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Hello everyone welcome back this is our second Q&A question time on helping others this week so we're gonna get right down to it don't get to it like and subscribe and also any questions that you might have that you want answered please put in the comments and we'll get to them as quickly as we can | |
what it is that's wrong, what it is they need to change, what they need to achieve, or how, or where they're going. So I just know what it is to feel lost, what it is to feel in a place of no one to go to for the answers that you're looking for, or even know what the questions are in the first place, but just know tha... | |
And we're not taught enough about any of this stuff about how to become the best version of ourselves. So I just think it's a beautiful thing to share everything that you learn with the world as much as you possibly can because it's free as well to help other people, right? You know, it's free and you get reward from ... | |
Not only from the universe but internally as well, it's just nice to know that you're doing something good. My relationship with that has changed though because I did get to a point where it was extremely unhealthy. I was messaging every single person back, every single inbox message that I had from anyone asking for ... | |
And now I feel in a different space where it's like the videos, the time, and the effort that I put into making them into doing a podcast. And that's enough. That's enough. That's enough to help people. That's enough to put out. I'm doing enough as far as I'm concerned. And every now and again, I might message somebod... | |
I really feel like I could help them. And I've got a bit of time right now, just coincidentally at that moment. I'm really free and have lots of energy. And what they have said invokes some sort of response from me. I might go, yeah, do you know what, I'm going to give you my time. I'll give you a voice note. | |
But outside of that, I feel like it's important to have that balance now where I don't get so engrossed in helping so many people every day all the time. That actually leads perfectly into question two was, what challenges have you faced while helping other people? | |
Yeah, so that the challenge can be one that it becomes part of yourself worth is so hinged on being there and available to these people all the time feeling responsible for them and don't get me wrong, I can genuinely mean responsible for someone's life because people can be in such an unhealthy situation mentally and... | |
when they are leaning on you for this support, this advice, you are literally their only person. Even though they don't know you, this is totally through social media, through a video they've seen and they'll send you a message. And as I said, I was replying to everything and then they just want more help. They need m... | |
I'd get messages to say, if you don't reply, I'm going to kill myself. And it's like the worst of the worst days. Yeah, and obviously that's only ever happened once to be fair. And I did reply, but that was kind of towards the end of my time of being so invested in it. So I was like, this is too much. This is too much... | |
giving people mental health advice, which I always did say anyway at the start of every conversation, but it was affecting me to the point it was like, wow, this is a lot of time, a lot of energy. And I think also when I was doing a lot of lives as well, and I did message somebody else off of a life that I did, and th... | |
rehab and it was going okay and then he just kind of fizzled out of communicating with me and then I didn't hear anything and then a year later his sister was on my live and let me know that he died from an overdose and he was like 19 but that's about that time. I was like that broke me in half on the live I sort of b... | |
Yeah, again, like it was just taking a lot. Then it's like, if it's taking so much to the point where you're not able to give as much to yourself, then it's a problem. But there is so many people that need help all the time. And I think you just have to kind of find that balance where you know, right, I'm doing enough... | |
the help that I'm putting out there is enough and people engage with it and they like that and that's helping them in one way or another. Take it if you like it. If you don't, don't watch it. That's enough. Do you know what I mean? That's enough for me to do now. So I guess that was my own thing that I needed to work ... | |
being able to do something good for people and using that suffering to help others as well. It was like, yeah, it really felt great for me to actually finally have that shift. And people really like me for this. People really appreciate me for this. And having that huge contrast was probably a little bit addictive for... | |
I feel like the first three questions have literally led into each other perfectly. Because the third one is, is there a time when you shouldn't help other people? Which is a brilliant question. Yes, there is a time when you shouldn't help other people. When you need more help yourself, I think it's difficult to be he... | |
shit together for lack of a better phrase because you're the person who needs the help from you. I think that's what everybody gets stuck on as well, because it does feel so good to help other people. It's very rewarding, internally, externally, everything is so good. | |
And it can be like a drug, but it can distract you from yourself. That's the biggest thing if people are doing it all the time because they can't deal with how they feel about themselves and helping others makes them feel good about themselves. And that's the only reason for doing it, instead of just wanting to help o... | |
dopamine hit of being a good person and feeling that reward of watching somebody's face smile or somebody's life change. | |
There's almost nothing really higher as a reward, but if you are not so well yourself and you're doing those things, it's not going to end well. It didn't, like I said for me, it didn't for me. Like doing all of that didn't, didn't make me feel good towards the end. It just made me feel sad. It made me feel really dra... | |
And you get to a point where you just feel like, I want to help them all, but I don't know how. There's not a lot I can do. So you feel a bit helpless. And it's just so much. And you feel it was starting to feel a bit sad because you think there's so much pain in the world. There's so much pain going on all the time. ... | |
It's not a good thing. So, again, I had to just turn my attention to myself and go, yeah, all right, I need to have time for me. So I had a year off when I first did social, first got cleanser, so I had a year of social media, no apps, nothing, no account, all on pause. So you can even see me ghost for a year. And the... | |
And then that was after that year of doing that. I stopped again and I'd stopped posting. I think I did like two or three posts in the following year. So I'd look another year off essentially. I'd still had the app so I just wasn't engaging with it really and didn't really do anything with it every now and again. I'd ... | |
I'd already paid my debt to the universe that I felt I owed as well. So now my relationship is totally different with it. So now I feel like I could come back into it. I'm not dependent on it. I've got it on separate phones as well so that I'm not too engaged with it. I can leave that phone wherever and I don't even h... | |
If you can't have a healthy relationship with helping other people, then you shouldn't really do it. And also, if you are not capable of daily giving yourself everything you need, if you are someone who would compromise yourself to help other people, or ignore your own needs, or ignore the fact that you actually need ... | |
That makes me look good and everybody else will see that I'm fine. You still shouldn't be doing it. It's not good because one, the advice you're giving is going to be wrong and two, you're going to end up fucked. You're going to end up in a really difficult situation if you're... But Barrymore and I was always consist... | |
So I never really gave up on me. I was always investing in me. But obviously since I've stopped doing it so aggressively in terms of communicating with everyone, I've allowed myself to have more time for me. Again, so my investment into me has gone up loads. So now I've got like a much bigger piece of my daily pie tha... | |
So yeah, I feel like that's an important thing to have down if you're going to consider helping people. | |
So it's fair to say that if the time that you shouldn't help other people is if you're not in the right position yourself and also if you haven't really invested in yourself at the time. If you haven't got, yeah, if you haven't got a recognized routine within yourself to help you and that includes your mental health, ... | |
as long as you're investing on all those things daily, then I feel like you can invest as much time as you want helping other people. But if it starts creeping into eating into those things, so you start sacrificing yourself for others, I personally don't think that's a good thing. | |
and what negative changes if any. Is there any people that stand at not names, obviously, but any people that stand out that you can think, I saw these positive changes in this person from... Oh, one of my... one of the lads that I helped is very close friend of mine now. He's... I've done amazing. I even look at him ... | |
Yeah, he's just turned from this really quiet, kind of lost boy to a healthy, strong, confident, capable, successful man. And he's smashing life in every single way like | |
Yeah, there's a few, there's a few that I've worked with that have changed their life to that degree. But one particularly, you know, Santa, and he was a close friend of mine. Yeah. He's, he's really changed so much. Just, just matured, just matured so much. And he was a great person to work with, though, people who l... | |
Yeah, it's like willingness as well. Even if he didn't necessarily believe in what I said, he would just go and try it anyway. That's the mentality you need, isn't it? If you've got that mentality, so to work with people like that, that's beautiful. That's just a harmonized relationship, friendship that can grow and m... | |
or you get people that start listening and then they start thinking that they know it all. So because they're doing well, you know, I've had people that I've worked with them and like they got like a year under their belt and then they were like, I'm gonna do this and I'm like, you should probably do this though. That... | |
So I have this innate gift from seeing the future with people sometimes, and it's frustrating, because I tend to be right a lot of the time among sometimes as well, but it is frustrating. It's almost like a gift and a curse at the same time because you can see people going to do something that is most likely not going... | |
So it's fine if the people listen, but when you know the person's not going to listen, you just have to let them go and let them do whatever they're going to do. And if you care and love that person, care about and love that person, then it's very difficult to let them just go and do what they're going to do and know ... | |
Yeah, there's, yeah, I have more than once. It happens a lot. It happens all the time. To be fair, I'd say people are more likely to not listen and do whatever they want to do than they are to listen. Like that first guy that I mentioned, he was the rarest one that of everyone I know. He has listened the most and done... | |
But he's not only just like did everything that I've said, he's tried things that I've said and they didn't necessarily work for him and he went and found his own version of doing that which worked better for him. But because he tried that in the first place, it led him onto something else. So it's not a case of why h... | |
he was willing to at least explore everything that I'd suggested to him and then found a healthy way for him to incorporate something of that nature in his life that has led him to where he is now and that's because he was willing to do the work, he was willing to | |
do things that his brain told him that wouldn't work even. Someone always has a negative view on something that they think is going to be hard. So they're like, oh no, that's not going to work. So lots of consciously, they're just like, oh, I can't do that. Whereas this lad, even though his brain told him he couldn't ... | |
But to see how his relationships develop with his parents as well, it was like something real. And he was always willing to come and talk to me as well and be honest and be really vulnerable. I've had these lads in tears about just difficult emotional scenarios. They've been found themselves in with family members and... | |
It's nice when things go well. It's not nice when things don't go well, but that's just life, isn't it? | |
I'd love it if I could say I do it really well, but I don't. No, I don't. It depends. It depends how much I care about the person. | |
If I really care about them, I don't deal with it so well, because I probably put too much effort into getting them to do the right thing when they just need to go make the mistake or even if it's not a mistake, it might not be a mistake. My opinion is it might be a mistake and they might go and do it and it's all rig... | |
Yeah, I think if I don't care so much about the person in terms of like I have personal feelings towards them also I always care about anybody that I'm trying to help but to a point of I'm personally invested. | |
If I don't have that, then it's easier to detach from it. It's easier if they're not going to listen. Okay, fine. If you want to go do that, cool, go do that. Good luck. I hope that works out well for you. And I think internally I might be probably frustrated, but externally I won't say anything. It doesn't really fru... | |
And I don't know why that is. It's been a big problem for me to be fair. I can't, it's like I can't let it go. I can't let it go. And then I also, I can become, these are some of the biggest things I'm working on in my life right now. So there's always something, there's always a goal that I'm trying to achieve, you k... | |
People disagreeing with me when I feel I'm right, when I kind of know, when I think I know I'm right, the ability to just let go. That is something that I'm developing right now, and I'm getting better at it. | |
Yeah, that is one of the things that I wish I could do better is just to let somebody go and do whatever they're going to do and not try and fight so much, even if I do care about them. To give them an honest opinion, I'll always do, but then let it go. | |
I've said one bit and let it go and I wish you well and I hope it goes okay for you. Whereas before my struggle has been, if you're not going to understand what it is I'm saying to you, why can't you see what I'm saying? Especially when I know I've been in their situation before and they've not been in their situation... | |
about that situation as if they've done it a million times. And they've had the results. And I'm like, I have done it a million times and I have had the results. And it always worked out like this. And they're trying to say, nah, that's only because that's you, that's your situation. I'm like, yeah, that's true. And i... | |
Yeah, I feel like I'm getting way better right now, especially the last couple of weeks. But I think the important thing that I learned about all those scenarios is the people that I was getting frustrated with. I run, I really love them. I really care about them a lot. So that was why it was probably more important t... | |
And most of the stuff that I had said has materialists, exactly as I said, and they have got hurt and people have got hurt. That's the frustrating thing. But I had to accept one that they need to go and do that. Two that I could be wrong. And three, I had to recognize something in myself that I was too attached to the... | |
to involved in their life. The reason it was frustrating me so much is because I was listening and hearing these problems every day from certain people. And I love them, so I was willing to be there and try and listen and help and support. But what happened was I grew tired of hearing the same things over and over aga... | |
Therefore, the way I delivered things was worse. It wasn't from a caring place, it wasn't from a kind place. It was from a place of frustration, a place of almost disappointment and that is not helpful to those people that I loved. | |
the decision to then actually step back from certain friendships in order to protect them from me really and I feel like those relationships are actually better now because of that you know I spoke with one of them particularly yesterday and I was just really lovely to speak to them and actually see where they're at a... | |
I'm not attached to either and I can just be proud of them and support them and do whatever I need to do to be a friend to them in that space and in that environment which was just what I felt that was better for us anyway. So where we needed to go was that place. And I couldn't do that because I was too close to help... | |
every single day, hearing every single thing about every single problem, and I could see so many patterns of behaviour. I remember repeating of the same mistakes or the same behaviours, getting them into the same problems over and over and over again. And it was like, yeah, that was what made it difficult for me to de... | |
and you're too involved, your help isn't necessarily always going to be received well and delivered well because you will get frustrated with people because people are human beings and we're by nature really fucking annoying, especially when we're working on ourselves and we're trying to undo years and years of behavi... | |
Yeah, you're going to have to be really patient if you want to be that much involved in somebody's life and that much involved in helping them and I just realized actually I don't need to be so involved in these people's lives because it doesn't help them as much and I can help them better from a distance and from bei... | |
more energy from me. They've got more patience from me. They've got a better delivery, a better way of communicating, more understanding, more calm, and more appreciation for what they're doing. As opposed to frustration and disappointment, which is perhaps how they might have felt that I eventually got with them, whi... | |
my emotion got the better of me in that situation. So yeah, I think that's a good thing to try and exercise as well as if you feel to involve to step back, you know, to step back and let them, let them go and do their own thing. | |
Yeah, with that I think this routine isn't it it's about being routine Yeah, I mean I'm when it comes to going to the gym like I could have been I've been routine with the gym It's about having enough hours in a day though as well, isn't it? And the only way to increase that is get up earlier go better earlier | |
but then you're going to carve out time with the misses in the evening if you want to go better earlier. So there's always going to be compromise on somewhere, but if you can operate on like six hours sleep, then that always helps you. But I would say getting, yeah, for the gym stuff, it's always going to be getting u... | |
It's about asking questions as to why you're struggling to make changes. What are the problems? What is it that you're trying to achieve that you're not achieving? And then how do you apply yourself to achieve those things on a daily basis? But yeah, it's such a broad question. You can answer specifically unless they ... | |
But to achieve anything, anything is it for me. Like I said, routine is the one thing that's gonna help you achieve stuff. But then you could say, what if I'm struggling to get routine? I guess, if I could have my little 2 cents input, I'd say the one thing that did help me in most areas of my life is habits, daily ha... | |
If you're struggling to invoke big changes in your life, you might create a picture of what it is that you want to achieve. And within that picture, that's a list of things that you want for yourself, or to be able to do. That in itself is massive. The end goal is massive of what you want to achieve. | |
But the actual getting there is not as hard as what that end result looks like because you can actually break it down. I would always say break it down. So my routine at the moment consists of five things every day that I do. And then it also consists of doing therapy every week as well. And some form of physical exer... | |
to get to a point where I am doing the five core things every day and the therapy every week. I didn't just go right, I'm doing that. It was like, it's taken me four years to get to this point and I've implemented loads of different things throughout that time. | |
You might hear about something that you want to implement and go, I want to do that. You try to implement it and then it doesn't work. It doesn't, it doesn't, you don't get the feel for it in the same way that maybe others would. I do think there are certain things even if you don't get feel free, you should just be c... | |
say that I need to buy myself an hour. Well, let's break it so I get up an extra hour early every day immediately. It's quite hard. I'm going to go 15 minutes earlier tomorrow. And then after that, I'm going to do 30 minutes. And then after that, I'm going to do 45. And then after that, I'm going to get to an hour. | |
Then I've taken me four days, but I've bought myself that hour now. We could even do that probably a week. Okay, this week, I'm just gonna get up at quarter to six or quarter to seven. Next week, I'm gonna get up at half past six, following week, I'm gonna get up. You can always give yourself time to get to these plac... | |
next week I'm going to go twice, following me, I'm going to do three, and then the following I'm going to do four. That's a great answer. | |
Do you know what I mean? It's like, break it down. The end goal is fucking hard. Go into the saying, I'm going to the gym every day, because you're always going to let yourself down. Because it's hard to just fucking die. Because especially when you've already got there, you've already achieved it once. You almost fee... | |
after your first week. Right. Okay. So I can just break it down. I'm just going to do one. I'm going to do two the following week. I'm going to do three the following and then four and five. Same in anything. What's your sound only have to go to Jim once next week? I'm not saying anything. That's how you talk to yours... | |
But it has been about being motivated to get up and bearing more on, I have so many things that I already do for myself. So I had another and it's like, well, we've got to have to get up even earlier. So there is the end goal that's the difficult part, but if you can break it down, it's like, okay, what's the next ste... | |
You haven't got to think about the 20 steps and the jump. You just got to think about the step, the next one. I'm going to think about the next step and the next step is why I'm going to go to the gym once for half an hour. Can I do that? Yeah, that's probably not a lot to ask. Can I squeeze that in yet? That's not to... | |
to change, to become the better version of you. Everybody wants the result. And to get the result is a mountain. It's like now, but I'm at the bottom of the mountain, and I've all got to do right now. I've all got to do to pick up my backpack and put it on. I've got to start walking. Just take a couple steps. Can I do... | |
apps are fucking locally, I do. Yeah, no, I think everywhere would everything and everyone would be better if everybody was willing to help one another more freely, you know, without without wanting a reward just just for the act of kindness alone. Yeah, I think if we really applied ourselves into that as an endeavor ... | |
It would be if everyone was lovely for a day. It would be amazing. It's so much more would be achieved. It would be absolute game changer. If we woke up every day and set a goal of saying I'm going to help one person today, even if it's a small thing, if everybody had that as a goal, | |
Everybody would just be unlikely, so much less fear. I mean, because you wouldn't, the assumption is that most people are fucking dangerous. So everybody walks around like with a little bit of skepticism and fear in their mind about a stranger. Whereas if everybody helps everyone all the time, eventually people would ... | |
Hell. My hope is that the most of those people who are really successful, like Tony Robbins, for example, I guarantee that he as a person has helped a lot of people for free. | |
Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of talking about events. I wouldn't really want them in that bracket actually. I would like to, I would like to think that there's a lot of, that these people have become successful because they did a lot of free stuff for a long time. I hope I would, I would hope that that's why... | |
It's different if they have always just been monetising it. The agendas have always been, I just want to own money, I just want to own money. I don't know much about Tony Robbins as his career has developed and changed what he started at and what he did at the first port of call for his life. | |
I guarantee he hasn't always done what he's done, so he's after he's had to have worked really fucking hard to understand himself and human beings in the way that he does to help them and he should be rewarded with a life for that as well, and I think everybody should as well. So yeah, I don't see a problem with peopl... | |
It's necessary sometimes for us to see something as valuable it has to have a price. Do you know what I mean? So sometimes if things are free, | |
people don't value them as much. I had that when I was, so I started this online recovery course. Basically, you got a one-on-one with me every week, and you know, you could text me whenever you wanted if you wanted a bit of advice throughout the week. And people were paying for it, and it was going well, it was reall... | |
I eventually started to feel like it was a bit unfair to charge for it, so I decided to do it for free. And when I changed it to do it for free, the people stopped coming. People stopped coming. They didn't want to do it anymore because it was free. I said, yeah, I'll keep doing it. You just don't have to pay for it a... | |
People like Jordan Peterson, he brilliant at teaching that kind of stuff. Psychology of humans. Where is there something? He's brilliant. That man is just unbelievable. He's intelligent. That loves level. He's incredible. Like what he is teaching, man, especially, is so needed, is so good. And he's so clever. Nobody c... | |
brings together science, religion, and society, politics, everything. He can bring it all together in a way that's understandable and relatable. Yeah, and really good guy, really, really good guy. But again, with him, he's probably making more money now than he's ever made before. And he deserves it. Why not? So yeah,... | |
There's a question here. What's the hardest thing about helping other people? But I'm not sure if you've maybe covered that already with the difficulties of the hardest thing about helping other people. Yeah, I think the hardest bit thing is we're watching them fail. Watching people fail is miserable. That's the harde... | |
Especially when you know they're more than capable of doing it, they can do it. And it's so I give you an example, like sometimes there's a certain friend of mine. I know exactly what it is that that person needs to focus on. And it's really sad because if they focus on it's going to hurt a lot. | |
And it would, but if they do focus on it, it will change everything in their life to get exactly what they want. It will make their lives so much better. And it really is a self-worth issue. And it's like, right, you need to look at that. And all these other things that you focus on, they'll come. | |
And they have the intellect, they have the ability, the strength, the resilience to do it. I know that with all my heart, but they will, their body, their brain will not let them do it at the minute. And knowing that, you know, if they did that, their life would be amazing. You know, all the dreams and ambitions they ... | |
And it's so painful to the point where you just have to kind of step back and let them do it and just hope that they get there, hope that they get there on their own, that they find their path to that door. The answers are behind that door and they basically look at all the other doors because that door's too scary. T... | |
But that's the one door they don't open all the time. They open all these other doors that they've tried a million times. And they have been successful at the things behind those doors, but they haven't fixed, what needs to be fixed, which is behind this door. It's like, just knock on that door, open it. Stop avoiding... | |
But then suddenly everything just comes together. It's like, I need to look in the right place if I keep looking here. And when you see people looking, basically it's like a pattern of behaviour that they've always had, then they just keep repeating it over and over. And it's like, look, fucking go and do this. I prom... | |
Nah, that's not what I need to do and start. It really is. I wouldn't be saying it if it wasn't, you know, I wouldn't be this adamant and I wouldn't, you know, I love you. So I wouldn't be saying this to you if I didn't know that this was the right thing for you to do. So yeah, that's probably the hardest thing I'd sa... | |
Yeah, always, 100%. It's hard, it depends on the person, like I use family as an example, you know, I've spent so much time and energy trying to help one particular family member |
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