119
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 2a   (I. E. Worksheet 2)
myths in the Way of interpersonal e ffectiveness
myths in the Way of o bjectives e ffectiveness
 1. I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
 2. If I make a request, this will show that I am a very weak person.
 3. I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request.
 4. If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets upset with me.
 5. If they say no, it will kill me.
 6. Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-  centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do.
 7. Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do.
 8. I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.
 9. I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself.
10. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently I wouldn’t have to
bother everybody else.
11. If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make any difference; I don’t care really.
12. Skillfulness is a sign of weakness.


12. Skillfulness is a sign of weakness.
Other myth:  Other myth:
myths in the Way of r elationship and Self-  respect e ffectiveness
13. I shouldn’t have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it).
14. They should have known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn’t have to tell
them.
15. I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want.
16. Other people should be willing to do more for my needs.
17. Other people should like, approve of, and support me.
18. They don’t deserve my being skillful or treating them well.
19. Getting what I want when I want it is most important.
20. I shouldn’t be fair, kind, courteous, or respectful if others are not so toward me.
21. Revenge will feel so good; it will be worth any negative consequences.
22. Only wimps have values.
23. Everybody lies.
24. Getting what I want is more important than how I get it; the ends really do justify the means.
Other myth:  Other myth:


Handouts for Obtaining
Objectives Skillfully


123
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). interpersonal effectiveness Handout 3
overview:
obtaining o bjectives Skillfully
clarifyin G priori TieS
How important is:
Getting what you want/obtaining your goal?
Keeping the relationship?
Maintaining your self-  respect?
oBjecTiveS effec Tivene SS: Dear man
Be effective in asserting your rights and wishes.
relaTionS hip e ffecTivene SS: Give
Act in such a way that you maintain positive relationships and that
others feel good about themselves and about you.
Self-  reSpecT effec Tivene SS: faST
Act in such a way that you keep your self-  respect.
facTorS  To con SiDer
Decide how firm or intense you want to be in asking
for something or saying no.


124
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 4   (I. E. Worksheet 3)
clarifying Goals in i nterpersonal Situations
oBjecTive S effecTivene SS: Getting What y ou Want from another p erson
••Obtaining your legitimate rights.
••Getting another person to do something you want that person to do.
••Saying no to an unwanted or unreasonable request.
••Resolving an interpersonal conflict.
••Getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously.
questions
1. What specific results or changes  do I want from this interaction?
2. What do I have to do to get the results? What will work?
relaTionS hip e ffecTivene SS: keeping and i mproving the r elationship
••Acting in such a way that the other person keeps liking and respecting you.
••Balancing immediate goals with the good of the long-term relationship.
••Maintaining relationships that matter to you.
questions
1. How do I want the other person to feel about me  after the interaction is over (whether or
not I get the results or changes I want)?
2. What do I have to do to get (or keep) this relationship?
Self-  reSpecT  effecTivene SS: keeping or i mproving Self-  respect
••Respecting your own values and beliefs.
••Acting in a way that makes you feel moral.


••Acting in a way that makes you feel moral.
••Acting in a way that makes you feel capable and effective.
questions
1. How do I want to feel about myself  after the interaction is over (whether or not I get the
results or changes I want)?
2. What do I have to do to feel that way about myself? What will work?


125
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 5   (I. E. Worksheets 4, 5) (p. 1 of 2)
Guidelines for Objectives Effectiveness:
Getting

What You Want (DEAR MAN)
A way to remember these skills is to remember the term DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(Stay) Mindful
Appear Confident
NegotiateDescribe Describe the current Si tuAt ion (if necessary). Stick to the facts.
tel
l the person exactly what you are reacting to.
“You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”
Express Express your f E E ling S an d opinion S ab out the situation.
Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
“When you come home so late,
i
 start worrying about you.”
us
e phrases such as “I want”  instead of “You should,” “I don’t want”
instead of “You shouldn’t.”
Assert Assert yourself by ASki ng for what you want or SAYi ng no  clearly.
Do not assume that others will figure out what you want.
Remember that others cannot read your mind.“
i
 would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”
Reinforce Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak)
by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need.
if ne


by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need.
if ne
cessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting
what you want or need.“I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that.”Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.
(continued on next page )


126interpersonal effectiveness Handout 5   (p. 2 of 2)
(Stay)
 M indfulKeep your focus ON  YOUR  GOALS .
Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic.
“Broken record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over.
Just keep replaying the same thing again and again.
Ignore attacks: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject,
ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you.
Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions.
Just keep making your point.
“I would still like a call.”Appear  confident Appear EFFECTIVE  and competent.
Use a confident voice tone and physical manner;
make good eye contact.No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating.No saying, “I’m not sure,” etc.
Negotiate Be willing to GIVE TO GET .
Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem.
Reduce your request.
Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way.
Focus on what will work.
“How about if you text me when you think you might be late?”
Turn the tables: Turn the problem over to the other person.
Ask for other solutions.
“What do you think we should do? . . . I can’t just stop worrying about
you [or I’m not willing to].”
Other ideas:


127
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 5a
applying D ear man Skills
to a Difficult c urrent interaction
To turn around really difficult situations, focus the skills on the other person’s behavior right now.
When other people have really good skills themselves, and keep refusing your legitimate requests
or pestering you to do something you don’t want to do.
apply D ear man Skills
1. Describe the current interaction. If the “broken record” and ignoring don’t work, make a
statement about what is happening between you and the person now, but without imputing motives.
Example:  “You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several
times,” or “It is hard to keep asking you to empty the dishwasher when it is your month to do it.”
not: “You obviously don’t want to hear what I am saying,” “You obviously don’t care about
me,” “Well, it’s obvious that what I have to say doesn’t matter to you,” “Obviously you think I’m
stupid.”
2. express feelings or opinions about the interaction. For instance, in the middle of an
interaction that is not going well, you can express your feelings of discomfort in the situation.
Example:  “I am sorry I cannot do what you want, but I’m finding it hard to keep discussing it,”
or “It’s becoming very uncomfortable for me to keep talking about this, since I can’t help it. I am


starting to feel angry about it,” or “I’m not sure you think this is important for you to do.”
not: “I hate you!”, “Every time we talk about this, you get defensive,” “Stop patronizing me!”
3. assert wishes in the situation. When another person is pestering you, you can ask him
or her to stop it. When a person is refusing a request, you can suggest that you put the
conversation off until another time. Give the other person a chance to think about it.
Example:  “Please don’t ask me again. My answer won’t change,” or “OK, let’s stop discussing
this now and pick it up again sometime tomorrow,” or “Let’s cool down for a while and then get
together to figure out a solution.”
not: “Would you shut up?” “You should do this!”, “You should really calm down and do what’s
right here.”
4. reinforce.  When you are saying no to someone who keeps asking, or when someone won’t
take your opinion seriously, suggest ending the conversation, since you aren’t going to change
your mind anyway. When trying to get someone to do something for you, you can suggest that
you will come up with a better offer later.
Example:  “Let’s stop talking about this now. I’m not going to change my mind, and I think this is
just going to get frustrating for both of us,” or “OK, I can see you don’t want to do this, so let’s
see if we can come up with something that will make you more willing to do it.”
not: “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again,” “If you keep asking


me, I’ll get a restraining order against you,” “Gosh, you must be a terrible person for not doing
this/for asking me to do this.”


128
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). interpersonal effectiveness Handout 6   (I. E. Worksheets 4, 5)
Guidelines for r elationship e ffectiveness:
keeping the r elationship (G ive)
A way to remember these skills is to remember the word G ive (D ear man , Give):
(Be) Gentle
(Act) interested
validate
(Use an) e asy manner(Be)Gentle BE NICE  and respectful.
No attacks: No verbal or physical attacks. No hitting, clenching fists. No harassment of any
kind. Express anger directly with words.
No threats: If you have to describe painful consequences for not getting what you want,
describe them calmly and without exaggerating.
No “manipulative” statements, no hidden threats. No “I’ll kill myself if you . . . ”
Tolerate a “no.” Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful. Exit gracefully.
No judging: No moralizing. No “If you were a good person, you would . . . ”
No “You should . . . ” or “You shouldn’t . . . ” Abandon blame.
No sneering: No smirking, eye rolling, sucking teeth. No cutting off or walking away.
No saying, “That’s stupid, don’t be sad,” “I don’t care what you say.”
(Act)InterestedLISTEN  and APPEAR  INTERESTED  in the other person.
Listen to the other person’s point of view.


Listen to the other person’s point of view.
Face the person; maintain eye contact; lean toward the person rather than
away. Don’t interrupt or talk over the person.
Be sensitive to the person’s wish to have the discussion at a later time. Be
patient.
ValidateWith WORDS  AND  ACTIONS , show that you understand the other person’s
feelings and thoughts about the situation. See the world from the other person’s point of view, and then say or act on what you see.
“I realize this is hard for you, and . . . ”, “I see that you are busy, and . . . ”
Go to a private place when the person is uncomfortable talking in a public
place.
(Use an)
Easy mannerUse a little humor.
SMILE . Ease the person along. Be light-  hearted. Sweet-talk.
Use a “soft sell” over a “hard sell.” Be “political.”
Leave your attitude at the door.
Other ideas:


129
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 6a
expanding the v in G ive: levels of v alidation
1.  pay attention: Look interested in the other person instead of bored (no
multitasking).
2. reflect Back: Say back what you heard the other person say or do, to be sure you understand exactly what the person is saying. No judgmental language or tone of voice!
3. “read m inds”: Be sensitive to what is not  being said by the other person.
Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what is
happening, and what you know about the person already.
Show you understand in words or by your actions. Check it out and make sure you are right. Let go if you are not.
4. understand: Look for how what the other person is feeling, thinking, or
doing makes sense, based on the person’s past experiences,
present situation, and/or current state of mind or physical condition (i.e., the causes).
5. acknowledge the v alid: Look for how the person’s feelings, thinking, or actions are valid responses because they fit current facts, or are
understandable because they are a logical response to
current facts.
6. Show e quality: Be yourself! Don’t “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Treat the other as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.


130
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). interpersonal effectiveness Handout 7   (I. E. Worksheets 4, 5)
Guidelines for Self-  respect e ffectiveness:
keeping r espect for y ourself ( faST)
A way to remember these skills is to remember the word fa ST (D ear man , Give fa ST).
(Be) fair
(No) apologies
Stick to Values
(Be) Truthful
(Be)  FairBe fair to YOURSELF  and to the OTHER  person.
Remember to VALIDATE  YOUR  OWN  feelings and wishes,
as well as the other person’s.
(No)  ApologiesDon’t overapologize.
No apologizing for being alive or for making a request at all.
No apologies for having an opinion, for disagreeing.
No LOOKING ASHAMED , with eyes and head down or body slumped.
No invalidating the valid.
Stick to valuesStick to YOUR  OWN  values .
Don’t sell out your values or integrity for reasons that aren’t VERY  important.
Be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and
acting, and “stick to your guns.”
(Be)  TruthfulDon’t lie.  Don’t act helpless when you are not.
Don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.
Other ideas:


131
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).« Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 8   (I. E. Worksheet 6) (p. 1 of 3)
Evaluating Options for Whether or How Intensely to Ask
for Something or Say No
Before asking for something or saying no to a request, you have to decide how intensely you
want to hold your ground.
Options range from very low  intensity, where you are very flexible and accept the situation as
it is, to very high  intensity, where you try every skill you know to change the situation and get
what you want.
OptIONS
Low intensity (let go, give in)
Asking Saying No
Don’t ask; don’t hint.  1Do what the other person wants without being
asked.
Hint indirectly; take no.  2 Don’t complain; do it cheerfully.
Hint openly; take no.  3 Do it, even if you’re not cheerful about it.
Ask tentatively; take no.  4 Do it, but show that you’d rather not.
Ask gracefully, but take no.  5 Say you’d rather not, but do it gracefully.
Ask confidently; take no.  6 Say no confidently, but reconsider.
Ask confidently; resist no.  7 Say no confidently; resist saying yes.
Ask firmly; resist no.  8 Say no firmly; resist saying yes.
Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep
trying. 9Say no firmly; resist; negotiate; keep trying.


trying. 9Say no firmly; resist; negotiate; keep trying.
Ask and don’t take no for
an
answer.10 Don’t do it.
High intensity (stay firm)
(continued on next page )


132interpersonal effectiveness Handout 8   (p. 2 of 3)
facTorS  To con SiDer
When deciding how firm or intense
you want to be in asking or saying no, think about:
 1. The other person’s or your own capability.
 2. Your priorities.
 3. The effect of your actions on your self-  respect.
 4. Your or the other’s moral and legal rights  in the situation.
 5. Your authority  over the person (or his or hers over you).
 6. The type of relationship you have with the person.
 7. The effect of your action on long- versus short-term goals.
 8. The degree of give and take in your relationship.
 9. Whether you have done your homework  to prepare.
10. The timing  of your request or refusal.
 1.capaBiliTy: ••Is the person able to give you what you want? If YES , raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Do you have what the person wants? If NO , raise the intensity of NO .
 2.priori TieS: ••Are your GOALS  very important? Increase intensity.
••Is your RELATIONSHIP  shaky? Consider reducing intensity.
••Is your SELF - RESPECT  on the line? Intensity should fit your values.
 3.Self-  reSpec T: ••Do you usually do things for yourself? Are you careful to avoid acting helpless when
you are not? If YES , raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Will saying no make you feel bad about yourself, even when you are thinking about
it wisely? If NO , raise the intensity of NO .


it wisely? If NO , raise the intensity of NO .
 4.riGhTS: ••Is the person required by law or moral code to give you what you want? If YES ,
raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Are you required to give the person what he or she is asking for? Would saying no
violate the other person’s rights? If NO , raise the intensity of NO .
 5.auThori Ty: ••Are you responsible for directing the person or telling the person what to do? If YES, raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Does the person have authority over you (e.g., your boss, your teacher)? And is
what the person is asking within his or her authority? If NO , raise the intensity of
NO.
(
continued on next page )


133interpersonal effectiveness Handout 8   (p. 3 of 3)
 6.relaTionShip: ••Is what you want appropriate to the current relationship? If YES , raise the intensity
of ASKING .
••Is what the person is asking for appropriate to your current relationship? If NO , raise
the intensity of NO .
 7.lonG-Term
verS uS
Shor T-Term
GoalS:••Will not asking for what you want keep the peace now but create problems in the
long run? If YES , raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Is giving in to keep the peace right now more important than the long-term welfare of the relationship? Will you eventually regret or resent saying no? If NO , raise the
intensity of NO .
 8.Give an D Take: ••What have you done for the person? Are you giving at least as much as you ask
for? Are you willing to give if the person says yes? If YES , raise the intensity of
ASKING .
••Do you owe this person a favor? Does he or she do a lot for you? If NO , raise the
intensity of NO .
 9.home Work: ••Have you done your homework? Do you know all the facts you need to know to support your request? Are you clear about what you want? If YES , raise the
intensity of ASKING .
••Is the other person’s request clear? Do you know what you are agreeing to? If NO ,
raise the intensity of NO .


raise the intensity of NO .
10. Timin G: ••Is this a good time to ask? Is the person “in the mood” for listening and paying attention to you? Are you catching the person when he or she is likely to say yes to
your request? If YES , raise the intensity of ASKING .
••Is this a bad time to say no? Should you hold off answering for a while? If NO , raise
the intensity of NO .
Other factors:


134
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 9   (I. E. Worksheet 7) (p. 1 of 2)
Troubleshooting:
When What You Are Doing Isn’t Working
1Do I have the skills I need? Check out the instructions.
Review what has already been tried.
• •Do I know how to be skillful in getting what I want?
• •Do I know how to say what I want to say?
• •Do I follow the skill instructions to the letter?
2 Do I know what I really want in this interaction?Ask:
• •Am I undecided about what I really want in this interaction?
• •Am I unsure of my priorities?
• •Am I having trouble balancing:
• •Asking for too much versus too little?
• •Saying no to everything versus saying yes to everything?
• •Is fear or shame getting in the way of knowing what I really want?
3 Are short-term goals getting in the way of long-term goals?Ask:
• •Is “now, now, now ” winning out over getting what I really want in the
future?
• •Is emotion mind controlling what I say and do instead of
wISe
 MInD?
(continued on next page )


135in terpersonal e ffectiveness Handout 9   (p. 2 of 2)
4a
re my emotions getting in the way of using my skills?
Ask:
• •Do I get too upset to use my skills?
• •Are my emotions so
HIGH  t
hat I am over my skills breakdown point?
5a
re worries, assumptions, and myths getting in my way?
Ask:
• •Are T
HOUGHTS  a
bout bad consequences blocking my action?
“They won’t like me,” “She will think I am stupid.”
• •Are T
HOUGHTS  a
bout not deserving things getting in my way?
“I am such a bad person I don’t deserve this.”
• •Am I calling myself
NAMES
 that stop me from doing anything?
“I won’t do it right,” “I’ll probably fall apart,” “I’m so stupid.”
• •Do I believe
MYTHS  a
bout interpersonal effectiveness?
“If I make a request, this will show that I am a weak person,”
“Only wimps have values.”
6is t
he environment more powerful than my skills?
Ask:
• •Are the people who have what I want or need more powerful than I am?
• •Are other people more in control of the situation than I am?
• •Will others be threatened if I get what I want?
• •Do others have reasons for not liking me if I get what I want?
7ot
her ideas:


Handouts for Building Relationships
and Ending Destructive Ones


139
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 10
overview:
Building r elationships
and e nding Destructive o nes
finDinG an D Ge TTinG people T o like y ou
Proximity, similarity, conversation skills,
expressing liking, and joining groups
minDfulne SS of oTher S
Building closeness through mindfulness of others
enDinG De STruc Tive/
inTerferin G rela TionShipS
Staying in WISE  MIND
Using skills
Staying safe


140
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 11   (I. E. Worksheet 8) (p. 1 of 2)
finding and Getting p eople to l ike y ou
remem Ber: all human Bein GS are l ovaBle.
But finding friends may take effort on your part.
look for p eople Who are c loSe By you.
familiarity often leads to liking and sometimes love.
To find people you might like and who might like you, it is important to make sure that you
are frequently around and visible to a group of people. Many people find friends who are
classmates or members of groups they join, or who work at or go to the same places.
look for p eople Who are Similar T o you.
We often make friends with people who share our interests and attitudes.
Though always agreeing with someone will not make you more attractive to them, a lot of
people are attracted to those who share the same important interests and attitudes, such as
politics, lifestyle, morals.
Work on y our c onver SaTion Skill S.
ask and respond to questions; respond with a little more info than requested.
make small talk; don’t underestimate the value of chit-chat.
Self-  disclose skillfully; keep your self-  disclosure close to that of the other person.
Don’t interrupt; don’t start talking just fractionally before or after someone else.
learn things to talk about: Watch others; read; increase your activities and experiences.


learn things to talk about: Watch others; read; increase your activities and experiences.
expre SS likin G (Selec Tively).
We often like the people we think like us.
Express genuine liking for the other person. But don’t try to suck up to the other person or
grovel. Find things to compliment that are not super-  obvious. Don’t praise too much too often,
and never use compliments to obtain favors.
(continued on next page )
Adapted from Linehan, M. M., & Egan, K. J. (1985). Asserting yourself . New York: Facts on File. Copyright 1985 by Facts on File Publications.
Adapted by permission of the authors.


141in terpersonal e ffectiveness Handout 11   (p. 2 of 2)
jo in an onGo inG  Group co nver SaTi on.
if w
e wait for people to approach us, we may never have friends.
Sometimes we must make the first move in finding friends. This often requires us to know how
to tell if a group is open or closed, and then, when it is open, how to approach and join in the
ongoing group.
fiGu re ouT  if a G roup iS  op en or cl oSeD.
in o
pen groups new members are welcome.
in c
losed groups new members may not be welcome.
op
en Groups
• •Everyone is standing somewhat apart.
• •Members occasionally glance around the
room.
• •There are gaps in the conversation.
• •Members are talking about a topic ofgeneral interest.c
losed Groups
• •Everyone is standing close together.
• •Members attend exclusively to each other.
• •There is a very animated conversation withfew gaps.
• •Members seem to be pairing off.
fiGu re ouT  hoW  To jo in an op en Group co nver SaTi on.
Ways of
jo
ining an
op
en Group po
tential
ou
tcomes
Move gradually closer to the group. It may not be clear from the slowness of your
approach that you want to join them; it might even look as though you were creeping up and trying to eavesdrop!
Offer to refill members’ glasses/serve them food.That could be overdoing things a bit. What would you do if they refused more food/drinks? Would it be clear enough that you wanted to join the group?


Stand beside them and chip in on their conversation.That might seem rude. They haven’t invited you to join them, and anyway, what exactly are you going to say when you chip in?
Go up and introduce yourself. Isn’t that overly formal? Having introduced yourself,
then what do you say? Will they introduce themselves to you? Wouldn’t you interrupt the conversation?
Wait for a break in the conversation, stand beside a friendly-
 l
ooking member of the
group and say something like “
mi
nd if
i
 join you?”This makes your intention clear and doesn’t seem rude or interrupt the conversation; group members can then choose whether to introduce themselves or not.


142
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 11a
identifying Skills to f ind p eople
and Get Them to l ike y ou
For each A and B pair, check the more effective responses.
•••••• 1a. Realize that good relationships
depend on what you do.
 1B. Think of relationships in
vague, abstract terms.•••••• 7a. Stay out of conversations other people
are having, so people know you’re respectful.
 7B. Politely ask to join in conversations, so you can meet more people.
•
•••
•
• 2a. Expect people to beat a path
to your door.
 2B. Create and make full use of
opportunities to come into
regular contact with others.•
•••
•
• 8a. Say nothing or everything about yourself,
regardless of what others reveal.


regardless of what others reveal.
 8B. Disclose roughly the same amount of
personal information to others as they
disclose to you.
•••••• 3a. Mix with people who share
your attitudes and interests.
 3B. Mix with people with whom
you have little in common.•
• 9a. Keep good opinions of others to yourself.
 9B. If you like others, let them know.
••••
•
• 4a. Mix with people who respond
positively to you and to life generally.
 4B. Mix with cynics and pessimists.••••••10a. Protect yourself, and comment only on
good points that are obvious to anyone and everyone.
10B. Don’t express liking indiscriminately.
•
•••
•
• 5a. Express your opinions and
attitudes, so that others can recognize similarities with you.
 5B. Keep your opinions and attitudes to yourself.•
•••


•••
11a. Rely on flattery to get what you want
when you think it will work.
11B. Don’t use flattery to influence others.
•••••• 6a. Answer questions briefly, and
seldom ask or return them.
 6B. Show interest in others by
asking questions.••••••••••••12a. Stand near a friendly-  looking person
in a new group, wait for a lull in the
conversation, and then ask if it’s OK for
you to join the group.
12B. Stand near a group of new people and
make sure your comments or opinions are heard.
Adapted from Linehan, M. M., & Egan, K. J. (1985). Asserting yourself . New York: Facts on File. Copyright 1985 by Facts on File Publications.
Adapted by permission of the authors.


143
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 12   (I. E. Worksheet 9)
mindfulness of o thers
frien DShipS la ST lon Ger W hen W e are min Dful.
oBS erve
Pay attention with interest and curiosity to others around you.
Stop multitasking; focus on the people you are with.
Stay in the present rather than planning what to say next.
Let go of a focus on self, and focus on others around you.
Be open to new information about others.
Notice judgmental thoughts about others, and let them go.
Give up clinging to always being right.
DeScri Be
Replace judgmental words with descriptive words.
Avoid assuming or interpreting what other people think about you
without checking the facts. (Remember, no one has ever observed
another person’s thoughts, motives, intentions, feelings, emotions, desires, or experiences.)
Avoid questioning other people’s motives (unless you have very good reasons to do so).
Give others the benefit of the doubt.
parTicipa Te
Throw yourself into interactions with others.
Go with the flow, rather than trying to control the flow.
Become one with group activities and conversations.


144
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 12a
I
dentifying Mindfulness of Others
For each A and B pair, check the more effective response.
        1A. M ulti-task and expect the other
person to understand.

1B. G
ive your complete attention to
the person you are with.
       6A. B e open to people’s changing their
minds about things, as well as their
beliefs or feelings.

6B. A
ssume that when people change,
they are not trustworthy.

             2A. F igure that if you already know
someone, you don’t really have to
pay such close attention to them any more.

2B. R
ecognize that closeness is built
by attending to and learning more and more about people you care about.


by attending to and learning more and more about people you care about.
           7A. E valuate other people’s behaviors and
thoughts, and tell them that they are
wrong or that they should be different when you feel sure you are right.

7B. I
f you do not approve of or agree
with what another person is doing or thinking, try to understand how it would make sense if you knew the causes.

               3A. “ My feelings are really hurt by
what you did, and the thought
went through my mind that you hate me. I know that you don’t really, but did you feel that way at the time?”

3B. “
I know you hate me. There is
no other reason for what you did to me. Don’t tell me differently, either.”
   8A .  “You should stop doing that.”

8B. “
I wish you would stop doing that.”
    9 A.  “You are lazy and have given up.”

9B. “
I worry that you have given up.”


9B. “
I worry that you have given up.”
   10A. “ I don’t think that is correct.”
 10B. “
How could you possibly think that?”

       4A. I n social situations, throw yourself
into interactions.

4B. St
ay reserved and watch social
interactions so you don’t make
mistakes.
      11A. St ay in control so that relationships
turn out the way you want.
 11B. G
o with the flow much of the time
when in social interactions with
groups of friends.

     5A. F ind people with your values.

5B. D
o little immoral things so as not
to be a drag on friendships.       12A. H old back in a conversation until you
are sure you like the person.
 12B. T
hrow yourself into a conversation
until you are sure you don’t like it.


145
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 13   (I. E. Worksheet 10)
ending r elationships
a destructive relationship has the quality of destroying or completely spoiling either the quality
of the relationship or aspects of yourself—such as your physical body and safety, your self-  esteem
or sense of integrity, your happiness or peace of mind, or your caring for the other person.
an interfering relationship is one that blocks or makes difficult your pursuing goals that are impor -
tant to you; your ability to enjoy life and do things you like doing; your relationships with other per -
sons; or the welfare of others that you love.
Decide to end relationships in WiS e minD,
never  in emotion mind.
if the relationship is impor TanT and noT  destructive,
and there is reason to hope it can be improved, try
pro Blem S olvin G to repair a difficult relationship.
cope aheaD to troubleshoot
and practice ending the relationship ahead of time.
Be direct: u se the D ear man G ive fa ST interpersonal
effectiveness skills.
practice  oppo SiTe ac Tion for love when you find
you love the wrong person.
prac Tice S afeTy fir ST!
Before leaving a highly abusive or life-  threatening
relationship, call a local domestic violence hotline or the
toll-free n ational Domestic v iolence h otline (1-800-799-7233)


for help with safety planning and a referral to a qualified
professional. See also the i nternational Directory of Domestic
violence a gencies ( www.hotpeachpages.net ).


146
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 13a
identifying h ow to e nd r elationships
For each A and B pair, check the more effective response.
•
•••••••••
•
•1a. If a relationship is threatening
your integrity or physical well-
being, it is probably your fault,
and you should see a therapist.
1B. A relationship threatening your
integrity or physical well-being
is destructive, and you should consider getting out of it.•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
In the middle of an argument, you are so mad at
the other person you don’t want to have anything to do with this person any more.
5a. You should end the relationship right then!
You may forget all about how enraging the person is if you wait.
5B. You should get out of emotion mind and into
Wise Mind, and evaluate whether to stay or leave the relationship.


Wise Mind, and evaluate whether to stay or leave the relationship.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
2a. Relationships should be
easy. If it’s hard to have a
relationship with someone, it’s
probably not worth it, and you
should end it.
2B. Most relationships need
problem solving to work.•
•
•
••
•
6a. If ending a destructive relationship will be
difficult, it’s most effective to stay together.
6B. If ending a destructive relationship will be
difficult, it’s most effective to cope ahead of
time.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
3a. If you are in love with someone
who does not love you back,
practice DEAR MAN skills to
get the person to love you.
3B. If you are in love with someone
who does not love you back,
practice opposite action to love.•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•


•
•
•
•
7a. In an abusive relationship, if the person
hits you, you should use your interpersonal
skills to tell the person you are leaving the
relationship.
7B. In an abusive relationship, you should
seek professional assistance to leave the
relationship.
•
•
•
••
•
4a. To decide whether to end a
relationship, do PROS  and
CONS .
4B. To decide whether to end a
relationship, use GIVE skills.•
•••
8a. If you feel consistently invalidated in a
relationship, it is probably your fault.
8B. If you are consistently invalidated, the
relationship is likely destructive.


149
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 14   (I. E. Worksheets 11–15c)
overview:
Walking the m iddle p ath
Balancing Acceptance and Change
DialecTicS
Balancing opposites while entering the paradox of “yes”
and “no,” “true” and “not true,” at the very same time.
valiDaTion
Including the valid and understanable in ourselves and others.
recoverin G from i nvali DaTion
From a nondefensive position, find the valid, acknowledge
the invalid, and radically accept yourself.
STraTeGieS for c han GinG Behavior
Use behavioral principles to increase desired behaviors and
decrease undesired behaviors.


150
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 15   (I. E. Worksheets 11–11b)
Dialectics
Dialec TicS remin DS u S ThaT
1. The universe is filled with opposing sides/opposing forces.
There is always more than one way to see a situation, and more than one way to solve a
problem.
Two things that seem like opposites can both be true.
2. everything and every person is connected in some way.
The waves and the ocean are one.
The slightest move of the butterfly affects the furthest star.
3. change is the only constant.
Meaning and truth evolve over time.
Each moment is new; reality itself changes with each moment.
4. change is transactional.
What we do influences our environment and other people in it.
The environment and other people influence us.


151
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 16   (I. E. Worksheets 11–11b)
How to Think and Act Dialectically
 1. T here is always more than one side to anything that exists. Look for both sides.
 Ask Wise Mind: What am I missing? Where is the kernel of truth in the other side?
 Let go of extremes: Change “either-or” to “both-and,” “always” or “never” to
“sometimes.”
 Balance opposites:  Validate both sides when you disagree, accept reality, and work to
change.
 Make lemonade out of lemons.
 Embrace confusion: Enter the paradox of yes and no, or true and not true.
 Play devil’s advocate: Argue each side of your own position with equal passion.
 Use metaphors and storytelling to unstick and free the mind.
 Other ways to see all sides of a situation:

 2
.
 B
e aware that you are connected.
 Treat others as you want them to treat you.
 Look for similarities among people instead of differences.
 Notice the physical connections among all things.
 Other ways to stay aware of connections:

 3
.
 Em
brace change.


 3
.
 Em
brace change.
 Throw yourself into change: Allow it. Embrace it.
 Practice radical acceptance of change  when rules, circumstances, people, and
relationships change in ways you don’t like.
 Practice getting used to change: Make small changes to practice this (e.g., purposely change where you sit, who you talk with, what route you take when going to a familiar place).
 Other ways to embrace change:

 4
.
 C
hange is transactional: Remember that you affect your environment and your
environment affects you.
 Pay attention to your effect on others and how they affect you.
 Practice letting go of blame by looking for how your own and others’ behaviors are caused by many interactions over time.
 Remind yourself that all things, including all behaviors, are caused.
 Other ways to see transactions:

Note.  Adapted from Miller, A. L., Rathus, J. H., & Linehan, M. M. (2007). Dialectical behavior therapy with suicidal adolescents.  New York:
Guilford Press. Copyright 2007 by The Guilford Press. Adapted by permission.


152
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 16a
examples of o pposite Sides That c an Both Be True
 1. You can want to change and be doing the best you can, AND still need to do better, try
harder, and be more motivated to change.
 2. You are tough AND you are gentle.
 3. You can be independent AND also want help. (You can allow somebody else to be independent AND also give them help.)
 4. You can want to be alone AND also want to be connected to others.
 5. You can share some things with others AND also keep some things private.
 6. You can be by yourself AND still be connected to others.
 7. You can be with others AND be lonely.
 8. You can be a misfit in one group AND fit in perfectly in another group. (A tulip in a rose garden can also be a tulip in a tulip garden.)
 9. You can accept yourself the way you are AND still want to change. (You can accept others as they are AND still want them to change.)
10. At times you need to both control AND tolerate your emotions.
11. You may have a valid reason for believing what you believe, AND you may still be wrong or
incorrect.


incorrect.
12. Someone may have valid reasons for wanting something from you, AND you may have valid
reasons for saying no.
13. The day can be sunny, AND it can rain.
14. You can be mad at somebody AND also love and respect the person.
15. (You can be mad at yourself AND also love and respect yourself.)
16. You can have a disagreement with somebody AND also be friends.
17. You can disagree with the rules AND also follow the rules.
18. You can understand why somebody is feeling or behaving in a certain way, AND also disagree with his or her behavior and ask that it be changed.
19. Others:


153
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 16b
important o pposites to Balance
 1. Accepting reality AND working to change it.
 2. Validating yourself and others AND acknowledging errors.
 3. Working AND resting.
 4. Doing things you need to do AND doing things you want to do.
 5. Working on improving yourself AND accepting yourself exactly as you are.
 6. Problem solving AND problem acceptance.
 7. Emotion regulation AND emotion acceptance.
 8. Mastering something on your own AND asking for help.
 9. Independence AND dependence.
10. Openness AND privacy.
11. Trust AND suspicion.
12. Watching and observing AND participating.
13. Taking from others AND giving to others.
14. Focusing on yourself AND focusing on others.
15. Others:

16. Others:

17. Others:


154
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 16c
identifying Dialectics
for each group, check the most dialectical response.
•
•
•
•
•
•
1a. Pay attention to your effect on others.
1B. Assume that others’ reactions to you
are unrelated to your treatment of them.•
•
•
••
•
••
•
•5a. Examine a difficult relationship by
looking at how the interactions over time between you and the other
person may be problematic.
5B. Assume that difficulties in a relationship are caused completely by
you or by the other person.
•
•
•
••
•
••
•
•Saying:
2a. “I know I am right about this.”
2B. “I can see your point of view, even
though I do not agree with it.”
2c. “The way you are thinking doesn’t make any sense.”•


•
•
••
•
••
•
•Saying:
6a. “It is hopeless. I cannot do it.”
6B. “This is a breeze. I’ve got no
problems.”
6c. “This is really hard for me, and I am going to keep trying.”
•
•
•
••
•
••
•
•Saying:
3a. “Everyone always treats me unfairly.”
3B. “I believe the coach should reconsider
his decision to cut me from the team.”
3c. “Coaches know best who to keep on teams and who to cut.”••••••••7a. When you disagree with someone,
be sure and be very clear about your point of view.
7B. When you disagree with someone, try and see their point of view.
•
•
•
•
•
•
4a. Judge friends as disloyal and uncaring
if they start changing in ways you don’t like.
4B. Accept that interests change.•
•


•
•
•
•
•
8a. Demand that relationships be stable
without changing.
8B. Embrace change and see it as inevitable.
Note.  Adapted in part from Miller, A. L., Rathus, J. H., & Linehan, M. M. (2007). Dialectical behavior therapy with suicidal adolescents.  New York:
Guilford Press. Copyright 2007 by The Guilford Press. Adapted by permission.


155
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 17   (I. E. Worksheet 12)
validation
valiD aTion mean S:
••Finding the kernel of truth in another person’s perspective or situation; verifying the facts of
a situation.
••Acknowledging that a person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors have causes and are therefore understandable.
••Not necessarily agreeing with the other person.
••Not validating what is actually invalid.
Why v aliDaTe?
••It improves our relationships by showing we are listening and understand.
••It improves interpersonal effectiveness by reducing:
1. Pressure to prove who is right
2. Negative reactivity
3. Anger
••It makes problem solving, closeness, and support possible.
••Invalidation hurts.
impor TanT Thin GS T o valiDaTe
••The valid (and only  the valid).
••The facts of a situation.
••A person’s experiences, feelings/emotions, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts about something.
••Suffering and difficulties.
remem Ber:
••Every invalid response makes sense in some way.
••Validation is not necessarily agreeing.
••Validation doesn’t mean you like it.
••Only validate the valid!
Note.  Adapted from Linehan, M. M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. Bohart & L. Greenberg (Eds.), Empathy reconsidered: New


directions in psychotherapy  (pp. 353–392). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Copyright 1997 by the American Psycho -
logical Association. Adapted by permission.


156
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 18   (I. E. Worksheet 12)
a “how To” Guide to v alidation
1. pay attention:
Look interested, listen, and observe. No multitasking. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod
occasionally. Respond with your face (e.g., smile at happy statements; look concerned when
hearing something painful).
2. reflect Back:
Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is
saying. No judgmental language or voice tone!
  Try to really “get” what the person feels or thinks. Have an open mind. (No disagreeing,
criticizing, or trying to change the person’s mind or goals.) Use a voice tone that allows the
other person to correct you . . . and check the facts!
  e xample:  “So you are mad at me because you think I lied just to get back at you. Did I get it
right?”
3. “read m inds”:
Be sensitive to what is not  being said by the other person. Pay attention to facial
expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about the person already. Show that you understand in words or by your actions. Be open to correction.
  e xample:  When you are asking a friend for a ride at the end of a long day and the person


slumps down, say, “You look really tired. Let me look for someone else.”
4. understand:
Look for how the other person feels, is thinking, or if he or she is making sense, given the person’s history, state of mind or body, or current events (i.e. the causes)—even if you don’t approve of the person’s behavior, or if his or her belief is incorrect. Say “It makes sense that
you . . . because . . . ”
  e xample:  If you sent a party invitation to the wrong address, say, “I can see why you thought
I might be excluding you on purpose.”
5. acknowledge the valid:
Show that you see that the person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and facts. Act as if the person’s behavior is valid.
  e xample:  If you are criticized for not taking out the garbage on your day, admit that it is your
day and take it out. If people present a problem, help them solve it (unless they just want to
be heard). If people are hungry, give them food. Acknowledge the effort a person is making.
6. Show e quality:
Be yourself! Don’t “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Treat the other as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.
  e xample:  Be willing to admit mistakes. If someone introduces him- or herself by first name,
introduce yourself by your first name. Ask other people for their opinions. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling someone what to do if you are not asked or required to do so. Even then, remember you could be wrong.


Note.  Adapted from Linehan, M. M. (1997). Validation and psychotherapy. In A. Bohart & L. Greenberg (Eds.), Empathy reconsidered: New
directions in psychotherapy  (pp. 353–392). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Copyright 1997 by the American Psycho -
logical Association. Adapted by permission.


157
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 18a
identifying v alidation
For each A and B pair, check the more effective response.
•
•
•
•
•
•
1a. Think about your day when the other
person is talking about his or her day.
1B. Throw yourself into listening about the other person’s day.••••••••5a. Remember that people’s thoughts,
feelings, and behaviors don’t always match. Check the facts.
5B. Assume that you can tell exactly what people are feeling and thinking.
•
•
•
••
•
••
•
•2a. If you are uncertain of people’s
thoughts and feelings, ask them what they are thinking or feeling, or try to
imagine yourself in their situation.
2B. Assume that if people want you to know what they are thinking or
feeling, they will tell you.•
•
•


•
•
••
•
••
•
•••
6a. Evaluate other people’s behaviors and
thoughts, and tell them that they are wrong or that they should be different
when you feel sure you are right.
6B. If you do not agree with what another person is doing or thinking, try to
understand how it could make sense if you understood the causes.
•
•
•
•
•
•
•3a. Observe the small clues that indicate
what is going on in social situations.
3B. Observe only what people say, and ignore nonverbal signals.•
•
•
••
•
••
•
•7a. Assume that if you tell a person his
or her request of you makes sense, that’s all you have to do to validate the
person.
7B. When a person asks you for something, giving the person what
has been asked for is validation.
•
•
•
•
•
•
4a. Jump to conclusions about what
people mean.


people mean.
4B. Realize that the same behavior can mean many things.••••••••8a. Assume that other people’s reactions
to you have nothing to do with yours to them.
8B. Treat each person with respect and as an equal.


158
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 19   (I. E. Worksheet 13) (p. 1 of 2)
recovering from i nvalidation
noTice Tha T invali DaTion
can Be h elpful an D painful a T The Same Time
remember:
invalidation i s helpful When
1. It corrects important mistakes (your facts are wrong).
2. It stimulates intellectual and personal growth by listening
to other views.
3. Other:
invalidation i s painful When
1. You are being ignored.
2. You are not being repeatedly misunderstood.
3. You are being misread.
4. You are being misinterpreted.
5. Important facts in your life are ignored or denied.
6. You are receiving unequal treatment.
7. You are being disbelieved when being truthful.
8. Your private experiences are trivialized or denied.
9. Other:
(continued on next page )


159interpersonal effectiveness Handout 19   (p. 2 of 2)
Be n ondefensive and c heck the f acts
Check ALL the facts to see if your responses are valid or invalid.
Check them out with someone you can trust to validate the valid.
Acknowledge when your responses don’t make sense and are not
valid.
Work to change invalid thinking, comments, or actions. (Also, stop blaming. It rarely helps a situation.)
Drop judgmental self-  statements. (Practice opposite action.)
Remind yourself that all behavior is caused and that you are doing
your best.
Be compassionate toward yourself. Practice self-  soothing.
Admit that it hurts to be invalidated by others, even if they are right.
Acknowledge when your reactions make sense and are valid in a
situation.
Remember that being invalidated, even when your response is actually valid, is rarely a complete catastrophe.
Describe your experiences and actions in a supportive environment.
Grieve traumatic invalidation and the harm it created.
Practice radical acceptance of the invalidating person.
validate y ourself e xactly the Way y ou Would
validate Someone e lse


160
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 19a
identifying Self-  validation
For each A and B pair, check the more effective response when someone else invalidates you.
••••••••1a. Describe your own experience, point
of view, emotion, or action in a matter-of-fact way.
1B. Say, “How stupid of me,” or put yourself down for your response.•
•
•
•
•
•
4a. Jump to anger and call yourself a
wimp if you start feeling sad or alone.
4B. Accept that it hurts to be invalidated, and feel the pain.
••••••••••••2a. Blast the other person and argue your
point of view, even if you might be wrong.
2B. When someone disagrees with what you think or do, be open to being
wrong and being OK with that. Check


wrong and being OK with that. Check
the facts.••••••••••5a. When you make a mistake, remind
yourself that you are human, and humans make mistakes.
5B. Blame and punish yourself for being wrong; avoid people who know you
were wrong.
••••••••••••••3a. When you are checking the facts
(if only in your mind), stand up for yourself if you are correct or if your
response is reasonable.
3B. Assume that your experience of the facts is wrong. Give up and give in.
Judge yourself and the person who invalidated you.••••••••••••••6a. See yourself as “screwed up” or
“damaged goods,” and give in to shame and misery.
6B. Respond and talk to yourself with understanding and compassion.
Remind yourself that all responses
are caused and make sense if you explore the reasons long enough.


161
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 20   (I. E. Worksheet 14)
Strategies for increasing the p robability
of Behaviors y ou Want
Describe behaviors for yourself or others that you would like to start or increase:

reinforcer = a consequence that increases frequency of a behavior.
positive reinforcement = positive consequences (i.e., reward).
Behavior is increased by consequences a person wants, likes, or will work to get.
Examples:
negative reinforcement = removal of negative events (i.e., relief).
Behavior is increased by consequences that stop or reduce something negative.
Examples:
Shaping = r einforcing small steps toward the behavior you want.
••Reinforce small steps that lead toward the goal.
••As new behavior stabilizes, require a little bit more before reinforcing.
••Continue until you reach the goal behavior.
Examples of steps to a goal behavior:

Timing counts.
••Reinforce behavior immediately after it occurs.
••When shaping new behavior, at first reinforce every instance of the behavior.
••Once behavior is established, gradually start to reinforce only some of the time.
cau Tion: When you vary reinforcement, behavior becomes very hard to stop.


162
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 21   (I. E. Worksheet 15)
Strategies for Decreasing or Stopping
unwanted  Behaviors
extinction = Stopping an ongoing reinforcement of behavior.
Extinction leads first to a burst of behavior, and then to a decrease in behavior.
Examples:
Satiation = p roviding relief or what is wanted before  the behavior occurs.
Satiation reduces motivation for behavior and thus decreases its frequency.Examples:
punishment = an aversive consequence that decreases a behavior.
Behavior is decreased by consequences the person dislikes or will work to avoid.
Examples:
Behavior is decreased by consequences that stop or reduce something positive.Examples:
Behavior is decreased when something the person wants is withheld until harmful effects of
problem behaviors are corrected and overcorrected.
Examples:
••Be sure that punishment is specific, is time-  limited, and fits the “crime.”
••Avoid a punitive tone; let the consequence do the work.
••If a natural punishment occurs, don’t undo it. Don’t add arbitrary punishment.
Be sure to reinforce alternative behavior to replace behavior you want stopped.
••Extinction and punishment weaken or suppress behavior, but do not eliminate it.
••Extinction and punishment do not teach new behavior.
••To keep a behavior from resurfacing, reinforce an alternative behavior.
••Punishment works only when the punisher is (or is likely to be) present.
••Punishment leads to avoidance of the person punishing.


163
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 22   (I. E. Worksheets 14, 15)
Tips for u sing Behavior c hange Strategies e ffectively
Summary so far:
Goal consequence
Increase behavior (Reinforce) ••Add positive consequence
••Remove aversive consequence
Weaken behavior (Extinguish) ••Remove reinforcer
••Provide relief before  unwanted behavior
Suppress
behavior(Punish) ••Add aversive consequence
••Remove positive consequence
not all consequences are created equal.
“one person’s poison can be another person’s passion.”
context counts. A reinforcer in one situation can be punishment in another.
quantity counts.  If a reinforcer is too little or too much, it will not work.
natural consequences work best. Let them do the work when possible.
ask what consequence the person would work to get (reinforcer) or work to avoid
(punisher).
observe changes in behavior when a consequence is applied.
Behavior learned in one situation may not happen in another situation.


164
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).interpersonal effectiveness Handout 22a
identifying e ffective Behavior c hange Strategies
For each A and B pair, check the more effective response.
•
•
•
•••
•
•••
•
•••
1a. When you are trying to increase a
behavior, it is most effective to wait for the full desired behavior before
reinforcing, so the person does not
think that halfway is good enough.
1B. When you are trying to increase
a behavior, it is most effective to
reinforce small improvement in the right direction, or else the person may not continue to improve.•
•••
•
•••••
•
•••5a. If a person’s problem behaviors
work to get things he or she wants, it is most effective to punish those
behaviors to make them stop.
5B. If a person’s problem behaviors work
to get things he or she wants, it is
most effective to stop reinforcing


to get things he or she wants, it is
most effective to stop reinforcing
those behaviors and instead give rewards when the person uses more skillful strategies to get what he or she wants or needs.
••••••••••2a. The most effective punishment
is intense anger and swift verbal criticism.
2B. The most effective punishment is to find one that fits the severity of the problem behavior.••••••••••••6a. When you are punishing, figure that
a nonspecific punishment will be a lot more effective, since it can’t be
avoided.
6B. Use a specific and time-  limited
negative consequence to decrease
behavior.
••••••••••3a. It is most effective to reinforce
behavior immediately after it occurs.
3B. It is most effective to reward behavior after a delay so that the person does not expect that you will always provide a reward.•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•


•
•
•
•
•
•
•
7a. If a person’s mean behavior makes
you feel hurt, it is most effective to punish the behavior by taking away
gifts that you previously gave the
person.
7B. If a person’s mean behavior makes
you feel hurt, it is most effective to
punish the behavior by not doing favors for the person until his or her behavior improves.
••••••••••4a. It is common that people reward
others’ problematic behaviors without even realizing it.
4B. People do not reward others’ problematic behaviors, because that would be stupid.••••••••••••••8a. After a punished behavior stops, it is
most effective to reward an alternative behavior that you want.
8B. After a punished behavior stops, it is most effective to continue the punishment, so that you send a very
clear message that the problematic
behavior is unacceptable.


interpersonal
effectiveness Worksheets
Worksheets for Goals and Factors
That Interfere


167
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 1   (I. E. Handout 1)
pros and c ons of u sing interpersonal
effectiveness Skills
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Use this sheet to figure out the advantages and disadvantages to you of using interpersonal effec -
tiveness skills (i.e., acting skillfully) to get what you want. The idea here is to figure out what is the
most effective way for you to get what you want. Remember, this is about your goals, not someone else’s goals.
Describe the interpersonal situation:

Describe your goal in this situation:

Make a list of the pros and cons of acting skillfully by using interpersonal effectiveness skills.
Make another list of the pros and cons for using power tactics to get what you want.
Make a third list of pros and cons for giving in or acting passively in the situation.
Check the facts to be sure that you are correct in your assessment of advantages and
disadvantages.
Write on the back of this sheet if you need more room.
pro SUsing Skills

                    Demanding, Attacking, Stonewalling

                 Giving In, Acting Passively
                                    con SUsing Skills
                              Demanding, Attacking, Stonewalling

                 Giving In, Acting Passively

What did you decide to do in this situation?


What did you decide to do in this situation?

is this the best decision (in Wise m ind)?


168
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 2   (I. E. Handout 2a) (p. 1 of 2)
challenging m yths in the Way of o btaining o bjectives
challenging m yths in the Way of o bjectives e ffectiveness
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
For each myth, write down a challenge that makes sense to you.
 1. I don’t deserve to get what I want or need.
Challenge:
 2. If I make a request, this will show that I’m a very weak person.Challenge:
 3. I have to know whether a person is going to say yes before I make a request.
Challenge:
 4. If I ask for something or say no, I can’t stand it if someone gets upset with me.Challenge:
 5. If they say no, it will kill me.
Challenge:
 6. Making requests is a really pushy (bad, self-  centered, selfish, etc.) thing to do.
Challenge:
 7. Saying no to a request is always a selfish thing to do.
Challenge:
 8. I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs for others.Challenge:
 9. I must be really inadequate if I can’t fix this myself.
Challenge:


Challenge:
10. Obviously, the problem is just in my head. If I would just think differently, I wouldn’t have to
bother everybody else.
Challenge:
11. If I don’t have what I want or need, it doesn’t make any difference; I don’t care, really.Challenge:
12. Skillfulness is a sign of weakness.
Challenge:
Other myth:  Challenge:
Other myth:  Challenge:
(continued on next page )


169interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 2   (p. 2 of 2)
challenging m yths in the Way of r elationship and Self-  respect e ffectiveness
For each myth, write down a challenge that makes sense to you.
13. I shouldn’t have to ask (say no); they should know what I want (and do it).
Challenge:
14. They should have known that their behavior would hurt my feelings; I shouldn’t have to tell
them.
Challenge:
15. I shouldn’t have to negotiate or work at getting what I want.
Challenge:
16. Other people should be willing to do more for my needs.Challenge:
17. Other people should like, approve of, and support me.
Challenge:
18. They don’t deserve my being skillful or treating them well.Challenge:
19. Getting what I want when I want it is most important.
Challenge:
20. I shouldn’t be fair, kind, courteous, or respectful if others are not so toward me.
Challenge:
21. Revenge will feel so good; it will be worth any negative consequences.Challenge:
22. Only wimps have values.Challenge:
23. Everybody lies.
Challenge:
24. Getting what I want or need is more important than how I get it; the ends really do justify the
means.
Challenge:
Other myth:  Challenge:
Other myth:
Challenge:


Worksheets for Obtaining
Objectives Skillfully


173
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .in terpersonal e ffectiveness Works H eet 3   (I. E. Handout 4)
cl arifying pr iorities in in terpersonal Situations
Due Date:  Name:  Week Starting:
U
se this sheet to figure out your goals and priorities in any situation that creates a problem for you.
Examples include situations where (1) your rights or wishes are not being respected; (2) you want
someone to do or change something or give you something; (3) you want or need to say no or resist pressure to do something; (4) you want to get your position or point of view taken seriously; (5) there is conflict with another person; or (6) you want to improve your relationship with someone.
Observe and describe in writing as close in time to the situation as possible. Write on the back of
this sheet if you need more room.
promp
ting event for my problem: Who did what to whom? What led up to what? What is it about this situation that is a problem for me? Remember to check the facts!
my w
ants and desires in this situation:
O
bjectives: What specific results do I want? What do I want this person to do, stop or accept?
R
elationship: How do I want the other person to feel and think about me because of how
i
h


i
h
andle the interaction (whether or not I get what I want from the other person)?
Sel
f- R
espect: How do I want to feel or think about myself because of how
i
 handle the
interaction (whether or not I get what I want from the other person)?
my p
riorities in this situation: Rate priorities 1 (most important), 2 (second most important), or 3
(least important).

Objectives

Relationship

Self-
respect
im
balances and conflicts in priorities that make it hard to be effective in this situation:


174
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .Interpersonal effect Iv eness Worksheet 4   (I. E. Handouts 5, 6, 7)
Writing Out Interpersonal Effectiveness Scripts
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
F
ill out this sheet before you practice your DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST interpersonal skills. Practice
saying your “lines” out loud, and also in your mind. Use the “cope ahead” skills (Emotion Regulation
Handout 19). Write on the back of this sheet if you need more room.
PrO m PtIng  E vEnt  for my problem: Who did what to whom? What led up to what?
 O
bjEcTI
VES
IN SI
TUATION  (
What results I want):
 RElA
TIONSHIP  IS
SUE
(How I want the other person to feel about me):
 SElF-
RES
PEcT
IS
SUE (
How I want to feel about myself):
Scr I P t I d EaS  for dEar  man , gIv E FaSt
1. de
scribe  situation.

2. Exp ress  feelings/opinions.

3. ass ert  request (or say no) directly (circle the part you will use later in “broken record” to stay
Mindful if you need it).


Mindful if you need it).

4. re inforcing  comments to make.

5. mi ndful and ap pearing  confident comments to make (if needed).

6 ne gotiating comments to make, plus turn-the-table comments (if needed).

7. va lidating  comments.

8. Eas y manner comments.

W
rite on the back side all the things you want to avoid  doing and saying.


175
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 5   (I. E. Handouts 5, 6, 7)
Tracking interpersonal e ffectiveness Skills u se
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Fill out this sheet whenever you practice your interpersonal skills and whenever you have an oppor -
tunity to practice, even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on the back of this
sheet if you need more room.
promp TinG evenT  for my problem: Who did what to whom? What led up to what?
 OBJECTIVES  IN SITUATION  (What results I want):
 RELATIONSHIP  ISSUE  (How I want the other person to feel about me):
 SELF- RESPECT  ISSUE  (How I want to feel about myself):
my priori TieS in this situation: Rate priorities 1 (most important), 2 (second most important),
or 3 (least important).
  O BJECTIVES       R ELATIONSHIP       S ELF- RESPECT
imbalances and conflic TS in prioriT ieS that made it hard to be effective in this situation:
What i S aiD or D iD in the situation: (Describe and check below.)
Dear man (Getting what I want):
   Described situation?                Mindful?
   Expressed feelings/opinions?            Broken record?


Expressed feelings/opinions?            Broken record?
   Asserted?                     Ignored attacks?
   Reinforced?                    Appeared confident?
Give (Keeping the relationship):   Negotiated?
   Gentle?                      Interested?
   No threats?                    Validated?
   No attacks?                     Easy manner?
   No judgments?
faST (Keeping my respect for myself):
   Fair?                      Stuck to values?
   (No) Apologies?                  Truthful?
how effective was the interaction?


176
interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 6   (I. E. Handout 8) (p. 1 of 2)
The Dime Game: f iguring o ut how Strongly to a sk or Say n o
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
To figure out how strongly to ask for something or how strongly to say no, read the instructions below. Circle the dimes you put in the bank, and
then add them up. Then go back over the list and see if some items are much more important than others. Check Wise Mind before acting, if some items are much more important than others.
Decide how strongly to ask for something.
Put a dime in the bank for each of the questions that get a yes answer. The
more money you have, the stronger you ask. If you have a dollar, then ask
very strongly. If you don’t have any money in the bank, then don’t ask; don’t
even hint.Decide how strongly to say no.
Put a dime in the bank for each of the questions that get a no answer. The
more money you have, the stronger you say no. If you have a dollar, then say
no very strongly. If you don’t have any money in the bank, then do it without
even being asked.
10¢ Is this person able to give or do what I want? capability Can I give the person what is wanted? 10¢
10¢ Is getting my objective more important than my relationship
with this person?priorities Is my relationship more important than saying no? 10¢
10¢ Will asking help me feel competent and self-  respecting? Self-  respect Will saying no make me feel bad about myself? 10¢
10¢ Is the person required by law or moral code to do or give


10¢ Is the person required by law or moral code to do or give
me what I want?rights Am I required by law or moral code to give or do what is wanted, or does saying no violate this person’s rights?10¢
10¢ Am I responsible for telling the person what to do? authority Is the other person responsible for telling me what to do? 10¢
10¢ Is what I want appropriate for this relationship? (Is it right to
ask for what I want?)relationship Is what the person is requesting of me appropriate to my relationship with this person?10¢
10¢ Is asking important to a long-term goal? Goals In the long term, will I regret saying no? 10¢
10¢ Do I give as much as I get with this person? Give and take Do I owe this person a favor? (Does the person do a lot for
me?)10¢
10¢ Do I know what I want and have the facts I need to support
my request?homework Do I know what I am saying no to? (Is the other person clear about what is being asked for?)10¢
10¢ Is this a good time to ask? (Is the person in the right mood?)Timing Should I wait a while before saying no? 10¢
$
Total value of asking
(Adjusted ±    for Wise Mind)Total value of saying no
(Adjusted ±   for Wise Mind)$
(continued on next page )


177interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 6   (p. 2 of 2)
aSkinG SayinG no
Don’t ask; don’t hint. 0–10¢ Do it without being asked.
Hint indirectly; take no. 20¢ Don’t complain; do it cheerfully.
Hint openly; take no. 30¢ Do it, even if you’re not cheerful about it.
Ask tentatively; take no. 40¢ Do it, but show that you’d rather not.
Ask gracefully, but take no. 50¢ Say you’d rather not, but do it gracefully.
Ask confidently; take no. 60¢ Say no firmly, but reconsider.
Ask confidently; resist no. 70¢ Say no confidently; resist saying yes.
Ask firmly; resist no. 80¢ Say no firmly; resist saying yes.
Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; keep trying. 90¢ Say no firmly; resist; negotiate.
Don’t take no for an answer. $1.00 Don’t do it.
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of
this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-  worksheets .


178
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 7   (I. E. Handout 9) (p. 1 of 2)
Troubleshooting interpersonal e ffectiveness Skills
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Fill out this sheet whenever you practice your interpersonal skills and whenever you have an oppor -
tunity to practice, even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on the back of this
sheet if you need more room.
Do i have the skills i need? c heck out the instructions.
1 Review what has already been tried.
••Do I know how to be skillful in getting what I want?
••Do I know how to say what I want to say?
••Did I follow the skill instructions to the letter?
not sure:
Wrote out what I wanted to say first.
Reread the instructions.
Got coaching from someone I trust.
Practiced with a friend or in front of a mirror.
Did it work the next time? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
yes:
Do i know what i really want in this interaction?
2 Ask:


Do i know what i really want in this interaction?
2 Ask:
••Am I undecided about what I really want in this interaction?
••Am I ambivalent about my priorities?
••Am I having trouble balancing:
••Asking for too much versus not asking for anything?
••Saying no to everything versus giving in to everything?
••Is fear or shame getting in the way of knowing what I really want?
not sure:
Did pros and cons to compare different objectives.
Used emotion regulation skills to reduce fear and shame.
Did this help? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
yes:
are my short-term goals getting in the way of my long-term goals?
3 Ask:
••Is “now, now, now” winning out over getting what I really want?
••Is emotion mind controlling what I say and do instead of Wise Mind?
yes:
Did a pros and cons comparing short-term to long-term goals.
Waited until another time when I’m not in emotion mind.
Did this help? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
no:
(continued on next page )


179interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 7   (p. 2 of 2)
are my emotions getting in the way of using my skills?
4 Ask:
••Do I get too upset to use my skills?
••Are my emotions so high that I am over my skills breakdown point?
yes:
Tried TIP skills.
Used self-  soothing crisis survival skills before the interaction to get myself calm.
Did mindfulness of current emotions (Emotion Regulation Handout 22).
Refocused attention completely on the present objective.
Did this help? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
no:
are worries, assumptions, and myths getting in my way?
5 Ask:
••Are thoughts about bad consequences blocking my action?
“They won’t like me,” “She will think I am stupid.”
••Are thoughts about whether I deserve to get what I want in my way?
“I am such a bad person I don’t deserve this.”
••Am I calling myself names that stop me from doing anything?
“I won’t do it right,” “I’ll probably fall apart,” “I’m so stupid.”
••Am I believing myths about interpersonal effectiveness?
“If I make a request, this will show that I am a very weak person,” “Only wimps have values.”
yes:
Challenged myths.
Checked the facts.
Did opposite action all the way.
Did this help? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
no:


no:
is the environment more powerful than my skills?
6 Ask:
••Are the people who have what I want or need more powerful than I am?
••Are the people commanding me powerful and in control?
••Will others be threatened if I get what I want?
••Do others have reasons for not liking me if I get what I want?
yes:
Tried problem solving.
Found a powerful ally.
Practiced radical acceptance.
Did this help? Yes (Fabulous)  No (Continue) Didn’t try again
no:


Worksheets for Building
Relationships and Ending
Destructive Ones


183
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 8   (I. E. Handout 11)
finding and Getting p eople to l ike y ou
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Fill out this sheet whenever you practice finding friends and whenever you have an opportunity to
practice, even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on the back of this sheet if you need more room.
List two ways you could (or do) make casual but regular contact with people.
1.
2.
List two ways you could find (or have found) people whose attitudes are similar to yours.1.
2.
List two ways you could get in conversations (or have been in them) where you could ask a question,
give an answer, give a compliment, or express liking to others.
1.
2.
List times you have been near a group conversation you could practice joining (or how you could
find one).
1.
2.
Check the facts and be sure you have listed all of your opportunities to find potential friends. Add
more ideas if necessary or ask your current friends or family for ideas.
Describe one thing you have done to make a new friend and get someone to like you.

check off and describe each skill that you used.
  Proximity       Similarity       Conversation skills    Expressed liking


Proximity       Similarity       Conversation skills    Expressed liking

Describe any efforts you made to join a conversational group.
 Describe any efforts you made to use your conversation skills with others.
 how effective was the interaction?


184
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 9   (I. E. Handout 12)
mindfulness of o thers
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Fill out this sheet whenever you practice mindfulness of others and whenever you have an opportu -
nity to practice even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on the back of this
sheet if you need more room.
Check off any of the following that you practiced:
Paid attention with interest and curiosity to others around me.
Let go of a focus on myself, and focused on the people I was with.
Noticed judgmental thoughts about others and let them go.
Stayed in the present (instead of planning what I would say next) and listened.
Put my entire attention on the other person and did not multitask.
Gave up clinging to being right.
Other:
Described in a matter-of-fact way what I observed.
Replaced judgmental descriptions with descriptive words.
Described what I observed, instead of making assumptions and interpretations of others.
Avoided questioning others’ motives.
Other:
Threw myself into interactions with others.


Threw myself into interactions with others.
Went with the flow, rather than trying to control everything.
Became one with the conversation I was in.
Other:
Describe a situation where you practiced mindfulness of others in the last week.

Who was the person you were with?
how exactly did you practice mindfulness?
What was the outcome?

how did you feel afterward?
Did being mindful make a difference? i f so, what?


185
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 10   (I. E. Handout 13) (p. 1 of 2)
ending r elationships
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Fill out this sheet to outline how to end an unwanted relationship when the relationship is not abu -
sive. if it is abusive, first call a local domestic violence hotline or the n ational Domestic v io-
lence hotline (1-800-799-7233).  Write on the back of this sheet if you need more room.
relationship problem: Describe how the relationship is destructive or interfering with your life.

list Wise m ind pros and cons for ending the relationship.
Pros:

Cons:

Script i deas for D ear man , Give fa ST to end a r elationship
 1. Describe  the relationship situation, or the problem that is the core reason you want to end the
relationship.
 2. express  feelings/opinions about why the relationship needs to end for you.
 3. assert  in your decision to end the relationship directly (circle the part you will use later in
“broken record” to stay mindful if you need it).
 4. reinforcing  comments to make about positive outcomes for both of you once the relationship
is ended.
(continued on next page )


186interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 10   (p. 2 of 2)
5. mindful and a ppearing  confident  comments to make about how and when to end (if
needed).
6. negotiating  comments to make, plus turn-the-table  comments to avoid getting off track and
responding to insults or diversions (if needed).
7. validating  comments about the other person’s wishes, feelings, or history of the relationship.
8. easy manner comments.
9. fair comments.
Check off opposite actions for love you have been doing:
1. Reminded myself why love is not justified.
2. Did the opposite of loving urges.
3. Avoided contact with reminders of loved one.
4. Other:


189
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 11   (I. E. Handouts 15, 16)
practicing Dialectics
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Describe two situations that prompted you to practice dialectics.
SiTuaTion 1
Situation (who, what, when, where):
Looked at both sides
Stayed aware of my connection
Embraced change
Remembered that I affect others
and others affect meAt left, check the skills you used, and describe here.
Describe experience of using the skill:
Check if practicing this dialectical skill has influenced any of the following, even a little bit:
  Reduced suffering   Increased happiness   Reduced friction with others
  Decreased reactivity   Increased wisdom   Improved relationship
  Increased connection   Increased sense of personal validity
  Other outcome:
SiTuaTion 2
Situation (who, what, when, where):
Looked at both sides
Stayed aware of my connection
Embraced change
Remembered that I affect others and
others affect meAt left, check the skills you used, and describe here.
Describe experience of using the skill:
Check if practicing this dialectical skill has influenced any of the following, even a little bit:


Check if practicing this dialectical skill has influenced any of the following, even a little bit:
  Reduced suffering   Increased happiness   Reduced friction with others
  Decreased reactivity   Increased wisdom   Improved relationship
  Increased connection   Increased sense of personal validity
  Other outcome:


190
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .Interpersonal effect Iv eness Worksheet 11a   (I. E. Handouts 15, 16)
Dialectics Checklist
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
E
veryday dialectical practice:  Check off dialectical practice exercises each time you do one. For
each skill you practice, give it a rating to indicate how effective that skill was in helping you reach
your personal and interpersonal goals. Rate from a low of 1 (not at all effective) to a high of 5 (very effective).
Looked at both sides:Rating
(1–5)

 1
.
 A
sked Wise Mind: “What am I missing?”
  2
.
 L
ooked for the kernel of truth in another person’s side.
  3 . St ayed away from extremes (such as “always” or never”), and instead thought
or said:

  4 . B alanced opposites in my life:   V alidated both myself and a person
I disagreed with
  A
ccepted reality and tried to change it


 A
ccepted reality and tried to change it
  S
tayed
attached and also let go
  O
ther (describe):

  5 . M ade lemonade out of lemons (describe):

  6 . E mbraced confusion (describe):
  7 . P layed devil’s advocate by arguing both my side and also the other side
(describe):

  8 . U sed a metaphor or story to describe my own point of view (describe):

  9
.
 D
id 3-minute Wise Mind to slow down “doing mind” in my everyday life.
 10. O ther (describe):
S
tayed aware of my connection:
 11. T reated others as I want to be treated (describe):
 12. L ooked for similarities between myself and others (describe):
 13. N oticed the physical connections between all things (describe):
 14. O ther (describe):
Em
braced change:
 15. P racticed radical acceptance of change (describe):


 16. P urposely made changes in small ways to get used to change (describe):

 17. O ther (describe):
R
emembered that change is transactional:
 18. P aid attention to my effect on others (describe):
 19. P aid attention to effect of others on me (describe):
 20. P racticed letting go of blame (describe):
 2
1.
 R
eminded myself that all things, including all behaviors, are caused
 22. O ther (describe):


191
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .interpersonal effectiveness WorksHeet 11b   (I. E. Handouts 15, 16)
noticing When y ou’re n ot Dialectical
Due Date:       Name:                   Week Starting:
Identify a time this week when you did not use your dialectical skills. Briefly describe the situation
(who, what, when).
SiTuaTion 1
Situation (who, what, when, where):
Looked at both sides
Stayed aware of my connection
Embraced change
Remembered that I affect others
and others affect meAt left, check the skills you needed but did not use, and describe here the experience of not using the skill.
What would you do differently next time?
Check if not  practicing dialectical skills has influenced any of the following, even a little bit:
  Increased suffering   Decreased happiness   Increased friction with others
  Increased reactivity   Decreased wisdom   Harmed relationship
  Decreased connection   Other outcome:
SiTuaTion 2
Situation (who, what, when, where):
Looked at both sides
Stayed aware of my connection
Embraced change


Stayed aware of my connection
Embraced change
Remembered that I affect others and others affect meAt left, check the skills you needed but did not use, and describe here the experience of not using the skill.
What would you do differently next time?
Check if not  practicing dialectical skills has influenced any of the following, even a little bit:
  Increased suffering   Decreased happiness   Increased friction with others
  Increased reactivity   Decreased wisdom   Harmed relationship
  Decreased connection   Other outcome:


192
From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permis -
sion to photocopy this worksheet is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details). Purchasers may
download a larger version of this worksheet from www.guilford.com/dbt-
worksheets .in terpersonal e ffectiveness Works H eet 12   (I. E. Handouts 17, 18)
va lidating oth ers
Due Date:  Name:  Week Starting:
F
ill out this sheet whenever you practice your validation skills and whenever you have an opportunity
to practice even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on the back of this sheet
if you need more room.
Check off types of validation that you practiced (on purpose) with others:
 1.
 P
aid attention.
 2.
 R
eflected back what was said or done,
remaining open to correction.
 3.
 W
as sensitive to what was unsaid. 4.
 E
xpressed how what was felt, done, or said
made sense, given the causes.
 5.
 A
cknowledged and acted on what was valid.
 6.
 A
cted authentically and as an equal.
li
st one invalidating and two validating statements made to others.
1.
2.
3.
D
escribe a situation where you were nonjudgmental of someone in the past week.
D
escribe a situation where you used validation in the past week.
W


D
escribe a situation where you used validation in the past week.
W
ho was the person you validated?
W
hat exactly did you do or say to validate the person?
W
hat was the outcome?
ho
w did you feel afterward?
W
ould you say or do something differently next time?
if s
o, what?