dad_jokes.txt

What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.
I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!
Did I ever tell you about the time I went mushroom foraging? It’s a story with a morel at the end.
What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.
Why do crabs never volunteer? Because they're shell-fish.
I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.
What's a shark's favorite saying? "Man overboard!"
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race? You're toast!
I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday. I don't think he cared.
How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? She wrote about it in her diary.
Why did the electric car feel discriminated against? Because the rules weren't current.
I'm such a good navigator, a self-driving car once asked me for directions.
Why do melons have weddings? They cantelope.
What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son.
Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.
I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, "If it is broke, I'll still fix it."
Where did the pumpkins have their meeting? In the gourdroom.
What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a dadda-base.
I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.
I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware.
Who won the neck-decorating contest? It was a tie.
Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
I'm so upset—my barber said he can't cut my hair any longer. He can only cut it shorter.
What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.
What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.
Why couldn't the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn't avocado.
I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.
How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.
What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.
Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.
Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course—a house can't jump.
I was going to try an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.
I was going to tell a joke about the layoffs, but sadly none of them work.
What's the hardest tea to swallow? Reality.
Why did the employee at the calendar company get fired? He took a day off.
I was raised as an only child. It drove my sister nuts.
Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
You don't need a parachute to go sky-diving. You only need one to go sky-diving twice.
It's not easy being a mom. Otherwise, dads would do it.
My dog just ate a $100 bill. I guess he has expensive taste.
The guy who stole my diary went missing. My thoughts are with his family.
What did the cow say to the leather chair? "Hi, Mom!"
I'd love to have kids one day—but only as long as I can handle them.
Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now.
My résumé is a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
Why did the social-media manager break up with her boyfriend? Lack of engagement.
My wife always complains that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.
I threw a boomerang months ago. Now I live in constant fear.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing… but not at a funeral.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years—I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.
A woman passed out on the merry-go-round. She's coming around.
There was a break-in at the wig factory. Police are combing the area.
I once submitted 10 puns to a competition. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
I tried to make up a joke about ghosts but couldn’t. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
Dad: "What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?" Me: "I don’t know." Dad: "You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna." Me: "What about the pot of glue?" Dad: "I knew you'd get stuck on that."
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asked, "Got a favorite song?" The other replied, "All my life I’ve been a heavy-metal fan."
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance… so I pushed her over.
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
How many stormtroopers does it take to change a light bulb? None—they’re all on the dark side.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
Hi, I'm Cliff. Drop over sometime.
Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doc pulled $1,999 from his ear and said, "No wonder you’re not feeling two grand!"
Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: "Ah, this takes me back."
What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.
I was making a joke about retirement. It did not work.
The other day I bought a thesaurus but every page was blank—I have no word to describe how angry I am.
The tuxedo-store owner kept hovering, so I said, "Suit yourself."
Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fry-day.
Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay—he woke up.
I found a book called "How to Solve 50 % of Your Problems," so I bought two.
Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground a few minutes ago.
Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? They got to the bottom of the hill.
What’s the best present? Broken drums—you just can’t beat them.
I made a song about tortilla once; now it’s more like a wrap.
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
Heard about the fragile myth? It was busted.
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
What do you call a criminal landing an airplane? Con-descending.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me.
Why do people in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Dawn is tough on Greece.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Justice is a dish best served cold—otherwise it’s just water.
Never throw Grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle—you might denture car.
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
Lunch box to fridge: "Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler."
Want a space party? Planet.
Why couldn’t the tree log on? No login.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite road? A dead end.
What did the grape say when stepped on? Nothing—just a little wine.
Alien to landscaper: "Take me to your weeder."
Me: "I want to write when I grow up." Dad: "Why don’t you left instead?"
How many apples grow on apple trees? All of them.
Elvis to his landscaper: "Thank you—thank you for the mulch!"
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out.
Mother broom to baby broom: "Time to go to sweep."
Circus clowns jumped me, but I went for the juggler.
Shout-out to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three—the left, right, and final front-ear.
Heard about the famous pickle? He’s a big dill.
I tried to buy a lighter on Amazon—only 3,472 matches.
Need a highway in an art studio? Use a mile marker.
How does Vin Diesel keep in touch? Zoom calls.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing—it’s on the house.
Why do only some couples go to the gym? Some relationships don’t work out.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.
Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.
Broken clock? A waste of time.
Why did the teddy bear decline cake? He was stuffed.
Astronaut’s favorite board game? Moon-opoly.
How do you make Bud wiser? Send him to school.
Santa’s favorite state? Ida-Ho-Ho-Ho.
Seen traffic circles? Pointless.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? The P is silent.
What’s a dog’s favorite superhero? Labra-Thor.
Heard a swimmer yelling for help—shark circling. I laughed; that shark wasn’t helping.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Chicken staring at salad: "Chicken sees a salad."
Cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Riding a carousel—horse, giraffe, lion. Get off the ride.
I have a horse named Mayo—and Mayo neighs.
Which family owns the zebra? None in our neighborhood.
Cutest sea creature? A cuddle-fish.
Elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.
Man with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. Bartender: "Does it talk?" Parrot: "I don't know."
Parrot + caterpillar = a walkie-talkie.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.
Fish with no eyes? Fshhh.
Pony at a noisy bar: "Sorry! I’m a little horse!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
Why aren’t dogs allowed in bars? They can’t control their licker.
Why was the baseball player fired? He ran three bases then walked home.
Why don’t fish play basketball? They’re scared of the net.
Why take extra socks to golf? In case you get a hole in one.
Sprinter’s pre-race meal? Nothing—they fast.
Dad’s boxing joke? I missed the punch line.
I don’t play soccer for fun—I do it for kicks.
Where do basketball players get uniforms? New Jersey.
Why no glasses in football? It’s a contact sport.
Best animal in soccer? A score-pion.
Quarterback vs. baby: one snaps, one naps.
I was addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.
Why can’t pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
Don’t play tennis in the jungle—too many cheetahs.
Sports fan vs. angry chicken? A foul mouth.
Why couldn’t the baby score? He was always dribbling.
I'm afraid for the calendar—its days are numbered.
My wife said lunges would help. That’s a big step forward.
Singing in the shower is fun—until it’s a soap opera.
Tick + Eiffel Tower = Paris sites.
Bow-tied fish? So-fish-ticated.
Follow Will Smith in snow? Look for fresh prints.
April showers/May flowers—what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Clothes shrinking? Nope, refrigerator makes them smaller.
Dry skin at work? No elbow grease.
Factory making okay products? A satisfactory.
Dear Math, solve your own problems.
Janitor jumping out of closet: "Supplies!"
Chocolate record player? Sounds sweet.
Ocean to beach? It just waved.
Why seagulls over the ocean? If over the bay they’re bagels.
I only know 25 letters; I don’t know y.
Moon haircuts? Eclipse it.
One wall to the other: "See you at the corner."
Zero to eight: "Nice belt!"
Skeleton walks into a bar: "One beer and a mop."
Vacation spot for fruit? Pear-is.
Asked my dog 2-2—he said nothing.
Baby Corn to Mama Corn: "Where’s Pop Corn?"
Best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag’s a plus.
Where to learn banana splits? Sundae school.
More letters than the alphabet? The post office.
Dad, haircut? No, got them all cut.
Poor Santa? St. Nickel-less.
Cashier ignored my Blockbuster card—no ID needed.
Sick boats go to the boat-doc.
Don’t trust trees—they’re shady.
No sense of direction—so I packed and right.
Get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Egg jokes? They’d crack each other up.
Don’t trust stairs—they’re up to something.
No body, no nose? Nobody knows.
Rumor about butter? Not spreading it.
Bicycle couldn’t stand—two-tired.
One hat to the other: "Stay. I’m going ahead."
Billy got fired from banana factory—kept tossing bent ones.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, they won’t fit me.
Nose can’t be 12"—then it’s a foot.
Lemon on the phone? "Yellow!"
Crowded graveyard—people dying to get in.
Egg’s car? A yolkswagen.
Put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
Taco grace? Lettuce pray.
Dentist appointment? Tooth-hurty.
Skeleton didn’t climb—no guts.
Snowman tantrum? A meltdown.
Octopus laughs with ten-tickles.
Chemistry joke? No reaction.
45-cent concert? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Bee’s hairbrush? A honeycomb.
Make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Sad math book—all its problems.
Cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Ninja shoes? Sneakers.
Penguin house? Igloos it together.
Harry Potter down the hill? Walking. JK—Rowling.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Guy walks into a bar—disqualified from limbo.
Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
Two vegans arguing—still a beef?
Ordered a chicken and an egg—still waiting.
Box for leftovers? I’ll wrestle you for them.
Car’s muffler is exhausted.
Shout out to my fingers—I can count on them.
Kid resists nap—guilty of resisting a rest.
Fastest-growing capital? Dublin.
Dreamed of orange-soda ocean—a Fanta sea.
Cheeseburger walks into a bar—no food served.
Fired from juice company—couldn’t concentrate.
Played piano by ear—now use hands.
Tried catching fog—mist.
Seafood diet—I see food, I eat it.
Scarecrow won—outstanding in his field.
Pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
Make a Kleenex dance—boogie.
Reading anti-gravity book—can’t put it down.
Inventor of knock-knock joke won no-bell prize.
Great construction joke—still working on it.
Hated facial hair—then it grew on me.
Sold my vacuum—it was just gathering dust.
Neck brace fitted years ago—never looked back.
People pick their nose; I was born with mine.
Brown and sticky? A stick.
Psychiatrist in the bathroom—P is silent.
Elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant.
Pampered cow gives spoiled milk.
I like telling dad jokes—sometimes he laughs.
Best-smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
Personal trainer quit—gave my two-week notice.
Fell in love during a backflip—heels over head.
Kid refuses nap—resisting a rest.
Ordered chicken and egg online—will let you know.
Takes guts to be an organ donor.
Crime at Apple Store? iWitness.
Good at sleeping—do it with my eyes closed.
Time-travel joke? You didn’t like it.
Vet to cat: "How are you feline?"
Lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.
M&Ms arguing? An M-passe.
Fake noodle? Impasta.
Belt of watches? A waist of time.
Run-over strawberry? Traffic jam.
Two monkeys sharing Amazon account? Prime mates.
Pony with sore throat? A little hoarse.
Where do math teachers vacation? Times Square.
Chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
Garlic gets hot—takes its cloves off.
Robot’s favorite snack? Computer chips.
Santa’s sleigh parking? It’s on the house.
Mountains are hill-areas.
Clouds wear thunderwear.
Piggy banks are wise—full of common cents.
Peter Pan always flying—he Neverlands.
Cheap sled? You have toboggan.
Dogwood tree—know by its bark.
Hated facial hair—but then it grew on me.
Not a dad joke? Faux pa.
Hot dog on wheels? Fast food.
Young trees learn at elementree school.
Circus fire? It was in tents.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Lawyers say goodbye—“We’ll be suing ya.”
Paper joke? Tearable.
Watch fly-fishing? Live stream.
Spring is here—I wet my plants.
Pizza joke—too cheesy.
Don’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Velcro purchase? Total rip-off.
Astronaut’s favorite PC part? The space bar.
Elevator jokes work on many levels.
Bees have sticky hair—they use a honeycomb.
State with most streets? Rhode Island.
Coffee reported a mugging.
Fish hits a wall—dam.
Pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
Crime at Apple Store? iWitness.