A female student walks down the street of a college town. She had a stressful day and is dying to smoke a cigarette, but her lighter simply won't work. Then she notices a few young women hanging out on street corner. She's shy, but eventually works up a courage to approach them. Out of nervousness she blurt... |
5twh45 | 9 | Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra... He says it's a rigged erection |
5twgog | 1 | Michael Flynn bumps into Donald Trump. Pardon me. |
5twghc | 6 | How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall?. They're already over it. |
5twg1j | 28 | an American and a Australian are in the trenches. the American asks: did you come here to die
the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday |
5twg0c | 0 | Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?. "No".
I thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you. |
5twfqx | 0 | Communism.. Master race. |
5twfn7 | 25 | God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.. My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.”
My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?”
I... |
5twfi9 | 11 | I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery.. I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd. |
5twfhz | 1 | An Irish man walks into a builders merchant. He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it.
He says: "don't you worry, it's fine in the tin" |
5twf3h | 30 | A Swede, an Icelander and a Norwegian end up shipwrecked on a deserted island.. One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says:
"... |
5twezr | 2 | I used to hate the ballet. Now I just watch like nobody's dancing. |
5twevg | 9 | Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day?. He woke up. |
5tweor | 2 | After the death The Monkees' Davy Jones.... I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family.
|
5tweaw | 0 | What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze?. "Great scotch!" |
5twdke | 3 | How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony?. It's not hard... |
5twdga | 22 | Trump & Trudeau. Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says:
Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator.
Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald.
Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch.
Justin: That's also t... |
5twbjv | 4 | In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano?. Tulips on an organ. |
5twb5a | 135 | Twin sisters just turned 100 years old. Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the... |
5twavt | 0 | Have you ever gone out on a first date and she tells you she never sleeps with anyone until at least the third date?. That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you. |
5twa7n | 3 | As a musician, I've learned the best way to win a Grammy.... ...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele. |
5twa2k | 9 | Life is like a diploma. My parents keep telling me to get one. |
5tw99s | 1 | What do you call Adele's groupies?. The infadeles |
5tw8w7 | 1 | What do you call a person in love with a pie. Piesexual! |
5tw83v | 144 | What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards. Flashbacks |
5tw7x9 | 0 | Why did the white girl count by odds to ten?. Because she can't even |
5tw6uz | 4 | I found a place where the recycling rate is 52%. Switzerland |
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