scripts/Dr Strangelove.txt

                                                                1.



                                                       FADE IN:

    SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in
    the distance.

                      NARRATOR
            For more than a year, ominous
            rumors have been privately
            circulating among high level
            western leaders, that the Soviet
            Union had been at work on what was
            darkly hinted to be the ultimate
            weapon, a doomsday device.
            Intelligence sources traced the
            site of the top secret Russian
            project to the perpetually fog
            shrouded wasteland below the arctic
            peaks of the Zokov islands. What
            they were building, or why it
            should be located in a such a
            remote and desolate place, no one
            could say.

                                                        CUT TO:

    ROLL CREDITS

    Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts
    "Try a Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks
    away from recieving aircraft.

                                                        CUT TO:


1   INT. COMPUTER ROOM – BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT                       1

    A phone buzzes.

                      PETTY OFFICER
            General Ripper, sir.

                      MANDRAKE
                 (to phone on his desk)
            Group Captain Mandrake speaking...

    Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the
    light of his desk lamp.

                      RIPPER
                 (to phone)
            This is General Ripper speaking.
                                      2.


            MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.

          RIPPER
You recognize my voice, Mandrake?

          MANDRAKE
I do sir, why do you ask?

          RIPPER
Why do you think I asked?

          MANDRAKE
Well I don't know, sir. We spoke
just a few moments ago on the
phone, didn't we?

          RIPPER
You don't think I'd ask if you
recognized my voice unless it was
pretty damned important do you,
Mandrake?

          MANDRAKE
No, I don't, sir. No.

          RIPPER
Alright, let's see if we stay on
the ball. Has the wing confirmed
holding at their failsafe points?

          MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. The confirmations have
all just come in.

          RIPPER
Very well, now, listen to me
carefully. The base is being put on
condition red. I want this flashed
to all sections immediately.

          MANDRAKE
Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good
idea, keeps the men on their toes.

          RIPPER
Group Captain, I'm afraid this is
not a exercise.

          MANDRAKE
Not an exercise, sir?

            RIPPER
                                      3.


I shouldn't tell you this,
Mandrake, but you're a good officer
and you have a right to know. It
looks like we're in a shooting war.

          MANDRAKE
Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved
sir?

          RIPPER
Mandrake, that's all I've been
told. It just came in on the Red
Phone. My orders are for this base
to be sealed tight, and that's what
I mean to do: seal it tight. Now, I
want you to transmit plan R, R for
Robert, to the wing. Plan R for
Robert.

          MANDRAKE
Is it that bad sir?

          RIPPER
It looks like it's pretty hairy.

          MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.

          RIPPER
Now, last, and possibly most
important, I want all privately
owned radios to be immediately
impounded.

           MANDRAKE
Yes sir.

          RIPPER
They might be used to issue
instructions to saboteurs. As I
have previously arranged, Air
Police will have lists of all
owners and I want every single one
of them collected without
exception.

           MANDRAKE
Yes sir.

          RIPPER
And after you've done that, report
back to me.
                                                              4.


    Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at
    the base. Outside, a SIREN SOUNDS.

                                                         CUT TO:


2   EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S                                           2

    With escorts.

                      NARRATOR
            In order to guard against surprise
            nuclear attack, America's Strategic
            Air Command maintains a large force
            of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a
            day. Each B- 52 can deliver a
            nuclear bombload of 50 megatons,
            equal to 16 times the total
            explosive force of all the bombs
            and shells used by all the armies
            in World War Two. Based in America,
            the Airborne alert force is
            deployed from the Persian Gulf to
            the Arctic Ocean, but they have one
            geographical factor in common: they
            are all two hours from their
            targets inside Russia.

                                                         CUT TO:


3   INT. B-52                                                      3

    Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.

                      GOLDIE
            Major Kong, I know you're gonna
            think this a crazy but I just got a
            message from base over the CRM 114.
            It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R
            for Romeo.

                      KONG
            Goldie, did you say Wing Attack,
            plan R?

                      GOLDIE
            Yes Sir, I have.

                      KONG
            Goldie, how many times have I told
            you guys that I don't want no
            horsin' around on the airplane?
                                                       5.


                  GOLDIE
        I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's
        how it decodes.

                  KONG
        Well I've been to one world fair a
        picnic and a rodeo and that's the
        stupidest thing I ever heard come
        over a set of earphones. You sure
        you got today's code?

                  GOLDIE
        Yes sir, it is.

                  KONG
        Ah, there's just gotta be something
        wrong. Wait just a second, I'm
        comin' back.

Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.

                  KONG
        Maybe you better get a confirmation
        from base.

                   GOLDIE
        Yes sir.

                  BOMBARDIER
        Major Kong, is it possible that
        this is some kind of loyalty test.
        You know, give the go code and then
        recall to see who would actually
        go?

                  KONG
        Ain't nobody ever got the go code
        yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be
        giving us plan R unless them
        Russkies had already clobbered
        Washington and alot of other towns
        with a sneak attack.

                   BOMBARDIER
        Yes sir.

                  GOLDIE
        Major Kong, message from base
        confirmed.

                   KONG
                                                             6.


            Well boys, I reckon this is it:
            nuclear combat, toe to toe with the
            Russkies.

    Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn
    of the Republic.

                      KONG
            Now look boys, I ain't much of a
            hand at makin' speeches. But I got
            a pretty fair idea that something
            doggoned important's going on back
            there. And I got a fair idea of the
            kind of personal emotions that some
            of you fella's may be thinking.
            Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be
            human beings if you didn't have
            some pretty strong personal
            feelings about nuclear combat. But
            I want you to remember one thing,
            the folks back home is a countin'
            on ya, and by golly we ain't about
            to let 'em down. Tell you somethin'
            else. This thing turns out to be
            half as important is I figure it
            just might be, I'd say that you're
            all in line for some important
            promotions and personal citations
            when this thing's over with. That
            goes for every last one of you,
            regardless of your race, color, or
            your creed. Now, let's get this
            thing on the hump. We got some
            flying to do.

                                                        CUT TO:


4   INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO                               4

    Phone rings.

                      MISS SCOTT
                 (shouting)
            Buck, should I get it?

                      TURGIDSON
                 (muffled)
            Yeah. You have to.

                        MISS SCOTT
                   (to phone)
                                      7.


Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson
is here, but I'm afraid he can't
come to the phone at the moment.
Well, this is his secretary, Miss
Scott.
     (softly)
Freddie, how are you? Fine and you?
Oh, we were just catching up on
some of the General's paperwork.
Well, look Freddie, he's very tied
up at the moment. I'm afraid he
can't come to the phone.
     (listens)
Well, just a minute.
     (shouts to Tuirgidson)
General Turgidson, a General
Puntridge calling.

          TURGIDSON
Tell him to call back.

          MISS SCOTT
     (to phone)
Freddie, the General says could you
call back in a minute or two? Oh.
     (shouting)
He says it can't wait.

          TURGIDSON
Ah, for Pete... well... Find out
what he wants.

           MISS SCOTT
Freddie, the thing is, the General
is in the powder room right now.
Could you tell me what it's about?
Just a second...
      (shouting)
Apparently they monitored a
transmission about eight minutes
ago from Burpleson Air Force Base.
      (to phone)
Right.
      (shouting)
It was directed to the 843'rd bomb
wing on airborne alert.
      (to phone)
Yeah.
      (shouting)
It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.

         TURGIDSON
                                                  8.


        Um ah, tell him to call uh what's
        his name. Base commander. Ripper. I
        have to think of everything?

                  MISS SCOTT
             (to phone)
        The General suggests you call
        General Ripper, the 843rd base
        commander. Oh.
             (shouting)
        All communications are dead.

                  TURGIDSON
        Bull! Tell him to do it himself.

                  MISS SCOTT
        Freddie, the General asks if you
        could possibly try again yourself.
             (listens)
        I see.
             (shouting)
        He says he's tried personally
        several times, but everything is
        dead. Even the normal phone lines
        are shut down.

Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.

                  TURGIDSON
             (to phone)
        Fred. Buck. What's it look like?
        Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan
        R? Huh. What's cookin' on the
        threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at
        all? Idon't like the look of this,
        Fred. Alright, I tell you what you
        better do, old buddy.
             (slaps his belly)
        You better give Elmo and Charlie a
        blast, and bump everything up to
        condition red and stand by the
        blower, I'll get back to you.
             (hangs up)

                  MISS SCOTT
        What's up?

                  TURGIDSON
        Nothing. Nothing. Where's my
        shorts?

                  MISS SCOTT
        On the floor. Where are you going?
                                                             9.


                      TURGIDSON
            No place. No... no place... I just
            thought I might mosey over to the
            War room for a few minutes. See
            what's doing over there.

                      MISS SCOTT
            It's three o'clock in the morning.

                      TURGIDSON
                 (laughs)
            The Air Force never sleeps.

                      MISS SCOTT
            Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy
            either.

                      TURGIDSON
            I know how it is, baby. Tell you
            what you do. You just start your
            countdown, and old Bucky'll be back
            here before you can say... Blast
            Off!

                                                        CUT TO:


5   EXT. BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT                                    5

    Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand
    listening.

                      RIPPER
                                                            10.


            Your commie has no regard for human
            life, not even his own. And for
            this reason, men, I want to impress
            upon you the need for extreme
            watchfulness. The enemy may come
            individually, or he may come in
            strength. He may even come in the
            uniform of our own troops. But
            however he comes we must stop him.
            We must not allow him to gain
            entrance to this base. Now, I am
            going to give you three simple
            rules. First, trust no one,
            whatever his uniform or rank,
            unless he is known to you
            personally. Second, anyone or
            anything that approaches within 200
            yards of the perimeter is to be
            fired upon. Third, if in doubt,
            shoot first, and ask questions
            afterwards. I would sooner accept a
            few casualties through accident
            than lose the entire base and its
            personnel through carelessness. Any
            variation on these rules must come
            from me personally. Now, men, in
            conclusion, I would like to say
            that, in the two years it has been
            my privilege to be your commanding
            officer, I have always expected the
            best from you, and you have never
            given me anything less than that.

                                                        CUT TO:


6   INT. COMPUTER ROOM – INT. BURPLESON AFB                       6

    Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to
    Ripper's speech, discovers a radio inside a line printer
    and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing.

                      RIPPER'S VOICE
            Today, the nation is counting on
            us. We are not going to let them
            down. Good luck to you all.

                                                        CUT TO:


7   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                            7

    Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
                                      11.


          AIRMAN
     (to Kong)
Here's the attack profile, sir.

          KONG
     (announcing through
     headset intercom)
This is your attack profile: to
insure that the enemy cannot
monitor voice transmission or plant
false transmission, the CRM114 is
to be switched into all the
receivercircuits. Emergency phase
code prefix is to be set on the
dials of the CRM. This'll block any
transmission other than those
preceded by code prefix. Stand by
to set code prefix.

          GOLDIE
Roger. Ready to set code prefix.

          KONG
Set code prefix.

          GOLDIE
     (dials up letters)
OPE Code prefix set.

          KONG
Lock code prefix.

          GOLDIE
Code prefix locked.

          KONG
Switch all receiver circuits to CRM
discriminators.

          GOLDIE
All circuits switched to CRM
discriminators.

          KONG
Check auto destruct circuits.

          GOLDIE
Auto destruct circuits checked.

         KONG
                                                            12.


            Primary target, the ICBM complex at
            Laputa. Target reference Yankee
            Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty
            megaton nuclear device fused for
            airburst at ten thousand feet.
            Twenty megaton nuclear device will
            be used if first malfunctions.
            Otherwise proceed to secondary
            target, missile complex seven miles
            east of Barshaw. Target reference
            November Bravo X-Ray One Zero
            Eight. Fused airburst at ten,
            check, twelve thousand feet.

                                                        CUT TO:


8   INT. BURPLESON AFB                                            8

    Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable
    radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake
    enters.


9   INT. RIPPER’S OFFICE                                          9

                      MANDRAKE
            Excuse me sir, something rather
            interesting's just cropped up.
            Listen to that. Music. Civilian
            broadcasting. I think those fellows
            in the Pentagon have given us some
            sort of exercise to test our
            readiness. Personally, I think it's
            taking it a bit too far; our
            fellows will be inside Russian
            radar cover in about twenty
            minutes. You listen to that.
            Traffic block full of stations all
            churning it out.

                         RIPPER
            Mandrake.

                         MANDRAKE
            Yes, sir?

                      RIPPER
            I thought I issued instructions for
            all radios on this base to be
            impounded.

                         MANDRAKE
                                      13.


     (follows Ripper as he
     rises from his chair to
     lock his office door)
Well you did indeed sir and I was
in the process of impounding this
very one when I happened to switch
it on. I thought to myself our
fellows hitting Russian radar cover
in twenty minutes, dropping all
their stuff, I'd better tell you,
because if they do, it'll cause a
bit of a stink, won't it?

          RIPPER
Group Captain, the officer exchange
program does not give you any
special prerogatives to question my
orders.

          MANDRAKE
Well I realize that sir, but I
thought you'd be rather pleased to
hear the news. I mean after all,
well let's face it we...we don't
want to start a nuclear war unless
we really have to, do we?

          RIPPER
Please sit down. And turn that
thing off.

          MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes,
sir? Surely you must issue the
recall code immediately.

          RIPPER
Group Captain, the planes are not
going to be recalled. My attack
orders have been issued and the
orders stand.

          MANDRAKE
Well, if you'll excuse me saying
so, sir. That would be, to my way
of thinking, rather... well rather
an odd way of looking at it. You
see, if a Russian attack was in
progress we would certainly not be
hearing civilian broadcasting.

          RIPPER
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
                                                        14.


                  MANDRAKE
        I'm absolutely positive about that,
        sir, yes.

                  RIPPER
        And what if it is true?

                  MANDRAKE
        Well I'm afraid I'm still not with
        you, sir. Because, I mean, if a
        Russian attack was not in progress
        then your use of plan R, in fact
        your orders to the entire wing...
        oh. Well I would say, sir, that
        there was something dreadfully
        wrong somewhere.

                  RIPPER
        Now, why don't you just take it
        easy Group Captain. And please make
        me a drink of grain alcohol and
        rain water, and help yourself to
        whatever you'd like.

                  MANDRAKE
             (salutes)
        General Ripper, sir, as an officer
        in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is
        my clear duty, under the present
        circumstances, to issue the recall
        code, upon my own authority, and
        bring back the wing. If you'll
        excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all
        exits and finds them locked I'm
        afraid sir, I must ask you for the
        key and the recall code. Have you
        got them handy sir?

                  RIPPER
        I told you to take it easy, Group
        Captain. There's nothing anybody
        can do about this thing now. I'm
        the only person who knows the three
        letter code group.

                  MANDRAKE
             (voice cracking)
        Then I must insist, sir, that you
        give them to me.

Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside,
revealing a blued, pearl handled .45 automatic.
                                                       15.


                       MANDRAKE
             Do I take it, sir, that you are
             threatening a brother officer with
             a gun?

                       RIPPER
             Mandrake, I suppose it never
             occurred to you that while we're
             chatting here so enjoyably, a
             decision is being made by the
             President and the Joint Chiefs in
             the war room at the Pentagon. And
             when they realize there is no
             possibility of recalling the wing,
             there will be only one course of
             action open: total commitment.
             Mandrake, do you recall what
             Clemenzo once said about war?

                       MANDRAKE
             No. I don't think I do sir, no.

                       RIPPER
             He said war was to important to be
             left to the Generals. When he said
             that, fifty years ago, he might
             have been right. But today, war is
             too important to be left to
             politicians. They have neither the
             time, the raining, nor the
             inclination for strategic thought.
             I can no longer sit back and allow
             Communist infiltration, Communist
             indoctrination, communist
             subversion, and the international
             Communist conspiracy to sap and
             impurify all of our precious bodily
             fluids.

                                                   CUT TO:


10   INT. WAR ROOM – PENTAGON                                10

                       MUFFLEY
             Sam, is everybody here?

                       STAINS
                                      16.


Mr. President, the Secretary of
State is in Vietnam, the Secretary
of Defense is in Laos, and the Vice
President is in Mexico City. We can
establish contact with them at any
time if it's necessary. The
undersecretaries are all here, of
course.

          MUFFLEY
Right. Now, General Turgidson,
what's going on here?

          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, about thirty-five
minutes ago, General Jack Ripper,
the commanding General of Burpleson
Air Force Base, issued an order to
the 34 B-52's of his wing which
were airborne at the time as part
of a special exercise we were
holding called Operation Dropkick.
Now, it appears that the order
called for the planes to attack
their targets inside Russia. The
planes are fully armed with nuclear
weapons with an average load of 40
megatons each. Now the central
display of Russia will indicate the
position of the planes. The
triangles are their primary
targets, the squares are their
secondary targets. The aircraft
will begin penetrating Russian
radar cover within 25 minutes.

          MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I find this very
difficult to understand. I was
under the impression that I was the
only one in authority to order the
use of nuclear weapons.

          TURGIDSON
That's right sir. You are the only
person authorized to do so. And
although I hate to judge before all
the facts are in, it's beginning to
look like General Ripper exceeded
his authority.

         MUFFLEY
                                      17.


It certainly does. Far beyond the
point I would have imagined
possible.

          TURGIDSON
Well perhaps you're forgetting the
provisions of plan R, sir.

          MUFFLEY
Plan R?

          TURGIDSON
Plan R is an emergency war plan in
which a lower echelon commander may
order nuclear retaliation after a
sneak attack if the normal chain of
command is disrupted. You approved
it, sir. You must remember. Surely
you must recall, sir, when Senator
Buford made that big hassle about
our deterrent lacking credibility.
The idea was for plan R to be a
sort of retaliatory safeguard.

          MUFFLEY
A safeguard.

          TURGIDSON
I admit the human element seems to
have failed us here. But the idea
was to discourage the Russkies from
any hope that they could knock out
Washington, and yourself, sir, as
part of a general sneak attack, and
escape retaliation because of lack
of proper command and control.

          MUFFLEY
Well I assume then, that the planes
will return automatically once they
reach their failsafe points.

          TURGIDSON
Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see
the planes were holding at their
failsafe points when the go code
was issued. Now, once they fly
beyond failsafe they do not require
a second order to proceed. They
will fly until they reach their
targets.

          MUFFLEY
                                      18.


Then why haven't you radioed the
planes countermanding the go code?

          TURGIDSON
Well, I'm afraid we're unable to
communicate with any of the
aircraft.

         MUFFLEY
Why?

          TURGIDSON
As you may recall, sir, one of the
provisions of plan R provides that
once the go code is received the
normal SSB radios in the aircraft
are switched into a special coded
device, which I believe is
designated as CRM114. Now, in order
to prevent the enemy from issuing
fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is
designed not to receive at all,
unless the message is preceded by
the correct three letter code group
prefix.

          MUFFLEY
Then do you mean to tell me,
General Turgidson, that you will be
unable to recall the aircraft?

          TURGIDSON
That's about the size of it.
However, we are plowing through
every possible three letter
combination of the code. But since
there are seventeen thousand
permutations it's going to take us
about two and a half days to
transmit them all.

          MUFFLEY
How soon did you say the planes
would penetrate Russian radar
cover?

          TURGIDSON
About eighteen minutes from now,
sir.

          MUFFLEY
Are you in contact with General
Ripper?
                                      19.


          TURGIDSON
Ah... No sir, no, General Ripper
sealed off the base and cut off all
communications.

          MUFFLEY
Where did you get all this
information?

          TURGIDSON
General Ripper called Strategic Air
Command headquarters shortly after
he issued the go code. I have a
partial transcript of that
conversation if you'd like me to
read it.

           MUFFLEY
Read it.

          TURGIDSON
The duty officer asked General
Ripper to confirm the fact the he
had issued the go code and he said,
"Yes gentlemen, they are on their
way in and no one can bring them
back. For the sake of our country
and our way of life, I suggest you
get the rest of SAC in after them,
otherwise we will be totally
destroyed by red retaliation. My
boys will give you the best kind of
start, fourteen hundred megatons
worth, and you sure as hell won't
stop them now. So let's get going.
There's no other choice. God
willing, we will prevail in peace
and freedom from fear and in true
health through the purity and
essence of our natural fluids. God
bless you all." Then he hung up.
We're still trying to figure out
the meaning of that last phrase,
sir.

          MUFFLEY
There's nothing to figure out
General Turgidson. This man is
obviously a psychotic.

           TURGIDSON
                                              20.


        Well, I'd like to hold off judgment
        on a thing like that, sir, until
        all the facts are in.

                  MUFFLEY
             (anger rising)
        General Turgidson, when you
        instituted the human reliability
        tests, you assured me there was no
        possibility of such a thing ever
        occurring.

                  TURGIDSON
        Well I don't think it's quite fair
        to condemn a whole program because
        of a single slip up sir.

                  MUFFLEY
        I want to speak to General Ripper
        on the telephone, personally.

                  TURGIDSON
        I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.

                  MUFFLEY
        General Turgidson, I am becoming
        less and less interested in your
        estimates of what is possible and
        impossible. General Faceman.

                    FACEMAN
        Yes, sir.

                  MUFFLEY
        Are there any army units stationed
        anywhere near Burpleson?

                  FACEMAN
        Well ah, I'll just check, sir.

Turgidson's phone beeps.

                  TURGIDSON
        Hello.
             (pause, then whispering)
        I told you never to call me here;
        don't you know where I am?
             (pause)
        Well look, baby, I can't talk to
        you now. My president needs me. Of
        course Bucky would rather be there
        with you.
             (pause)
                                      21.


Of course it isn't only physical. I
deeply respect you as a human
being. Someday I'm going to make
you Mrs. Buck Turgidson.
     (pause)
Listen, you go back to sleep.
Bucky'll be back there just as soon
as he can. Alright. Listen, sug',
don't forget to say your prayers.
     (hangs up and composes
     himself)

          FACEMAN
Apparently, the 23rd airborne
division is stationed seven miles
away at Alvarado.

          MUFFLEY
General Faceman, I want them to
enter the base, locate General
Ripper, and put him in immediate
telephone contact with me.

            FACEMAN
Yes, sir.

          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, if I may advise,
under condition red it is standard
procedure that the base be sealed
off, and the base be defended by
base security troops. Any force
trying to enter there would
certainly encounter very heavy
casualties.

          FACEMAN
General Turgidson, with all due
respect for your defense team, my
boys can brush 'em aside without
too much trouble.

          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, there are one or two
points I'd like to make, if I may.

          MUFFLEY
Go ahead, General.

            TURGIDSON
                                      22.


One, our hopes for recalling the
843rd bomb wing are quickly being
reduced to a very low order of
probability. Two, in less than
fifteen minutes from now the
Russkies will be making radar
contact with the planes. Three,
when they do, they are going to go
absolutely ape, and they're gonna
strike back with everything they've
got. Four, if prior to this time,
we have done nothing further to
suppress their retaliatory
capabilities, we will suffer
virtual annihilation. Now, five, if
on the other hand, we were to
immediately launch an all out and
coordinated attack on all their
airfields and missile bases we'd
stand a damn good chance of
catching 'em with their pants down.
Hell, we got a five to one missile
superiority as it is. We could
easily assign three missiles to
every target, and still have a very
effective reserve force for any
other contingency. Now, six, an
unofficial study which we undertook
of this eventuality, indicated that
we would destroy ninety percent of
their nuclear capabilities. We
would therefore prevail, and suffer
only modest and acceptable civilian
casualties from their remaining
force which would be badly damaged
and uncoordinated.

          MUFFLEY
General, it is the avowed policy of
our country never to strike first
with nuclear weapons.

          TURGIDSON
Well, Mr. President, I would say
that General Ripper has already
invalidated that policy.
     (laughs)

          MUFFLEY
That was not an act of national
policy and there are still
alternatives left open to us.
                                      23.


          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, we are rapidly
approaching a moment of truth both
for ourselves as human beings and
for the life of our nation. Now,
the truth is not always a pleasant
thing, but it is necessary now make
a choice, to choose between two
admittedly regrettable, but
nevertheless, distinguishable post-
war environments: one where you got
twenty million people killed, and
the other where you got a hundred
and fifty million people killed.

          MUFFLEY
You're talking about mass murder,
General, not war.

          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm not saying we
wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I
do say... no more than ten to
twenty million killed, tops. Uh...
depended on the breaks.

          MUFFLEY
I will not go down in history as
the greatest mass murderer since
Adolph Hitler!

          TURGIDSON
Perhaps it might be better, Mr.
President, if you were more
concerned with the American people,
than with your image in the history
books.

          MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I think I've
heard quite sufficient from you,
thank you very much!

          STAINS
Mr. President, they have the
ambassador waiting upstairs.

          MUFFLEY
Oh, good. Any difficulty?

          STAINS
They say he's having a fit about
that squad of MPs.
                                                       24.


                       MUFFLEY
             Yes, that can't be helped. Have him
             brought down here straight away.

                          STAINS
             Yes, sir.

                       TURGIDSON
             Is that the Russian Ambassador
             you're talking about?

                       MUFFLEY
             Yes, it is, General.

                       TURGIDSON
             Ahh, am I to understand the Russian
             Ambassador is to be admitted
             entrance to the War Room?

                       MUFFLEY
             That is correct. He is here on my
             orders.

                       TURGIDSON
             I don't know exactly how to put
             this, sir, but are you aware of
             what a serious breach of security
             that would be? I mean...
                  (begins closing his
                  notebooks)
             ... he'll see everything. He'll see
             the big board!

                       MUFFLEY
             That is precisely the idea,
             General. That is precisely the
             idea. Stains, get Premier Kissov on
             the Hotline.

                                                   CUT TO:


11   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                      11

                          KONG
                                                             25.


             Survival Kit contents check. In
             them you will find: one 45 caliber
             automatic, two boxes of ammunition,
             four days concentrated emergency
             rations, one drug issue containing
             antibiotics, morphine, vitamin
             pills, pep pills, sleeping pills,
             tranquilizer pills, one miniature
             combination Rooshan phrase book and
             Bible, one hundred dollars in
             rubles, one hundred dollars in
             gold, nine packs of chewing gum,
             one issue of prophylactics, three
             lipsticks, three pair of nylon
             stockings – shoot, a fellah could
             have a pretty good weekend in Vegas
             with all that stuff....

                                                         CUT TO:


12   INT. WAR ROOM                                                 12

     DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of
     a drinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table
     covered with an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies.

                       DESADESKI
             You don't have any fresh fish?

                       AIDE
             I'm afraid not sir.

                       DESADESKI
             Your eggs, then, they are fresh?

                       AIDE
             Oh, yes, sir.

                       DESADESKI
             I will have poached eggs. And bring
             me some cigars, please. Havana
             cigars.

                       AIDE
             That will be all for you sir?

                       DESADESKI
             Yes.

                       AIDE
             Then I'll see to it right away.
                                              26.


                  GENERAL
        Try one of these Jamaican cigars,
        ambassador, they're pretty good.

                  DESADESKI
        Thank you, no. I do not support the
        work of imperialist stooges.

                  GENERAL
        Oh, only commie stooges, huh?

                  TURGIDSON
             (whispers, clutching his
             notebooks to his chest)
        Mr. President, you gonna let that
        lousy commie punk vomit all over us
        like this?

                  STAINS
        Mr. President, we haven't been able
        to reach Premier Kissov in the
        Kremlin. They say they don't know
        where he is, and he won't be back
        for another two hours.

                  DESADESKI
        Try B86543 Moscow.

                    STAINS
        Yes, sir.

                  DESADESKI
        You would never have found him
        through his office, Mr. President.
        Our Premier is a man of the people,
        but he is also... a man, if you
        follow my meaning.

                     MUFFLEY
                (laughs)
        Fine.

Turgidson mutters to a seated General.

                  DESADESKI
        What did you say?

                  TURGIDSON
        I said, Premier Kissov is a
        degenerate atheist commie! That's
        what I said.

                    DESADESKI
                                                          27.


        Mr. President, I formally request
        that you have this ignorant fool
        removed from the war room.

DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat,
each waving a pointed finger at another.

                  STAINS
             (interrupts argument)
        I think they're trying the number.

TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle
begins between DeSadeski and Turgidson.

                  MUFFLEY
             (to Turgidson and
             DeSadeski who is on
             Turgidson's lap)
        Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.
        This is the War Room! What is going
        on here? I demand an explanation.

                  DESADESKI
        This clumsy fool tried to plant
        that ridiculous camera on me.

                  TURGIDSON
        Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr.
        Commie. Look at this, Mr.
        President. This lousy commie rat
        was taking pictures with this
        thing. Of the big board!

                  MUFFLEY
        Mr. Ambassador!

                  DESADESKI
        This clumsy fool attempted to plant
        that ridiculous camera on me.

                  TURGIDSON
        That's a damn lie! I saw him, with
        my own eyes!

                  MUFFLEY
        Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I
        have never heard of such behavior
        in the war room before.

                  STAINS
        Mr. President, I think they're
        getting him on the line.
                                                              28.


                                                         CUT TO:


13   EXT. BURPLESON AFB                                             13

     The attack begins.

                       SOLDIER #1
             You sure gotta hand it to those
             commies.

                          SOLDIER #2
             Yeah.

                       SOLDIER #3
             Gee, those trucks look like the
             real thing, don't they?

                       SOLDIER #2
             I wonder where they got 'em from.

                       SOLDIER #3
             Probably bought them from the army
             as war surplus.

                       SOLDIER #1
             OK. Open up at 200 yards.

     Firefight begins

                                                         CUT TO:


14   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE                                           14

     Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence.

                                                         CUT TO:


15   INT. WAR ROOM                                                  15

                       MUFFLEY
             Tell him where you are, and that
             you'll enter the conversation if I
             say anything that's untrue, but
             please don't tell him anything more
             than that. Alexiy, Alexiy,
             please... I beg you.

                       DESADESKI
             I don't have a phone.
                                      29.


          MUFFLEY
     (snaps fingers)
Give him your phone, Frank.

          DESADESKI
Govorit DeSadeski.
     (continues in Russian,
     then...)
I've done as you asked. Be careful
Mr. President. I think he's drunk.

           MUFFLEY
Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I
can't hear too well, do you suppose
you could turn the music down just
a little? Oh, that's much better.
Yes. Fine, I can hear you now,
Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming
through fine. I'm coming through
fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then
as you say we're both coming
through fine. Good. Well it's good
that you're fine and I'm fine. I
agree with you. It's great to be
fine.
      (laughs)
Now then Dimitri. You know how
we've always talked about the
possibility of something going
wrong with the bomb. The bomb,
Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well
now what happened is, one of our
base commanders, he had a sort of,
well he went a little funny in the
head. You know. Just a little...
funny. And uh, he went and did a
silly thing.
      (listens)
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he
ordered his planes... to attack
your country.
      (listens)
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me
finish, Dimitri.
      (listens)
Well, listen, how do you think I
feel about it? Can you imagine how
I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do
you think I'm calling you? Just to
say hello?
      (listens)
                                      30.


Of course I like to speak to you.
Of course I like to say hello. Not
now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm
just calling up to tell you
something terrible has happened.
     (listens)
It's a friendly call. Of course
it's a friendly call. Listen, if it
wasn't friendly, ... you probably
wouldn't have even got it. They
will not reach their targets for at
least another hour.
     (listens)
I am... I am positive, Dimitri.
Listen, I've been all over this
with your ambassador. It is not a
trick.
     (listens)
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to
give your air staff a complete run
down on the targets, the flight
plans, and the defensive systems of
the planes.
     (listens)
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to
recall the planes, then I'd say
that, uh, well, we're just going to
have to help you destroy them,
Dimitri.
     (listens)
I know they're our boys.
     (listens)
Alright, well, listen... who should
we call?
     (listens)
Who should we call, Dimitri?
     (listens)
The people...? Sorry, you faded
away there.
     (listens)
The People's Central Air Defense
Headquarters. Where is that,
Dimitri?
     (listens)
In Omsk. Right. Yes.
     (listens)
Oh, you'll call them first, will
you?
     (listens)
Uh-huh. Listen, do you happen to
have the phone number on you,
Dimitri?
     (listens)
                                                               31.


             What? I see, just ask for Omsk
             Information. I'm sorry too,
             Dimitri. I'm very sorry.
                  (listens)
             Alright! You're sorrier than I am!
             But I am sorry as well. I am as
             sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't
             say that you are more sorry than I
             am, because I am capable of being
             just as sorry as you are. So we're
             both sorry, alright?
                  (listens)
             Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes,
             he wants to talk to you. Just a
             second.

                       DESADESKI
                  (continues in Russian.
                  Gradually becomes
                  alarmed, then...)
             Das voydaniya...
                  (rests phone on the table
                  before him)

                       MUFFLEY
             What... what is it, what?

                       DESADESKI
             The fools... the mad fools.

                       MUFFLEY
             What's happened?

                       DESADESKI
             The doomsday machine.

                       MUFFLEY
             The doomsday machine? What is that?

                       DESADESKI
             A device which will destroy all
             human and animal life on earth.

                       MUFFLEY
             All human and animal life?

                                                         CUT TO:


16   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE                                            16

     Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a
     comforting arm around his shoulder.
                                      32.


          RIPPER
     (through his cigar)
Mandrake.

          MANDRAKE
Yes, Jack?

          RIPPER
Have you ever seen a commie drink a
glass of water?

          MANDRAKE
Well, no I... I can't say I have,
Jack.

          RIPPER
Vodka. That's what they drink,
isn't it? Never water?

          MANDRAKE
Well I... I believe that's what
they drink, Jack. Yes.

          RIPPER
On no account will a commie ever
drink water, and not without good
reason.

          MANDRAKE
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see
what you're getting at, Jack.

          RIPPER
Water. That's what I'm getting at.
Water. Mandrake, water is the
source of all life. Seven tenths of
this earth's surface is water. Why,
you realize that.. seventy percent
of you is water.

          MANDRAKE
Uhhh God...

          RIPPER
And as human beings, you and I need
fresh, pure water to replenish our
precious bodily fluids.

           MANDRAKE
Yes.
       (chuckles nervously)

           RIPPER
                                                        33.


        You beginning to understand?

                   MANDRAKE
        Yes.
               (chuckles – begins
               laughing/crying quietly)

                  RIPPER
        Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never
        wondered why I drink only distilled
        water, or rain water, and only pure
        grain alcohol?

                  MANDRAKE
        Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.

                  RIPPER
        Have you ever heard of a thing
        called fluoridation? Fluoridation
        of water?

                  MANDRAKE
        Ah, yes, I have heard of that,
        Jack. Yes.

                  RIPPER
        Well do you now what it is?

                  MANDRAKE
        No. No, I don't know what it is.
        No.

                  RIPPER
        Do you realize that fluoridation is
        the most monstrously conceived and
        dangerous communist plot we have
        ever had to face?

Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons
fire.

                  RIPPER
             (walks to window and
             shouts)
        Two can play at this game soldier!

More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the
overhead desk lamp.

                  RIPPER
        That's nice shooting, soldier!
                                                             34.


     Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his
     closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear
     with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.

                       RIPPER
             Mandrake! Come here!

                       MANDRAKE
             You calling me, Jack?

                       RIPPER
             Just come over here and help me
             with this belt.

                       MANDRAKE
                  (prone on couch)
             I ah, I haven't had very much
             experience, you know, with those...
             sort of machines, Jack. I only ever
             pressed a button in my old
             Spitfire.

                       RIPPER
             Mandrake, in the name of Her
             Majesty and the Continental
             Congress come here and feed me this
             belt, boy!

                       MANDRAKE
             Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's
             happened, you see, is the string in
             my leg's gone.

                         RIPPER
             The what?

                       MANDRAKE
             The string. I never told you, but,
             you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh
             dear. Gone. Shot off.

     Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.

                       RIPPER
             Mandrake, come over here. The Red
             Coats are coming. Come on!

                                                         CUT TO:


17   INT. WAR ROOM                                                 17

                         DESADESKI
                                      35.


When it is detonated, it will
produce enough lethal radioactive
fallout so that within ten months,
the surface of the earth will be as
dead as the moon!

          TURGIDSON
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's
ridiculous. Our studies show that
even the worst fallout is down to a
safe level after two weeks.

          DESADESKI
You've obviously never heard of
cobalt thorium G.

          TURGIDSON
No, what about it?

          DESADESKI
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive
halflife of ninety three years. If
you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the
hundred megaton range and jacket
them with cobalt thorium G, when
they are exploded they will produce
a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud
of radioactivity which will
encircle the earth for ninety three
years!

          TURGIDSON
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I
mean, afterall...

          MUFFLEY
I'm afraid I don't understand
something, Alexiy. Is the Premier
threatening to explode this if our
planes carry out their attack?

          DESADESKI
No sir. It is not a thing a sane
man would do. The doomsday machine
is designed to to trigger itself
automatically.

          MUFFLEY
But surely you can disarm it
somehow.

         DESADESKI
                                      36.


No. It is designed to explode if
any attempt is ever made to
untrigger it.

          MUFFLEY
Automatically?

          TURGIDSON
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick,
Mr. President.
     (walks backwards towards
     the big board)
We're wasting valuable time.
     (falls over backwards and
     does a somersault, and
     brings himself back onto
     his feet)
Look at the big board! They're
getting ready to clobber us!

          MUFFLEY
But this is absolute madness,
ambassador. Why should you build
such a thing?

          DESADESKI
There are those of us who fought
against it, but in the end we could
not keep up with the expense
involved in the arms race, the
space race, and the peace race. And
at the same time our people
grumbled for more nylons and
washing machines. Our doomsday
scheme cost us just a small
fraction of what we'd been spending
on defense in a single year. But
the deciding factor was when we
learned that your country was
working along similar lines, and we
were afraid of a doomsday gap.

          MUFFLEY
This is preposterous. I've never
approved of anything like that.

          DESADESKI
Our source was the New York Times.

          MUFFLEY
Dr. Strangelove, do we have
anything like that in the works?
                                                           37.


Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley
and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly
turn their heads in search of Strangelove.

                  STRANGELOVE
             (in wheelchair)
        A moment please, Mr. President.

Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the
table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between
Muffley and DeSadeski.

                  STRANGELOVE
        Under the authority granted me as
        director of weapons research and
        development, I commissioned last
        year a study of this project by the
        Bland corporation. Based on the
        findings of the report, my
        conclusion was that this idea was
        not a practical deterrent, for
        reasons which, at this moment, must
        be all too obvious.

                  MUFFLEY
        Then you mean it is possible for
        them to have built such a thing?

Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking
right hand, which is in a black glove.

                  STRANGELOVE
        Mr. President, the technology
        required is easily within the means
        of even the smallest nuclear power.
        It requires only the will to do so.

                  MUFFLEY
        But, how is it possible for this
        thing to be triggered
        automatically, and at the same time
        impossible to untrigger?

                  STRANGELOVE
                                      38.


Mr. President, it is not only
possible, it is essential. That is
the whole idea of this machine, you
know. Deterrence is the art of
producing in the mind of the
enemy... the fear to attack. And
so, because of the automated and
irrevocable decision making process
which rules out human meddling, the
doomsday machine is terrifying.
It's simple to understand. And
completely credible, and
convincing.

          TURGIDSON
Gee, I wish we had one of them
doomsday machines, Stainsy.

          MUFFLEY
But this is fantastic, Strangelove.
How can it be triggered
automatically?

          STRANGELOVE
Well, it's remarkably simple to do
that. When you merely wish to bury
bombs, there is no limit to the
size. After that they are connected
to a gigantic complex of computers.
Now then, a specific and clearly
defined set of circumstances, under
which the bombs are to be exploded,
is programmed into a tape memory
bank.

          TURGIDSON
Strangelove. What kind of a name is
that? That ain't no kraut name, is
it, Stainsy?

          STAINS
He changed it when he became a
citizen. It used to be
Merkwurkdigliebe.

          TURGIDSON
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name,
huh, Stainsy?

         STRANGELOVE
                                                               39.


             Yes, but   the... whole point of the
             doomsday   machine... is lost... if
             you keep   it a secret! Why didn't
             you tell   the world, eh?

                       DESADESKI
             It was to be announced at the Party
             Congress on Monday. As you know,
             the Premier loves surprises.

                                                         CUT TO:


18   EXT. BURPLESON AFB                                              18

     Firefight continues.

                                                         CUT TO:


19   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE                                            19

     Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper,
     standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is
     now crouching by his side.

                       RIPPER
             Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and
             Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
             Alright, Mandrake, now feed me.
             Feed me.

     Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops.
     Enemy fire subsides.

                       MANDRAKE
                  (laughs)
             Jack, don't you think we'd be
             better off in some other part of
             the room, away from all this flying
             glass?

                       RIPPER
             Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake,
             do you realize that in addition to
             fluoridated water, why, there are
             studies underway to fluoridate
             salt, flour, fruit juices, soup,
             sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,
             Mandrake. Children's ice cream?

                       MANDRAKE
             Good Lord.
                                              40.


                  RIPPER
        You know when fluoridation first
        began?

                  MANDRAKE
        No. No, I don't, Jack. No.

                  RIPPER
        Nineteen hundred and forty six.
        Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How
        does that coincide with your
        postwar commie conspiracy, huh?
        It's incredibly obvious, isn't it?
        A foreign substance is introduced
        into our precious bodily fluids
        without the knowledge of the
        individual, and certainly without
        any choice. That's the way your
        hard core commie works.

                  MANDRAKE
        Jack... Jack, listen, tell me,
        ah... when did you first become,
        well, develop this theory.

                  RIPPER
        Well, I ah, I I first became aware
        of it, Mandrake, during the
        physical act of love.

Mandrake sighs fearfully.

                  RIPPER
        Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a
        feeling of emptiness followed.
        Luckily I was able to interpret
        these feelings correctly: loss of
        essence.

                  MANDRAKE
        Yes...

                  RIPPER
        I can assure you it has not
        recurred, Mandrake. Women... women
        sense my power, and they seek the
        life essence. I do not avoid women,
        Mandrake, but I do deny them my
        essence.

                  MANDRAKE
        Heh heh... yes.
                                                                41.


                                                         CUT TO:


20   EXT. BURPLESON AFB                                               20

     Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending
     troops.

                                                         CUT TO:


21   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE                                             21

                       RIPPER
             Boys must have surrendered.

                       MANDRAKE
             It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now
             Jack, listen. While there's still
             time, I beg you, let's recall the
             wing.

     Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun
     as a walking stick, kicking debris en route. Sits.

                       RIPPER
             Those boys were like my children,
             Mandrake. Now they let me down.

                       MANDRAKE
             No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No,
             I'm sure they all gave you their
             very best. And I'm equally sure
             they all died thinking of you,
             every man jack of them, heh, Jack.
             Supposing a bit of water has gone
             off, eh? And certainly one can
             never be too sure about those sort
             of things. Would you look at me
             now. Do I look all rancid and
             clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh?
             Look, eh? And I drink a lot of
             water, you know. I'm what you might
             call a water man, Jack. That's what
             I am. And I can swear to you, my
             boy, swear to you, that there's
             nothing wrong with my bodily
             fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.

                       RIPPER
             Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner
             of war?
                                      42.


          MANDRAKE
Well, Jack, the time's running...
very... huh?

          RIPPER
Were you ever a prisoner of war?

          MANDRAKE
Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack,
I was.

          RIPPER
Did they torture you?

          MANDRAKE
Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured
by the Japanese, Jack, if you must
know. Not a pretty story.

          RIPPER
Well what happened?

          MANDRAKE
Oh... well... I don't know, Jack.
Difficult to think of under these
conditions. But, well, what
happened was they got me on the old
Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying
train mines for the bloody Japanese
puff puffs.

          RIPPER
No, I mean when they tortured you,
did you talk?

          MANDRAKE
Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think
they wanted me to talk, really. I
don't think they wanted me to say
anything. It was just their way of
having... a bit of fun, the swines.
Strange thing is they make such
bloody good cameras.

          RIPPER
You know those clowns outside are
gonna give me a pretty good going
over in a few minutes. For the
code.

         MANDRAKE
                                                        43.


        Yes. does a double take Yes, well
        you may have... you may have quite
        a point there, Jack.

                  RIPPER
        I don't know how well I could stand
        up under torture.

                  MANDRAKE
        Well of course the answer to that
        is, boy, no one ever does. And my
        advice to you, Jack, is to give me
        the code now. And if those devils
        come back and try any rough stuff,
        we'll fight them together, boy,
        like we did just now, on the floor,
        eh? You with the old gun, and me
        with the belt and the ammo, feeding
        you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I
        was feeding you, Jack.
             (pats Ripper on the
             shoulder)

                  RIPPER
        No, Mandrake. I happen to believe
        in a life after this one, and I
        know I'll have to answer for what
        I've done. And I think I can.

                  MANDRAKE
        Yes, well of course you can, Jack,
        of course you can. You can! I'm a
        religious man, myself, you know,
        Jack. I believe in all that sort of
        thing, and... I'm hoping, you know,
        Jack.

Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about
the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he lets fall.

                  MANDRAKE
        You dropped your gun, Jack, yes...
             (picks up the machine gun
             and carries it)
        ... you know what I'm...
             (Ripper begins removing
             his jacket here)
        ... no, Jack. Let me take that for
        you. I'll take that for you, Jack.
             (takes Ripper's jacket
             and drapes it over the
             gun)
                                                             44.


             And, ah, you know what I'm hoping,
             Jack? I'm hoping you're going to
             give me the code, boy. That's what
             I'm hoping. And, oh...
                  (Ripper enters the
                  washroom)
             oh, you're going have a little wash
             and brush up, are you? What a good
             idea. Always did wonders for a man,
             that, Jack. A little wash and brush
             up. Water on the back of the neck,
             and... makes you feel marvelous.
             That's what we need, Jack! Water on
             the back of the neck and the code.
             Now, ... now supposing I play a
             little guessing game with you,
             Jack, boy.
                  (Ripper shuts washroom
                  door)
             I'll try and guess... I'll try and
             guess what the code is...

     A gun shot rings out from within the washroom – Mandrake
     gapes at the closed door, drops the machine gun, and pushes
     on the door, which is blocked after opening a few inches.

                                                         CUT TO:


22   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                            22

                       CO-PILOT
             Co-pilot to navigator, I'm ready
             with the fuel figures now. We have
             one hundred and nine thousand
             total, seventy nine thousand in the
             mains, and thirty thousand in the
             auxiliaries. And that works out to
             roughly seven hours fifteen minutes
             endurance for this time.

                       DSO
             DSO to Captain, I have an
             unidentified radar blip. Distance:
             60 miles. Approximate speed: mach
             three. Looks like a missile
             tracking us! Confirmed, definite
             missile track. Commence evasive
             action right. Missile still closing
             range; distance: 50 miles. Continue
             evasive action.

                          CO-PILOT
                                                              45.


             Lock ECM to target intercept mode.

     DSO ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still
     tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue
     evasive action. Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid.
     Missile still tracking steady and closing distance. Range:
     30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue
     evasive action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing
     distance... and tracking steady.

                       CO-PILOT
             Evac range gate on maximum scan.

                       DSO
             Range gate on maximum scan. Range:
             10 miles. Missile track deflecting.
             Continue evasive action. Deflection
             increasing; range: 8 miles.
             Deflection still increasing; range:
             6 miles. Missile still deflecting;
             range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles;
             missile still deflecting. Range:
             one mile; missile detonated!

     DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is
     jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to
     attend to fires, regain control of aircraft.

                       KONG
             Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to
             central power... Extinguishers...
             Transfer switches... boost pumps
             up. Fuel valves three four and six.
             Give me full power.

     Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.

                                                         CUT TO:


23   INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – BURPLESON AFB                           23

     Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered
     with doodles and an interlocking pattern of the words Peace
     On Earth, and Purity Of Essence.

                       MANDRAKE
             Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth.
             Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of
             essence. O P O E.
                  (whispers)
             O P E.
                                                        46.


Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door
to the office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1
carbine.

                  GUANO
        Put your hands over your head.

                  MANDRAKE
        What the devil do you think you're
        doing, shooting your way in here?
        Who are you?

                  GUANO
        I said, put your hands over your
        head. What kind of suit you call
        that, fellah?

                  MANDRAKE
        What do you mean, suit? This
        happens to be an R. A. F. uniform,
        sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel
        Mandrake. I am General Ripper's
        Executive Officer.

                  GUANO
        Where's General Ripper?

                  MANDRAKE
        He's dead, in the bathroom.

                  GUANO
        Where's the bathroom?

                  MANDRAKE
        Next to you.

Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in
exclamation.

                  MANDRAKE
        Look, I don't know what sort of
        stupid game this is you're playing,
        but I've got a very good idea what
        the recall code is and I have to
        get in touch with SAC headquarters
        immediately.

                  GUANO
        I said put your hands over your
        head and keep 'em there. Got any
        witnesses?

                  MANDRAKE
                                          47.


Witnesses? What are you talking
about, witnesses? He shot himself!

          GUANO
While he was shaving, huh?

          MANDRAKE
Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if
that really is your name, may I
tell you that I have a very, very
good idea, I think, I hope, I pray,
what the recall code is. It's some
sort of recurrent theme he kept
repeating. It's a variation on
Peace on Earth or Purity of
Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of
those!

          GUANO
Put your hands up on top of your
head. Start walking.

          MANDRAKE
Don't you know that General Ripper
went as mad as a bloody march hare
and sent the while wing to attack
the Soviets? Don't you know that?

          GUANO
What are you talking about?

          MANDRAKE
I'll tell you what I'm talking
about. I'm going to pick up this
red telephone which is connected to
SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast!
Shot away, I expect by one of your
men during this ridiculous
fighting! picks up another phone
Right.
     (glances down to
     discover)
this phone has no cord at all)

          GUANO
Alright, Charlie, I been wasting
too much time on you. I got a lot
of wounded men outside. Start
walking.

                                      CUT TO:
                                                                48.


24   INT. B-52                                                        24

     Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.

                       GOLDIE
             All the radio gear is out,
             including the CRM-114. I think the
             auto-destruct mechanism got hit and
             blew itself up.

                       BOMBARDIER
             The fire is out. Emergency power is
             on. Everything seems to check out
             alright. Will advise.

                       KONG
             Roger. Navigator...

                       NAVIGATOR
             I've worked out our rate of fuel
             loss at approximately one six two
             per minute. This gives us a radius
             of action sufficient to take out
             primary and secondary targets. But
             we will not, repeat, not be able to
             make it back to any base or neutral
             country. However we would have
             enough fuel to ditch at weather
             ship tango delta: grid coordinates
             zero zero three six nine one.

                       KONG
             Now, boys, we got three engines
             out; we got more holes in us than a
             horse trader's mule, the radio's
             gone and we're leaking fuel, and if
             we's flying any lower, why, we'd
             need sleigh bells on this thing.
             But we got one little budge on them
             russkies, at this this height, why,
             they might harpoon us but they dang
             sure ain't gonna spot us on no
             radar screen.

                                                            CUT TO:


25   INT. HALLWAY – BURPLESON AFB                                     25

     Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at
     gunpoint.

                       GUANO
                                                      49.


        The other way.

                  MANDRAKE
        Where are you taking me?

                  GUANO
        The main gate.

                  MANDRAKE
        Colonel! Colonel, I must know what
        you think has been going on here!

                  GUANO
        You wanna know what I think?

                  MANDRAKE
        Yes.

                  GUANO
        I think you're some kind of
        deviated prevert. And I think
        General Ripper found out about your
        preversion, and that you were
        organizing some kind of mutiny of
        preverts. Now, move!

Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking.

                  GUANO
        On top of that I don't know
        anything about any planes attacking
        Russia. All I was told to do was
        get General Ripper on the phone to
        the President of the United States.

                  MANDRAKE
        Now just one second. You just
        said... the President.

                  GUANO
        What about the President?

                  MANDRAKE
        Now, the president wants to speak
        to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
        General Ripper is dead, is he not?
        I am General Ripper's executive
        officer, so the president will
        bloody well want to speak to me,
        won't he? There's a telephone box
        over there, and the line may be
        open.
                                                         50.


                  GUANO
        You want to talk to the president
        of the United States?

                  MANDRAKE
        I don't want to talk to him,
        Colonel, I've got to talk to him.
        And I can assure you, if you don't
        put that gun away and stop this
        stupid nonsense, the court of
        inquiry on this'll give you such a
        pranging, you'll be lucky if you
        end up wearing the uniform of a
        bloody toilet attendant!

                  GUANO
        OK. Go ahead. Try and get the
        President of the United States on
        the phone.

Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano
pushes it back open.

                  GUANO
        If you try any preversions in there
        I'll blow your head off.

Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials.

                  MANDRAKE
        Operator? This is Group Captain
        Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from
        Burpleson Air Force Base. Look,
        something very urgent has come up
        and I want you to place an
        emergency person to person call
        with President Merkin Muffley in
        the Pentagon, Washington D.C.
        Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm
        perfectly serious, operator, the
        President, yes the President of the
        United States. I'm sorry, I haven't
        got enough change. Um, could you...
        could you make this a collect call,
        operator?

Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks
on.

                  MANDRAKE
        Just one second, operator.
             (to Guano)
                                      51.


They won't accept the call. Have
you got fifty-five cents?

          GUANO
Well, you don't think I'd go into
combat with loose change in my
pocket, do you?

           MANDRAKE
Operator, look, ah... is it
possible to make this an
ordinary... ordinary trunk call?
Well, what do you call it... you
know, ah...
     (raps on phone box with
     knuckles)
... oh, ah... station to station.
     (counts change in his
     palm)
Oh, blast. Still twenty cents
short. Operator, hold on one...
ah... I shan't keep you a second.
     (to Guano)
Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I
want you to shoot the lock off it.
There may be some change in there.

          GUANO
That's private property.

          MANDRAKE
     (exasperated)
Colonel, can you possibly imagine
what is going to happen to you,
your frame, outlook, way of life
and everything, when they learn
that you have obstructed a
telephone call to the President of
the United States? Can you imagine?
Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun!
That's what the bullets are for,
you twit!

          GUANO
OK. I'm gonna get your money for
you. But if you don't get the
President of the Unites States on
that phone, you know what's going
to happen to you?

         MANDRAKE
What?
                                                             52.


                       GUANO
             You're going to have to answer to
             the Coca-Cola Company.

     Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills
     from the coin return slot. As Guano bends to collect it,
     coke streams from a bullet hole and showers his face.

                                                         CUT TO:


26   INT. WAR ROOM                                                 26

                       VOICE ON PA
             This is SAC communications control.
             The recall code, OPE, is being
             acknowledged roger by elements of
             the 843 bomb wing.

     Cheering starts among men in the War Room.

                       VOICE ON PA
             These are the details: missions 12,
             22, 30, and 38 are reported
             destroyed by enemy action. All
             other missions have acknowledged
             recall code. This is SAC
             communications control, over and
             out.

                       TURGIDSON
                  (whistles loudly)
             Gentlemen, gentlemen.

     War room falls silent.

                       TURGIDSON
             Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm
             not a sentimentalist at all, by
             nature, but I think I know what's
             in every heart in this room. I
             think we ought to all just bow our
             heads and give a short prayer of
             thanks for our deliverance. Lord,
             we have heard the wings of the
             angel of death fluttering over our
             heads from the valley of fear. You
             have seen fit to deliver us from
             the forces of evil...

                       STAINS
             Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's
             calling again and he's hopping mad.
                                                       53.


                                                   CUT TO:


27   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                      27

                       GOLDIE
             Fuel flow in active engines and
             leakage has increased. Now works
             out at two zero five. Estimate
             remaining fuel at eight seven nine
             zero.

                       NAVIGATOR
             Roger. Confirm two zero five per
             minute and remaining fuel eight
             seven nine zero.

                                                   CUT TO:


28   INT. WAR ROOM                                           28

                       MUFFLEY
                  (into phone)
             No. No, Dimitri, there must be some
             mistake.
                  (listens)
             No, I'm certain of that. I'm
             perfectly certain of that, Dimitri.
             Just a second.
                  (puts down phone)
             You know what he says? He says that
             one of the planes hasn't turned
             back. He says according to
             information forwarded by our air
             staff, it's headed for the missile
             complex at Lapuda.

                          TURGIDSON

                       WHAH...
                  (laughs in wheezing
                  incredulity)
             That's impossible, Mr. President. I
             mean, look at the big board!
             Thirty-four planes, thirty recalls
             acknowledged, and four splashes,
             and one of them was targeted for
             Lapuda!

                          MUFFLEY
                     (into phone)
                                      54.


Dimitri? Look, we've got an
acknowledgement from every plane
except the four you've shot down.
     (listens)
Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a
second, Dimitri.
     (covers phone)
He says their air staff now only
claims three aircraft confirmed.
The fourth may only be damaged.

          TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm beginning to
smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
supposing Kissov is lying about
that fourth plane, just looking for
an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if
the spaghetti hits the fan, now
we're really in trouble.

          MUFFLEY
     (into phone)
Dimitri, look, if this report is
true and the plane manages to bomb
the target, is it... is this going
to full.. is this going to set off
the doomsday machine?
     (listens)
Are you sure?
     (listens)
Well, I... I guess you're just
going to have to get that plane,
Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry they're
jamming your radar and flying so
low, but they're trained to do it.
You know, it's it's initiative!
Look, Dimitri, you know exactly
where they're going and I'm sure
your entire air defense can stop a
single plane. Listen, I mean, it's
not going to help either one of us
if the doomsday machine goes off,
now is it?

          (LISTENS)
Dom... Dimitri there's no point in
you getting you hysterical at a
moment like this! Dimitri! Keep
your feet on the ground when you're
talking, Dimitri.
     (listens)
                                                       55.


             I... I am not I am not getting...
             no, Dimitri. I... I just am
             worried, that's all. Look, now if
             our air staff say it's primary
             target is Lapuda and it's secondary
             target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's
             true, Dimitri! You gotta believe
             it.

     Turgidson nods affirmative

                       MUFFLEY
             Look, can I gi...
                  (listens)
             Dimitri, can I give you just one
             word... can I give you just one
             word of advice, Dimitri? Listen,
             Dimitri, put everything you've got
             into those two sectors and you
             can't miss.

                                                   CUT TO:


29   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                      29

                       NAVIGATOR
             Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at
             the present rate, I estimate we
             only have thirty-eight minutes
             flying time which will not even
             take us as far as the primary.

                       KONG
             Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me
             that you'd get me to the primary!

                       NAVIGATOR
             I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was
             based on the original loss rate
             factor, not at two zero five.

                       KONG
             I don't give a hoot in hell how you
             do it, you just get me to the
             primary, you hear?

                       NAVIGATOR
             I'm sorry Sir, but those are the
             figures. We'll be luck to reach
             weather ship at tango delta.

                          KONG
                                                       56.


             Well... shoot. We ain't come this
             far just to dump this thing in the
             drink. What's the nearest target
             opportunity?

                       NAVIGATOR
             Sir, if the rate of loss does not
             increase, we have a chance to reach
             target three eight four,grid
             coordinate zero zero three six nine
             one, and possibly make it from
             there to the tango delta weather
             ship.

                       KONG
             What kind of a target is that,
             anyhow?

                       BOMBARDIER
             Sir, that's the ICBM complex at
             Kodlosk.

                       KONG
             Alright. Designating new target
             three eight four. Give me a rough
             heading on that just as soon as you
             can get it worked out, will you?

                                                   CUT TO:


30   INT. WAR ROOM                                           30

                       MUFFLEY
                  (into phone)
             Well, we'll keep our fingers
             crossed, Dimitri, and remember,
             there's just one thing, we are all
             in this together. We're right
             behind you, Dimitri. We're with you
             all the way.
                  (listens)
             Yes. Well, we'll keep the line
             open. Alright Dimitri.
                  (rests phone on the
                  table)
             General Turgidson, is there really
             a chance for that plane to get
             through?

                      TURGIDSON
                                                       57.


             Mr. President, if I may speak
             freely, the Russkie talks big, but
             frankly, we think he's short of
             know how. I mean, you just can't
             expect a bunch of ignorant peons to
             understand a machine like some of
             our boys. And that's not meant as
             an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean,
             you take your average Russkie, we
             all know how much guts he's got.
             Hell, lookit look at all them them
             Nazis killed off and they still
             wouldn't quit.

                       MUFFLEY
             Can't you stick to the point,
             General?

                       TURGIDSON
             Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the
             pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's
             really... sharp, he can barrel that
             baby in so low spreads his arms
             like wings., laughs you oughtta see
             it sometime, it's a sight. A big
             plane, like a '52, vroom! There's
             jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the
             barnyard!

                       MUFFLEY
             Yeah, but has he got a chance?

                        TURGIDSON
             Has he got a chance? Hell Ye...
             ye...
                   (covers mouth in solemn
                   realization)

                                                   CUT TO:


31   INT. AIRBORNE B-52                                      31

                       NAVIGATOR
             Navigator to Captain, approaching
             target. Distance, one zero miles.
             Switch from green grid to target
             orange.

                       KONG
             Roger. Ready for final bomb run
             check. Take over, Ace.
                                     58.


          CO-PILOT
Roger.

          DSO
DSO ready.

          BOMBARDIER
Bombardier ready, sir.

          KONG
Bomb fusing master safety on,
electronics, barometrics, time and
impact.

          BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing master safeties on,
electronic, barometric, time and
impact.

          KONG
Fused for ground burst, delay
factor yellow three.

          BOMBARDIER
Fused for ground burst, delay
factor yellow three.

          KONG
Bomb fusing circuits one through
four, test.

          BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing circuits one through
four, test. Lights on.

          KONG
Bomb arming test lights on, one
through four.

          BOMBARDIER
Bomb arming test lights on, one
through four.

          KONG
Engage primary trigger switch
override.

          BOMBARDIER
Primary trigger switch override,
engaged.

          KONG
                                      59.


Track indicators to maximum
deflection.

          BOMBARDIER
Track indicators to maximum
deflection.

          KONG
Detonator set to zero altitude.

          BOMBARDIER
Detonator set to zero altitude.

          KONG
Release first safety.

          AIRMAN
First safety released.

          BOMBARDIER
First safety.

          KONG
Release second safeties.

          AIRMAN
Second safety released.

          BOMBARDIER
Second safety.

          KONG
Check bomb door circuits one
through four.

          BOMBARDIER
Ah... bomb door circuits, negative
function. Lights red.

          KONG
Switch in backup circuits.

          BOMBARDIER
Roger. Backup circuits switched in,
still negative function.

          KONG
Engage emergency power.

          BOMBARDIER
Roger. Emergency power on. Still
negative function.
                                                        60.


                  KONG
        Operate manual override!

                  BOMBARDIER
        Roger. Ah... still negative
        function. The teleflex drive cable
        must be sheared away.

                  KONG
        Fire the explosive bolts!

                  BOMBARDIER
        Roger. Um... still negative, sir.
        The operating circuits are dead,
        sir.

                  KONG
        Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm
        going down below to see what I can
        do.

                  CO-PILOT
        Roger.

                  KONG
             (to DSO and Bombardier)
        Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm
        goin' to get them doors open if it
        hare lips everybody on Bear Creek.
             (proceeds through hatch
             to bomb bay)

Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended
bomb, and then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with
his stetson.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target orange grid reference,
        checks. Target distance, eight
        miles.

                  CO-PILOT
        Roger, eight miles. Telemetric
        guidance computer into orange grid.

                  BOMBARDIER
        Telemetric guidance computer into
        orange grid.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target distance, seven miles.
        Correct track indicator, minus
        seven.
                                                        61.


                  CO-PILOT
        Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI
        acceleration factor.

                  BOMBARDIER
        GPI diversion factor set.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target distance, six miles.

                  CO-PILOT
        Roger. Six miles. False ident
        transponder active.

                  BOMBARDIER
        False ident transponder active.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target distance, five miles.

                  CO-PILOT
        Five miles. Bundling alignment
        factor zero mode.

                  BOMBARDIER
        Bundling alignment factor to zero
        mode.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target distance, four miles.

                  CO-PILOT
        Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into
        manual teleflex link.

                  BOMBARDIER
        Auto CDC is to manual teleflex
        link.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target distance, three miles.

                  CO-PILOT
        Roger. Three miles.

                  NAVIGATOR
        Target in sight. Where in hell is
        Major Kong?

Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes
and then attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above
his head. The bomb doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep
it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream.
                                                                62.


                       KONG
             Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo!

     The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it

                       BOMBARDIER
             Hey, what about Major Kong?

                       KONG
             Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo!

     Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over
     his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style.
     On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates.

                                                         CUT TO:


32   INT. WAR ROOM                                                    32

     Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to
     face the camera.

                       STRANGELOVE
             Mr. President, I would not rule out
             the chance to preserve a nucleus of
             human specimens. It would be quite
             easy... heh heh...
                  (rolls forward into the
                  light)
             At the bottom of ah... some of our
             deeper mineshafts. The
             radioactivity would never penetrate
             a mine some thousands of feet deep.
             And in a matter of weeks,
             sufficient improvements in dwelling
             space could easily be provided.

                       MUFFLEY
             How long would you have to stay
             down there?

                       STRANGELOVE
             Well let's see now ah...
                  (searches within his
                  lapel)
             ... cobalt thorium G...
                  (notices circular slide
                  rule in his gloved hand)
             ... aa... nn... Radioactive
             halflife of uh, ... hmm.. I would
             think that uh... possibly uh... one
             hundred years.
                                                        63.


On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule
roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his
jacket.

                  MUFFLEY
        You mean, people could actually
        stay down there for a hundred
        years?

                  STRANGELOVE
        It would not be difficult mein
        Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could,
        heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President.
        Nuclear reactors could provide
        power almost indefinitely.
        Greenhouses could maintain
        plantlife. Animals could be bred
        and slaughtered. A quick survey
        would have to be made of all the
        available mine sites in the
        country. But I would guess... that
        ah, dwelling space for several
        hundred thousands of our people
        could easily be provided.

                  MUFFLEY
        Well I... I would hate to have to
        decide.. who stays up and.. who
        goes down.

                  STRANGELOVE
        Well, that would not be necessary
        Mr. President. It could easily be
        accomplished with a computer. And a
        computer could be set and
        programmed to accept factors from
        youth, health, sexual fertility,
        intelligence, and a cross section
        of necessary skills. Of course it
        would be absolutely vital that our
        top government and military men be
        included to foster and impart the
        required principles of leadership
        and tradition.

Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.

                   STRANGELOVE
        Arrrrr!
             (restrains right arm with
             left)
                                                        64.


        Naturally, they would breed
        prodigiously, eh? There would
        bemuch time, and little to do. But
        ah with the proper breeding
        techniques and a ratio of say, ten
        females to each male, I would guess
        that they could then work their way
        back to the present gross national
        product within say, twenty years.

                  MUFFLEY
        But look here doctor, wouldn't this
        nucleus of survivors be so grief
        stricken and anguished that they'd,
        well, envy the dead and not want to
        go on living?

                    STRANGELOVE
        No sir...

His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards

                  STRANGELOVE
        Excuse me.

He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it
with a beating from his left

                  STRANGELOVE
        Also when... when they go down into
        the mine everyone would still be
        alive. There would be no shocking
        memories, and the prevailing
        emotion will be one of nostalgia
        for those left behind, combined
        with a spirit of bold curiosity for
        the adventure ahead! Ahhhh!

Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into
his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to
strangle him.

                  TURGIDSON
        Doctor, you mentioned the ration of
        ten women to each man. Now,
        wouldn't that necessitate the
        abandonment of the so called
        monogamous sexual relationship, I
        mean, as far as men were concerned?

                    STRANGELOVE
                                                           65.


        Regrettably, yes. But it is, you
        know, a sacrifice required for the
        future of the human race. I hasten
        to add that since each man will be
        required to do prodigious...
        service along these lines, the
        women will have to be selected for
        their sexual characteristics which
        will have to be of a highly
        stimulating nature.

                  DESADESKI
        I must confess, you have an
        astonishingly good idea there,
        Doctor.

                  STRANGELOVE
        Thank you, sir.

                  TURGIDSON
             (to Muffley)
        I think we should look at this from
        the military point of view. I mean,
        supposing the Russkies stashes away
        some big bomb, see. When they come
        out in a hundred years they could
        take over!

DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around
Strangelove and the President, toward the banquet table.

                  GENERAL
        I agree, Mr. President. In fact,
        they might even try an immediate
        sneak attack so they could take
        over our mineshaft space.

                  TURGIDSON
        Yeah. I think it would be extremely
        naive of us, Mr. President, to
        imagine that these new developments
        are going to cause any change in
        Soviet expansionist policy.

DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big
board with a secret camera within a pocket watch.

                  TURGIDSON
                                                 66.


           I mean, we must be... increasingly
           on the alert to prevent them from
           taking over other mineshaft space,
           in order to breed more prodigiously
           than we do, thus, knocking us out
           in superior numbers when we emerge!
           Mr. President, we must not allow...
           a mine shaft gap!

                     STRANGELOVE
           ... Sir!
                (stands up out of his
                wheelchair)
           I have a plan. Heh.
                (pauses, realizing that
                he is standing)
           Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!

MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS

Dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again."

FADE OUT

THE END